Holy fuck. You win this thread.

How is even possible to muster that kind of dumb, ugly hatred for anyone, let alone your child's wife and the mother of your grandchildren? Sorry for what you have had to deal with.

So sorry for your loss

I'm sorry to read that your mother passed away. I offer my condolences.

My brother and I have been mostly estranged for 7-8 years. Until my father fell and broke 13 ribs and almost died. At that point, none of the previous differences mattered and we started talking and working to help take care of my dad, and my mother who has early stages of dementia.

The list is long in my case, I have always been independent enough that consistent bad behavior or spectacular wrongs have resulted in erasing them from my existence.

My father was estranged from the beginning of my adulthood until I was about 30 due to the way he treated my mother. He once threatened to kill her, I responded with my own threat of bodily injury which resulted in a 10 year hiatus in the relationship. We reconciled after his second wife took him to the cleaners and destroyed his retirement plans. I invited him to a "Tiger Cruise", being attached to an Aircraft Carrier on the last leg of a deployment where relatives can embark on the ship in Hawaii and ride it back to California. We talked a lot, apologies and commiserations, plus a lot of looking at the sea and watch the waves go by. Healing stuff that ocean, even for a lifelong sailor.

Other relatives have been estranged, a bunch for a failure to accept my first wife who was not from the US, others for bad behavior like drug abuse or sales. One sister who's first word is "Hello" and the second two is "I need", basically treating me as if I were an ATM for her failure to plan. Both my parents have passed on, both with cancer, so the list is getting smaller of people I would even know as a relative or how to get in touch with them if I wanted to.

Just want to say a huge thank you to everyone who has responded and shared your very personal stories - some of which have really touched me. I continue to find it a very complicated situation as the impact of estrangement affects the wider family and those who I do deeply care about ... not just the one with the destructive / abusive personality. I suppose I’ve always been the type of person to forgive and forget - but sometimes the line needs to be drawn. It’s making the decision to know when it’s been taken too far...

I've never embraced "forgive and forget". I don't forget. I simply "remove" from my life and move forward. Whether it would work for others, it has always worked for me.

I would say if there is some doubt and uncertainty it might be wise to make the attempt. From reading the thread the people who had come to terms seemed unequivocal about the relationship with the relative. You still may regret the nature of the relationship not being different but at least you won't have the regret of not trying to the point of certainty.

Yes, I am voluntarily estranged from extended family members.

One day (about a thousand years ago) in HS detention, I decided to pass the time by counting my aunts, uncles, cousins. Totals came to (14) A's and U's. (blood related), and (56) 1st-cousins. By now, I have no idea how many 2nd, or 3rd.

Somewhere back more than 20yrs. ago, I "canned" all but 1 uncle. In fact, I recall only one occasion since, when I have actually laid eyes upon any -- and it was from a distance. The circumstances of the vivisection need neither be examined, nor re-examined ever. Other than an occasional curiosity, I have not looked back. I don't care what they are doing, and don't care that they don't know what I'm doing. I don't know if I've missed anything, but no regrets. I much prefer time and life experiences with people I have chosen.
I'm on the marrow donor list. If they need some, I'll donate. But it ends at the needle's withdrawl. I may see them somewhere, someday, and I don't have a planned response, but whatever it is... I will not be standing still.

Blood is not thicker than water. Family is not everything.

I totally get how your friend reacted. Reading through this - no wonder the world is fucked up. Very sorry you had to grow up like that.

I grew up in a "Leave it to Beaver" family. My parents were married just short of 51 years when my mother died. My brother and I are both adopted and were cherished by the entire extended family the days we were brought home (2 years apart) since my mother had 4 miscarriages and one stillbirth before they went the adoption route. My brother, nephew and I talk multiple times a week and both sides of the family get together regularly.

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clm
Nashville, TN
https://twitter.com/ironclm | http://ironclm.typepad.com

Not formally or out of any kind of "situation".

We've tried to stay in touch with my sister and invite her and her husband to things, but never hear a word. They live about 10 minutes away and we see them for about an hour at a holiday maybe once or twice a year. They last responded to an invite in the affirmative like 4 years ago to a game night at our house, nothing since.

We were born 7 years apart, so there's that. Can't say I didn't try to pursue a relationship.

We have extended family we won't go see because we don't care to spend time off talking about reflexology, conspiracies, and all manner of odd stuff. We spend our time with closer to town family and friends instead. We've nothing to share and no reason to get together, so don't any longer.

In my family, I think that the attitude has been that family will always stick together regardless of how shit you’re treated. It was really my friends who gave me a sense of normality and stability .. And I was too pig headed to let the shit stick but I know others who aren’t in the same boat and are a lot worse off than me ..

My family (inc in laws) don’t understand the importance I’ve placed on my friendships - because really these are the people I’ve chosen to be in my life and vice versa for good reason, from my lived past experiences. I know someone else made a comment about this and it’s how I’ve lived my life and my family has always crucified me for it.

When I was younger I was naive to think that people will always forgive and forget. As I’m getting older I’m starting to realise that sometimes this isn’t always the best thing to do - and that people do not miraculously change overnight. It’s taken me years to accept this truth about life.

I believe in "Forgive and forget". I do not believe in harboring ill-will or grudges either. I made myself available for reconciliation. When I realized they were not -- I stepped on the gas buh bye! A conscious decision to not be a party to toxicity. It was also painful... Briefly! Family gatherings, Holidays, invitations, visits, hospitals, funerals, bitch-biting, sneers, sideways glances, all of the events we dread -- GONE! Traded for a hope or desire for their possible acceptance? No way! I say "Good trade."

I must admit that I "may" have missed some special family times with them; however, I know/knew them, and armed with that knowledge and history, I don't think I have missed anything that I would trade for the times that I have had with people whom I have chosen, AND HAVE CHOSEN ME!

Eliminating toxicity is liberating. I hope for you the same liberation.

Choose to live with people of character. Sleep well!

My sisters are a pain but I don’t let it bother me. My wife’s family are a neurotic group.

Wife had a conversation with a sibling today that has been feeling guilty but won’t really admit it. They made a comment about the relationship being worth the investment. My wife told me she hated the phrasing, but then said she was starting to see that “the relationship “ isn’t. Which made me happy because she tries so hard to be a good, polite and fair person such they they take advantage of her and bully her. As far as I am concerned, good riddance. She doesn’t feel that way based on memories from growing up.

I believe in forgive but never forget.