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Post-partum wife advice
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So my wife is about 5 weeks out from having our third child. Everyone is healthy and reasonably happy, but my wife seems to be having a lot of trouble adjusting to the new situation. She a full-time (time and a half) mom, so she never gets a break from the mom gig...

How do I encourage/help her through this? I'm a "fixer" so I want to help, but I seem to be making things worse. Ladies, I could use some advice here. Thanks.
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Re: Post-partum wife advice [Matt B] [ In reply to ]
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Oh Matt B.....you are a good man and husband for wanting to help your wife. Kudos for you on that.

As a new mom I struggled with very similar issues. Right off the top of my head I would say that the single most wonderful thing my husband did for me was have ZERO expectations. If he came home and the house was a disaster, dinner was no where to be found, he greeted me with the warmest hug, smile and kiss. He always asked what I needed from him. Would take the baby(ies) from me (especially when they were hysterical since, like your wife I spent the entire day listening to it). He brought me little surprises (my favorite drink, a plant (I am not a cut flower person), a gift certificate 4 a massage. He would often tell me, "go lay down, I got this" especially during the weekends. And he told me on a daily basis what a good job I was doing (this for me was a huge one). He would also remind me that this time, although difficult, is but a short blurb in our lives so even when it's hard.....bask in it (he didn't exactly say it that way, cause well, he's a dude, but you get my point).

Basically he was just perceptive and that's the best piece of advice I can give you. He would either sense my anxiety or see it in my eyes and then go into 'take over' mode and that helped me relax. This will only work though, if your wife is the type to 'let go' of control.

Congrats on the next addition to your family!!!
Leslie

____________________________
Life is Short...Run Long
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Re: Post-partum wife advice [Matt B] [ In reply to ]
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I just got the November issue of Parenting (don't ask me why, I don't have kids, it just shows up in my mailbox.) There's a good article on post partum depression in it.

Good luck to you both.
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Re: Post-partum wife advice [Matt B] [ In reply to ]
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Matt, have you gone to any Dr appts with her and talked about your concerns?
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Re: Post-partum wife advice [RunMomRun] [ In reply to ]
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As a new mom I struggled with very similar issues. Right off the top of my head I would say that the single most wonderful thing my husband did for me was have ZERO expectations. If he came home and the house was a disaster, dinner was no where to be found, he greeted me with the warmest hug, smile and kiss. He always asked what I needed from him. Would take the baby(ies) from me (especially when they were hysterical since, like your wife I spent the entire day listening to it). He brought me little surprises (my favorite drink, a plant (I am not a cut flower person), a gift certificate 4 a massage. He would often tell me, "go lay down, I got this" especially during the weekends. And he told me on a daily basis what a good job I was doing (this for me was a huge one). He would also remind me that this time, although difficult, is but a short blurb in our lives so even when it's hard.....bask in it (he didn't exactly say it that way, cause well, he's a dude, but you get my point).

Basically he was just perceptive and that's the best piece of advice I can give you. He would either sense my anxiety or see it in my eyes and then go into 'take over' mode and that helped me relax. This will only work though, if your wife is the type to 'let go' of control.


This is great advice, so I had to duplicate it here. The number one thing that Dads can do is just take care of the little stuff without their wives having to tell them. Take your kids for a walk out of the house to give your wife some alone time. Make dinner. Tidy up the house. Tell your wife to go take a bath or lie down. Just take over from time to time and give your wife the time she needs to relax and recover. Being at home with children all day is very tough. You are "on" all day long and it wears you down. The last thing a Mom needs is to be ready with a list of things to tell her husband to do. Just do it.
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Re: Post-partum wife advice [trailbait] [ In reply to ]
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I went to several pre-delivery appointments, but she hasn't had a post-delivery visit yet. Things seemed to be improving a little but the house was struck by lightning on Monday and half the electronic devices in the house no longer work, so...
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Re: Post-partum wife advice [DawnT] [ In reply to ]
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Thanks. This is great advice.
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Re: Post-partum wife advice [Matt B] [ In reply to ]
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In Reply To:
I'm a "fixer" so I want to help, but I seem to be making things worse. Ladies, I could use some advice here. Thanks.

LOL on the "fixer" comment. My husband is one of those, and I sometimes felt he just wanted to give me advice. Most times the actual support as mentioned above is WAY better. That said, 3 kids is a BIG difference from 2. Seems like it should be easy to just add one more, but the tasks just grow exponentially.

Give her a big hug and ask what you can do to help, or just find a job and do it. :) Good luck!
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Re: Post-partum wife advice [Matt B] [ In reply to ]
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I only have one child but had to go back to work six weeks after her birth. I'd recommend you taking over one or two concrete tasks, like dinner and weekend laundry until life gets a little more settled. My sense is that it is all overwhelming and tiring right now for you and your wife; it won't always be that way, but happily plan for sandwich dinners or something easy that she doesn't need to think about in the near term, some of your grocery shopping on the weekend (or better, you watching the kids while your wife grocery shops alone). Break down what absolutely has to be done, I'm thinking food, laundry, child care, and get those settled and relax your standards in the other areas until you can catch your breath. Christmas shopping for relatives? Gift basket from iGourmet this year.

If you're planning to do an IM this next summer, I'd highly suggest postponing it. This just isn't the time. You are so blessed with your children, do what you can to take care of your priorities. With three sweeties at home, triathlon can't be a priority right now. Swim, bike and run when you can. We'll all still be here limping along after your kid's swim meets, track meets, music lessons, ballet recitals, musical recitals, soap box derbys, etc. Sprints are fun.

I don't know what your family/personal leave situation is at your work, but you may want to take some. Only you know if you need to. Thanksgiving is coming up, feel free to completely blow that crap out of the water unless others are cooking for you. You're blessed, but tired. Understandable. Best of luck to you and your beautiful family.
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Re: Post-partum wife advice [Matt B] [ In reply to ]
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Congrats!!! We've just found out that we're expecting #4, and can't wait for that rollercoaster to begin.

My advice for the third would be to make sure that you support network is in place and ready to go. Have someone scheduled for the first few weeks to help with the kids, and to just help her. Make as MANY meals in advance as possible, basically at this point make enough at each meal to freeze an extra one for the whole crew. Then make some more if you still can. Finally I would suggest making sure that the two of you have some uninterupted time together once during the first week.

Lastly, the stress of the third is a whopper compared to the first/second, be caring and loving and you'll be fine.
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Re: Post-partum wife advice [Tri 2 Tri] [ In reply to ]
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Thanks and congratulations on #4.
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Re: Post-partum wife advice [Matt B] [ In reply to ]
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Matt, me again. I'm worried that your wife may have postpartum depression. You are supposed to get the baby blues for a few weeks but return to normal after that. If it lasts beyond that, they want you to call them and let them know because there are things they can do if it is depression. She doesn't have to suffer and it could get worse. Can you talk to her about it? Be careful though, you could make things worse.

We are 3 weeks out now from our 1st baby and the first 2 weeks my husband kept getting upset when I would randomly burst into tears. It would happen about once a day and he would always say "Why are you crying? Things are going so well, there is no need to cry." The Dr. told him about baby blues but he was totally alarmed by it. I'm tired as heck right now but no longer crying. It's totally a hormonal thing that you can't control so men shouldn't expect the woman to keep it under control or get a handle on it. It just isn't possible.

I hope all is well with your wife and you. Take care!
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Re: Post-partum wife advice [trailbait] [ In reply to ]
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Erika,
Thanks for your concern, but she's actually doing much better. I wouldn't say things have returned to normal, but MUCH better.

I can't thank everyone enough for their suggestions.
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Re: Post-partum wife advice [Matt B] [ In reply to ]
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I'm so glad to hear she is doing better. The fact that you are asking other women about how to help her shows that you really care about your wife and her well being which will help her tremendously. Congratulations on #3! Would love to see a photo!
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Re: Post-partum wife advice [DawnT] [ In reply to ]
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You are "on" all day long and it wears you down. The last thing a Mom needs is to be ready with a list of things to tell her husband to do. Just do it.

Hey Dawn, this is a very woman-like "You should be able to read my mind comment" of the sort that drive me nuts. Women having expectations that a man is going to somehow sense what they want sets them up for disappointment 9 or 9 1/2 times out of ten. We do much better being told what you want done.

For the OP, having swapped roles with my wife 18 months ago, I've come to appreciate how hard it is to grind out the dishes, cooking, laundry and general cleaning day after day after day. I've had days where I totally "cleaned up" on all the household chores and my wife comes home and doesn't say a thing. She was preoccupied by something from her schooling, just like I was all those years as a Marine. Having said that, I'm taking a great deal of satisfaction to see how happy my wife is coping with the challenge of nursing school. And when she does notice, I appreciate it all the more.

And I get to spend every day with my two-year old. As much as I'm sick of his diapers, I don't understand why anyone would give up this experience for any reason.

Chad
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Re: Post-partum wife advice [cdw] [ In reply to ]
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You should be able to read my mind comment

That's not what I'm saying at all and it doesn't involve reading minds. I don't understand husbands who don't take responsibility for the state of the house. Why is it up to the wives to decide what has to be done around the house? If there are toys all over the living room, then PICK THEM UP!! Why do you have to wait for your wife to say "Can you please pick up the toys in the living room?". Seriously! Why is that so freaking hard?!

Many husbands come home at the end of the day waiting for instructions from their wives instead of just diving in and doing stuff that needs to be done. Are you blind and can't see that the garbage needs to get taken out? Did you forget that your 3 year old likes to have a story read to her before bed? Can you not see that the laundry basket full of clean laundry that you just tripped over needs to get folded and put away? Why are these things considered "reading minds" when it's obvious what needs to be done. Take responsibility for the house, even if it's just 10% of the responsibility, and your wives will appreciate it.
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Re: Post-partum wife advice [DawnT] [ In reply to ]
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Amen.
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Re: Post-partum wife advice [DawnT] [ In reply to ]
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This should be required reading for every husband. Just as a reminder...
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