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Question for the moms out there... or only children...
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Why do people make you feel bad when you say you might only have/want to have ONE child?? Is it really so terrible?

I am days (hopefully only days) away from having my first baby... I am 38, will be 39 this summer, and my husband will be turning 50 a couple months later. Obviously, we both got started later in life with this whole thing. I know that many women have children well into their 40's, but I always felt that I didn't want to beyond that time for various reasons (age, lifestyle, etc). Should I feel guilty that I may only want ONE child? My husband and I both come from larger families (we both have 5 siblings), but that doesn't really change how I feel (if anything, it may reinforce how I feel!)

Is there a chance I'll change my mind when our little guy finally arrives?

I would like to hear what some of you more active moms or only children think...
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Re: Question for the moms out there... or only children... [dupeetriclub] [ In reply to ]
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i'm an only child. it's kind of neat having a sister and brother in law now (hubby's sis and her husband), but i never felt deprived of siblings as a kid. my folks had me when they were in their 30's as well, and while that meant that they were less likely to take me out to the park to play catch or frisbee (not active people, and both worked very intellectually demanding jobs), they did provide me with tons of opportunities to play different sports, and took me other neat places like the museum, art gallery, science centre, etc. i had a great childhood!

if you think you take crap for only wanting one, just thank your lucky stars you haven't had to put up with "you don't KNOW you don't want kids - you just think that now, but you'll change your mind" for the last 10+ years..

cheers!

-mistress k

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ill advised racing inc.
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Re: Question for the moms out there... or only children... [dupeetriclub] [ In reply to ]
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To piggyback on what MistressK said - for some reason people think it's completely appropriate to voice their personal opinion with regards to children. Their thoughts on whether you want/don't want kids. Their thoughts on whether you'll do any 'outside assistance' or not if you have problems getting pregnant. Their thoughts on whether you should have more than one kid. And then don't forget that you'll get tons of unsolicited advice on how to raise said child.

Everyone is in a different situation so do what's best for family and ignore all the outside chatter.


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Re: Question for the moms out there... or only children... [dupeetriclub] [ In reply to ]
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Why do people make you feel bad when you say you might only have/want to have ONE child?? Is it really so terrible?

Because they are total jackasses with no tact.

For me, it took 7 years after being married to decide I wanted kids. I had our first daughter and after 9 months decided, I was done. Little did I know I was already prego when I made this decision (and didn't discover my 2nd little gift until I was almost 4 months along).

You and your husband know what works for you and what doesn't. Your child will not be scarred for life because they don't have a sibling if you decide '1' is your number. Heck, I have a biological sister (3 years old than me) that I have ZERO relationship with - she's hated me from birth. I grew up with my sister in my house but she has never been a SISTER. So to hell with what family/friends/society thinks. Reality doesn't always end in happy endings.

Is there a chance you'll change your mind? Absolutely. Babies do crazy things to us. Yet there is also a chance you'll stand firm in your thought process of only wanting one. Either way you will love whatever you are given.

I didn't know I wanted two babies until I had my 2nd daughter. Now I look at her in utter amazement and feel blessed that 'the choice' was essentially made for me regarding her conception.

You are about to embark on an amazing journey. Don't feel bad about any decision you make because as a parent 'bad decisions' are inevitable from time to time. Just roll with it, embrace all that is given to you and enjoy each moment. And tell the nosey nosers to go to hell when they want to offer their opinion if you don't want to listen to it.

Congrats on the new little bundle of joy!!

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Re: Question for the moms out there... or only children... [dupeetriclub] [ In reply to ]
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Congrats on the new one...hoping for your sake it is only days away...

I am an only. My mother was 32 when she had me, both parents always worked and we lived kind of "in the country", so I had only a few friends. Add to that we spent weekends elsewhere and I had a totally different set of friends (still only a few) and I was a bit of an odd kid. I was coming home alone after school until 6:30p or so in 3rd or 4th grade and it was no big deal. My parents raised me very independently, I hung out with them and their friends a lot. As a result, I've always been able to entertain myself, know how to do things myself and can get whatever needs to be done...well, done. I feel sometimes that I missed out on having a sibling or more friends or being more involved, but I think I've been set up pretty well for life with my own abilities. They weren't always there to pick me up and brush off the scrapes, so I learned to do it myself. I learned it's very little use crying if there's no one there to see you cry and feel bad or try to make it better (Note: my opinion on this wavers, it DOES sometimes help just to have a good cry for the helluvit and get it out). I had opportunity for sport - swimming and some basketball early on - but it was pretty independent with the parents at work and not always (rarely) being at games or meets. Sometimes I think I missed out on the sibling thing, sometimes I think I had it great because I'm the only one that ever had to be bought for, or shuttled around, or focused on, etc. My parents did a bang-up job of teaching me the value of things so that even though I WAS spoiled, I knew the value of it and was able to appreciate it.

I have decided that I want to see what more than one is like...(God willing)...but not for some time yet.

So....I say don't take the flak from anyone. It's your life, your child, your home. You're obviously an established person and you seem very happy....go for it. Just be happy with your own decision and the rest will flow nicely.

AW
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Re: Question for the moms out there... or only children... [dupeetriclub] [ In reply to ]
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There are major benefits to being an only child just like there are major benefits to having siblings. There's isn't a right and wrong in this situation. Every family is different and you have to do what's right for you. If you decide to only have one child, then that is what's right for your family. Your child will have an amazing family because you are making the right decision for you. That's the only important thing.

People are idiots. Don't listen to them.
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Re: Question for the moms out there... or only children... [dupeetriclub] [ In reply to ]
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My hubby and I are struggling with this as well!! He is 45 and I am 38 and we have a 2 yr old. We love our life right now, our little guy is awesome, and we just want to be done, but feel this nagging pressure from the "outside" to have another and give our little guy a sibling. I am glad to hear from the "only children" that they do not resent their parents for not giving them a sibling. I have a twin sister and a big brother, and we are all close, but I still feel that I would be a better mother with just one. I have had a lot of body image/eating disorder issues and it took me long enough to give up the fears and get pregnant, and I am not sure I can do it again healthily.
As much as I can say it to you, ignore what those nosey people say - we need to do what is right for us and our families!
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Re: Question for the moms out there... or only children... [dupeetriclub] [ In reply to ]
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I'm an only and we have an only son who just turned 11. We thought at first that we might want a second, however, with two careers, we quickly found we wouldn't have time to spend fairly with two and decided on one.

I never felt deprived being an only child - my son has never said he feels deprived, in fact, after some weekends at friends houses who have 3+ kids, he remarks how nice it is to be the only one.

Do what is right for your family - you'll figure it out as you go, we all do !

Tri Hard !
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Re: Question for the moms out there... or only children... [Bing] [ In reply to ]
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Thanks for your post, Bing, its great to hear stories like this. I am a twin and have 2 siblings, so its really difficult to imagine being an only child, but that is the way we are leaning.
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Re: Question for the moms out there... or only children... [Angela K] [ In reply to ]
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Angie - you're in Ottawa? I " know " you from the connectors groups eons ago - am I right? If so, I'm doing the Ottawa 1/2 Marathon in May - maybe we'll finally put face to name.

If you're not that Angie, we won't <g> !

Oh - just back from an overnight birthday party for our son and 5 of his closest friends at a waterpark. Having done this, allow me to assure you, the only child decision is VERY wise ... well, at least don't have 6, all at the same time <g>.

Tri Hard !
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Re: Question for the moms out there... or only children... [dupeetriclub] [ In reply to ]
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My husband and I came from fairly large families and we never started out as only wanting one child. At 30, I had my first and wanted a second, if not six in the weeks following delivery. Then as our daughter grew, I generally wanted one more, but not in a passionate, all-consuming way, just in the "I love my kid, I'd love to love another one." We didn't have any luck, but we didn't pursue medical options for secondary infertility either. I think part of it was that I couldn't really imagine setting her down to make room for a new baby. At about age 35, we both got so busy with work that I realized that if I found myself pregnant, I couldn't have dealt with it. Husband then had a vasectomy. I am completely at peace with our decision.

I was completely fulfilled as a mother with one child and so is my husband. All kids are great, and family size is personal, but we are beyond thrilled that we only have one child. Lots of advantages. My only cautionary note is this, you can't have a single child deal with your sure to come end of life issues. Six kids can deal with it together, perhaps. Don't ask a single child to do it. My husband and I have recently purchased long-term care insurance so our daughter won't have to deal with SNF/assisted living/NH issues, etc.

Perhaps I need to start a different post, and I will if the interest is there, but in my new job, I'm learning a lot about SNF/end of life issues and options, but Medicare only pays 100 days for SNFs and doesn't pay for assisted living/nursing home care. The solution for many families is to spend down the assets until the patient becomes Medicaid eligible. --End geekiness.
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Re: Question for the moms out there... or only children... [Bing] [ In reply to ]
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BING - yes, its me!!! Wow, long time no talk! You are in T.O. from what I remember? How cool! We will have to "catch up"!! I will likely be doing the half or the full in May as well. Are you still doing tris?

I love your comments about the waterpark - that would be instant birth control for most people!!

Speaking of kiddies, I have to get my toddler to bed!
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Re: Question for the moms out there... or only children... [dupeetriclub] [ In reply to ]
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I'm an only child and don't feel like I missed out on anything.

As for people making you feel guilty, pooh on them, it's not their life and not their choice. And how do they know you don't have a medical reason for your choice? My mom wanted other children but couldn't have any more..she barely had me, I was born 2 months premature.

I have 2 children and I tell people it is by far, the best thing I have ever done. I thought I was married to my career (I'm an attorney) and thought I'd only have one. My second was a bit of a surprise, as she wasn't planned, but I loved every moment of having 2. You may or may not change your mind, but don't sweat it.

Congratulations on your upcoming baby!

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Re: Question for the moms out there... or only children... [vols fan] [ In reply to ]
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Thanks to everyone for your posts! In my heart and mind, I know it's a personal decision for me and my husband... but you know how outside influence can make you second guess yourself.

Re: the most recent posts about an only child being responsible for adult/parent care, assisted living, etc. I have seen this first hand with my father. He ended up caring/responsible for both my Grandmother AND her sister over many LONG years (not complete financial responsibility, but still, the emotional toll it takes isn't any easier). We will be sure to plan for that, so that our son doesn't have to turn his life upside down while we wither away.

Meanwhile, I am almost 5 days overdue... going in for induction tomorrow night/Wed early morning. The waiting around is reason enough to only have ONE! Bah!

Thanks again.
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Re: Question for the moms out there... or only children... [dupeetriclub] [ In reply to ]
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I don't want to have kids. Imagine how others try to make me feel. Keyword there is "try". I know what's best for my life and I don't give a shit if others (read: Mom) try to push their views on how I should live my life.

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Re: Question for the moms out there... or only children... [S. Pinkfontaine] [ In reply to ]
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In Reply To:
I don't want to have kids. Imagine how others try to make me feel. Keyword there is "try". I know what's best for my life and I don't give a shit if others (read: Mom) try to push their views on how I should live my life.

The pressure really let up on me once my sister had a kid... :D


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Re: Question for the moms out there... or only children... [Khai] [ In reply to ]
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Both of my sisters have had kids now. I still get pressure from my grandma, but she's pretty much down the path to Alzheimer's so not much I can do about that. The problem in my situation is that I'm the oldest and one would think that the oldest would have kids first. Not in my case. Like I said, they try to put pressure on me to have kids but I don't let it get to me.

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Re: Question for the moms out there... or only children... [Khai] [ In reply to ]
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yep - sister in law had a kiddo, so i'm off the hook with mom-in-law! my mum is awesome, and has never put any pressure on me :)

cheers!

-mistress k

__________________________________________________________
ill advised racing inc.
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Re: Question for the moms out there... or only children... [dupeetriclub] [ In reply to ]
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I'm an only child and I LOVE it! Don't get me wrong, I think certain personality traits go along with being an only child, but it's still great. When I was really young, I always wished I had siblings because it is kind of lonely at times. But I definitely loved it once I got older. There's absolutely nothing wrong with just having one.
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Re: Question for the moms out there... or only children... [dupeetriclub] [ In reply to ]
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I have a very similar situation to you. My husband is 10 years older than me. We have one child that is 8 and it works perfectly for us. Juggling 2 careers, our son and training, one was perfect and we chose not to have any more children. I have no regrets.

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