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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [cerveloguy] [ In reply to ]
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X3 on giving her the time she needs. I've been on both ends of this where my wife had an unexpected death in her family a few years back and had to go down to FL for a week, and I was home with our daughter (2 yr old at the time). She did the same for me when my dad was sick last year and my siblings and I were rotating through in helping take care of him before he passed. It can be tough and stressful at times, but it's the best you can do for her.



"You can never win or lose if you don't run the race." - Richard Butler

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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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How do I put this delicately? Hmm, can't. If my wife called and told me I needed to come home from my possibly dying parent's bedside after 4 days I would tell her to go fuck herself. This is one of those things that can't be taken back. Don't say anything at all that will make her feel even worse than she already does. You can tell her that you miss her and hope she can be back soon, but no way you go anywhere near a guilt trip.

We are so fucked.
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [j p o] [ In reply to ]
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I didn't say anything, she knew I was frustrated, but we both agreed it was the kids being a handful. We'll get through this. I think with the weekend there was just too much time to dwell on things, too much fighting between my 4 and 2 year old.

I'm not very close to my parents, so the concept of leaving for an extended period of time to care for a parent is somewhat an alien concept to me. But when things settled down for the weekend, I was able to put it in perspective.


"In the world I see you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Towers. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying stripes of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned superhighway." T Durden
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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TheForge wrote:
I didn't say anything, she knew I was frustrated, but we both agreed it was the kids being a handful. We'll get through this. I think with the weekend there was just too much time to dwell on things, too much fighting between my 4 and 2 year old.

I'm not very close to my parents, so the concept of leaving for an extended period of time to care for a parent is somewhat an alien concept to me. But when things settled down for the weekend, I was able to put it in perspective.

The wonders of the internet. You get to float your bad idea out there and have people keep you from doing something stupid. :)

We are so fucked.
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [j p o] [ In reply to ]
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j p o wrote:
TheForge wrote:
I didn't say anything, she knew I was frustrated, but we both agreed it was the kids being a handful. We'll get through this. I think with the weekend there was just too much time to dwell on things, too much fighting between my 4 and 2 year old.

I'm not very close to my parents, so the concept of leaving for an extended period of time to care for a parent is somewhat an alien concept to me. But when things settled down for the weekend, I was able to put it in perspective.


The wonders of the internet. You get to float your bad idea out there and have people keep you from doing something stupid. :)

It was more for my own catharsis. I know how to lead and manage people, not raise two boys.


"In the world I see you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Towers. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying stripes of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned superhighway." T Durden
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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TheForge wrote:
j p o wrote:
TheForge wrote:
I didn't say anything, she knew I was frustrated, but we both agreed it was the kids being a handful. We'll get through this. I think with the weekend there was just too much time to dwell on things, too much fighting between my 4 and 2 year old.

I'm not very close to my parents, so the concept of leaving for an extended period of time to care for a parent is somewhat an alien concept to me. But when things settled down for the weekend, I was able to put it in perspective.


The wonders of the internet. You get to float your bad idea out there and have people keep you from doing something stupid. :)

It was more for my own catharsis. I know how to lead and manage people, not raise two boys.
Side turn from the subject: you do not know how to raise two boys? As a parent you need to learn yesterday. Anyone who belongs to you needs to be taken care by you. Your wife needs to take care of her family as do you, on your own. If something came up or happened and the wife is not around, who is left to handle business? You! 2 and 4 year old kids can be a bit much but it is not an eternity and will change for the calmer so deal with it for now. Remember, they will have to take care of you too.
I am not close to my crazy mother but will take care of her as much as possible when the time comes. I know she would do some wacky shit if
I were coming to my end but she too would look after me.


_____________________________________
DISH is how we do it.
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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I've been through this...twice. Most recently when my mother in law passed away in November and my wife was at the hospital every day from October 28 to November 14 when her mom passed. I also have two boys.

A few pieces of advice:
  • You need to give your wife the time she needs. No doubt she has a ton of guilt being away from you and the boys. Support her.
  • Tell your kids the truth. Now. Especially your four year old. Kids know when something is wrong.
  • How do you not know how to raise 2 boys? Huge issue - you need to figure that out fast. Here's a hint - the currency of children is time. Give them your time and undivided attention.
  • Use this time to get to know your kids, spend time with them, love on them. You won't regret it later.
Last edited by: atl_tony: Dec 23, 13 9:01
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [travelmama] [ In reply to ]
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travelmama wrote:
TheForge wrote:
j p o wrote:
TheForge wrote:
I didn't say anything, she knew I was frustrated, but we both agreed it was the kids being a handful. We'll get through this. I think with the weekend there was just too much time to dwell on things, too much fighting between my 4 and 2 year old.

I'm not very close to my parents, so the concept of leaving for an extended period of time to care for a parent is somewhat an alien concept to me. But when things settled down for the weekend, I was able to put it in perspective.


The wonders of the internet. You get to float your bad idea out there and have people keep you from doing something stupid. :)


It was more for my own catharsis. I know how to lead and manage people, not raise two boys.

Side turn from the subject: you do not know how to raise two boys? As a parent you need to learn yesterday. Anyone who belongs to you needs to be taken care by you. Your wife needs to take care of her family as do you, on your own. If something came up or happened and the wife is not around, who is left to handle business? You! 2 and 4 year old kids can be a bit much but it is not an eternity and will change for the calmer so deal with it for now. Remember, they will have to take care of you too.
I am not close to my crazy mother but will take care of her as much as possible when the time comes. I know she would do some wacky shit if
I were coming to my end but she too would look after me.

I was using that as a figure of speech. I know the nuts and bolts, but not the finer points. I tend to be more authoritarian than my wife on some things and too lax on others. So when she is gone, it becomes somewhat inconsistent. For instance, they have been fighting a lot, so I gave them both a pair of my old boxing gloves and let them go at it for a few minutes. Problem was, it became fun for them.


"In the world I see you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Towers. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying stripes of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned superhighway." T Durden
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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TheForge wrote:
I was using that as a figure of speech. I know the nuts and bolts, but not the finer points. I tend to be more authoritarian than my wife on some things and too lax on others. So when she is gone, it becomes somewhat inconsistent. For instance, they have been fighting a lot, so I gave them both a pair of my old boxing gloves and let them go at it for a few minutes. Problem was, it became fun for them.

Wait,, why was it a problem that it become fun?

Just Triing
Liking ST more since finding the block user post option.
Triathlete since 9:56:39 AM EST Aug 20, 2006.
GM employee, The views and comments posted are my own and in no way reflect those of GM. - Required legalize from employer.
Be kind English is my 2nd language. My primary language is Dave it's a unique evolution of English.
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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I feel for your wife on so many levels. Sounds like you are actually parenting your two children for the first time in your life. Welcome to it. No one knows what they are doing. It's really hard. Normal little kids are non-stop and do things that make you want to put pins in your eyes on an hourly basis. But, they are alive and healthy. Your wife's father is not. Let her be. I'm sure she understands what you are going through, but she needs to be where she is.
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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M brother and sister-in-law just went through this. She went home to be with her grandfather that she was extremely close to. She was able to be with him when he died and she is very thankful she was. She told me she would have felt guilty if she wasn't there to see him and care for her family.


If I was married to you and you demanded I come home I'd tell you to fuck off. The kids will get over two different parenting styles for a week or two or however long it takes. If you can't take care of your own children that's just sad for them. Part of being married is helping the other person through something like this, not making it all about you and how hard it is making your life.

Sheesh.

I know you wrote the send post about calming down but I wrote that anyway for when you freak out about a 2 and 4 year old again.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Jen - @ultragrrl

"In order to keep a true perspective on one's importance, everyone should have a dog that worships him and a cat that will ignore him." - Dereke Bruce
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [JenSw] [ In reply to ]
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If I was married to you and you demanded I come home I'd tell you to fuck off. The kids will get over two different parenting styles for a week or two or however long it takes. If you can't take care of your own children that's just sad for them. Part of being married is helping the other person through something like this, not making it all about you and how hard it is making your life.

x2

This is what marriage is all about. You do whatever you can for your spouse. I just lived this. My father in law died after laying in the ICU for over 2 weeks. My wife was by her Dad's side. I have five kids and I wanted nothing more than for my wife to be at her Dad's side and to be there for her mom. That was my role. I would never be able to forgive myself if my wife missed that opportunity to be there for her parents. My only regret was that I could not be there too.

I honestly cannot believe that someone would consider calling their spouse and ask them to come home from their ailing parent's bedside because kids are a handful.

Sorry to pile on, but, wow.


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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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TheForge wrote:
For instance, they have been fighting a lot, so I gave them both a pair of my old boxing gloves and let them go at it for a few minutes. Problem was, it became fun for them.

This sounds kind of genius. Give them some rules, let them go at it for a minute with gloves, then go to their corners. Of course it will end in tears but you'll have a blast in the meantime. (If anybody's nose gets broke you didn't hear this from me.)
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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It sounds as though you get away with pretty much abhorrent behavior all the time, why do anything different now? Why not just demand she take the kids with her so you can continue hanging out with your internet friends?
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [j p o] [ In reply to ]
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j p o wrote:
How do I put this delicately? Hmm, can't. If my wife called and told me I needed to come home from my possibly dying parent's bedside after 4 days I would tell her to go fuck herself. This is one of those things that can't be taken back. Don't say anything at all that will make her feel even worse than she already does. You can tell her that you miss her and hope she can be back soon, but no way you go anywhere near a guilt trip.


I agree with this line of thinking. I wasnt married at the time my dad was struggling with life, and my boys were teenagers but they understood I would do whatever i could to help my mom, so If i up and left for a couple days it just had to be that way. If i had a spouse at the time I would have expected nothing less but understanding of the situation.

I think if I was asked to come home I would get real pissed. I couldnt imagine asking someone to come home while their parent is on their death bed



---------------------------------
Hold my Beer and watch this!
Last edited by: dhyoung9: Dec 23, 13 11:57
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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Quote:
For instance, they have been fighting a lot, so I gave them both a pair of my old boxing gloves and let them go at it for a few minutes. Problem was, it became fun for them.

Sounds like you're doing ok as a parent :-)

disclaimer: PhD not MD
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [saltman] [ In reply to ]
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saltman wrote:
It sounds as though you get away with pretty much abhorrent behavior all the time, why do anything different now? Why not just demand she take the kids with her so you can continue hanging out with your internet friends?

Its funny how the people who I have demolished in every political and economic debate here are piling on with stupid comments like the bolded. For the record, my post count was almost non-existent after she left last week.


"In the world I see you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Towers. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying stripes of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned superhighway." T Durden
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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TheForge wrote:
saltman wrote:
It sounds as though you get away with pretty much abhorrent behavior all the time, why do anything different now? Why not just demand she take the kids with her so you can continue hanging out with your internet friends?


Its funny how the people who I have demolished in every political and economic debate here are piling on with stupid comments like the bolded. For the record, my post count was almost non-existent after she left last week.

Wow once again we all bow to your superior intellect, but the world is pretty lucky to have idiots around who know how to parent 2 and 4yr olds for a few days without freaking out.

Just Triing
Liking ST more since finding the block user post option.
Triathlete since 9:56:39 AM EST Aug 20, 2006.
GM employee, The views and comments posted are my own and in no way reflect those of GM. - Required legalize from employer.
Be kind English is my 2nd language. My primary language is Dave it's a unique evolution of English.
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [DavHamm] [ In reply to ]
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DavHamm wrote:
TheForge wrote:
saltman wrote:
It sounds as though you get away with pretty much abhorrent behavior all the time, why do anything different now? Why not just demand she take the kids with her so you can continue hanging out with your internet friends?


Its funny how the people who I have demolished in every political and economic debate here are piling on with stupid comments like the bolded. For the record, my post count was almost non-existent after she left last week.


Wow once again we all bow to your superior intellect, but the world is pretty lucky to have idiots around who know how to parent 2 and 4yr olds for a few days without freaking out.

I'm glad you recognize this, now if only a few others here would come to that same conclusion.


"In the world I see you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Towers. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying stripes of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned superhighway." T Durden
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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TheForge wrote:
To complicate things, he apparently said DNR before the surgery. He is a medical professional who happens to work at the hospital he is at, UVA. My mother in law confirmed he said something like that, but when told what DNR means she said he didn't say that. You would think as a medical professional he would have documented that.

If he did say that and wakes up, he will be pissed. My wife is worried about that. If he does, which is an uphill battle, he will likely be depressed the rest of his life.

Just wanted to warn you. My Aunt was in a similar situation with a verbal DNR and had a heart attack with organ failure. The whole family was very hopeful she would recover. When she finally was conscience enough to know what was going on, she had the doctors pull the plug. It took over 7 weeks from her surgery to regaining conscience. Once she made herself clear and they agreed she was lucid enough to make the call, less than 6 hours before she passed.

If it was my wife, I would let her take all the time she needs. If you don't already, get them into full time day care or look for a short term nanny.
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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TheForge wrote:
saltman wrote:
It sounds as though you get away with pretty much abhorrent behavior all the time, why do anything different now? Why not just demand she take the kids with her so you can continue hanging out with your internet friends?


Its funny how the people who I have demolished in every political and economic debate here are piling on with stupid comments like the bolded. For the record, my post count was almost non-existent after she left last week.

You set-yourself-up for this beatdown. You entered their area and tried to play a game you cannot. OUCH!
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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Be a man for fuck's sake.

Marriage isn't always a perfect balance between what you put in, and what you get out. Right now your wife needs to be the priority. Let her be... Help her to be. Any pressure you put on her now to come home (and help with what you should have no trouble handling on your own) could have life-long consequences to your marriage.

Her dad is dying. Show your wife the love and respect she deserves, and stop thinking about how it affects you. This isn't about you.

To answer the question from the subject line - however long is needed.
Last edited by: lakercr: Dec 23, 13 13:20
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [Old Hickory] [ In reply to ]
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Yes I did. Serves me right putting my personal internal conflict in the open and on the weekend. But I accomplished my goal. The responses grounded me enough where I didn't impulsively say something I couldn't take back. Means to an end.


"In the world I see you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Towers. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying stripes of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned superhighway." T Durden
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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