This. 22 is so young! Whether biological child or not, 22 is just too young to have to deal with that. No matter how amicable the divorce was, I guarantee he has baggage. 22 is too young to live with that. I know that you are probably rolling your eyes right now, I would have been doing the same at your age, but trust me, 22 is so young! Have fun, whatever that means to you, date, get out there and do whatever young 20somethings do (legal and clean of course!). The baggage and kids can wait. I'd give my right arm to be 22 again. Ah, if I'd known then what I know now! Hindsight and all that.

When I was in my early 20's I dated a man about 9 years older than me with a young daughter. It was fine for awhile but she got very attached to me and I realized that somewhere down the road this probably wasn't going to work out and this little person was going to be devastated, so I did the smart thing and I broke it off and moved on. Yes it was hard, but the truth of the matter was I was far far to young to be taking on that type of responsibility and the fact that his ex was pretty amicable there would come a day when she wouldn't be (guaranteed!) and it could potentially be a living hell. My mom said "three people cannot be in a relationship" and she was right.


I ended up not getting married until I was nearly 29 but I was mature enough by that point to really know myself. My beautiful husband (for 15 years now) and I had the same big goals in life, not always the same smaller ones but the smaller goals could always be worked out or tolerated as long as the big issues were static. You have to be willing to take on not only the here and now with this man (who I think personally is way too old for you) but what the future could bring too because his future is a whole lot closer than yours is.

Look, I am not telling you anything you don't already know, but more than anything you should think clearly as to why a man that age (who had his time as a young adult) is so willing to take your youth and all of its wonderful experiences away and chain you to all the responsibilities and trappings of a life so much further along than your own. I guess what I am saying is, if he REALLY cared about you, he would find someone closer to his own age to potentially saddle with these issues who maybe has children of their own... he is really cheating by being involved with someone who has barely started their own life.

Just my humble opinion.... but I am sure AP will give you an even better perspective on it.


~LBB

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I am an avid cyclist who is also the co-owner and buyer for Low Country Multisport a performance specific F.I.S.T. certified fit studio and repair shop in the beautiful Lowcountry of South Carolina. And, I just happen to be married to a retired Marine who is completely addicted to the iron distance. "lord help my wallet!!"

I came from a broken home. My Mother has remarried, my Father has not. My Stepfather has been in my life since I was 7 and I can't remember it any other way. He is a vital part of our family dynamic and I love him a lot. Just because he is not my real Father does not mean I love him less. I just love him differently.
I imagine that as the son of your partner grows up he will feel the same way. Him being so young he will not know it any other way.

You are lucky in the fact that you are in the same town as the ex-wife. Holidays etc would be a lot harder if you all lived in different areas. You learn to adapt and mix things around to suit what's going on. For example, on Christmas day the son could have lunch with his Mother and dinner with you and your partner. Honestly, it works out, and if you start to implement these things early on it just becomes the norm.

At 22 you are still young. And not wanting to sound harsh and critical, you sound a little naive and immature. In this situation all you can do is be a supportive partner to your man. You said you 'love them both terribly' so don't let the fact that you're not blood-related to this little boy get in the way of your potentially amazing future with him and his Dad. I think you may need to scrap the idea of moving. It would not be fair to any party.

It takes a village to raise a child and you can be a key part of that village if you want to be, but you need to make a decision. The worst thing you could do is go back and forth on this issue and years down the track decide it's not what you want. The longer you are in the picture, the more this child will become attached to you.

You're clearly uncertain about the direction your life has taken you to. It's great you reached out for advice, and you've gotten some excellent feedback. I would also suggest signing up for counseling for yourself. You need an advocate for YOU to help you understand the dynamics of this situation and to make good choices for yourself. An experienced professional would provide this for you.

Best of luck.