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Re: Married ladies: change last name or not? [genkigirl1] [ In reply to ]
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Some of you ladies are truly missing out on the actual historical reasons and the meaning of marriage. Obviously a "family" can mean many things - divorced single parents, two divorced familes coming together, a never married woman or man with children, childless couples, gay couples, etc etc. A family is not defined by the legal laws of marriage. But don't fool yourself into thinking that the concept of marriage wasn't one where the woman was not presented to the man. Look at the ceremony and read the vows, what do you think is happening? And what have been the expectations of those couples and their familes.

I feel sorry for you not because you think I have some pre-conceived notions about family values or the place of women in society, which I don't. I feel sorry for you because you probably walk around thinking that you are superior and more progressive thinking than traditional women who want to be married, be taken care of by their husbands, not have a career and instead raise children, and assume their husbands last name. Trust me, from your attitude, your are not as good as those women.
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Re: Married ladies: change last name or not? [npda] [ In reply to ]
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In all seriousness, to answer your question, it's incredibly important in academics (for example) to have a strong citation record. Once you are published in your given name, you can't go back and edit those journal articles to change to your married name. You are ranked based on your citation record, therefore, it's not advised to change your name in the middle of your career.

Believe it or not there are tools that allow you to link your new name to your old name, or to altogether change the search criteria on published documents. Technology, crazy, I know.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BibTeX
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Re: Married ladies: change last name or not? [Bone Idol] [ In reply to ]
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Bone Idol wrote:
Neither your paranoia nor your self-righteousness are doing you any favours.

Get over yourself. Nobody attacked you. If you can manage it without fainting, read what was written again. Is that seriously what has prompted your increasingly shrill responses? Then see where you borrowed my use of the word "odd". By your standard, that could only have been a deliberate "attack", right?

I did actually notice that this is the women's room and not the lavender room - see how I pointed it out in my post? And I agree that the post title is addressed to "married ladies". But neither of us is a married lady, are we? So your comment was pointless, and you don't have the right to decide who can respond to your inane posts.

BTW, given that societal "norms" are the source of your sanctimonious attitudes, it's interesting that you have no apparent respect for a long-standing "norm" of parents staying together to provide a stable home for their children. That's a "norm" that actually provides a real benefit to children and society. I suppose you figure you can follow a couple of meaningless "norms", act condescendingly towards those who don't, and then ignore far more important "norms" that don't suit you. Excellent plan to not marry again or have more children, I'd say.

You are a good example of how often self-righteousness and hypocrisy are exhibited at the same time.

I am going to ignore your name calling (funny that you accuse me of that yet you are the one to engage in this particular behavior) and simply address the bold section.

Sometimes the better thing for children, the more stable thing for children is divorce. Staying in an abusive marriage did not seem to benefit my children nor society.
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Re: Married ladies: change last name or not? [YaHey] [ In reply to ]
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YaHey wrote:
In all seriousness, to answer your question, it's incredibly important in academics (for example) to have a strong citation record. Once you are published in your given name, you can't go back and edit those journal articles to change to your married name. You are ranked based on your citation record, therefore, it's not advised to change your name in the middle of your career.

Believe it or not there are tools that allow you to link your new name to your old name, or to altogether change the search criteria on published documents. Technology, crazy, I know.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BibTeX

Your little wikipedia search is cute, and linking your old name to your new name using software is simple. This only serves the person/group who installs the software and organizes their publication library using it. When one uses article databases, such as Web of Science (how real scientists search for publications), to search for publications by an author, only that name will come up in the search. Thus, back to my original POINT: one builds a reputation around the name they publish in, and while changing your name doesn't ruin your career, it may make your first papers less accessible and a bit harder to find.

YOU SAID that women who keep their name in the workplace do it to "keep their independence" and disrespect their husband. My argument was that there is a good reason to keep your name in the workplace that has nothing to do with independence or disrespect. Many successful women change their names and it's no big deal. But some choose not to and you are completely WRONG that it automatically means they disrespect their family unit and/or husband.
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Re: Married ladies: change last name or not? [YaHey] [ In reply to ]
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you probably walk around thinking that you are superior and more progressive thinking than traditional women who want to be married, be taken care of by their husbands, not have a career and instead raise children,

Huh?! Where did you come up with all that garbage? You sure assume a lot about the motivations of people you don't know.

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Re: Married ladies: change last name or not? [meuf] [ In reply to ]
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meuf wrote:
I am going to ignore your name calling (funny that you accuse me of that yet you are the one to engage in this particular behavior) and simply address the bold section.

Sometimes the better thing for children, the more stable thing for children is divorce. Staying in an abusive marriage did not seem to benefit my children nor society.

I didn't call you any names. You have quite a habit of just making stuff up to justify your behaviour. I'm sure that didn't happen with your marriage, though. I'm certain that you were entirely sweetness and light, and the man you chose to be with for all eternity (or at least until you change your mind) inexplicably became "abusive" - like the way I "attacked" you, perhaps. No fault of your own at all. You must just be one of those people stumbling through life being attacked and abused and having failure thrust upon you. And all you've got for your troubles is an abuser's name.

As so often, it's the children I feel sorry for.
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Re: Married ladies: change last name or not? [Bone Idol] [ In reply to ]
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Bone Idol wrote:
meuf wrote:

I am going to ignore your name calling (funny that you accuse me of that yet you are the one to engage in this particular behavior) and simply address the bold section.

Sometimes the better thing for children, the more stable thing for children is divorce. Staying in an abusive marriage did not seem to benefit my children nor society.


I didn't call you any names. You have quite a habit of just making stuff up to justify your behaviour. I'm sure that didn't happen with your marriage, though. I'm certain that you were entirely sweetness and light, and the man you chose to be with for all eternity (or at least until you change your mind) inexplicably became "abusive" - like the way I "attacked" you, perhaps. No fault of your own at all. You must just be one of those people stumbling through life being attacked and abused and having failure thrust upon you. And all you've got for your troubles is an abuser's name.

As so often, it's the children I feel sorry for.

quoting you to leave this up

your comments are truly disgusting.
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Re: Married ladies: change last name or not? [YaHey] [ In reply to ]
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Are you for real or just trolling? Certainly there are various cultural reasons why people get married. No one is ignoring that. However you might like to fast forward to now where many women are able to support themselves NOW and don't need to be married off in order to survive. Pre-convieved notions?? You have blatantly insulted about 50% if the women based on what YOU wrote, not what any of us are assuming you think.

I don't feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for the women you have to deal with on a day to day basis that you dismiss as not being "good" because of your judgmental attitude. No one on here has claimed to be "superior" compared to "traditional" woman. You however have claimed they are better than us. Fine by me. I certainly am not going to care what some person on a poster board thinks of me for not taking my husband's name. More so when they are narrow-minded.

And as pointed out, academia and whatnot certainly don't care about search engines to find maiden names for women. You seem to be rather clueless about how that world works and demonstrate this every time you argue about it. You also might want to step out of your patronizing "historical" comments. Perhaps you would like to do a search on Asian cultural traditions where men take on a wife's name in order to inherit land, companies...

Oh and 'taken" care off? Regardless of what you think, homemakers are the ones that "take care" of the family. So not only have you insulted working women who keep their names, you've also insulted the homemakers too. Well done!
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Re: Married ladies: change last name or not? [YaHey] [ In reply to ]
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I don't care about the history of marriage.The only marriage that matters to me is mine. I like my name. Two names causes no problems. End of story.

I don't care what other people do. I know some people very much look forward to taking the spouse's name. I know some people are horrified by the "misogynistic oppression" that it symbolizes. I don't care. Do what you want. No skin of my nose.


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Re: Married ladies: change last name or not? [genkigirl1] [ In reply to ]
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genkigirl1 wrote:
Oh and 'taken" care off? Regardless of what you think, homemakers are the ones that "take care" of the family. So not only have you insulted working women who keep their names, you've also insulted the homemakers too. Well done!

x10x10^10
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Re: Married ladies: change last name or not? [genkigirl1] [ In reply to ]
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Perhaps you would like to do a search on Asian cultural traditions where men take on a wife's name in order to inherit land, companies...

Perhaps I would, if I lived in or cared about Asian society. But since I live in a Western culture... But if Asian society is your standard, as opposed to a Western standards, then I can assure you that many, if not most, Asian cultures (I'm sured you know there is more than one and they are not homogeneous) have models where the man does not take the womans name.

But now that women can support themselves you don't have to take the name, fill a role, what? What are you saying?

I don't know where you got that I think homemakers are less than their spouses. You need to learn to read.

Continue to snooker your husbands or SO's with all this nonsense and reasons. They're pansies.
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Re: Married ladies: change last name or not? [YaHey] [ In reply to ]
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YaHey wrote:
Perhaps you would like to do a search on Asian cultural traditions where men take on a wife's name in order to inherit land, companies...

Perhaps I would, if I lived in or cared about Asian society. But since I live in a Western culture... But if Asian society is your standard, as opposed to a Western standards, then I can assure you that many, if not most, Asian cultures (I'm sured you know there is more than one and they are not homogeneous) have models where the man does not take the womans name.

But now that women can support themselves you don't have to take the name, fill a role, what? What are you saying?

I don't know where you got that I think homemakers are less than their spouses. You need to learn to read.

Continue to snooker your husbands or SO's with all this nonsense and reasons. They're pansies.

Oh.... so you only want to cherry pick info that helps your 'historical" and cultural crap. Please. But since you insist on only caring about "western" culture, you might want to get with the times and realise that "western" culture is changing since we don't need big strong men to look after us weak women. And we certainly don't need to take our husbands' names to show we are property of them.

I need to learn how to read? Perhaps you could learn how to articulate?

Pansies? Well I would much my husband be that than some overbearing, ego inflated prick.
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Re: Married ladies: change last name or not? [YaHey] [ In reply to ]
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But now that women can support themselves you don't have to take the name, fill a role, what?

For many of us, the role has changed. Independence doesn't mean there's no family unit. It means we choose to be with our partners, not because we need to, but because we want to.


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Awww, Katy's not all THAT evil. Only slightly evil. In a good way. - JasoninHalifax

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Re: Married ladies: change last name or not? [genkigirl1] [ In reply to ]
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He is not trolling. Check out his thread in the Lavender Room about "convenience partners".
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Re: Married ladies: change last name or not? [slink] [ In reply to ]
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Frightening. Truly frightening.
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Re: Married ladies: change last name or not? [slink] [ In reply to ]
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I was not going to respond anymore to such narrow minded women, but since you brought up an old thread, trifan actually had a better description of "significant other"

Bed Buddy
Bill Co-payer
Current Cohort
Special friend
The person with whom I'm living in sin with (this one would go over well, don't you think ;)
Person whom I love madly deeply and want to spend the rest of my life with, but don't want to marry, because you know...just in case.


Kind of describes the way some of you treat your husband's and marriage, don't it?
Last edited by: YaHey: Aug 23, 11 6:48
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Re: Married ladies: change last name or not? [YaHey] [ In reply to ]
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I was not going to respond anymore to such narrow minded women

The irony (or maybe hypocrisy is a better word) of this statement is obviously lost on you.

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Re: Married ladies: change last name or not? [YaHey] [ In reply to ]
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Lessons we have learned from YaHey:

*Some of us women don't appreciate the historical meaning of marriage.

*Keeping your family, given name, is disrespectful and means you are not a good wife/mother.

*Us "progressive women" walk around thinking that we are better than homemakers.

*All of our husbands and S.O.s are pansies for putting up with our "reasoning."


Allow me to respond, for the last time (and I apologize for contributing to this thread's complete derailing):

Lesson #1: I appreciate the historical meaning of marriage. Mostly, I appreciate that it is different now. I appreciate that I was NOT traded for livestock when I was a 12 year old girl and then raped and impregnated on my wedding night. I appreciate that I don't have to get married in a church, I can get married wherever I want, to (practically) whomever I want.

Lesson #2: I have no strong opinion about taking the husband's name or not. My only strong opinion is to do what's best for your career (and life), as I try to do. I want to be as successful as I possibly can, and if that means I keep my given name in the workplace, so be it. I want to be able to provide for my family too, in addition to my S.O.'s income. That way, we can put away bigger college funds for children, and, maybe we can retire earlier, and we can both travel more, donate more to causes we believe in, and help out our other family members.

Lesson #3: My mom and grandma were homemakers. Several of my good friends are now. They are all incredible. I have never once walked around thinking I am better than ANY of them. I hope that my job allows me to be a homemaker for at least several years, because I think it would be one of the hardest, most fulfilling jobs there are. And being a homemaker does NOT include being "taken care of" by your husband. It means you take care of everyone, the kids, the pets, and even the neighbors, and the family members that just show up unannounced.

Lesson #4: I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that my S.O. can kick YaHey's ASS in everything, namely: sports, intelligence, compassion, thoughtfulness, and certainly in bed. Also, he can cook. And clean. He also doesn't spend two hours a day posting in the Lavender room, ignoring me. So if that makes him a "pansy," fantastic! I'll take it any day!

Thank YOU YaHey, for the lessons! I learned a lot: about how truly grateful I am for my relationship, family, friends and that I don't have to interact with anyone like you on a daily basis.

PEACE OUT EVERYONE!
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Re: Married ladies: change last name or not? [npda] [ In reply to ]
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Well said NPDA!

Narrow-minded... that made me chuckle. Who are the women who date these creeps? I feel for them!
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