When would you let a parent fail financially?

Mar 6, 19 9:29

Post #1 of 17 (1472 views)

I feel like I've posted about this before.

What's it look like for folks out there who end up with a parent on medicare and a SS check someday?

We're about done with a parent local to us. Can't hold a sales job, won't get out of "prissy" sales retail positions versus sucking it up and doing something that isn't a prissy rich lady style job. Can't do their own finances. Won't live like a person with a low paying job (expensive groceries, can't keep a room-mate, townhouse in nicer part of town). We even take more measures in our house at budget/cost than this person does. This person earlier in life lived too long off a rich guy's alimony and couldn't get a clue, pretty much.

I just don't think until they realize the faults of their ways (and suffer through a failure) there will be any improvement. If people constantly bail out and help, it'll be just as bad someday else.

I'd hate to see someone lose the equity in their home because they're too selfish or stupid to not sell or downgrade. As I see that as money they could use someday in their retirement somehow. But, I don't feel it reasonable or responsible for adult kids to have to treat a 60's year old adult like a freaking child and pretty much demand they do certain things.

So......what's that look like for folks dependent on medicare and SS? That's what it's looking like someday. I'm not risking our financial situation at the cost of perpetuating the cycle with our kids someday because of that mess.

I feel like this is how it ended up with my dad's parents when they got older. All a bunch of irresponsible folks that couldn't be helped that our family just let it all alone.

Re: When would you let a parent fail financially? [burnthesheep] [ In reply to ]

Mar 6, 19 9:37

Post #2 of 17 (1453 views)

I might consider helping if they simply ran into bad times and needed a helping hand.

What I would not do is throw good money after bad and just write someone a cheque that they will blow through on stupidity.

How does Danny Hart sit down with balls that big?

Re: When would you let a parent fail financially? [BLeP] [ In reply to ]

Mar 6, 19 9:50

Post #3 of 17 (1431 views)

BLeP wrote:

I might consider helping if they simply ran into bad times and needed a helping hand.

What I would not do is throw good money after bad and just write someone a cheque that they will blow through on stupidity.

This.

Re: When would you let a parent fail financially? [burnthesheep] [ In reply to ]

Mar 6, 19 9:51

Post #4 of 17 (1431 views)

If you're constantly bailing someone out, why would they change? You're removing the discomfort which should be associated with their poor decisions.

Re: When would you let a parent fail financially? [burnthesheep] [ In reply to ]

Mar 6, 19 10:06

Post #5 of 17 (1408 views)

burnthesheep wrote:

I feel like I've posted about this before.

What's it look like for folks out there who end up with a parent on medicare and a SS check someday?

We're about done with a parent local to us. Can't hold a sales job, won't get out of "prissy" sales retail positions versus sucking it up and doing something that isn't a prissy rich lady style job. Can't do their own finances. Won't live like a person with a low paying job (expensive groceries, can't keep a room-mate, townhouse in nicer part of town). We even take more measures in our house at budget/cost than this person does. This person earlier in life lived too long off a rich guy's alimony and couldn't get a clue, pretty much.

I just don't think until they realize the faults of their ways (and suffer through a failure) there will be any improvement. If people constantly bail out and help, it'll be just as bad someday else.

I'd hate to see someone lose the equity in their home because they're too selfish or stupid to not sell or downgrade. As I see that as money they could use someday in their retirement somehow. But, I don't feel it reasonable or responsible for adult kids to have to treat a 60's year old adult like a freaking child and pretty much demand they do certain things.

So......what's that look like for folks dependent on medicare and SS? That's what it's looking like someday. I'm not risking our financial situation at the cost of perpetuating the cycle with our kids someday because of that mess.

I feel like this is how it ended up with my dad's parents when they got older. All a bunch of irresponsible folks that couldn't be helped that our family just let it all alone.

Similar situation we were in a while ago. One of my sisters-in-law were on the brink of losing their home. Two kids and a very smart husband who refused to work. They spent way beyond their means and lived in a dream world.

The siblings wanted to band together to bail them out. I put my foot down and got my wife to write and email basically saying that
1) the only thing they would be bailing out is the bank
2) there is a highly capable human who is unwilling to do anything to improve their situation why should we?!

People saw sense and didn’t bail them out.

They managed to figure things out and stay in the house...

I’m all for caring and sharing...but people have to stand on their own two feet when they are clearly able to.

Re: When would you let a parent fail financially? [burnthesheep] [ In reply to ]

Mar 6, 19 10:19

Post #6 of 17 (1379 views)

A parent local to you? Are you close to them? Is it a parent of your kids friends?

I think they need to lose something and get to a place they really don't want to be in order to get themselves out of it.
Thankfully my parents are a lot better with money than I am.

Re: When would you let a parent fail financially? [burnthesheep] [ In reply to ]

Mar 6, 19 10:22

Post #7 of 17 (1369 views)

Some times tough love is exactly what is needed. Pitty it sounds like the lesson of failure was never taught earlier in life, but is going to have to be taught now.

--------------------------
The secret of a long life is you try not to shorten it.
-Nobody

Re: When would you let a parent fail financially? [burnthesheep] [ In reply to ]

Mar 6, 19 11:04

Post #8 of 17 (1310 views)

Let me tell you about my mother-in-law.

A few months ago she got fired from her retail job on her 75th birthday. She weighs less than 90 lbs and smokes and drinks daily so her health is suspect. She has been living on unemployment and trying to find another job but without much luck.

She has no savings other than a few thousand dollars in a 401K that she is convinced her former employer is going to screw her out of. She lives in a rented house in a run down neighborhood with her long time boyfriend.

I have no idea if she can live on SS. She is probably too proud to ask for help. We do help her out at times, mostly buying prescription drugs that she would forego otherwise. I have no idea what her future looks like, but I can't see it ending well. My wife and I have agreed that we will provide her a home to keep her from being homeless, but I'm really reluctant to subsidize her smoking and drinking habits. I dread having to deal with her future. It's like having an irresponsible child.

Re: When would you let a parent fail financially? [burnthesheep] [ In reply to ]

Mar 6, 19 11:22

Post #9 of 17 (1281 views)

Instead of giving the person money, why dont you just let the person live with you? This is what I have done in the past for siblings/inlaws/friends/friends of my kids/etc.

This is just what people have done in my neighborhood.

Re: When would you let a parent fail financially? [edbikebabe] [ In reply to ]

SallyShortyPnts

Mar 6, 19 11:28

Post #10 of 17 (1271 views)

edbikebabe wrote:

BLeP wrote:

I might consider helping if they simply ran into bad times and needed a helping hand.

What I would not do is throw good money after bad and just write someone a cheque that they will blow through on stupidity.

This.

X3

DFL > DNF > DNS

Re: When would you let a parent fail financially? [SallyShortyPnts] [ In reply to ]

Mar 6, 19 12:03

Post #11 of 17 (1233 views)

Kind of what I figured. We'll see how it pans out.

Ignorance is bliss until the floor falls out.

Re: When would you let a parent fail financially? [burnthesheep] [ In reply to ]

Mar 6, 19 12:19

Post #12 of 17 (1194 views)

burnthesheep wrote:

Kind of what I figured. We'll see how it pans out.

Ignorance is bliss until the floor falls out.

I hate to ask but how old is the parent? My MIL was terrible with money. She kept a job as a teacher, and was great at it, and we even got a small inheritance when she passed, but 80% of the value of her estate was probably the CC debt she died out from under. She had all of her phones on silent to ignore collectors calls, went bankrupt once and, for some reason, could NOT resist buying every iteration of ipad.

We made a calculated decision to avoid a confrontation. We bought her plane tickets for visits and paid for her bankruptcy attorney. We paid for everything whenever we were together and got in this weird dynamic where we would reimburse her sister (the only person she felt comfortable asking for money from), so that that relationship could hold together.

And then she died and I was glad we did all of it. $10-15k felt like a more than reasonable price for the arguments we avoided, for the trips she got to take to see her grandkids and for the stress she avoided.

"Are you sure we're going fast enough?" - Emil Zatopek

Re: When would you let a parent fail financially? [burnthesheep] [ In reply to ]

Mar 6, 19 12:43

Post #13 of 17 (1168 views)

I have several nuclear family members that are living off of government subsidies and continue to make crappy decisions. We'll help out from time to time.

Never give them money. Ever. If they tell you they have needs and you're so inclined, buy them the thing they need instead of giving them the cash. We send food on a semi-regular basis. One time, my parents' refrigerator broke. That was legit and we bought them a new fridge (they had the gumption to complain about how it wasn't the exact make and model of the ridiculously expensive unit they wanted- sigh). Sibling's kid needs diapers so we'll send along some diapers (and a toy or 2- poor kids can't choose their parents and got the short straw).

A lot of times, their struggles come from laziness. They need to fill out certain paperworks to be given certain benefits. We'll, when we get the chance, help them fill out the paperwork. But never do it for them. They need to do the work themselves. It's a huge role reversal but we try not to enable as much as possible.

Take a short break from ST and read my blog:
http://tri-banter.blogspot.com/

Re: When would you let a parent fail financially? [burnthesheep] [ In reply to ]

Mar 6, 19 13:01

Post #14 of 17 (1147 views)

burnthesheep wrote:

Kind of what I figured. We'll see how it pans out.

Ignorance is bliss until the floor falls out.

I actually sat down with my parents after making a mortgage payment for them after they went on a $15k vacation.

I told them I thought they were in trouble and needed to make some changes. I said I would not prioritize their financial future more than they did and it did not seem like a priority for them. I showed them a brochure for a nice assisted living in town and the crappiest one. I told them that they were on track to need my help to afford the crappy one but if they made some changes they would be able to afford the nice one.

They put their highly mortgaged house on the market within a few weeks and down sized.

It sucked to do but totally was worth it 5 years later.

Re: When would you let a parent fail financially? [burnthesheep] [ In reply to ]

Mar 6, 19 13:20

Post #15 of 17 (1131 views)

We let my parents go when we discovered that my dad had embezzled from their church and they had not filed or paid taxes in 10 years.

My dad actually had the balls to ask us for money to pay the Fines and penalties to the IRS.

Re: When would you let a parent fail financially? [ In reply to ]

Mar 6, 19 14:17

Post #16 of 17 (1084 views)

it depends... I guess. Some of you describe some parents that probably deserve it, so I cant relate. For me there is only 1 person/parent left alive between us so I would not let her fail financially. (not that she would anyways) When my mom was alive she lived off SS and had next to no saving but I gave her all the cash she wanted to go to the indian casinos. (the one thing she enjoyed) Nothing crazy ofcourse be whatever to make her happy.

Re: When would you let a parent fail financially? [burnthesheep] [ In reply to ]

Mar 6, 19 14:25

Post #17 of 17 (1075 views)

**Medicaid is for poor people, NOT medicare. big difference. just for anyone googling terms.

Our Partners

transition-DOT-area-AT-slowtwitch-DOT-com

Advertise with us

©1999-2024 Slowtwitch, Inc., and Slowtwitch.com
Reproduction of material from any Slowtwitch.com page
without written permission is strictly prohibited.