Good luck to you.



Not sure there is anything more I can add. As long as you positively support her (and it sure sounds like you do) I think that is all you can do. Try not to take her out for too many late night ice creams, etc., and derail any progress she is making. My wife is also curvy and has gained some since we started dating. I can relate.

"Does my butt look big in this dress?"

Tough dilemma. I wish I could be more helpful. About the only thing I could suggest is to find VERY subtle ways of guiding her towards a more workable solution. When I say subtle, I mean so subtle that you have rock had, iron clad plausible deniablity. Maybe you could discuss a health regimen for both of you (which would get you directly involved) , so that you could work on being healthy as sort of a New Year's Resolution. My guess is that your wife does not need the motivation, since she tries to lose weight on her own. She also sounds as though she is a little afraid of failure since she keeps it "quiet."



Good luck!

Bernie

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"Slowbern has always made astute observations."-Casey 03/10/2009
2013-2014 Detroit Lions---13-3 until proved otherwise.

Hmmm...you are brave to bring up such a touchy subject. I guess I have to ask if she really does want to lose weight or if she is just feeling pressured to do so. If she doesn't have the motivation it will never happen. But that should be your focus-what your wife wants, not that you'd like her to be as small as she used to be, because for many women that's just not reality.

If she does truly want to get in better shape and improve her body composition (which should be the focus-not a number on a scale) perhaps it is something you could do together? I know from personal experience that it helps a lot to have a training and eating buddy. Maybe you could propose that YOU want to eat healthier and exercise more and you'd like her to join you and see what her response is.

I am also curious as to what she has tried and why it hasn't worked.

Good luck!

I'd like to tell her to eat less, train more ... but I enjoy being married to her. I've stayed quiet for over 3 years ... time for a new strategy. What's the answer?

First, you may need a lot of luck.

Then, it has been my experience that most weight loss comes from what you eat, or don't eat, not the amount of exercise you get, assuming most people do not have all day to train. So, why not change eating habits with you leading the way. Focus on eating a healthy breakfast, lots of small meals and stopping eating after a light dinner. Eat more lean proteins, vegetables and fruite and avoid the breads, pasta and after dinner snacking.

On the exercise front, encourage her increase running. If she increases the frequency of runs she will tend to lose more than from cycling. You can also help with this by encourging a run focus period to build up to 5-6 runs per week. They don't have to be long or hard, just consistent.

But above all, do not tell her she is chunky. Lead by example. Find a good healthy diet book and read it together and then challenge her to a run program. Keep each other accountable. It will be fun, something you can do together, and you may save your life.

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You sir, are my new hero! - Trifan 11/13/2008

Casey, you are a wise man - blueraider_mike 11/13/2008

Casey, This is an astute observation. - Slowbern 11/17/2008

Develop an interest in cooking. You do the grocery shopping and cooking ... especially for dinner. Offer to make breakfast for her. If you drink alcohol, give it up for lent next month and see if it lasts after Easter. In the evening as things are winding down, ask her to go for a short walk with you ... take the dog if you have one ... borrow a neighbor's if you don't. It sounds like she is exercising enough so you need to unobtrusively control her calorie intake as much as possible. The short walk at night is to avoid the snacking that I am sure she is doing. Good luck.

At first I agreed with the other posts--the guy is screwed. Then I read your post, and you have nailed it. Lead by example. Maybe you could even throw in a "Hey Honey, let's..." so it is clear it is something you are doing and you would love to do it together as a couple. Brilliant.

Well, I’m not everybody, but I am female, and if my partner had a problem with the way I looked, I’d much rather he bring that issue to me than to a message board . . . If he’s sitting around thinking that my butt’s too big, I’d like to know so that I could do something about it. And I’d have no qualms about calling him on it if he packed on a few . . . By the way, I’m assuming you haven’t gained any weight or lost any hair since the beginning of this relationship . . . She might turn around and mandate the use of Rogaine or the purchase of a hairpiece . . . ;)



Why not be upfront? You can be honest without using the words “chunky” or “back when you weighed 125 pounds.” If she’s trying diets, she’s obviously not happy about her body. How about “I love you and want you no matter what you look like, but it makes me unhappy to see you unhappy with your weight and I’d like to support you however I can in your fitness and weight-loss goals.”? Then rid the house of unhealthy food, model good eating habits, and encourage active pursuits, preferably ones you can do together. Get the entire family involved. You aren’t going to be able to “sneak” it up on her, but the two of you can make a commitment to a more healthy lifestyle, and if a few inches come off along the way, show your appreciation.

Yoga and meditation. From firsthand experience, good things happen when the mind is quiet and you become more aware of your body and your thought patterns.

I recommend "8-Minute Meditation" by Victor Davich as a way to get started with meditation.

If she's trying weight loss strategies and is touchy about her weight then she's obviously not happy the way she is and would like to change. Offer to help her. If she's already an avid cyclist then it's probably too much intake that has her stalled. Offer to help her set up a food log. Help rid the house of calorie-dense junk food and help with the shopping and cooking. make a list of foods NOT to buy. My wife was stuck in her quest to lose baby weight and a food log helped her a lot. She realized there were a lot of snack calories throughout the day that negated all those burned in exercise. Whatever you do, don't mention posting this question on a chat forum.

You must be a woman without weight problems.

“I love you and want you no matter what you look like, but it makes me unhappy to see you unhappy with your weight and I’d like to support you however I can in your fitness and weight-loss goals.”?

You're not married are you.

:)

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You sir, are my new hero! - Trifan 11/13/2008

Casey, you are a wise man - blueraider_mike 11/13/2008

Casey, This is an astute observation. - Slowbern 11/17/2008

I am a woman, who has struggled with body image issues. Have you looked at your motivations are for wanting to bring this up? Is it her that's really unhappy or you?

As we age, I just turned 48, weight is much harder to lose. I had to really increase the exercise, I mean really increase and really watch my food intake. She could also be experiencing some hormonal issuesor thyroid problems. Maybe she should have a thorough physical. Does she have a stressful job? Stress makes me hold on to weight.

When she wants to make a change, she will. Motivation must come from within. But you can help by not bringing high caloric foods into the house, maybe walking with her a couple of times during the week.

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The answer is just love her for who she is. Easier said than done for me as I am single once again ... As many of my married friends have told me "What you see is what you get." (Usually) ... Your wife sounds healthy: Don't push her, it may repel her. Fit and chubby is better than skinny and unhealthy any day. She's 42 with 3 kids after all and is probably much fitter than most others her age/situation ... You are lucky she is an avid cyclist, too.

The GF I just broke up with is quite chubby. She is plenty attractive to me but there was a reason she had gained 50 pounds from age 20 to 25 and it wasn't "chemical" as she was convinced. I NEVER told her my opinion of course ... She looks fine to me, but she's eats zero vegetables and only chicken and diary for protein and is stubborn as hell (as in she would never change her diet or workout) ... She works out a couple times a week but I would be surprised if she doesn't keep gaining and blaming it on genetics or whatever. I gave her a little advice when we first were going out but that was a mistake.

Leading by example is a bunch of BS: At first she was attracted to me but after a while she was horrified with my skinniness and told me so (I'm 5-10; 155) and eventually disgusted with my working out and never wanted to eat what I ate ... I'm sure she felt insecure since she is 5-4 and weighs more than me. I tried my best to keep my working out to my self but its a huge part of my life: I work out every day and am pretty obsessive ... Women like bigger guys in generally because they make them feel smaller. That's why 5-foot-2 guys have it as rough as 250-pound gals.

Late to the party but it's alot simpler than it seems.

Just start by saying you're trying to eat healthier and or lose a few pounds if you need to.

Make sure you make healthy meals, hopefully non family style. I.E. no bowls on the table to get more food from. Just the plate in front of you with proper servings. Start planning breakfasts & lunches for yourself and ask for her support.

Offer her as much time as she needs to work out and as suggested go for a family walk, run swim whatever.

In essence by asking for her support to reach your goal of "eating healthy, less and being active" she gets sucked in.

Get as much crap food out of the house as possible and ask that it doesn't come back because it's to tempting.

I know that it's true that I'm most succesful with weight control and healthy eating if my spouse is on board and 90% of the time if I'm succesful my spouse is as well.

Since you have kids they are a great excuse as well. "Honey I'd like to see the kids eat healthier" usually if they are eating healthy so are the parents.

A few thoughts.

~Matt

Try one of these.

Only kidding....I just watched Pulp Fiction again. My advice let her do what she wants. If you tell her or ask her it won't work. They do what they want. Just like we do. Only thing that may work is constant reinforcement, but still that won't work. Good luck....keep the peace. Investing in your health goes a long way especially when you get older. Maybe her doctor could tell her to lose some weight because it's unhealthy. But, seriously Doctor's these days are only pushing prescription medicine.

Hey man.

I can certainly relate to what you just posted. My wife is in the same predicament and is quietly and firmly trying to lose the extra pounds. But being a stay at home wife and mother of 1, it is hard to set up a regular regimen of exercise and dieting when you have a 2.5 year old boy running around the whole day.

I love my wife dearly and would like her to be happy on how she looks. But of course, if I could encourage and help her to lose a few lbs. then I'm all for it. But it does take a lot of time and effort to do that. And she simply doesn't have enough time to do that. I'm sure she would if she could. But I've seen how much time our little monkey takes from her this past holiday week. Even I was tired after 4 hours. Now imagine her being with him the whole day!

She used to be a svelte 120lb. runner/biker. But after having our baby and staying home to raise him, she's gained a couple of lbs. here and there. But the sweet and loyal person I married (and love) is still there. There's just more of her to love now.

I'm sure we'll get over the weight issues and get back to a much healthier lifestyle soon. She started dusting off her trainer and actually started running on the treadmill yesterday.

They can't be the biggest losers. They gave us our bundle of joy and keep taking care of us! We're probably the biggest losers because we all secretly try to make them fit that certain image we all think is correct. I'll let her be and let her decide when she wants to be back. I'm sure it'll be coming soon.

Just an opinion of course.

I am in a similar situation.

What I have done is, I now do the cooking. I also do the shopping and limit the number of snacks available. As much as possible I try to have leftovers or other healthy food available for lunch.

A good healthy sex life is also good for burning a few extra calories every day. :)

Never, ever mention the word diet. If you have to use a strategy use the word lifestyle.

Good luck. Also tell her every day that you love her.

I told my wife if she gets back to her wedding weight, we can go to Italy. I was joking, she's got 4 or 5 lbs to go now and is looking at airfares. Shit. A trip like that will put a damper on race entrys.
Anyways, I couldn't help my wife, I don't really care either that she gained some weight. Having two kids and working will do that. She joined weight watchers though and it seems to work with her along with exercise.