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Depressed wife, I need help please.
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This is the first time I've posted in the Womens, feels like the first time I shaved my legs. Heres my situation, My wife is unemployed and getting depresssed and feeling guilty that she cant get a job. She takes it hard if she doesnt get a job or a 2nd interview. She is very attractive, smart, has a degree and a lot of experience in managment but cant get a job yet(and great taste in men too). I want to get her something to cheer her up and help her with her confidence, which she normally has plenty of but is getting a little less every week. Anyway, any ideas what I can get her to cheer her up or help with low self image? we're fine on money, shes even getting paid for the next 3 months and we have zero unsecured debt. I was thinking just some flowers or big plant basket thing with a nice hand mirror or something(i guess so she can look at herself and know shes still awesome). Thats probly dumb cuz I'm a guy and dont have a clue but any ideas would be much appreciated and I'll go back to the other forums and argue with BK and let you guys continue talking about chick stuff.

'STICK EM UP PUNK ITS THE FUN LOVING CRIMINAL'
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Re: Depressed wife, I need help please. [thesnail] [ In reply to ]
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The bummed out wife syndrome is a hard one for us guys to handle. Just be extra nice, buy her something like you suggested and think of it as ongoing, not just a one time thing. Her self esteem is very low about not finding a job so she needs lots of attention and encouragement.
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Re: Depressed wife, I need help please. [thesnail] [ In reply to ]
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This is a tough one. It is a day to day process to help her feel good. One single gesture is nice but won't fix it. Perhaps the approach is to go over the fact that you aren't hurting financially as a couple. She may be feeling guilt because she isn't contributing her share. When my husband and I have gone back and forth with jobs we always let the unemployed one understand that contributing to the house isn't just a paycheck. Encourage her to do things she's never had time to do because she was working too much. Whatever that is. Reading books she's set aside, visiting friends for lunch, work on the house. Let her know that she has an opportunity to take a rest which I'm sure she needs, as we all do. When she doesn't get a job, don't diminish it, let her know you understand it is frustrating and let her talk through it. Typically men feel a need to fix things. This isn't something you can "fix". Let her talk in her own way and listen unless she asks for your feedback.

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Jen

"In order to keep a true perspective on one's importance, everyone should have a dog that worships him and a cat that will ignore him." - Dereke Bruce
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Re: Depressed wife, I need help please. [thesnail] [ In reply to ]
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You sound like you're a great husband to your wife and really love her. In addition to what the others have recommended, has she considered getting some interview training? Many friends of mine have and it's really helped. In addition, maybe she can volunteer like the Red Cross or other organization where she can stay active, raising her confidence and possibly make some good contacts along the way. Good luck, Adam
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Re: Depressed wife, I need help please. [thesnail] [ In reply to ]
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That's very hard. It's not just your wife that has fallen on hard times; many people have. I have a friend who has degrees and experience in multiple fields and has been in the work force for many decades. He recently lost his job and is having trouble finding another one- and he's probably the most marketable person I know. Don't know if other's experiences would help....

I really like jenhs recommendations......plus buy her some flowers.
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Re: Depressed wife, I need help please. [thesnail] [ In reply to ]
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I agree with Jen. Tell her to take this opportunity to do things she didn't have time for before. Whatever it is. And, you have to support that 100%. Tell her over and over again that you know she'll get a job eventually and that she doesn't have to worry how long she's off. She needs to enjoy this time for what it is and she needs to hear you say it over and over and over or else she'll start doubting herself again.

Also, every single day tell her:

- how beautiful she is
- how much you love her
- how smart she is
- how important she is to you

Lastly, take her out on a real date every week or two. Lots of married people no longer "date". Make a date like you did when you were single. Plan out the whole evening and just spend time together.
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Re: Depressed wife, I need help please. [thesnail] [ In reply to ]
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I agree that one single item or gesture won't help.

As someone has struggled with depression on and off for since I was a kid, here are my suggestions:

-encourage her to try new things--maybe there's something she always wanted to do and never had the time because of work
-therapy--it's good to have a neutral person to talk to
-remember to tell her often how you feel about her and how special she is
-make some extra time to spend with her

flowers are always nice to get as well as a card with a well written messege

spa days are nice too
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Re: Depressed wife, I need help please. [thesnail] [ In reply to ]
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Is there some big project around the house that she could tackle? Looking for a job won't keep her busy all the time and what would probably help would be a feeling of some kind of accomplishment.
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Re: Depressed wife, I need help please. [thesnail] [ In reply to ]
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Thanks for the tips guys, she has already tackled cleaning the basement and garage and shes been doing a lot of running and cycling(shes not a triathlete). I've been very supportive from day one and told here that we've been through a lot tougher times and we'll be fine. Her severance package included some good training classes and she has a good network system out there. Shes had therapy off an on with the same person for 15 years so I'll bring that up too, thanks again for the help.

'STICK EM UP PUNK ITS THE FUN LOVING CRIMINAL'
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Re: Depressed wife, I need help please. [thesnail] [ In reply to ]
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Similar to what some of the others have said:
- does she have any particular passion outside of work that she could pursue?
- can she lend her skills to a non-profit organisation thatinterests her for a while?
- are there any courses (upgrading management skills or even a different direction) that she would like to consider doing since you guys are well off financially (that being a relative term of course but you know what I mean)?
- maybe just make sure she gets out of the house for a walk each day, that can help stave off depression...or seeing people/animals who are far worse off and struggling can sometimes help to get things back in perspective (visit local childrens hospital, animal shelter, something along those lines, could bring out some instincts in your wife where she recognises she can help in some way though it may not be financial)...
- and try to make sure she eats well, avoids excess alcohol, high sugar foods or stimulants (high caffeine etc) - they can sometimes add to the emotional ups/downs.
- can your wife see what is happening to her? maybe she needs to just talk things through completely so you an be sure of the source of the depression then make small changes to act on it.
- if it does get too bad do get help. A friend of mine who was always a "pain is gain" type was amazed to find after months of feeling listless, fatigued, unmotivated that he was suffering clinical depression stemming back to a breakup a year earlier. he took some leave, found a passion for photography, and now works part time at his "money making" job and part time in a photography business - and is so much the happier for it!!

best wishes
good luck
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Re: Depressed wife, I need help please. [thesnail] [ In reply to ]
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I was in a similar situation last year, when I quit my job in CA and moved to the middle of nowhere in FL for my husband's job. I thought being unemployed would be great, but I ended up feeling depressed, irritable, bored, and guilty for several months. We didn't need the money, so that wasn't the issue; apparently my sense of identity and well-being is tied a lot to my career. It was a blow to my ego to be unemployed. My husband was sweet and tried to do nice things, like bring me flowers or little gifts here and there, but they did little to help. What I mainly missed was the routine of work, the sense of accomplishment that comes with doing a good job, having co-workers to interact with, and feeling productive and useful. What helped me was what others have already suggested -- volunteering a lot with several non-profit orgs (one of which led to getting a part-time job), taking some classes to explore new interests and hobbies, making a long list of things to do around the house, and just interacting with people on a daily basis so I had less time to stare at the wall and drive myself crazy.
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Re: Depressed wife, I need help please. [thesnail] [ In reply to ]
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I'm a Headhunter, but based in Vancouver. However, i do have a lot of experience in hiring and placing people, so I would be glad to help if I can (Resume, tips etc.) Feel free to PM me.

Cervelo R3 and Cannondale Synapse, Argon18 Electron Track Bike
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Re: Depressed wife, I need help please. [cervelo-van] [ In reply to ]
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Instead of getting some thing that faids quickly, why not get her a session with a life coach, or buisness coach? it's a gift that keeps giving.
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Re: Depressed wife, I need help please. [thesnail] [ In reply to ]
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Why don't you get her a package of yoga classes. Yoga is really hard to fit in when you are working and busy but she has more time right now. The yoga might also help with her tension and stress and I bet she'll end up feeling more positive about things.
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Re: Depressed wife, I need help please. [thesnail] [ In reply to ]
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When we first moved to MN, my husband had a job all lined up, and I was unemployed. It was right after 9/11, and finding a job was tough...and publishing isn't the easiest field to find a job in. I was sooooo bitter and depressed--I felt like I wasn't pulling my weight, even though, like your wife, I had money, and we were fine. I felt guilty all. the. time. I owuld get up at 5, work out, make my husband's lunch, and then clean obsessively all day or run errands or... just SOMETHING to feel like I wasn't a slacker.

Like others have said, enocurage her to try something new, or engage in hobbies she hasn't had time for. She can't spend every second of every day job hunting... she has the chance now to develop herself personallly and indulge in some things SHE'S interested in, encourage her to do so.

Also, I think your idea of getting her a mirror so she can see how great she is is cute :-)


mmm-mmm-Momo Charms
Handmade beverage charms, jewelry, and miscellanea

http://momocharms.wordpress.com
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Re: Depressed wife, I need help please. [thesnail] [ In reply to ]
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In Reply To:
I want to get her something to cheer her up and help her with her confidence
How about an 8-ball of coke?
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Re: Depressed wife, I need help please. [BeeHunter] [ In reply to ]
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Duh, thats what the mirror would be for.

'STICK EM UP PUNK ITS THE FUN LOVING CRIMINAL'
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Re: Depressed wife, I need help please. [Balanced Living] [ In reply to ]
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I did that a bunch of years ago when trying to decide what I wanted to do next. It did help a lot.I probably only needed half the sessions I actually signed up for, but it was worthwhile navelgazing - I learned a lot about myself.

AP

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"How bad could it be?" - SimpleS
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Re: Depressed wife, I need help please. [thesnail] [ In reply to ]
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After 27 years of marriage, one thing I have not mastered is to just listen when she has a problem. As men we often try to solve every problem when she is mostly just looking for someone to listen, sympathize and encourage. Sounds like you are on the right track and you have received some good suggestions here.

_________________________________
I'll be what I am
A solitary man
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Re: Depressed wife, I need help please. [thesnail] [ In reply to ]
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I have read this post a few times and kept now commenting but I am in a similar situation and think I might offer you some good advice.
I moved without a job and had sufficient savings for a few months -- so no real $$ problems. BUT, I am very stingy with my money and feel like I should be at least working part time or doing something besides going to the gym. I know, we all say "o, I would do this and that if I did not have to work" but I don't feel like that now that I am not working.
If I were your wife I would want gift cards. I know it sounds silly but I love to get a book or a cup of coffe or a favorite lunch, but I don't allow myself to do that if I am not getting paid. Everytime I go to Starbucks I feel incredibly guilty that I am spending any money. Or even if I get a favorite treat at the grocery store or want sushi for lunch. I won't even get my haircut eyebrows and nails done.
You might just take note of some of her favorite places to go or things to buy and get her some gift cards so she can do that without feeling like she is spending the savings she should be saving "just in case".
Hope this hellps
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Re: Depressed wife, I need help please. [last tri in 83] [ In reply to ]
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"she is mostly just looking for someone to listen, sympathize and encourage"

Isn't that what her girlfriends are for?:-)

Seriously, you hit the nail on the head that men always try to play "Mr. Fix-it" rather than listen.
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Re: Depressed wife, I need help please. [cerveloguy] [ In reply to ]
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True, our cell phone minutes definitly support that.

_________________________________
I'll be what I am
A solitary man
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