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Pain and loss
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8 years ago today, at about this very time, my mom called me to tell me my dad had not woken up. I didn't understand right away. He was 84yo, healthy-ish for his age and my wife and I were supposed to go to France a few weeks later to see everyone.

8 years later, it still hurts like a bitch. That's all.
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Re: Pain and loss [Francois] [ In reply to ]
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Wish I could say it gets better. I guess in some ways it fades. But I lost my dad when I was 19 and there are still days where I miss him so much. I try to set it aside, knowing he wouldn't want me to feel that way.
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Re: Pain and loss [spudone] [ In reply to ]
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spudone wrote:
Wish I could say it gets better. I guess in some ways it fades. But I lost my dad when I was 19 and there are still days where I miss him so much. I try to set it aside, knowing he wouldn't want me to feel that way.

A few days ago was what would have been his birthday. I always get sad that day. My little who just turned 4 asked me, Papa is your papa dead? And it hit me like a brick wall. He saw I was sad and started crying and asked if I was going to die too.
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Re: Pain and loss [Francois] [ In reply to ]
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Francois wrote:
8 years ago today, at about this very time, my mom called me to tell me my dad had not woken up. I didn't understand right away. He was 84yo, healthy-ish for his age and my wife and I were supposed to go to France a few weeks later to see everyone.

8 years later, it still hurts like a bitch. That's all.

My mom passed a year ago tomorrow, we knew it was coming and it was still hard. It's even harder watching my dad try to deal with it.

That morning my sister sent a message to my wife and I that I missed. My wife called me and asked me if I was ok. I still remember the moment I put together what she was talking about.
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Re: Pain and loss [Francois] [ In reply to ]
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Your story of loss is a reminder to the rest of us not to take our friends and family for granted and try not to leave important things unspoken. For a long time I wanted to tell my dad what was on my mind about our relationship. I kept putting it off. I finally put it in a letter for Father's Day last year. I'm not sure if it had much effect, as he never talks much, but at least I know I did what I wanted to do.

I've yet to lose a parent and it's been a few years since any relatives I was particularly close to have passed. But there are a lot of family and family friends who are queuing up and I anticipate a rough period in the not too distance future.
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Re: Pain and loss [Francois] [ In reply to ]
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I empathize with you Francois. I unexpectedly lost my father (to suicide) March, 11, 1991. He was 41 years old. Even 30 years later I feel the loss. There isn't really anything anyone can say to make you feel better, but I hope you know there are others going through the same emotions with you.

--------------------------
The secret of a long life is you try not to shorten it.
-Nobody
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Re: Pain and loss [Francois] [ In reply to ]
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I wish I had words, sorry for your loss, my friend.

Suffer Well.
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Re: Pain and loss [Francois] [ In reply to ]
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Sorry for your loss. I've lost both my Mother and Father and it does get easier with time. It has been over 24 years since my Mother passed and I still find myself talking to her while out riding from time to time.

Time passes us by far too fast.
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Re: Pain and loss [Francois] [ In reply to ]
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I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my father 8 years ago and still miss him every day.
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Re: Pain and loss [Francois] [ In reply to ]
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Really unfortunate you could not have seen your father before his pass⁷ing. I was fortunate to have been with both my parents when they passed. Very tough emotionally but there is that closure aspect. My mom passed about a year ago. We had her in hospice care in our house for a month and were the primary care givers. Definitely one of the most difficult and stressful things I have ever done.
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Re: Pain and loss [Francois] [ In reply to ]
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sending hugs.

maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD
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Re: Pain and loss [Francois] [ In reply to ]
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Francois wrote:
8 years ago today, at about this very time, my mom called me to tell me my dad had not woken up. I didn't understand right away. He was 84yo, healthy-ish for his age and my wife and I were supposed to go to France a few weeks later to see everyone.

8 years later, it still hurts like a bitch. That's all.

It doesn't get forgotten. Remembering isn't a bad thing. It's been 30+ years since my dad passed (suddenly, heart attack). I still remember not understanding when my mom called w/the news. She said "Dad's not here anymore", and I was a bit confused about what that meant.

I was a college sophomore at the time when my dad passed. My son is now going into his Sr. year at college. I think about how I've had more time w/my son that I had w/my dad. And there are still major life-events ahead for my son that I'd like to be around for.

...

Changing gears to a somewhat humorous exchange... I was getting a haircut and my barber said he visited family in Turkey about a month ago. I asked him how it went and he said it was good up until the moment his sister dropped dead! He went on how she was healthy, exercised, did all the right things, but still.

So he said F$#%k it, he's decided to make sure he lives it up. Food, wine, cigars, etc. b/c you never know. I did notice he'd put on weight since my last haircut and his own hair was longer now. Wondering what state he may be in when I return in about 6 weeks. Hopefully he doesn't keel over.
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Re: Pain and loss [Francois] [ In reply to ]
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I completely understand your sentiments, my mom has been gone since 2007. Her birthday was Dec. 24, and it's always a very emotional day. Even thinking about her now brings tears to my eyes. She declined gradually over the years due to Huntington's Disease but that didn't make it any easier. It's weird though, when I'm having a tough time or things are going how I want, a thought of her and growing up creeps into my thoughts and it makes me smile and feel better.

_____
TEAM HD
Each day is what you make of it so make it the best day possible.
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Re: Pain and loss [Francois] [ In reply to ]
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Sorry Francois.

My Dad has Alzheimer's and while he's still doing ok, I miss my Dad already. He's not the same and never will be.

How does Danny Hart sit down with balls that big?
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Re: Pain and loss [Francois] [ In reply to ]
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We just got back from our annual family vacation. We all got a good cry remembering my brother in law that loved that camping trip. And talking about another sister that loved that trip that passed a few years ago.

My mom passed in 2008. She had Parkinsons and was bad for several years before that. It didn't make it easier. I still miss her.

I'm beginning to think that we are much more fucked than I thought.
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Re: Pain and loss [BLeP] [ In reply to ]
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BLeP wrote:
Sorry Francois.

My Dad has Alzheimer's and while he's still doing ok, I miss my Dad already. He's not the same and never will be.

Dementia/Alzeimer's is the worst. Lost my Dad in 2018 but his dementia got bad about 15 months prior. At least he got to know his great grandchildren which my Mom never did. She went in for surgery in September 2006 and never woke up after. I miss them both terribly. When I was in Kansas City in June, 8 yo Marshall said out of the blue, "I miss Grandpa Frankie". Me too little dude.

Know how you're feeling Francois, Blep and everyone else.

clm
Nashville, TN
https://twitter.com/ironclm | http://ironclm.typepad.com
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Re: Pain and loss [Francois] [ In reply to ]
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I'm sorry.

For me it was easier to gain closure with my dad. 4-5 years of emphysema and other heart issues. Death was an absolute relief. And he picked the time. When he could no longer get out of bed at all, he let us know he was going to pull out his oxygen tube and take an extra morphine tab or two. This was at home, and we were all right there.

It was also easier because we weren't that close for various reasons. It'll be much harder with my mom, who is still going strong.
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Re: Pain and loss [Francois] [ In reply to ]
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Everyone is different as each of our relationships is different I suppose. I agree with others that long term illness may prepare you in a way that abrupt conclusions do not seem to.

When I see my father in myself and in my children, I am always reminded of the good times. And I am reminded to have good times myself so that my children will remember them as well.

I hope you can remember some good times.
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Re: Pain and loss [trail] [ In reply to ]
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Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences and feelings. I am definitely feeling guilty for not having been there at the time, but then it's bound to happen since most of my family (the close one anyway) is in Paris and I'm in the US with my own family.
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