You are asking the right questions IMO. I have 2 kids - a senior (boy) and a junior (girl) high schoolers. It is definitely a tougher sledding for them both, for the different reasons in each respective case. The dating scene is so very different from where it was when I was their age (I am in my mid 40s). I often don't have a good advice for the boy who's definitely lost at times trying to navigate the gender relationships they way they are in 2019. But the girl seems to be equally lost - just like her friends are in my opinion. The girls are innately looking for a strong male - and it is undeniable. But the strength is not easy to demonstrate for the teenage males without risking being perceived as aggressors - which often leads to accusations of harassment or worse. What's worse is that they are all pushed into this total gender confusion.

I am sure that they will figure it out eventually and will see this period of our history not any different than the way we look at the 80's clothes, the grunge rock of the 90's or the dominance of AOL in the oughties.

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Next races on the schedule: none at the moment

I wouldn't typically notice or comment on a guy's hairstyle/color change like I would a woman, though, typically because guys don't give a shit if another guy (or anyone) likes their do.

Is there something bordering on inappropriate to tell a woman you like their new hairstyle or color? If so, I'm treading on thin ice around here. I told a nurse last night that her new hair color fits her perfectly. Turns out it's her original color that she'd been dying blonde, and she got tired of the upkeep, so she was genuinely happy to see that I noticed it and preferred it to the artificial color. She'd been wanting to do it for a while but thought she looked better as a blonde.

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The devil made me do it the first time, second time I done it on my own - W

This. I'm probably not ever going to compliment a guy at work on a haircut. I might make fun of someone if they get a bad cut, because that's how guys tend to interact. But I would probably compliment a woman if she had long hair and got it cut short or something like that.

Trying to approach this from the "if you wouldn't say it to a guy,..." perspective is not a good strategy, in my opinion.

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Slowguy

(insert pithy phrase here...)

Quoted above: the last three posts in this thread.

Holy shit, people. The word is "compliment".

You are making this way too complecated.

As for me, I compliment my coworkers and staff, male and female, on their performance. Not their appearance.

Gotcha. So women totally spend the untold riches on their wardrobes just so that they can only be noticed and appreciated by the other women.

How did the world manage to raise the millennial women in the way that makes them totally misunderstand human sexuality?

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Next races on the schedule: none at the moment

apologies ahead of time, this is going to be a ramble . . .


Millennial women get very mixed messages. On one hand they have to be successful professionals. On the other there's this compulsion to look hot. Not nice, not pretty, but sexual. Like a Kardashian. The hotness thing is crippling, because a sexual persona undermines a professional one. It's a distraction.

It gets even more complicated because many women work hard on their appearance on the job not to attract mates, but to look capable, and enviable to other women. It's a status thing. This may include out-hotting the others, which is stupid but media -- social and otherwise -- reinforces this as an ideal over and over again.


So the real problem comes in because men, because they're always attuned to sexual opportunity, tend to interpret female appearance as a scaling invitation. Women are not. Even if they dress for hotness (to maintain status) they can resent being perceived as sexual targets (real or imaginary).


TL:DR -- it's not always about sex for women, even if it looks like it is

Maybe it was meant to say as color coordinated? In which case complement works fine ;)

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They constantly try to escape from the darkness outside and within
Dreaming of systems so perfect that no one will need to be good T.S. Eliot

You'll notice I restricted my advice to the workplace. Compliment away outside of work. At work, keep it professional.

I'm not a milennial, by the way.

I'm amazed at how difficult it is for some people to recognize the pretty clear difference between appropriate and inappropriate interpersonal interactions. I guess we could sterilize the workplace to be devoid of niceties and compliments, but man, what a shitty place that would be.

Always pay someone the sincere compliment when it occurs to you, as a rule. It just makes everyone's day better. And if you're unsure if the compliment was intended as a friendly observation or a come-on, give the person who complimented you the benefit of the doubt and just say thank you.

This really isn't complicated.

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The devil made me do it the first time, second time I done it on my own - W

I'm coming from the perspective of 35 years in the workplace, and the idea that "I don't know how human sexuality works" (as mentioned by another comment) exactly makes my point. I'm there to work. I don't need guys trolling around commenting on my physical appearance when I'm there to do my fucking job. I've had to whole gamut of compliments from perfectly neutral to obnoxiously sexist. Because it appears from this thread that many men see all evaluative compliments they give to women as positive, despite what the woman herself may think, it is my advice to take it out of the workplace.

And no, I will not give the guy who says my skirt is 'hot' the benefit of the doubt when it comes to it, and I will not say thank you -- ***in the workplace***.

If you're among friends, out socially, in your tri club, among the parents at your kids' school, anywhere else, go for it. Compliment (tastefully) anyone you want. But I think workplace dynamics should be different.

Surely you see the difference between drawing attention to your "hot skirt" (inappropriate) and complimenting a new hairstyle, or shoes, or something nonsexual said without sexual connotation.

I know you do. 30+ years around people should give anyone clarity on this.

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The devil made me do it the first time, second time I done it on my own - W

I don't know. Does the guy who said it think it was a friendly compliment or something else? If challenged, would he say the same thing you did (give me the benefit of the doubt!)?

My wife spends a ton on clothes. Has a huge closet full and probably more than she could ever wear. Guess what, she typically only buys clothes that make her feel good and doesn't generally care what others think. She has on occasion bought something she thinks I'll like but other than that it's all about how she feels and looks in the mirror. She's a teacher and probably the only one in the school with any style. Most teachers around my area tend to dress pretty frumpy, my wife definitely goes against the grain in that regard.

There are a couple of guys at the school who compliment her often and she says it does creep her out sometimes even if it may seem innocuous. Part of that is because these same guys don't appear to compliment other teachers, at least not around her.

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TEAM HD
Each day is what you make of it so make it the best day possible.

Well, duh.

Yep, should have seen that.

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TEAM HD
Each day is what you make of it so make it the best day possible.

In most instances, the two people know exactly how it was intended. As to whether it's appropriate, that's for the recipient to decide, I guess, but if someone refers to someone's "hot skirt" they should reasonably expect to get an earful if it wasn't appreciated.

I look at it this way. When I deliver compliments (which I always do, and will continue to do) to coworkers, if they're people I'm flirty with and it's reciprocated, there's a little more leeway. Otherwise, the compliment is delivered as if I'm a gay man appreciating the obvious effort and detail a woman puts into her appearance (hair, nails, color coordination, etc.) with no sexual agenda whatsoever. If I deliver the compliment like David Lee Roth circa 1986, then yeah, chances are that isn't workplace appropriate.

To the OPs question, I will always tell my boys to be complimentary of women in respectful ways, because sincere respectful compliments are always appreciated by reasonable people. I will not teach them to play the defensive game and stunt their interpersonal development for fear of sexual harassment charges. There's miles of distance between the two.

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The devil made me do it the first time, second time I done it on my own - W

Chances are in high school they will stare a bit and then be embaressed with a boner.

I think it depends on the woman - really. My lady friend who is from Norway loves getting cat calls as much as another colleague who was born from Russia. But here, another colleague finds catcalls to be despicable because she gets them at work. Mileage varies on the person.

So she goes out of her way to look better than her colleagues, and then is bothered that guys notice the difference?

What? No, she dresses to make herself feel good. She doesn’t go out her way to impress anyone. Not sure where you got that from.

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TEAM HD
Each day is what you make of it so make it the best day possible.