Lesson Learned: Americans are Dumb
One of the most important lessons learned from our loss this election is that we failed to connect with the retarded dittohead masses. I've thought about it long and hard, and have come to the conclusion that we progressives were simply too nice. Out of compassion for those inferior to them, liberal statesmen like Al Franken and Michael Moore held back and didn't sneer nearly enough at the American people as they should have, and we all paid for it on election day. 59 million jingoist biblethumping rednecks repaid our kindness by choosing a chimp who talks to an invisible diety over a war hero with four Purple Hearts.
Well, no more Mr. Nice Liberal. If our seething, drooling hatred for Bush, God, and America isn't enough to win these brainless sheep over to our pasture, then it's time to stop pulling punches. Progressive pundits are already on the ball and are diligently making up for lost sneering. However, it will take more than self-righteous screeching from the mountaintop to regain our rightful place as rulers over the brainwashed hordes. If we're ever going to win another election, if we're ever to earn forgiveness from France for our arrogance, we need to get out there in the red states where all the intolerant morons live and ridicule their silly religious beliefs. We need to really hammer it into their thick, prehistoric skulls that they're just too damn superstitious and stupid to be trusted with the future of this country.
Therefore, I suggest that we get a few really good days of self-pity and hopeless whining in, and then get back to work reminding the uneducated trogs how inferior they are. It's time to really get into their faces and shove it down their slack-jawed gullets that if they ever want to work again, ever want to eat again, ever want to walk again, ever want to see their sons and daughters alive again, they better damn well vote Democrat!
So today, I compiled a list of ten people I know who voted Republican and gave them each a call, in which I basically laid out the real heart of the progressive philosophy in simple terms they could understand.
"RACIST BIGOT GAY-BASHING FASCIST MORON!" I screamed into the phone after dialing my first number. "BIGOT FASCIST RIGHT-WING IDIOT HATEMONGER!!!!"
"Why are you screaming at me?" Grandma asked. "This state went to Kerry anyway."
"NO THANKS TO YOU, YOU INTOLERANT EVANGELICAL NAZI WHORE!" I shouted.
"Jeezus!" Grandma gasped.
"STOP FORCING YOUR RELIGION ON ME YOU NAZI BIGOT MORON!" I demanded, and hung up the phone. Jesus indeed!
The next eight calls were less cordial, and I received some very un-christianlike remarks from my targets before they rudely hung up. My, my, my! The hateful bile that comes out of the mouths of these "compassionate conservative" hypocrites!
Call number ten was out of town, but I left a convincing message on his machine. Tonight, I'm going over to spray paint "NAZI LIVES HERE" on his garage door. If that doesn't win his heart over to our side, nothing will.
Logic dictates that if four years of baseless accusations and ad hominem attacks won us 48% of the popular vote, then being twice as nasty will win us 96%. And if each of my readers were able to convince just one right-winger on their list to convert to our cause, it would mean 15 new votes for the democrats in 2006.
So go get 'em, take no prisoners, and feed those right-wing Christians to the liberal lions!
K
One of the most important lessons learned from our loss this election is that we failed to connect with the retarded dittohead masses. I've thought about it long and hard, and have come to the conclusion that we progressives were simply too nice. Out of compassion for those inferior to them, liberal statesmen like Al Franken and Michael Moore held back and didn't sneer nearly enough at the American people as they should have, and we all paid for it on election day. 59 million jingoist biblethumping rednecks repaid our kindness by choosing a chimp who talks to an invisible diety over a war hero with four Purple Hearts.
Well, no more Mr. Nice Liberal. If our seething, drooling hatred for Bush, God, and America isn't enough to win these brainless sheep over to our pasture, then it's time to stop pulling punches. Progressive pundits are already on the ball and are diligently making up for lost sneering. However, it will take more than self-righteous screeching from the mountaintop to regain our rightful place as rulers over the brainwashed hordes. If we're ever going to win another election, if we're ever to earn forgiveness from France for our arrogance, we need to get out there in the red states where all the intolerant morons live and ridicule their silly religious beliefs. We need to really hammer it into their thick, prehistoric skulls that they're just too damn superstitious and stupid to be trusted with the future of this country.
Therefore, I suggest that we get a few really good days of self-pity and hopeless whining in, and then get back to work reminding the uneducated trogs how inferior they are. It's time to really get into their faces and shove it down their slack-jawed gullets that if they ever want to work again, ever want to eat again, ever want to walk again, ever want to see their sons and daughters alive again, they better damn well vote Democrat!
So today, I compiled a list of ten people I know who voted Republican and gave them each a call, in which I basically laid out the real heart of the progressive philosophy in simple terms they could understand.
"RACIST BIGOT GAY-BASHING FASCIST MORON!" I screamed into the phone after dialing my first number. "BIGOT FASCIST RIGHT-WING IDIOT HATEMONGER!!!!"
"Why are you screaming at me?" Grandma asked. "This state went to Kerry anyway."
"NO THANKS TO YOU, YOU INTOLERANT EVANGELICAL NAZI WHORE!" I shouted.
"Jeezus!" Grandma gasped.
"STOP FORCING YOUR RELIGION ON ME YOU NAZI BIGOT MORON!" I demanded, and hung up the phone. Jesus indeed!
The next eight calls were less cordial, and I received some very un-christianlike remarks from my targets before they rudely hung up. My, my, my! The hateful bile that comes out of the mouths of these "compassionate conservative" hypocrites!
Call number ten was out of town, but I left a convincing message on his machine. Tonight, I'm going over to spray paint "NAZI LIVES HERE" on his garage door. If that doesn't win his heart over to our side, nothing will.
Logic dictates that if four years of baseless accusations and ad hominem attacks won us 48% of the popular vote, then being twice as nasty will win us 96%. And if each of my readers were able to convince just one right-winger on their list to convert to our cause, it would mean 15 new votes for the democrats in 2006.
So go get 'em, take no prisoners, and feed those right-wing Christians to the liberal lions!
K