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I'm very lucky to have parents who loved me enough to make these decisions. Every kid should be wanted this much.
"In order to keep a true perspective on one's importance, everyone should have a dog that worships him and a cat that will ignore him." - Dereke Bruce
I got married when I was 24 and had no intentions of having kids. My husband (now ex-husband)had a child from a previous relationship, so he was all set. Four months after we were married, on my 25th birthday, I found out I was pregnant. I was horrified. I swear as soon as that pregnancy test was positive, I gained 8 pounds on my butt and thighs. It was like aliens took over my body. I was hungry ALL the time and all I wanted was cheeseburgers (I hadn't eaten red meat in years and typically don't like any dairy products except ice cream). I was totally stressed out, I was getting fat, and could barely stay awake after work to safely drive home, nonetheless workout. I hated going to the doctor every month; getting poked and weighed. Eventually I felt better and started to workout, mostly non impact stuff like the stairmaster. I remember waking my husband up in the middle of the night when I was 7 months pregnant and telling him that I changed my mind and I wasn't having the baby. I hated all the women that had cute little bellies that looked like basketballs, I looked like a weebull.
I was a tomboy, never played with dolls and never paid attention to my friends that had babies. I was two weeks late with my daughter and just about everything yuchy they could do to you during labor, they did. I started labor pains on a Wednesday night and had her on the following Sunday. After Lindsay was born, my whole world changed, for the better. I was completely head over heels in love with this little girl. Good thing, because she was a high maintenance pain in the butt! But since I never paid attention to other babies, I didn't know that they were supposed to actually sleep and not scream when you put them down. I never knew that I could love someone so much. Twenty months later I had my son, Ian. I always tell him that it was a good thing I was already pregnant when Lindsay learned how to talk, because she would have been an only child. I think she spoke her first words with her hands on her hip.
My body definitely has some permanent wear and tear from being pregnant, but I was always back to a size 4 within 3 months of giving birth. I typically managed to get an hour of cardio everyday and lifted 3-4 times a week. My husband quickly realized that I was in a lot better mood after I worked out. I also work full-time. The most precious commodity for the first 6 years was sleep.
My kids are 17 and 19 and I consider them the best thing I have ever done.
I guess my point, if I even have one, is that you don't know how you are going to feel and it changes all the time.
Life changes as you get older (which you'll understand better as you get older). It's amazing how priorities change before you even know it. My husband has been doing Ironman races for five years and has loved it. But, each year you train for an IM, you come across other things that you want to do, but don't have the time for. So, at some point, he figures he'll stop IM for a while and focus on other hobbies, races, etc. I don't think he expected that he would enjoy NOT doing an IM, but I'm thinking that he probably won't sign up for 2009 (of course, that all depends on what happens at this year's race! :) )
Only those who go too far can possibly find out how far they can go. -T.S. Eliot
I'm not saying it's a BAD thing--sometimes selfish is good--just that it's a selfish choice. When one has the kid, one must behave selflessly at times. But for most people choosing to have kids is a selfish act.
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thank you to all who have shared their thoughts. Its probably wrong to get this from an internet site, but i feel better that people really can go either way, and that if its right or not right, people seem to know.
"What am I on? I'm on my bike busting my ass for six hours a day. What are YOU on?" - Lance Armstrong
Dare I even reply? After all this is The Womens, not the LR. But seriously, are you suggesting single moms are not capable of raising children that are an asset to society? I am one of those single moms. My daughter does not know her father. The fact is he's been dead for the majority of her life. So I'm not having sex with him anymore. But at least I live in a really nice neighborhood, so I'm getting top notch play as I work my way through it.
Awww, Katy's not all THAT evil. Only slightly evil. In a good way. - JasoninHalifax
I didn't mean to make it a "sweeping generalization" but I happen to be exposed to many folks who will say things to me like "well, kids end up an extension of yourself." or "they're going into my profession as well." or "well, my time is over, I just hope X enjoys Y as much as I used to." Is that not a "mini me?"
Are you saying that the primary urge to have children is a biological one?
I think I was trying to help the OP think hard if the situation presents itself to have children and think about why many many folks choose to have children (the non oops variety). There is absolutely NOTHING WRONG with having children because family brings SELF gratification and joy, or you hope to leave a legacy behind but at least own these feelings.
I appreciate Dawn's post because at least she's being honest about why she has children, even if others lambasted her post for being egotistical.
I know this is the kinder, gentler Womens and we're getting more into LR type material....unfortunately this is one of those topics that seems to be divided down the haves and have nots. I think there's great reasons for both positions, I just hate seeing young women trod down a path due to some idea that society (yes even in 2008) expects women to "get married and have kids" when one can live a joyous, full life married and childless, unmarried and childless, or unmarried and with child, etc. etc.
I'm 31 now and ten years ago the last thing I could have imagined was wanting kids. Like many others here I've never been the play with dolls type of girl. Now that I'm in a loving marriage with a great man and we have a stable financial situation due to both of us following career paths we enjoy and all our undergrad and graduate schoolilng is finished it's becoming more of a possibility I entertain. The reason I would want a kid is that I would love to share my life with another person - biological or otherwise. Then there are days I hang out with my friends' kids and I'm ready to throw myself off a ledge. :)
Truthfully, I think we'll probably try to have a kid in the next 18 months or so and see what happens. Neither of us feels that we need a biological child and are more than happy to adopt but having had friends who have gone through the adoption process it can be a really really ugly road. We're willing to do it if that's what the powers dictate but figure we ought to have some fun trying the good ol'fashioned way first. But if it's meant to be we're not supposed to have kids at all then we'll accept that and I'll just end up being the neighborhood crazy lady who has a small herd of dogs, cats, bunnies, and other random rescued livestock and I'll be completely happy.
The fact that some people choose to have kids/get married/etc due to societal pressures is, in this day and age*, assinine and not a real reason to bring children into this world. On the other hand, people who feel it's appropriate to bash others who have made different life choices then them is also assinine.
* I realize that even a generation ago that pressure was very different. When I asked my mom why she had kids she said that it was what people did after they got married. When I asked her if it was all worth it she said "most of the time." Not necessarily the answer one wants to hear from one's mom but I imagine it's also a very truthful answer.
only reason i'm butting in ... i singly parented a whole brood of my own biologic kids, adopted kids, foster kids, special needs kids, and a whole nother brood of various and sundry mutts, birds, kitties and rabbits ... and everyone ended up a-ok. it is a rainbow world out there. no one has to fit anyone's mold of how to do it. you just have to do your best.
Sometimes no. I've known since I was about 14 that I didn't want kids. And have never had the urge to have one (much to my mother's chagrin when she was alive). I don't really like them all that much (the mini-KEJ excepted) and know quite a few gals (and even quite a few married couples) who feel the same way.
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I struggle with trying to not feel like she is holding me back or making it too hard to do the things I want to do. I never want to resent her.
I find the struggle is in remembering I am her parent, that I can't just always try to be her friend.
They make you worry all the time.
I think if I didn't have to work so much, and I could spend more time with her, I'd be happier. The worst times are when I have to bust my ass in the morning to drive her to daycare then to work, and I am late late late for work. I get angry at her even though it's not her fault. She's only 4 after all.
As she has become more capable of taking care of herself, and in communicating with me and others, it is certainly easier in some respects. She is capable of expressing emotions and feelings, and I love nothing more than a snuggle with my girl and hearing her tell me she loves me.
It is worthwhile. But I am already planning my second life, after she is grown up.
"How bad could it be?" - SimpleS
I loved being pregnant and I actually thought about being a surrogate mother..... I didn't mind her growing in my body....it was once she came out & I didn't like her till about a year old. Sorry...That sounds so mean !!
Now she's married and this is the wierdest part of all... I'm actually looking forward to being the best Grandma ever ...even in the baby stage!!... But I don't like other people's babies !
And about deciding if I wanted children or not..... It was 2 years after we got married & I thought I was pregnant...we weren't wanting one at that time..At least we didn't think we did. The thing was .....we got so excited thinking that I was pregnant, that when we found out I wasn't, we decided it was time to make a baby.