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Need help from the woman - PLEASE!!!!
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Ok so here is my dillema. My wife is complaining that she feels over weight. I personally think she looks amazing and I love her more than I can really express in words, but in general she's Da BOMB. Two years ago she had our first child and while nursing she lost all of her pregnancy weight but since she stopped nursing about 3 months ago she has put some back on. She is far from obese or fat but shes complaining about being jiggly, clothes fitting tight and what not. SO I keep trying to get her to workout with me but there is road block after road block that she puts up and I just dont know what else to do. Here is a rundown of what I have tried and what she will or wont do.

Running - wont do it
She ran XC and track in HS and did some damage to her hips that we only really got fixed a couple of years ago so she is very much afraid to run for fear that it will hurt her again.

Biking - In general will nor ride a regular bike
She does not like cycling and has had it inflame the problems in her hips so again gunshy. I can get her to ride a recumbent stationary bike in the gym but more on that later.

Swimming - wont do it
Will not currently swim in a public pool b/c she does not want to be seen in public in her swimsuit. I tell her that open lane time are very slow and that when you are in a lane nobody really pays attention to you so you don't have to worry. She tells me if i want her to swim I will have to get her, her own pool. I'm currently working on that as we have an offer on a house that has a pool. However that will not be usable till next summer.

Other obstacles. She will not workout by herself. Has to have someone with her. If I come with her then that leaves the problem of who will watch our daughter. The YMCA that we are members of offers free child care for 1.5 hours per visit but she feels guilty I think about leaving our daughter to go to work and then coming home and dropping her with someone else. I have offered to anytime she wants watch our daughter so she can go to the gym but like I said she will not go alone and she has no friends that she can go with.

Walking - this is my best shot but typically after work she is tired and does not feel like it. Also if there is anything on her legs like tights or warmup pants she gets real itchy legs that cut our walks severly short.

SO I really dont know what to do. Plus put all this in context that if I try to encourage her to workout she feels like im saying she is fat and needs to lose weight when all I really want is for her to feel good about herself and to be happy.

So im at a total loss and really dont know what to suggest next or how to work around some of these issues.

I think whats also hard for me to see is that I have known my wife since she was 13 (were both 30 now) and she was very athletic all through HS until her injury and now she doesn't do anything. SO I know she has it in her but I just dont know how to get over some of these barriers.

help please!

________________________________________________

God's in his heaven, alls right with the world -Nerv
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Re: Need help from the woman - PLEASE!!!! [suparuki] [ In reply to ]
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Sounds like you're being very supportive, which is great, but exercising is clearly something only she can decide to do. You are trying to provide opportunities, and she is providing excuses. (Apologies if that sounds harsh.) Sometimes women have to really process something before they're ready for a solution. Maybe she's still processing. Once she reaches her trigger point, she'll act.

Things that might help:
1. Signing up for classes that you pay extra for. Example: I pay for spin sessions, and because they cost extra, I'm much less likely to skip out.
2. Maybe partnering with someone who is not her spouse/friend would be a kick in the pants. Sessions with a personal trainer might be good. Someone is keeping her accountable, plus it gives her her own "thing" verses tagging along on someone else's workout.
3. Maybe a mom's workout group so she doesn't feel guilty taking time away from your daughter? I'm kidless, but most of my mom friends take time to exercise and they believe that personal time actually makes them a better parent.
4. Maybe ask if there's something more than the weight bothering her? Men try to find solutions to problems and sometimes women just want to commiserate. You're offering up all sorts of solutions and she's just not biting. So I wonder if maybe there aren't other "new mom" issues going on. Just a thought...

Best of luck. I hope she feels better soon!
Jen
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Re: Need help from the woman - PLEASE!!!! [jen jen] [ In reply to ]
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Jen seems to be onto something with #4...

OK after reviewing all of the ideas that got rejected, one thing you did not mention is riding a tandem bike. Can you rent one someplace and see how it goes?

I wonder if she is intimidated to do endurance sports since she feels like she'd have to make a major ' comeback' to be the way she was, or to be in your ballpark (incidentally the tandem could solve this b/c you work out together) (but it doens't solve what to do withthe baby while you both ride..sorry)

One 'sport" you have not mentioned is dance. Personally I'd rather swim Alcatraz sans wetsuit, but I think many women really love dance and are good at it. But that is another one that could be done in a group or in a mom+kid group. In my area , one of the top "new mom" attractions is this program called "Baby Loves Disco'...never did it, but it seems to have had a meteoric rise. In any case, you can bring the baby to that one.

Oh, did you mention home videos of kickboxing and that sort of thing? Men tend to be a bit foreign to those sorts of things, perhaps if you did it together, that would provide a few laughs and break the ice over exercise.

hth
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Re: Need help from the woman - PLEASE!!!! [suparuki] [ In reply to ]
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Some good advice here already and kudos to you for being a great husband. I've been where your wife is and in all honesty until she's really ready to do it for herself there isn't a lot you can do to help her. That being said, I think Jen's advice about classes is a good one - solves the working out by herself/not leaving kid with strangers. The right class will allow her to meet other potential workout partners and give her the motivation to keep at it. Pilates/Yoga might be a good way to start if she's nervous about re-inflaming her hip injury.

In all honesty, the very best thing you can do for your wife is stop trying to fix the problem and talk to her honestly about your feelings on the situation - that you think she looks great, that you want her to be happy and tell her that you want to help/support her then listen to what she says. I've been married for a while and I know the conundrums I frequently place my husband in "I need you to make me do X" and then when he tries "Stop nagging me!" so I know that this advice is sending you down a road of similar peril. But at the end of the day, I know my husband thinks I look great at any size and that's a huge thing for me. The only way I finally got into shape was finding a friend to go to the gym with. I hope that your wife is able to find something to similarly motivate her.

Good luck!

Michelle

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The beatings will continue until morale improves
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Re: Need help from the woman - PLEASE!!!! [WeRide] [ In reply to ]
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Good suggestions there. Unfortunately the tandem idea may be out due to the OP spouse's hip problem.

Dance, home workout dvd, and wii fit are all possible options.

Baby loves disco sounds great. Can testify that that kids love music. Mum has a photo of me in the baby bouncer with ear phones in, bopping along in time to some sixties rock n roll. That might explain my musical tastes now :-)



"Here's how you run a marathon. Step 1: You start running. Step 2: There is no step 2." - Barney (How I Met Your Mother)
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Re: Need help from the woman - PLEASE!!!! [WeRide] [ In reply to ]
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I checked into the baby loves disco and there is nothing like that around. My Y does have zumba which I have never been to but I thought it was kinda dance related.

I think a tandem would be out of the question b/c of the hip issues.

also I really do want to be clear that im not trying to "fix" my wife or her problems. I have my own issues with body image and eating that go way deeper than hers so I am the last person on the world who thinks they can fix anyone in that area. However I love my wife tremendously and I do not like her being unhappy. Last night we were getting ready for bed and she said

"ungh im so fat"

I replied with " I can totally sympathize" (im struggling at the moment too!)

and she replied "well what are we gonna do about it"

SO thats why I wrote today. Im a bit frustrated and not sure what to do. She seems so think that diet is the only key to toning up and losing weight but I keep saying that she needs to be excersicing on top of that.

Personal trainer. she has mentioned this in the past but only if a person came to the house and that my friends is some money that I dont think we need to be spending. Im supportive and all but we have a gym membership, we have bikes, im getting a pool...... I do not think that is the answer. But who am I kidding maybe it is.

Whats the going rate for a personal trainer in home these days?

________________________________________________

God's in his heaven, alls right with the world -Nerv
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Re: Need help from the woman - PLEASE!!!! [suparuki] [ In reply to ]
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I don't have any new advice to give because you've gotten great ideas so far. I just want to say you are a wonderful husband for trying to help her and coming to The Womens for advice. Some husbands would just give up in frustration. Kudos to you!

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Jen

"In order to keep a true perspective on one's importance, everyone should have a dog that worships him and a cat that will ignore him." - Dereke Bruce
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Re: Need help from the woman - PLEASE!!!! [suparuki] [ In reply to ]
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Instead of focusing on triathlon elements to get your wife interested in starting up...why not suggest yoga or pilates or something along those lines. I recognize that it might not be intense and/or as fat burning as some of the other options but your wife might enjoy easing back into a regular exercise program.
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Re: Need help from the woman - PLEASE!!!! [jenhs] [ In reply to ]
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In Reply To:
I don't have any new advice to give because you've gotten great ideas so far. I just want to say you are a wonderful husband for trying to help her and coming to The Womens for advice. Some husbands would just give up in frustration. Kudos to you!
QFT





Come crawling faster
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Re: Need help from the woman - PLEASE!!!! [suparuki] [ In reply to ]
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I was in a similar situation after having my DD. I wanted to regain my body and my self esteem. I was feeling like crap all thru Year 1 (mild depression), and my self esteem took a real beating. I was fat and jiggly and slow slow slow. As a mother of a 0-1 YO, I completely disappeared as a person. No one wanted to talk to me, they al wanted to see the baby. I was invisible in any room that K was in. I too felt guilty for leaving her to exercise. Eventually, once I started back at work and remembered that I had value as a person, that I wasn't just defined as "K's mom", I remembered some of the things that I loved to do, that made me feel better, helped me cope with stress, etc., and tri/exercise/racing was a big part of it. So, when she was 1yo I signed up for IMWA. It was a huge committment but it was one that I needed - I had to find me again. Under all that baby fat ;-) And it turned I was still there after all...

Good luck. You're going to need it. Because there may be nothing you can do to help.

AP

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"How bad could it be?" - SimpleS
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Re: Need help from the woman - PLEASE!!!! [suparuki] [ In reply to ]
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Been there. It really sucks when your clothes are just a little too tight to be comfortable, there is no way you want anyone to see you in a swimsuit, and you just feel fat. I had my husband get me an elliptical machine. It's a different motion, but she might enjoy it. Also find out the times when nobody is at the pool. My pool is empty after 8:00 pm, so that is when I go. Other ideas- belly dancing- it can burn up to 600 calories per hour, is a lot of fun and has other benefits:) Rowing machines- good workout. Check your Y for new mother classes they usually have some morning bootcamps, walking groups, water aerobics, or other classes for new mother's to get together and workout together. Take her up to a video store and let her pick out some workout videos she may be interested in doing at home. Great job supporting her!
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Re: Need help from the woman - PLEASE!!!! [suparuki] [ In reply to ]
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When my kids were babies and toddlers, I used to work out at home - I also felt guilty leaving them to go workout....

tapes/dvds at home solve the issues of:

1. being seen
2. leaving child
3. not wanting to go to gym alone


collagevideo.com has a zillion different things and you can preview to see if you find the instructor annoying....

---

cat
Sponsored by Suntheanine, Lycored and Celadrin
http://www.lycored.com/web/content/library.asp http://suntheanine.com/Research.cfm http://celadrin.com/pages/studies.php
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Re: Need help from the woman - PLEASE!!!! [suparuki] [ In reply to ]
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I have a colleague at work just like this. I had a fitness/food low period about a year ago and we both started talking about taking steps to work off the excess. Neither of us were "fat"; we just wanted to slim up a bit. I still have my good weeks and bad weeks with food and workouts, but all in all, I'm making pretty good progress to my goals. She on the other hand is still complaining but hasn't changed her eating or fitness habits one iota. There's only so much of that I can listen to. At some point, a person has to decide: I'm going to love myself the way that I am (which is fine) or I am going to take action to change the way that I am (which is also fine). Wanting to change but doing nothing about it is pie in the sky magical thinking, a complete waste of time, and annoying. Your wife is making excuses. If it helps, she can try thinking about the kind of example she's going to be setting for her daughter in terms of independence and self-reliance if she can't even manage to make it to the gym by herself. And how is she supposed to tell her daughter that what others think doesn't matter when she won't even put a bathing suit on to go for a swim in public? The vast, vast majority of us who have had children will never, ever get our pre-pregnancy bodies back. Very few of us -- with children or without -- look anywhere close to perfect in a bathing suit. So what? Believe it or not, most people could care less what others look like.

You're a champ for hanging in there and have more patience and sensitivity than I could ever dream of having. But it seems like you've done everything possible in the "support" department. It's time for her to step up and take responsibility for her own body and health.
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Re: Need help from the woman - PLEASE!!!! [suparuki] [ In reply to ]
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My Wife had the same issues after our son was born, what really helped for her was, working out at lunch, I'm not sure if that is an option but, we have both found ti to be great. No time away from the little one, you get active ( even if only for 45 min, lots of classes down town here that are 45 min), and as a plus, in my book, it gets you away from the desk for an hour or so.

Ben
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Re: Need help from the woman - PLEASE!!!! [suparuki] [ In reply to ]
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You have received great advice here. A few things I'd like to highlight or add to the discussion:
  • After having children, a woman's body shape has completely changed. I now weigh less than when I first got married, but my body shape is very different. In particular, many women get a jiggly mid-section that is hard to get rid of. That may be making her feel more fat even if she's lost much of her pregnancy weight. That "mommy-pot" is just not fun.
  • Keep up telling her how beautiful she is and how much you love her every day. It may take a long, long time, but she will start believing you.
  • I agree with others that she's going to have to solve this problem for herself. She's going to have to find a way to workout that works for her. You can't solve this problem for her, no matter how much you want to. You can help her, though, by offering to be with your daughter while she has her own time to do things. That's one way for her not to feel guilty about taking time for herself - if you are spending time with your daughter.
  • One possible way to get things started is if you can take one day a week where you pick up your daughter and prep dinner, then she has that whole evening to do whatever she wants. If it's working out, then great. If it's meeting friends for drinks after work or taking a long bath, that's fine too. She needs to find a way to spend time on herself without feeling guilty.
  • Keep reminding her (not nagging, just reminding) that the time she spends on herself, taking care of her needs, will make her a better mother and wife. It's hard for many women and most of us feel guilty when we're taking time away from our family to take care of ourself, so she needs to hear from you over and over again that taking that time will make her a better mother.
  • Find ways to be active as a family. I'm not sure how old your daughter is, but try doing something at least once a week that is active as a family. Try skating, hiking, walking around the neighborhood after dinner, swimming, sledding, rock climbing, etc. It's a great way for her to be a role model for your daughter and gets you all active together. We have once a week open skating at our local arena, so we try to do that every week. My girls' school also does "Open Gym" on Friday afternoons, so we try to go to that a couple of times a month.

Good luck!!
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Re: Need help from the woman - PLEASE!!!! [suparuki] [ In reply to ]
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Hi --

Sorry, the one thing I didn't see here -- and maybe I just missed it -- is change of diet. The guys are always saying that weight loss is far more about what goes in your mouth than anything else. Why not try doing super healthy, fruit/veg/chicken/fish tastic eating together for a while (no booze, packed lunches, etc), and see if that doesn't help energy levels enough that walking or yoga or dance seems like a fun thing, instead of being so tired it can't be done? She DID say 'what are WE going to do about it' when you said you sympathised (GREAT answer, by the way!).

Any chance you can splash out on a nutritionist or even a scale and a plan? Keep in mind, I'm not saying 'go on a diet', although you certainly could, but change your diets together to be very healthy and weight loss friendly.
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Re: Need help from the woman - PLEASE!!!! [hellame] [ In reply to ]
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Well I have tried some of the suggestions here and am in many ways still nowhere. I have suggested yoga. the Y has two evening yoga classes a week. Said I would do it with her as I really want to get into a yoga class anyway. She seems open to it but we shall see.

I like the suggestion of encouraging her to take time for herself. I think I need to work on that one.

Get ready to be wowed - my wife doesnt cook. I do all the cooking and make dinner every night so I cant really let her off the hook with that one once a week.

We have been talking about a nutrionist for awhile but to be honest there are so many appointments that we are going to right now that it has just been pushed aside. I also think since neither one of us have really gone to one that we are, I guess a bit skeptical.

What should I expect from a visit to a nutrionist or dietician? How often would we have to go for it to be worthwhile?

Im also trying to get our bedroom set up to be able to work better for videos or dvd's for working out. We shall see how that works.

We were also talking about trying to find a service that would pre-make healthy meals that we could purchase and essentially freeze and re-heat for dinner. Does anyone know of anything like this? Im not even really sure where to start looking.

Thanks again everyone this thread has been really helpfull. If nothing else im getting some insight into how my wife is really feeling post baby.

Thanks again so much!

________________________________________________

God's in his heaven, alls right with the world -Nerv
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Re: Need help from the woman - PLEASE!!!! [suparuki] [ In reply to ]
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Be patient. It's going to take some time. Just offer her support and encouragement as much as possible. She'll find her way eventually. The important thing is for her to know that she has your support and that she can take time for herself without feeling guilty.

As for the food prep issue, there is a great place here in Toronto called Supperworks. Here's how it works:

- you pick items from their monthly menu that you want to purchase
- you go into their prep facility to make these items
- for each item, Supperworks has already prepped all of the ingredients at each station. You follow their recipe and put all of the ingredients into freezer bags. For example, for white chicken chili, you would put all of the ingredients into a freezer bag. The ingredients are all nicely prepped for you, so all you have to do is measure it into the bag. The chicken is cooked and diced. You then take that freezer bag home and put it in your freezer. There are cooking instructions on the bag when you are ready to use it.
- I made about 9 dinners in approximately 1 hour. It was a social thing, though, so I think it would have taken less time if I had just done it on my own.

I think Supperworks is in many big cities. If not, check to see if there's something similar in your area.
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Re: Need help from the woman - PLEASE!!!! [DawnT] [ In reply to ]
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Dawn

Thank you soooo much! I have been wanting to find something like what you suggested meal wise but just didnt have any clue where to look. You started me down the path and to my surprise there are like 4 of these places all with different menus in the Dayton area!!!! Im very excited and sent the links off to the wifesky.

________________________________________________

God's in his heaven, alls right with the world -Nerv
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