From my blog...
I made it almost a year this time. In college I had a boyfriend like that. On again. Off again. Forever. The relationship was epic. The happiest times and then the most outrageous fights. Oh man did people talk about our fights. I laugh at them today. He and I laughed at them back then. Some times the day after they happened. What exactly were we fighting about? Ah, but the make up sex was great :-) A LOT of people thought we'd get married. But we realized we couldn't date each other. And we went our separate ways. We are still in touch. And I think I learned an awful lot about life from him. Mostly good. But some bad.
And the blog is the same way. I've learned a lot of things. Met a lot of people. Mostly good. But some bad. So this is it for the blog. And this is also it for triathlon. This is it for running. This is it for swimming. And I don't think I have to tell anyone that this is it for biking. I've struggled with some things for a very long time. A LOT longer than anyone other than myself will know. A LOT LOT longer than I realized until this week.
I laid in bed tonight trying to figure out why. Trying to figure out when was the last time I was really happy. And you know what I came up with? 10th grade. Yep. I was really happy in the 10th grade. Really really happy. I don't even think I had the typical high school kid issues in the 10th grade. Yep, it's been that long. More than half my life. What changed then? I don't know. But I know it was before I was a runner that I was really happy. Before I wanted to break the school record in the 400. Back when I was a gymnast. And not a great one. Not the best gymnast on my high school team. But good enough to win some events at some meets. I took dance lessons. And I sucked at dancing. But it was fun. I did high jump and long jump. Not great at either. Never expecting to do more than win the events at some track meets. And I was fine with that.
I wasn't a top student. I was a good student. I got a mix of As and Bs. I was fine with that. I was involved in a lot of things. I never stood out as the best at anything (except agricultural sciences at the state science fair). But I was happy (and I don't think it had anything to do with cows). A few years ago when I left the Air Force, I had some career counseling. The guy asked me "what did you want to do as a kid". I think back to that now and remember that as an 8 year old I quit the swim team after a week. Competition like that wasn't for me. My excuse for years was that I quit because the boys made fun of me. They picked on me because I was faster than they were. Yup. I could outswim all the boys. I could outrun them too. But I never did. I just stopped competing against them. Because I wasn't happy when I was. As an 8 year old I realized I didn't like to compete. I really don't know why.
Just like most breakups, this has been a long time coming. It's taken a while for me to work up the courage to do this. I kept putting it off. For the past year I've been thinking I need a break from triathlon. From competition. But after Honu I convinced myself to wait until after Kona. Sort of like if you're dating someone at Thanksgiving, you can't break up with them until after New Years. But really, it has to be done now. I've got other things I need to do now, and they can't wait 6 more weeks. I will start working on those first thing tomorrow morning.
I think I'll take up yoga. It's probably the closest I can get to gymnastics and dance. I might be back to triathlon after other things are they way they should be. But I doubt it. Over the next couple weeks I'll reach out to some of you. Some of you deserve a better explanation. Yesterday I realized I should never pass up the possibility of finding happiness. Ironically, I realized this on a run. The last run I'll do for a long time. This might not lead to happiness. But I think it's a possibility. And I'm not going to pass it up.
I made it almost a year this time. In college I had a boyfriend like that. On again. Off again. Forever. The relationship was epic. The happiest times and then the most outrageous fights. Oh man did people talk about our fights. I laugh at them today. He and I laughed at them back then. Some times the day after they happened. What exactly were we fighting about? Ah, but the make up sex was great :-) A LOT of people thought we'd get married. But we realized we couldn't date each other. And we went our separate ways. We are still in touch. And I think I learned an awful lot about life from him. Mostly good. But some bad.
And the blog is the same way. I've learned a lot of things. Met a lot of people. Mostly good. But some bad. So this is it for the blog. And this is also it for triathlon. This is it for running. This is it for swimming. And I don't think I have to tell anyone that this is it for biking. I've struggled with some things for a very long time. A LOT longer than anyone other than myself will know. A LOT LOT longer than I realized until this week.
I laid in bed tonight trying to figure out why. Trying to figure out when was the last time I was really happy. And you know what I came up with? 10th grade. Yep. I was really happy in the 10th grade. Really really happy. I don't even think I had the typical high school kid issues in the 10th grade. Yep, it's been that long. More than half my life. What changed then? I don't know. But I know it was before I was a runner that I was really happy. Before I wanted to break the school record in the 400. Back when I was a gymnast. And not a great one. Not the best gymnast on my high school team. But good enough to win some events at some meets. I took dance lessons. And I sucked at dancing. But it was fun. I did high jump and long jump. Not great at either. Never expecting to do more than win the events at some track meets. And I was fine with that.
I wasn't a top student. I was a good student. I got a mix of As and Bs. I was fine with that. I was involved in a lot of things. I never stood out as the best at anything (except agricultural sciences at the state science fair). But I was happy (and I don't think it had anything to do with cows). A few years ago when I left the Air Force, I had some career counseling. The guy asked me "what did you want to do as a kid". I think back to that now and remember that as an 8 year old I quit the swim team after a week. Competition like that wasn't for me. My excuse for years was that I quit because the boys made fun of me. They picked on me because I was faster than they were. Yup. I could outswim all the boys. I could outrun them too. But I never did. I just stopped competing against them. Because I wasn't happy when I was. As an 8 year old I realized I didn't like to compete. I really don't know why.
Just like most breakups, this has been a long time coming. It's taken a while for me to work up the courage to do this. I kept putting it off. For the past year I've been thinking I need a break from triathlon. From competition. But after Honu I convinced myself to wait until after Kona. Sort of like if you're dating someone at Thanksgiving, you can't break up with them until after New Years. But really, it has to be done now. I've got other things I need to do now, and they can't wait 6 more weeks. I will start working on those first thing tomorrow morning.
I think I'll take up yoga. It's probably the closest I can get to gymnastics and dance. I might be back to triathlon after other things are they way they should be. But I doubt it. Over the next couple weeks I'll reach out to some of you. Some of you deserve a better explanation. Yesterday I realized I should never pass up the possibility of finding happiness. Ironically, I realized this on a run. The last run I'll do for a long time. This might not lead to happiness. But I think it's a possibility. And I'm not going to pass it up.
