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Is my wife cheating on me?
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OK,
This really sucks,I need a little perspective from the womens point of view. A few months back my wife of 7 years mentioned that she had heard from an old college boyfreind and that he had persued her during college, they had dated once or twice and the timing just didnt work out. Anyway the guy was trying to get back into running, and my wife(awesome runnner) had encouraged him to pick up running and had been givng the guy,"advice" recently. My wife has NEVER done anything that would make me assume anything wrong with this, and I forgot about it. Well over the last few days I notice her laughing,texting back and forth,hiding her telephone at night, acting a bit suspicious. Again, nothing really triggers. Then ,two days ago I jump on her PC cause my mom is in town and using mine. Her email is open and I finnd over 100 emails with this guy,mostly platonic conversations, but also personal questions like -Where is the wildest place youve ever had sex-
they are talking about how much they enjoy each others conversation, they make each other laugh.etc In the last email he sets up a new(secret) email address for her,but I figured it out and logged on. Again personal conversations, they swapped gifts, and talk about getting together.Mind you this is all over the internet,and texting. I got the phone bill today,hours upon hours of phone conversations between the two.
Worst part of all of this, we have two kids.
What do I do?
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Re: Is my wife cheating on me? [bummed] [ In reply to ]
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I'm hesitant to give my opinion here because this is really serious but I've had a crush a couple times and I might be able to give you some advice. Nothing happened and it didn't progress as far as secret accounts but I did exchange holiday gifts. I came to my senses and realized it wasn't worth losing my marriage over.

I'd talk to her. Tell her what you are seeing, why it concerns you and ask her to stop seeing him. Tell her you are worried that your marriage is on the line and let her know that she needs to make a decision about what is important to her. Then, leave it there. Try not to yell or accuse, just inform and let her know you take this seriously and that you love her very much.

Hopefully this will be a wake-up call for you both. After the initial conversation I'd work on what need he fulfilled and find out if that is something that needs work in your marriage.

I'm really sorry you are going through this. I can't imagine how I'd feel if my husband was doing this same thing and I feel horrible about my own crushes. Ultimately I always chose him, though, because I love him and our life together is the more important than any fling could ever be.

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Jen

"In order to keep a true perspective on one's importance, everyone should have a dog that worships him and a cat that will ignore him." - Dereke Bruce
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Re: Is my wife cheating on me? [bummed] [ In reply to ]
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Is she "cheating" per se? Hmm, who knows - but it does sound like there's some emotional involvement and a lot of flirtation going on that 's inappropriate for someone who's married, especially since it doesn't sound like she's being open with you about it. And certainly it sounds like there's a lot going on there that's taking away time/energy from your marriage and family life. And it sounds like it's veering into even more dangerous territory, with the secret email address and the personal questions.

As to what's going on, it's easy to generalize and say that this is going to turn into a sexual affair - but not knowing your wife, that's hard to say. Maybe she like the attention from him and doesn't see it going further. Maybe she's hiding things from you because she thinks you wouldn't approve of her being friends with an ex. The only reason I bring this up is because some people are very adamant in thinking that people can't be friends with their exes, and I happen to still be friends with an ex who I was once positive I'd marry. But now we're just friends - so it is possible.

But whatever the case may be, whatever she's thinking, her behavior just isn't appropriate for someone who's married. All that personal stuff should be between the two of you, not her and him. So I'd think you need to talk to her to find out what's going on, maybe look into couples counseling? Good luck......

--------------------

http://thethighmasterroutetokona.blogspot.com
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Re: Is my wife cheating on me? [bummed] [ In reply to ]
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My opinion:

If she's not, she will.

To me what you say she's doing amounts to cheating. She's not telling you and there's a reason. I've broken up with guys who have done things like that. Each time (3) they've started dating the woman w/in 2 months of me breaking up with him. If I had been married I probably would have fought for the relationship, but I was just dating and didn't see the point. In each case the woman was so different from me I figured if he was interested in her, I didn't really know him.
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Re: Is my wife cheating on me? [bummed] [ In reply to ]
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Agree with the others. Cheating? What's your definition? I've heard some say it's when it crosses the bedroom door.

To me, anything that takes emotional investment away from the marriage is cheating. 100s of emails? Hours of phones calls? You need to confront her sooner rather than later. She'll of course get defensive and say that "nothing's going on" "We're just friends" But I betcha if she offered to have sex with the guy he'd jump in a heartbeat. THAT is not "just" a friendship.
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Re: Is my wife cheating on me? [bummed] [ In reply to ]
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My husband (also an awesome runner) and I have just gone through something very similar although not quite as serious. During the winter he was training for a half marathon and ran with a group on Thurs and Saturdays. I run, but nowhere near as fast and prefer to run alone so I wasn't part of this group run but most of the people who run are triathletes and mutual friends of both of us. However, there was one woman runner who is not a triathlete, strictly a runner and also very fast. One of the very few women who can keep pace and even out run my husband.

Apparently an email 'friendship' had been established between the two of them. He never mentioned her to me at all and did not tell me they were emailing. I happened upon a deleted email when looking for a document in his trash bin. Although there was no addressee I could tell somehow from the tone of the email that he was emailing a woman. (Woman's intuition I guess because it was a pretty benign email). I asked him about it and he tried to tell me it was to a guy at work that he runs with. I knew, I just knew that was not the truth but he stuck to it and we had a huge fight. He told me I was crazy, etc. Finally he admitted to me who the email was to and told me they had been emailing back and forth for about a month strictly about running. I have no verification of this since he deleted all the emails during our fight.

I did not believe him when he insisted it was just a running 'friendship' and that he hid it from me because he felt I would not understand or approve. I could not let it go because I felt strongly he was not being 100% honest with me. The other night he admitted to me that he had had sort of a 'crush' on her because he had seen her at various local races since before we were even dating and she was very fast. He says he would never have let it progress further than it did, that our marriage meant more to him than that, etc, etc. He says it was a mild flirtation and not even that really. Still, it hurt to know that he would be deceptive. As far as I knew things were fine and we are happy. We never fight, we both enjoy triathlon and since we are older and this is a third marriage for both of us, we do not have to deal with the issue of small children.

There were some areas of our marriage that we had both gotten lazy about, him more so than me. We both realize that and have agreed that we need to make more effort in certain areas.

I love him and we both feel our relationship is a blessing for us. But you know I still have a bit of resentment and hurt in my heart. Maybe that's related to ego or something I don't know. I have never had a 'crush' on anyone since knowing him. I don't really allow myself to think like that and it hurt my feelings to think that he did. But then again, I realize in my head that such a thing is pretty normal and can be pretty innocent.

As I told him, I can understand admiring someone else, and even having a 'crush' on someone else. However I think it should be out in the open. A relationship should be strong and mature enough to encompass that aspect of human existence without being threatened by it. The thing that would make such a thing a threat to a relationship in my opinion is if it is carried on in secret. I think the illicitness of that adds somehow to the thrill of it.

Also, I told him he should have introduced this woman and me. He agreed that doing so would have insured that the relationship stays in the realm of friendship.

I think that you obviously need to confront your wife about this. If you can do that without fighting you are a better 'man' than I am. But in any event, after you work through the initial emotions involved, you both need to decide if there are areas of your marriage where maybe you have become somewhat complacent.

My husband and I are seeing a counselor also, and are learning about communicating. We don't always do that well, especially when we're fighting. The counselor told him that a 'perceived affair' can be every bit as hard on a marriage as a real affair. I agree, it is a matter of trust and to me, that trust has been violated.

Another thing I would do would be to introduce yourself to this guy and let him know in a subtle or open way, whichever you feel is appropriate, that you are her husband and is crossing some boundaries. That is what I would do. Even in my situation I did email this woman. Ostensibly it was to ask about coaching, but I am quite sure she read between the lines and knew that I was saying something along the lines of 'hey, I'm out here'. She is married as well and has not emailed my husband since. It may be that it was all perfectly innocent. I will say that if they had been exchanging gifts and sharing hours of conversation, I would have been furious and hurt. I'm quite sure I would have picked up the phone and called her demanding an explanation as well as confronting my husband over it.

This guy knows you two are married. He is equally culpable.

This type of thing can make you feel like you don't even know this person. After things cool off, you might find yourself wondering if you yourself even want this marriage.



Nor do I use punctuation in the way a child sprinkles glitter over a ribbon of glue on construction paper - Trash Talk
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Re: Is my wife cheating on me? [bummed] [ In reply to ]
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Thats how it began when I started having an affair with the women that I eventually married after she got a divorce from him.

you need to take the others advice on this and confront this now if you want to save your marriage. The seven year itch is real.
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Re: Is my wife cheating on me? [No Bull] [ In reply to ]
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Sorry I'm not a female. But that's how it all started with my now ex-wife. I was too trusting and didn't say anything until it was to late. Talk to her and find out whats going on before it goes any further.
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Re: Is my wife cheating on me? [bummed] [ In reply to ]
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The type and amount of contact they are having is called emotional cheating. Rarely do married women just hit the sack with someone. It starts like this and it's a long, drawn out, intimate process of emotional seduction. If you confront her she may get very angry and feel you were spying on her. I would suggest (for what free advice is worth) you attempt to get her to marital counseling. You owe it to your children to make every effort to heal the relationship and be close to her again. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. It is so hard. Good luck.
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Re: Is my wife cheating on me? [bummed] [ In reply to ]
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I agree with diva confrontation can cause an unpleasant situation to get worse. Talk, in general terms about what is going on, she might not have realized how far things have gone. Sometimes things can "just get out of hand" you might want to keep in mind............."if you can not handle the answer becareful how you ask the question" I have only been married for 27 years and am still a rookie at understanding women, relationships are a lot of give and take this might be one of those times??
Good Luck, give your kids a hug and no matter what happens make them aware how much you love them.
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Re: Is my wife cheating on me? [bummed] [ In reply to ]
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Dude,

I'm not a girl, so not sure if you want to hear from me...but...she already is cheating. For the sake of your kids do something now. She's seeking out (at a mininum) an emotional need that presumably isn't being fulfilled at home. As some of the chicks here have said, it'll be a while before she'll allow herself to bang him...but it will happen, and let's face it, she's already thought of it a million times already. If you think the marriage is toast, use your position to exact as much leverage over the kids as possible. Start documenting her deficiencies as a mother. Does she drink or do drugs around them? Emotional abuse? Do what you can to establish a stronger relationship with the kid's school and teachers. Be the one that teacher's think is on top of the ball for the kids. Call up mutual friends and start influencing them that she's a bad mother, so you'll have witnesses. Keep a log, then smack her with divorce papers once you have a decent history on her.

Or you can just try counseling.
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Re: Is my wife cheating on me? [bummed] [ In reply to ]
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Hi bummed,

I'm so sorry that you're going through this situation. I agree with the other posters that you need to talk with your wife. Either with a counselor or one on one, you need to tell her how this makes you feel. I don't know anything about your wife, so this may or may not apply to her, but allow me to give you some possible perspectives from her side of the fence.

I've been married for 11 years and with my husband for 13 years total. Over the course of my life, I've always had really close male friends only one of which I also dated. This particular ex-boyfriend was one of my best friends and things ended in an ugly abrupt way that had really bothered me. The last contact I'd had with him was about a year prior to meeting/dating my now-hubby. A few years later, about a year after we were married, I decided to look up the old boyfriend to get some closure and find out wtf happened. I told my hubby about it and asked if he would be okay with it. I explained that I was seeking closure on this matter and nothing else, but would certainly not pursue it if he had a problem with it. (My hubby is one of the most secure people I know, unlike myself who is prone to jealousy... ) He gave me the go ahead, and I managed to find the ex's e-mail and got in touch.

The initial e-mail sparked a phone conversation. At first, it was a very direct "get what you came for" sort of call, but then it melded into remembering what close friends we were and how much I missed talking to someone from that era of my life and this man in particular. He was my first real, powerful love, so it was definitely a slippery slope I was starting. Before long there were more e-mails. Finally, my husband told me that it was bothering him "a little" (which for him means "a lot") so I cut it off and haven't had any kind of contact with that person since.

Over the course of our relationship, I've had really close friendships with other guys, but nothing that had the emotional draw of that first exchange. Perhaps because of the ex's romantic history or perhaps because I put up the initial "I'm married" boundaries from the get-go. There have been guys that I've been friends with that had I not been married might have been some romantic potential, and I'll usually even tell my husband about this.

I think the big red flag in your situation is the secrecy involved. If she's not sharing this information there's some reason (not necessarily that she's cheating.... ) Unless it's his birthday present or something totally mundane, there's nothing I won't share with my husband. Tell her how you feel, try not to hurl accusations - just stick to what you've observed and how it's making you feel.

Good luck!

M

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The beatings will continue until morale improves
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Re: Is my wife cheating on me? [bummed] [ In reply to ]
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Yes. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but yes. Is it the full monty? Who knows, but as others have said, secrecy and intimacy are cheating. I have walked in your shoes, and I am still married to my wife, who was involved in an eerily similar situation, but also like the last poster. You have to talk to her, and I agree that you have to let her know how you feel, but know this: She knows what she is doing. She knows its wrong, but she is doing it anyway. It is up to you and her to figure out why. Once you know why, you will know what to do. It may be counselling. It may be divorce. For us, we did counselling and were able to get past it. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. The worst part is the betrayal of trust. It is the foundation of any relationship, and it is very, very hard to reestablish.
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Re: Is my wife cheating on me? [bummed] [ In reply to ]
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cheating does not have to involve sex for it to be "cheating" My folks are going down this road currently, are seperated and it sucks for the entire family.
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Re: Is my wife cheating on me? [mdraegernyc] [ In reply to ]
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Is it cheating? Maybe, maybe not. That depends on your own personal perception. I know couples that have "open" marriages that work perfectly fine for them because they talk. That isn't the they way my wife and I roll, but if it works for them, more power to them.

The most underrated thing in any relationship is communication. We've been married now for 2 1/2 years, and together for almost 6, and I can count the number of arguments (We have yet to devolve to screaming at each other) on both thumbs, and both were because of things we hadn't/didn't talk about. I bet that if you had talked about his presence in her life way back when he first showed up again, you wouldn't be where you are now.

And, all other considerations aside, do you really think internet advice from people who have been through multiple marriages already is the best resource? Talk to your wife, explain your concerns, and see her reaction, then proceed from there.

John



Top notch coaching: Francois and Accelerate3 | Follow on Twitter: LifetimeAthlete |
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Re: Is my wife cheating on me? [bummed] [ In reply to ]
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I already replied to you in the LR because I know this situation far too intimately, but I think you just have to confront her with the evidence and ask for an explanation. See what she wants to do. Don't worry about the other guy, you can't do anything to him that will actually make a difference. Oh and if your wife wants to cheat because she's lacking something in her relationship (real or perceived or other), it may not be with this guy now, but it will happen eventually. AP

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"How bad could it be?" - SimpleS
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been there, [ In reply to ]
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Yea, she is cheating, if not sexually then emotionally.

My husband and I went through this a couple of years ago. I'll give you the short version. A nice young man (17 years younger than me) developed a crush on me. We were training together and working at a part time job together and I fell for it. Why? Because my husband and I fell it to that same old routine and the attention from someone new felt good. Things got really bad between my husband and I before it turned around. My husband never found out about the affair, but I think he knew.

What my husband did to save our marriage was, by far, the greatest feat ever performed by a mortal man! He took me and made me open my heart to him and tell him all my inner feelings, this took weeks of many all nighters. We discussed everything, especially sex. What happened was that I felt so close to my husband, having opened up to him, the sex just followed and has been absolutely great since. Actually more than great, the best sex we've ever had. My husband also worked on changing issues too.

It has been all about compromise and making an effort to stay close, honest and having fun together.
You need to get all this out on the table and make her feel comfortable enough to not get defensive and to open up to you.

Good Luck
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Re: Is my wife cheating on me? [bummed] [ In reply to ]
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I had one friendship with a guy years ago that crossed the line in terms of conversational intimacy -- long late night phone calls; intimate subject matter. I honestly wasn't attracted to this guy at all and never would have escalated our friendship to the point of a physical affair. It was, however, inappropriate. My husband objected and I backed off. I swear he really hated that guy.

One thing I would caution against until you have more information is contacting your wife's friend directly (as has been suggested by some of the guys in the LR). Without a doubt, she will resent your interference with what she values as a friendship -- and it really might be just that. Plus, it will embarass her. I doubt if I'm unique here, but I can get pretty defensive if I perceive that my husband is trying to control who I choose as my friends. That doesn't excuse my or your wife's bad behavior, but it's a reality. You're trying to tear down walls, not build them up. It's up to your wife to decide to put some distance between herself and this guy.

Good luck and hang in there. All is not lost. I've been married 17 years and lots of bad things can happen in a marriage that don't necessarily spell the end, especially when you have kids.
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Re: Is my wife cheating on me? [bummed] [ In reply to ]
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Your wife is having intimate, secret conversations with another man. Certainly that falls into cheating on the family....as to whether she has had sex with him I agree with the others that she is headed there....

I would raise your concerns and definitely head to couple's counseling before it is too late.....your marriage is definitely on the line....

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cat
Sponsored by Suntheanine, Lycored and Celadrin
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Re: Is my wife cheating on me? [bummed] [ In reply to ]
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I know what you should do.

Come out from under the bridge and eat the billy goat.


Dave Stark
dreamcatcher@astound.net
USAC & USAT level 2 certified coach
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Re: Is my wife cheating on me? [karma] [ In reply to ]
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I'm not sure why you think this person is a troll. He's not saying anything inflammatory or anything that trolls do. He's asking a very serious question.
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