Okay. The rules would be:
A lap dance(or, optionally, a sensual massage) is acceptable during Ironman only under the following circumstances:
- Both the dancer and the 'patron' must be registered participants in the race. Otherwise, this would violate the outside assistance rule.
- Alternatively, the race could provide male and female volunteer lap dancers. In this case, the racer receiving the lap dance would be expected to have a large wad of singles in their Special Needs and transition bags to provide tips for the dancer.
- If both the dancer and the patron are competing in the race, a lap dance may only be performed after the swim, in T1, T2, or on the run. A competitor may not give a lap dance during the bike portion of the event because technically they would not be riding the bike at that time. Perhaps the rules could be modified to accomodate a tandem bicycle.
- If the race were to provide lap dancers, they would be available in T1, T2, and at aid stations on the run. Participants would be expected to tip generously, and the aid stations would have a three Gatorade minimum, with each Gatorade costing $14.
The final rule:
No competitor receiving a lap dance or sensual massage may receive a 'happy finish.' This is Ironman, the only finish is the one 140.6 miles from the start. The recipient may, however receive a hard slap across the face after their lap dance to get them back in the mindset needed to complete the race. That mindset being that they just paid a lot of money to feel a great deal of pain.
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