I'm going to listen to channel 9 more often when I fly. Some of these are hilarious.
-Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta
351:
"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
************************************************************************
****************************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." TWA
2341:
"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up
here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a
727?"
************************************************************************
****************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm
f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft
transmitting,
identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was
f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
************************************************************************
****************************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 329:
"Approach,
I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."
************************************************************************
******************************
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known
position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
************************************************************************
*****************************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end
of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe
exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
************************************************************************
******************************
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked".
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a
B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the ! fighter pilot
remarked,
"The dreaded seven-engine approach."
************************************************************************
*******************************
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard
the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance
time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak
in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German
airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from
another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the
bloody war!"
************************************************************************
*****************************
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By
the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end
of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind
Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report
from Eastern 702?" BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for
takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our
caterers."
************************************************************************
********************************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short
of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,
turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The
Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have
enough parts for another one."
************************************************************************
*******************************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it
was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,
call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled
onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know
where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our
gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):
"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly):
"Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
************************************************************************
******************************
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose
with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to
turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right
there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but
get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now
shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll
take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I
tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an
hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you,
and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance
engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
----------------------------------------------------------
"A society is defined not only by what it creates, but by what it refuses to destroy."
John Sawhill
-Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta
351:
"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
************************************************************************
****************************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." TWA
2341:
"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up
here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a
727?"
************************************************************************
****************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm
f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft
transmitting,
identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was
f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
************************************************************************
****************************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 329:
"Approach,
I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."
************************************************************************
******************************
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known
position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
************************************************************************
*****************************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end
of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe
exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
************************************************************************
******************************
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked".
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a
B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the ! fighter pilot
remarked,
"The dreaded seven-engine approach."
************************************************************************
*******************************
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard
the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance
time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak
in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German
airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from
another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the
bloody war!"
************************************************************************
*****************************
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By
the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end
of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind
Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report
from Eastern 702?" BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for
takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our
caterers."
************************************************************************
********************************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short
of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,
turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The
Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have
enough parts for another one."
************************************************************************
*******************************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it
was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,
call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled
onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know
where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our
gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):
"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly):
"Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
************************************************************************
******************************
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose
with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to
turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right
there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but
get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now
shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll
take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I
tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an
hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you,
and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance
engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
----------------------------------------------------------
"A society is defined not only by what it creates, but by what it refuses to destroy."
John Sawhill