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Found out daughter's best friend's father is a sex offender
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So I followed a link last week in the Lav Room to a site where you can see who the registered sex offenders are in your zip code. There where 5 in mine and one of them was the father of my 7 yo daughter's best friend. He was convicted of lewd sexual acts with a 12 yo when he was 27 (8 years ago). I was shocked beyond belief. I don't think he has ever been alone with my daughter and she's only been to their house a couple times. I don't think he was home either time so I'm not too worried about the past. My problem is how to deal with this in the future. Obviously I'll not allow my daughter at their home or go with them anywhere. This is her very best friend though and she's in her class at school. I don't feel it would be right to tell her the reason why she can't ever go over there.
Any ideas how to deal with this very strange situation? I'm sure she'll be invited to her B-day party. That's going to be a tough one.
Kathy
Last edited by: kath21: Sep 24, 09 15:12
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Re: Found out daughter's best friend's father is a sex offender [kath21] [ In reply to ]
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You can't tell her why, she's 7 and won't understand. If she's invited to the b-day party, go with her.

At some point, if the friendship continues, you will have to have a sitdown with her parent(s) to discuss the situation.

This is between adults, so keep it that way.

My 2 cents, and good luck.
AP

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"How bad could it be?" - SimpleS
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Re: Found out daughter's best friend's father is a sex offender [kath21] [ In reply to ]
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Ew. Just to note: some states will label a person a sex offender for urinating in public (exposure) - hard to imagine what other interpretation there might be for committing lewd acts with a 12 year old, but it may be worth discussing with your child's friend's mom.
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Re: Found out daughter's best friend's father is a sex offender [WitchyWoman] [ In reply to ]
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I don't think that was the case. This is the description: Victim was 12 years of age/Offender was 27 years of age
Sexual expoitation of a child/Sex Act

I did think of talking to her mom but people that stay with child molesters don't always have a good grip on reality. I know the mom has older daughters that no longer live with her, so it very well could have been one of them.
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Re: Found out daughter's best friend's father is a sex offender [kath21] [ In reply to ]
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I wish I had some good advice for you, is there an agency you can contact for advice on this? My thoughts on this are to never let a sex offender near your child. I'm glad you found out about this now so you can protect her.
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Re: Found out daughter's best friend's father is a sex offender [trailbait] [ In reply to ]
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The more I think about it I might have to contact the mother and tell her not to invite my daughter over there anymore. That way I won't have to always be telling her no. It's a very sad situation but I'm glad I found out.
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Re: Found out daughter's best friend's father is a sex offender [kath21] [ In reply to ]
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We went through this also when our daughter was growing up. No visits to the the friend's house and never allow any situation that might create a possible contact with the sex offender. Our daughter was very angry with us. But the good news is that as adults she and her friend have re-established a close friendship. Yes, we are still blamed, but a healthy adult friendship has been the result. And the father is no longer in the picture.

Stick to what is right... unfortunately it's going to hurt.

Jay
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Re: Found out daughter's best friend's father is a sex offender [JBR] [ In reply to ]
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Thanks for the advice - I will definitely keep her away from him now that I know. Did you ever tell your daughter (not sure what the appropriate age for this would be) why you wouldn't let her go over there?
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Re: Found out daughter's best friend's father is a sex offender [kath21] [ In reply to ]
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I would for sure want to know what the mother has to say about all of this. Was she ever going to tell you?

clm

clm
Nashville, TN
https://twitter.com/ironclm | http://ironclm.typepad.com
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Re: Found out daughter's best friend's father is a sex offender [trackie clm] [ In reply to ]
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In Reply To:
I would for sure want to know what the mother has to say about all of this. Was she ever going to tell you?

clm
Unfortunately, you're assuming that she knows about it.

John



Top notch coaching: Francois and Accelerate3 | Follow on Twitter: LifetimeAthlete |
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Re: Found out daughter's best friend's father is a sex offender [trackie clm] [ In reply to ]
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"Was she ever going to tell you? "

Doubt it. Wouldn't be surpised if she is in total denial that it ever happened.
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Re: Found out daughter's best friend's father is a sex offender [kath21] [ In reply to ]
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Wow - that's brutal. I don't envy you one bit.

There was someone who posted in the LR about her BIL being a sex offender (or something to that effect) and it caused a lot of problems for her with her husband's family. While it isn't the same situation, she might be able to provide some insight...


I wish you all the best in keeping your daughter safe and happy. The parents can hate you all they like, and if it comes to it, having the kids really upset with you (while it sucks) is still perfectly reasonable - as long as your daughter remains safe.


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Re: Found out daughter's best friend's father is a sex offender [kath21] [ In reply to ]
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You need more facts. You likely can't trust the mom. You should be able to get a copy of the court file and find out precisely what the allegations were. Without that information I don't know how you can judge what the appropriate level of contact should be.
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Re: Found out daughter's best friend's father is a sex offender [trackie clm] [ In reply to ]
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I really don't think she ever planned to tell me. I'm 99% sure she does know about it. Maybe she thinks because he goes to church that he is "healed" now. What's really scary is he is always talking about how he leads some of the ministries at the church they go to. That really creeps me out now with what I found out about him.
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Re: Found out daughter's best friend's father is a sex offender [Brick] [ In reply to ]
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I have a cop friend checking into it for me.
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Re: Found out daughter's best friend's father is a sex offender [kath21] [ In reply to ]
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Glad to hear you are looking into it more. People who molest children are very sick and should not be treated lightly. Do *not* worry about offending him or his wife. He shouldn't be treated with dignity or respect given this type of history and I would share this information with anyone else in your area who may need to know.

We had a sex offender in our triathlon club several years ago and no one wanted to say anything about it but the women quietly shared the information so we would be ultra aware to keep him away from kids. I had been doing training sessions with the guy, just the two of us, prior to that and had invited him over to house parties where there were under-aged people.
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Re: Found out daughter's best friend's father is a sex offender [Brick] [ In reply to ]
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In Reply To:
You need more facts. You likely can't trust the mom. You should be able to get a copy of the court file and find out precisely what the allegations were. Without that information I don't know how you can judge what the appropriate level of contact should be.
The website listing should give the name of the offense that he was convicted for. I don't know how much more than that you can find out.

John



Top notch coaching: Francois and Accelerate3 | Follow on Twitter: LifetimeAthlete |
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Re: Found out daughter's best friend's father is a sex offender [kath21] [ In reply to ]
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in something like this you have two choices: 1) keep your kids away from the situation. don't let em even close to being around him. ever. 2) risk what might happan. with option 1 the worst you get is your daughter mad at you. with option 2 you get your whole life changed forever. you can never undo what could happen. in the blink of an eye life will forever be changed for the worse.

i've got two little girls. i would rather have them not talk to me for months over this one than to have to deal with option 2. it's just not worth it. friends come and go, but damage like that will be around for 90 years. you should think about this one becuase if something were to happen you will never forgive yourself.

good luck.
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Re: Found out daughter's best friend's father is a sex offender [sufferman] [ In reply to ]
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I'm not even considering letting her be around him. That's a very easy decision for me. I thought I made that clear in my posts above. The difficult part is how to tell that to my daughter and deal with the confusion and hurt that will result. That is what I'm trying to figure out.
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Re: Found out daughter's best friend's father is a sex offender [kath21] [ In reply to ]
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"What's really scary is he is always talking about how he leads some of the ministries at the church they go to."

Consider all those catholic priests that have been charged in recent years with sexual abuse that the Vatican was in denial about. The "church" (all denominations) has a long history of this.
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Re: Found out daughter's best friend's father is a sex offender [kath21] [ In reply to ]
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I would suggest getting some advice from someone who is trained to counsel children - a school guidance counselor is a good first step.



Nor do I use punctuation in the way a child sprinkles glitter over a ribbon of glue on construction paper - Trash Talk
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Re: Found out daughter's best friend's father is a sex offender [kath21] [ In reply to ]
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Wow, what a weird situation to be in. How in the hell can anyone do something like this to a 12 year old? Have you met this guy before? Has your husband (assuming you are married)?
If this was a situation that my wife and I were dealing with, I guarantee that this pervert would be SCARED TO DEATH of me. He would probably be the one to suggest that my daughter not hang out with them anymore.
I assume that your daughter and this friend have other friends. Do the other parents know about this?? At least you are aware, but I would think that you have an obligation to let other's know.
I would be very interested to hear what your cop friend finds out.
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Re: Found out daughter's best friend's father is a sex offender [timboricki] [ In reply to ]
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We hardly know these people but we have talked to them a few times. I don't really know any of their friends either but if I know someone that's sending their kid over there I will direct them to the website where I found out. It's very tempting to send my husband over to threaten this guy but we're keeping our cool for our daughter's sake. She is in the same class as my daughter and this girl is her best friend. Once I find out some more info, hopefully this week, then I plan on calling the mother to tell her I know and that I won't allow my daughter over there anymore. She hasn't been over there since I found out but I haven't confronted the mother yet.
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Re: Found out daughter's best friend's father is a sex offender [Devlin] [ In reply to ]
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The website listing should give the name of the offense that he was convicted for. I don't know how much more than that you can find out.

You should be able to get a copy of the charging documents, plea deal (if any), motions, etc. The problem with just going by the charge is that prosecutors will sometimes force facts into charges for various reasons. I am not saying this guy is a good guy or wrongly accused, but the allegations may be surprisingly mild given the charge.
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Re: Found out daughter's best friend's father is a sex offender [Brick] [ In reply to ]
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Unfortunately, the other problem with going by the charge is that it could be the exact opposite...the guy may have pled to a lesser charge. You might try calling your local probation/parole office. If the guy is still on paper chances are that he has rules against being around children and he's breaking them big time. His PO would be VERY interested in knowing that, I bet.
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