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Why is it so hard to ask for help?
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I hate being dependent on anyone on a day to day basis. If expertise is required, that's fine, but for my daily life, I hate it.

I've always worked because I don't want to rely on someone to support me.
I've fixed stuff around the house because I'd rather not hire someone to replace a faucet or light fixture.
I have a basic 3 days supply of food & water and took a CERT class.
I keep my Element so I don't need to borrow someone's truck to haul anything.

The list goes on. I pride myself on self sufficiency but that has it limitations.

Now I have to ask for help with my surgery and it is driving me nuts. I tried to figure out how I could get to and from the hospital on my own but the Dr's office won't let me. Now I'm relying on my brother and while I never ask for anything like this, it's so frustrating. I keep apologizing to him and feel terrible that I'm inconveniencing him. He's busy and it won't exactly be fun waiting around at the hospital for a couple hours but there isn't anyone else I dare ask.

Anyone else do this?

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Jen

"In order to keep a true perspective on one's importance, everyone should have a dog that worships him and a cat that will ignore him." - Dereke Bruce
Last edited by: JenSw: Dec 16, 15 13:37
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Re: Why is it so hard to ask for help? [JenSw] [ In reply to ]
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YES. And when I had surgery (both legs, 2007), I did not have family to ask to take me or pick me up at the hospital, and realizing I had absolutely nobody I was comfortable asking was a life-changing experience for me.

And if you need someone to come up for a few days, let me know. Because two of the things I learned were a) don't offer if you don't mean it; and b) expect that when friends offer, they mean it.
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Re: Why is it so hard to ask for help? [JenSw] [ In reply to ]
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I can't answer your question, but some thoughts:

1. One sincere thank-you is far better than lots and lots of "thank you!" I have a friend who thanked me at least 10 times for brining some snacks to her masters thesis defense. It was starting to drive me nuts. I think that one "I really appreciated that you _________. Thank you." is a really nice thing to say. It starts with "I" which makes it powerful, and a full sentence is nice; far better than "thanks!" I think. I feel more appreciated when someone takes the time to put two sentences together like that.

2. People LIKE the opportunity to help others. I think I said this before, but you help others so much. (Well, I know you volunteer with cats, but based on that I kinda assume you're an always-helping person... and cats can't drive you home ;-). When you need help and ask for it, other people get to share some expertise, or a skill, or whatever, and they get to feel good.

3. Olive wishes she could drive you home, because you are so good to her and she would love a chance to take care of YOU for once. She lacks a driver's license though, and opposable thumbs, so she looks forward to someone else taking care of you, since she can't. She says you deserve it.

4. I wonder what self-beliefs are tied to how you feel when you ask for help. How would you fill in the blank "If I can't do it myself, I must be ___________ ." What comes to mind? Example "if I can't do it myself, I must be stupid." "If I can't do it myself, I'm worthless." brainstorm some self-beliefs and see what comes up... I've done this a lot for myself with "If I'm not thin that means..."

5. Stop apologizing. See #2 and #3. He is probably THRILLED that you asked.

6. Some "inconveniences" are totally worth it. I woke up at 3 am to drive my brother to the airport this October. He had offered to let me drop him off the night before and he said he would sleep in "hotel airport." Was it inconvenient for me to get up at 3 am? Sort of. But it was SO worth it, because he could sleep in a bed, and I got so many more hours with him, even if some of those hours were those that he were asleep. Maybe it IS an inconvenience for your brother, but he doesn't MIND.

7. Do you feel you're not deserving of other people helping you? (I'm just throwing this out there).

love,
spent-a-decade-in-therapy

maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD
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Re: Why is it so hard to ask for help? [tigerchik] [ In reply to ]
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All of this.

Seriously, say thank you once. He agreed to do it, so appreciate it and let him.

Everyone needs help sometimes, none of us live in a vacuum.
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Re: Why is it so hard to ask for help? [JenSw] [ In reply to ]
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yes. Got self home after Lasik because my ride "was right out front".

There's something brittle about having friends but not demanding anything of them. I'm often guilty of this.

Especially because like Tigerchick said, people like helping, especially when it's really appreciated.

maybe give your bro something he loves as a token? That'll make it feel more like an exchange.
Last edited by: kiki: Dec 17, 15 6:05
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Re: Why is it so hard to ask for help? [JenSw] [ In reply to ]
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Yep, went through this. I live alone, no family nearby and had 3 surgeries in 18 months. I needed so much help and would not have gotten through the recovery process without the help from numerous friends. Two people in particular really made a difference and I included a nice gift certificate in a hand written thank you note to each of them.

The experience made me aware of how hard it can be to ask for help. Since then, I've tried to be more proactive reaching out to people that may need support And offer specific assistance...instead of just saying "let me know how I can help." I think most people want to help others, they just don't know how.
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Re: Why is it so hard to ask for help? [JenSw] [ In reply to ]
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Been there, done that 16 weeks ago. Luckily I had a number of friends here who volunteered to take me to the hospital, pick me up from the hospital, pick my dad up from the airport and take him back to the airport when he left, go get food when I couldn't drive, etc. if someone says let them know how they can help be specific and let them know - such as can you pick up such and such from the store for me. 99% of the people will not offer if they don't mean it so let them help. And try not being able to drive for six weeks!! Hello Uber when everybody was at work.

clm
Nashville, TN
https://twitter.com/ironclm | http://ironclm.typepad.com
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Re: Why is it so hard to ask for help? [JenSw] [ In reply to ]
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I'm definitely the same way. While I wasn't stuck being required to ask for help, I did learn an unexpected lesson a few years ago...

Many years ago my husband had major surgery at a hospital 3 hours away from home and I didn't accept help from anybody (I went for a 10 mile run while he was actually in surgery - I wasn't about to loiter in a waiting room for 6 hours). I actually regret that I didn't engage friends and family in some way. Sure, I was able to be a caregiver, mother, and exemplary employee through it all and my heart and mind were strong and healthy through it all. That wasn't the problem. Our friends and family were genuinely concerned and had worry in their hearts. In essence, I stole their ability to nurture that concern by blocking their help. Sure, they all offered to help, but I turned it all down. So, all they had was their worry. When I worry about something or somebody, I want to do something about it. I didn't let them. And I regret that. We still have good relationships but having had the opportunity to help robbed from me I now know the sting. Sometimes letting somebody do something isn't about you, its about them. Don't worry, you're not the type to overextend your welcome.

Good luck with your surgery.

Hillary Trout
San Luis Obispo, CA

Your trip is short. Make the most of it.
https://www.slogoing.net/
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Re: Why is it so hard to ask for help? [tigerchik] [ In reply to ]
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Thanks everyone. This has been an opportunity to think about why I am this way. It will always be hard for me to ask for help but hopefully once I do ask I can accept it without guilt. I don't like being seen as weak or needy but I am human and I can't do everything by myself.

I found out I have to be with someone for 24 hours after surgery because I'm going to under a general anesthesia so I'm staying the night with my brother. His in-laws are in town for Christmas so it will be a full house. That made it even harder to ask but if I don't have someone with me then I can't have the surgery.

It will be my brother, my 10 year old nephew and the father-in-law for the evening. The females are going to the theater. I hope I survive...I'll have to remind my nephew no wrestlemania. Auntie Jen won't be a lot of fun.

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Jen

"In order to keep a true perspective on one's importance, everyone should have a dog that worships him and a cat that will ignore him." - Dereke Bruce
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Re: Why is it so hard to ask for help? [JenSw] [ In reply to ]
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You never know, it might be really good to hang with your nephew. Sometimes, you can connect with a kid and when you do, it's pretty special. I don't know your nephew, but I've experienced it with kids I coach (or have coached), which is a pretty transitory relationship. Have fun with it, get him to be your butler for the evening :-)

AP

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"How bad could it be?" - SimpleS
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Re: Why is it so hard to ask for help? [JenSw] [ In reply to ]
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Yeah, it's hard but this is good practice.
Plus, we can figure out how ID friends and neighbors who need help but don't want to ask.
Get well soon and happy holidays to you.
KS

Karen ST Concierge
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Re: Why is it so hard to ask for help? [JenSw] [ In reply to ]
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I think of myself as an independent person that can take care of myself too. But that doesn't mean it's a bad thing to need help every so often. I just had my second arthroscopic knee surgery this year this past Thursday. Trust me, you'll want some TLC. Give yourself permission to accept it. Say thank you. You'll make it up to your family later. If you want to talk, PM me. I'd be happy to be your surgery buddy. --Pam
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Re: Why is it so hard to ask for help? [JenSw] [ In reply to ]
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Well, I pride myself on being able to take anything/do anything-except getting on the roof. I wont do that. I mowed the grass with a push mower 10 days after a hip replacement.
But last year, hubby went down with diabetic foot ulcer resulting in an amputation. He was hospitalized and or bedridden for months. And we had a 4 month old puppy at the time. I learned real quick to ask for help, and often. I had to work and there was no way a little puppy could spend 12 hours alone-so I connected with a couple of family members and friends(his), neighbors etc to get her needs met. It worked and the neighbors are very close friends now.
However, begging for help while hubby is in ICU to a bunch of blank faces-PITA. His family was NOT receptive for the most part. I still harbor ill feelings about begging for help and only one person came to my aid. They were his family!!! No one offered. I had to recruit, pay, house etc.
When people offer, they really want to help and it benefits them as much as you.
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Re: Why is it so hard to ask for help? [JenSw] [ In reply to ]
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Fear of disappointment. That the person you are asking for help won't say yes or won't come through. This just dawned on me the other day. That's one of the main reasons I don't ask for help.
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Re: Why is it so hard to ask for help? [JenSw] [ In reply to ]
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If your brother was going through the same situation and asked for your help would you feel inconvenienced or would you be happy to help?

If you would be happy to help, well chances are that he feels the same way. Accept the help, say thank you and move on with life.

How does Danny Hart sit down with balls that big?
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Re: Why is it so hard to ask for help? [GhiaGirl] [ In reply to ]
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Brilliant. That's exactly it. What if I ask for help and they say no? Or, they say yes and really really don't want to do it.

Good news is my brother came through. I know a lot of it was because my sister-in-law told him not to be an asshole but once he committed he was all in.

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Jen

"In order to keep a true perspective on one's importance, everyone should have a dog that worships him and a cat that will ignore him." - Dereke Bruce
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Re: Why is it so hard to ask for help? [JenSw] [ In reply to ]
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 Hope it goes as well as it can. Keep us posted.

No coasting in running and no crying in baseball
Last edited by: Tri3: Dec 24, 15 6:10
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Re: Why is it so hard to ask for help? [JenSw] [ In reply to ]
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Wow, do you think this is our personality type? I mean, the kind of woman that does endurance sports is rather independent-minded anyway? I'm recently single (threw the drunk, lying bastard out after 8 years) and for the first time realized that I would rather be alone and do things alone.

Patti in NJ
Last edited by: PattiTris: Dec 29, 15 10:45
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Re: Why is it so hard to ask for help? [JenSw] [ In reply to ]
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how's it going?
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Re: Why is it so hard to ask for help? [kiki] [ In reply to ]
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Feeling good. Once I got home from my brother's I was fine. My mobility wasn't very limited. The Dr has encouraged me to walk on my knee as much as is comfortable so I am.

Remind me never to ask my mother to help. I mentioned in email that when I get my knee replacement it would be great if she could fly out for a week (she's in NH, I'm in WA) to take care of me. Two days later she writes this long email saying her and my dad have decided I should fly back to NH, have surgery there and convalesce for as long as I need to. Um, no. No no no no no. So many reasons why no. She isn't going to let this go unfortunately.

Maybe she's trained me that help doesn't come without a list of conditions that I find unacceptable. :-)

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Jen

"In order to keep a true perspective on one's importance, everyone should have a dog that worships him and a cat that will ignore him." - Dereke Bruce
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Re: Why is it so hard to ask for help? [JenSw] [ In reply to ]
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Sigh.... Mothers, wouldn't be alive without them, can't live with them. ;-)

No coasting in running and no crying in baseball
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Re: Why is it so hard to ask for help? [JenSw] [ In reply to ]
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Ok, so I dealt with a little of what you just described after the shoulder surgery I just had on 12/10. The original post I had in spades...my independent streak runs far & wide so it was a little tough to say "I need help". But like TC said, once I did I was rewarded with SO SO SO much love. My mother came & stayed with me no questions asked - even drug my dad up for a few days right after. It was actually pretty cool to hang out with them, even if I was drugged to the hilt. We spent a week at my place from surgery to the post-op appointment....she kept my meds on a schedule, tons of friends sent messages & a few brought food. It was almost overwhelming in a really amazing way.

But she wanted to take me to their house right after my post-op appointment a week after surgery. There were a few reasons, including "I just don't want to be away from home that long" and "I want to spend some Christmas time at home" and a few others. They're legit reasons & it's not like I was in any position to argue - I wouldn't have been able to do much of anything on my own & I wouldn't have been able to get home for Christmas if I wasn't hitching a ride with her! But it really grated on me - I had to leave all of the pre-Christmas things that I wanted to do (& in some cases felt like I needed to do for some obligations) & had to leave my space while still reeling a bit from surgery. I totally understand your conversation with your mom & why it just feels wrong.

I think your last statement, to a degree, is true. I think that's part of what makes it tough for chicks like us to ask for help to begin with - because it almost always has some sort of string attached (which isn't entirely true, but it sure seems that way).

Anyway...I wound up spending just over 2.5 full weeks with my parents - which would typically have driven me bonkers. My mother not only drove me the 7hrs south to their house but wound up having to drive me home as well (because I had a friend bail...I had asked her to help...back to the original statement). She turned the latter into a fun trip with her best friend & we both bawled when they pulled away from my house. I'm lucky that I'm close to my mom & she's essentially my best friend, so I guess I got used to having her around & chatting...but it snuck up on both of us how special the time was. She felt fulfilled because she got to help take care of me & I felt loved because she/they gave me rock star care & did a GREAT job of helping....

All that to say, it may not go exactly how you want it to, but it'll work out. Worst case, you can always make a statement about your doctors needing to be local to be in-network for your insurance coverage & having established relationships & all that jazz.

AW
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Re: Why is it so hard to ask for help? [JenSw] [ In reply to ]
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I have one of those moms, too. I usually tell her she can offer and suggest, but not "decide." The decision is my job.

But last week my sister in Pennsylvania crashed on her bike trainer (seriously) and put the left hood or bar end through her right eye. My 80-something parents are in Florida for a few weeks, and my sister texted me, not Mom and Dad (with whom she is very very close), from the hospital before emergency surgery asking me to come (even though we are not close). I called the airline and the pet sitter and left asap. She is having (or had) a second surgery today, but I am not there because I already had a ticket to go help out our other sister (in Hawaii, at least no snow), who has had some ongoing health issues that kept me busy for the latter half of 2014 and first half of 2015. I am typing from somewhere over the Pacific, taking a break from working furiously on my tray table to squish in the 2 weeks of freelance work and syllabus writing (class starts the day after I return to California) that I had planned for these two weeks.

Long and short of it, that is what family do -- blood family and family-by-choice. Even when it is inconvenient and expensive and exhausting. And we have to ask when it's our turn because we need people in our lives who are willing to be inconvenienced, broke, and exhausted when we need them. Otherwise, life kinda sucks.
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Re: Why is it so hard to ask for help? [JenSw] [ In reply to ]
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Quote:
Remind me never to ask my mother to help

At least your mother is still alive to help.....






clm
Nashville, TN
https://twitter.com/ironclm | http://ironclm.typepad.com
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