MY MODEST PROPOSAL: THE U.S.A.R.
By C. B. Shapiro
I feel bad for the Red States.
Yes, they won the White House, Congress, the Supreme Court and most of the
state houses. But they still can't have the country they really want
because the last few Blue States won't roll over. So I am making a simple
proposal:
Secession. Divorce. Splitsville.
Personally, I think we made a huge mistake not letting them go when we had
the chance back in 1862. Well, no time like the present to correct an old
mistake.
Then, they would finally be free to have the kind of society they've
always wanted; church and state can be fused so they build the kind of
theocracy they've dreamt of, with Jesus at the helm. Then the new USAR
(United States of America Red) can ban books, repeal civil rights, persecute
gays and have all the wars they like. They want prayer in schools? More
power to them. They can ban abortion and post the Ten Commandments in every
federal building in their country. Bring back slavery, if they want. We'll
be free to live with our like-minded countrymen who believe in science,
modernism, tolerance, religion as a personal choice, and truly want limited
government intrusion in our personal lives. Why should each side be driven
mad by the other any more, decade after decade?
Call the Culture War a tie and everyone go home.
Of course, we in the U.S.A.B. get the Gross Domestic Product, businesses
and universities of California, New York, Massachussetts -- basically the
whole Northeast and Northwest (plus Illinois and Michigan if they want to
come along). They get Wal-Mart and Duke and most of the Nascar tracks. But
they can feel free to import movies, TV shows, financial services, and
defense technology. We'll import country music, bibles and Confederate
flags.
The two countries will by necessity have open immigration policy: anyone
who feels they are living in the wrong country can just move across the
border, no questions asked.
Ultimately, why should I have to convince my fellow countrymen that Darwin
may have had a point and that the word "liberal" is not equivalent to
"godless communist?" And why should they be forced to live in a country
with morally corrupt non-believers? I'll stay in the messy, free-thinking
U.S.A.B. And to the U.S.A.R. I say.
God bless you all, and see you at the U.N
By C. B. Shapiro
I feel bad for the Red States.
Yes, they won the White House, Congress, the Supreme Court and most of the
state houses. But they still can't have the country they really want
because the last few Blue States won't roll over. So I am making a simple
proposal:
Secession. Divorce. Splitsville.
Personally, I think we made a huge mistake not letting them go when we had
the chance back in 1862. Well, no time like the present to correct an old
mistake.
Then, they would finally be free to have the kind of society they've
always wanted; church and state can be fused so they build the kind of
theocracy they've dreamt of, with Jesus at the helm. Then the new USAR
(United States of America Red) can ban books, repeal civil rights, persecute
gays and have all the wars they like. They want prayer in schools? More
power to them. They can ban abortion and post the Ten Commandments in every
federal building in their country. Bring back slavery, if they want. We'll
be free to live with our like-minded countrymen who believe in science,
modernism, tolerance, religion as a personal choice, and truly want limited
government intrusion in our personal lives. Why should each side be driven
mad by the other any more, decade after decade?
Call the Culture War a tie and everyone go home.
Of course, we in the U.S.A.B. get the Gross Domestic Product, businesses
and universities of California, New York, Massachussetts -- basically the
whole Northeast and Northwest (plus Illinois and Michigan if they want to
come along). They get Wal-Mart and Duke and most of the Nascar tracks. But
they can feel free to import movies, TV shows, financial services, and
defense technology. We'll import country music, bibles and Confederate
flags.
The two countries will by necessity have open immigration policy: anyone
who feels they are living in the wrong country can just move across the
border, no questions asked.
Ultimately, why should I have to convince my fellow countrymen that Darwin
may have had a point and that the word "liberal" is not equivalent to
"godless communist?" And why should they be forced to live in a country
with morally corrupt non-believers? I'll stay in the messy, free-thinking
U.S.A.B. And to the U.S.A.R. I say.
God bless you all, and see you at the U.N