Man. That’s rough.

I would have her pull most of the cash and put it into a single account - to protect her from being broke in the short term.

Then I would confront him, while the kids are not around. She needs to be ready to kick him out and have a story for the kids.

Then she needs to go to an attorney

Just my opinion.

I think moving the cash to a personal account is a smart move to protect whats left. Of course if she didn't know about it, he had somehow kept the increase spending from her so he might not have been putting all the money into the joint account.

From there, I think she needs to decide (before confronting him) what her feelings are, does she really just want to walk away from him and his problem? Does she want to see if he wants to keep the marriage going? Was it the drugs and distance that led him to the other women? or was it the other women that led him to a job out of town and drugs?

I wouldn't jump to the divorce lawyer yet. But I think she needs to have idea and options before getting into the emotional situation.

Sucks for the kid, hope they can work it out.

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Just Triing
Triathlete since 9:56:39 AM EST Aug 20, 2006.
Be kind English is my 2nd language. My primary language is Dave it's a unique evolution of English.

Speak to divorce attorney first? Not necessarily to get divorced but to protect herself and the kids given that husband is proving on a daily basis as that is not his priority. I have seen many women have this situation and hubby admits to it says he will make sure she gets taken care of etc but bleeds money out for himself etc. And they want to believe him so they do. If he is serious about reconciling and fixing things he should be able to give up control of the money to prove he is committed to change.

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They constantly try to escape from the darkness outside and within
Dreaming of systems so perfect that no one will need to be good T.S. Eliot

This. I wouldn't be quick to pull the divorce parachute, but, he needs to give up control and total transparency of what's going on here if he wants any chance of reconciliation (if that is indeed what he wants).

Short term: protect what she can assetamd cash wise and confront him. Either way it's going to be ugly. What a shitty situation.

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Long Chile was a silly place.

I think divorce is inevitable. She's been fed up with him for a while. Used to come home Friday nights, then he was really "busy" so started coming Sat morning. Then Saturday afternoon and too tired to do anything with her and the kids. Mad at her that he's busting his ass and she just takes care of the kids. (She is also a special ed assistant full time at an elementary school) She just thought it was the pressure of the business, got too big to quick, and probably money issues but nothing like what she just found out.

Really too bad, he's a great guy. I think it stems from the business and stress of it, trouble getting paid from customers and just spiraled out of control. It would be great if he could get straightened out and they could work it out but I don't see that happened. They are both hard headed.

That really sucks. It's incredible how cracks in relationships can become canyons pretty quickly if you don't stay on top of things and find ways to connect with each other.

Hope they can both pull their shit together for the sake of their kids.

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Long Chile was a silly place.

Credit Cards! Cancel or reduce the limit to say 1,000. House valuables - get them to friends house. Coke addict will do anything to keep habit going. If that drug use is known, probably get to an attorney now. May need to have good friend nearby when she confonts him.

Affairs are typically the outflow of ongoing marital problems rather than someone waking up and deciding to destroy their marriage. I would encourage them to try some counseling if there is any chance of saving the marriage.

I just want to speak for the silent majority here and say that I've got no idea what she should do.

Well, no,...no, he's not a great guy. He's been cheating on his wife for a year, and has a coke and drinking problem that is for sure eating into the money that should be going to take care of his family, and he's neglecting his kids.

He's not a great guy.

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Slowguy

(insert pithy phrase here...)

I was in the shower after writing that post and thinking I should have said “he’s a great guy. Or he used to be”
You’re right he’s actually a shit.

Phase 1: She needs to find a good Attorney ASAP. That way everything she does will be legal under the state laws she lives under. Chances are the guy will deny everything or promise to change. I bet you he will be on his knees crying and begging for forgiveness. Either way it's all BS, and if she falls for it she can only blame herself. She needs to be strong and protect herself.

Phase 2: If she wants to try and salvage her marriage marriage counseling is mandatory once or twice a week. He has to show up always. Miss once and the marriage is over. Also, if they really want to save their marriage mandatory drug testing has got to be part of any reconciliation. No skipped tests, no second chances. Fail one test and she needs to move on. And she needs to have access to all financial data and view it through a reputable 3rd party accounting firm weekly. Otherwise he will max out all their credit accounts, get a second mortgage and leave her with a shitload of debt that will take her years to recover from.

This is the time her real friends need to surround her.

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"The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do."

Speaking now from personal experience: affairs are never the problem itself, but a symptom of the problem, or problems. Stress, distance, addictions, there's a lot going on here. Her priority needs to be to protect their family from his demons, then confront those demons. If he's willing to work through it, she should try to support him in that mission. If not, end it.

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The devil made me do it the first time, second time I done it on my own - W

Me either.

I do feel bad for her though.

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"When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace." Jimi Hendrix

How are you doing with your situation?

It's difficult, but doable. Better by the day, mostly. Thanks for asking.

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The devil made me do it the first time, second time I done it on my own - W

I can’t be the only person here that when through a divorce.

Reading most of the comments, they are terrible suggestions.
If divorce is the thing to do, realize both parties have rights. Don’t go and hide valuables and empty bank accounts. It will only fuel a fight through attorneys and you will lose in the end through additional attorney fees to fight your actions.

Now, if you closed a joint account and split it 50/50, that’s different. Plus, you already take that off the table for conversation through attorneys.

Every state differs, but in Wisconsin, after filing for divorce- it starts the clock. In 30 days you have a court date and submit living expense forms for each party, since one party leaves the joint residence. They will separate cash flow in order to balance disposable cash between both husband and wife. Then, you each argue for a long time- waste your money, and eventually split the remaining assets 50/50. Lol

At least the latter is how I see it go for anyone I have ever met.

I tell people divorce is 2 people with a dollar in change. They split it 50/50 and then argue why one person has 2 quarters and the other has 5 dimes. It’s really dumb.

Brutal, that sucks.

My sister is going through something similar, her husband is a decent guy and mostly a good father, but he's a shitty husband. He's immature and doesn't pull his weight at home - chores, kids, etc - and apparently cheated on my sister at some point last year.

What my sister and your friend have to weigh is if the marriage is worth saving, mostly for the kids sake. Is this something the husband can - and is willing - to work through? Is this something she can forgive? The alternative is divorce, which isn't rare certainly but isn't ideal and can be hard on the kids. My sister decided it was worth it for them to try and patch things and for him to get some help, they struggle but they're working it out - at least for now - for the kids sake.

Everyone's different but if she thinks she'd be able to forgive over time and he's willing to admit his transgressions and seek help that might just be the best course, at least for now. If he won't admit things, or isn't willing or able to change, that's when she should do all she can to protect the kids.

re: pulling money from the joint account.

I wouldn't recommend doing that until she's ready to move forward with whatever else she's planning. He'll know almost immediately once that happens, so if she isn't prepared to move forward, it might end up hurting her. In fact, if that's a consideration, I'd see the attorney first.

Even if she doesn't want to go the divorce route, seeing an attorney is her opportunity to get information about all her options and, more importantly, how her actions going forward may impact those options.

Exactly.

He's an ass who needs a good ass kicking.

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clm
Nashville, TN
https://twitter.com/ironclm | http://ironclm.typepad.com

Affairs are typically the outflow of ongoing marital problems rather than someone waking up and deciding to destroy their marriage. I would encourage them to try some counseling if there is any chance of saving the marriage.

Yes to this, but, success, and the saving of the marriage is really dependent on BOTH fully committing to working on the reconciliation. Many couples go through this process. However, very often one partner IS fully committed to making it work and the other is just putting on a show - so it's all a bit of theater. The latter, is often doing that in the hope of letting the other down easier for some strange reason, or taking a "look we tried" approach for an exit!

The catalyst for most marital problems is poor communication - in reconciliation, both partners REALLY need to up the communication game, dramatically.

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Steve Fleck @stevefleck | Blog