I've been with my husband for 10 years and have trained competitively for triathlons most of those years. We have 3 children. My husband complains at least once per month (to the point where he wants me to stop competing) about how much time I spend training. I train between 8-10 hours per week. I get up at 4:30 am to get my biggest workouts in and be back home before he leaves for work at 6:30 am. A couple times per week I go up to the pool at night after I put the youngest one to bed (around 8 pm). He complains the most when I don't have "us" time in the schedule. Which is hard to do when you work full-time, train, take care of 3 kids- swimming, tae kwon do, baseball, soccer, track and cross country, school events, clean the house and pay the bills. What has helped with us is I tell him thank you for the little things he does- dishes, cooking dinner, putting the kids to bed one night and I schedule in one night every other weekend for us. Nothing much, we just go up to the local bar for 2-3 hours, enough time for him to smoke his cigar (I don't drink) or sit outside on the patio in the summer after the kids are in bed and talk. It kills me the next morning to get up and workout, but it keeps him happy and helps keep our relationship fun. When you have some time off after a peak race, plan to do something with your husband- stay up late and watch a movie then sleep in and focus on him as much as you can. Telling him how much you appreciate him and love him goes a long way. As for the comment he made at a party- mine has made several of the same- I just blow it off with "I don't get this great figure by sitting on the couch and watching tv".

i don't think it's jealousy at all. rather, i think it's about the other partner having to shoulder responsibilities because their mate is out riding a bicycle for hours and hours on end, week after week, month after month.

Perhaps not pure jealousy, as in the unhappy spouse wishes he or she was the one out on 4 hour bike rides. And certainly this scenario is more common in marriages with young kids which goes along with your work and responsibility theme. Whatever the case, there's generally an awful lot of score-keeping going on in the background of such relationships. And I've witnessed athletes make every effort humanly possible to even out responsibilities, but still to no avail. So either spouse a and b aren't using the same scoring system, or there are deeper emotional issues at play.

Whatever the mechanism, the unsupportive spouse likely has feelings of resentment and lonlieness. Potentially even some self image issues relative to their physically fit or competitive/successful mate. And the training spouse may be so focused on goals that they put all emotions to the side and do their best to ignore signs of an unhealthy relationship.

And rather than enduring the pain of confronting and talking about feelings and the relationship, we tend fall back to the old tit-for-tat covenant of works, and tell ourselves and others that our spouse just isn't doing enough of the work, or they're never at home, or they're impossible to please....."I'm doing this and this and this for you, and this is what I get in return?!?"

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Coach at KonaCoach Multisport

Wow -4:30? That's dedication. 5:15am is my limit on early mornings! Anything before that, to me, is the middle of the night. But you have to do what you need to, to fit it in. Your situations sounds very similar to mine.

On a positive note, since i posted this, I had a little talk with my husband and things are looking good. I think he understands where I'm coming from; he used to race tri's before we got married. Suprisingly, he wants to come to my race this weekend (the only race I have for June) and seems excited about it. It starts about 5 minutes from an amusement park, and it will be fun for my kids to spend the day there.

ok, i don't disagree with that. but let's face it, for spouses or partners of serious triathletes, it is hard. like i said, something's got to give and "having it all" can lead to alot of pressures. those pressures impact something, more often than not, it's the home life/family.

Telling him how much you appreciate him and love him goes a long way.

You, my friend, have discovered the key to a man's heart.