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"Next you'll tell me you want to do another IM"
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WTF! I cannot believe I had this conversation with my hubby today (and he's done 2 IM distances with me pre-kid so you would think he would understand). I'm doing my first Sprint Tri in 3 years next week (on super minimal training) and I told him that I was thinking about doing a local Oly in August. I was also telling him that I had been reading IMCDA post race reports and while reading I was having "missing it" feelings. My compromise (and decision) with having little one's and wanting to spend quality time as a family together is to choose shorter distance events. So when he says to me, "You're just getting all crazy because those women on that forum you read are making you want to race and be all competitive again. You're telling me now you want to do an Olympic Distance, then you'll tell me you want to do Troika then next IM".

I'm so pissed off right now I can't even approach a civilized conversation with him on this; gotta cool down first. A part of me wants to say "SO WHAT IF I DO"...give me a friggin break. We've lived and breathed his fishing (he LOVEs to BASS fish) tournaments for 3 years....perhaps its my time. Yet, I still hold firm to my desire to spend more quality time at home and I would really be satisfied with just sticking to shorter distance races. Heck, I don't even give a crap about being competitive right now, I just want to participate and finish. So what training I do end up doing isn't going to be super intense and structured. It would be 'do it as I can'. All I'm asking for is some support, maybe a little enthusiasm for me.....usually he's super cool and supportive....not sure what his damage is right now but man he's ticked me off today.

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Re: "Next you'll tell me you want to do another IM" [wolffpack] [ In reply to ]
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Is he still doing tri's?

Maybe you should forward him to Rachel or Bree's blog - they talk a lot about their amazingly supportive husbands. Or maybe you should just give him a swift kick in the junk ;)


______________________________________
I know I'm promiscuous, but in a classy way
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Re: "Next you'll tell me you want to do another IM" [wolffpack] [ In reply to ]
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So I'm not a mom and my husband and I have a pretty independant relationship so I might not be the best person to give you advice but I'm going to do it anyway. Tell him you will be doing Ironman in 20xx and then do it. He's not the boss of you, your kids are. When you think they are ready then do it. You didn't mention how old they are but as long as they aren't dependant on you then set a good example and do it.

And tell him he's being an insensitive boob.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Jen

"In order to keep a true perspective on one's importance, everyone should have a dog that worships him and a cat that will ignore him." - Dereke Bruce
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Re: "Next you'll tell me you want to do another IM" [wolffpack] [ In reply to ]
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He isn't doing Tri's anymore. He started doing this when he was 13 and his last one was in 2003 (when we both did IMCDA). We had our first daughter in 2004 and our second in 2006 (they are 3 and 2 1/2). At one point it was "our thing"; training, racing with one another. It was our quality time we spent with one another (training). He has ZERO interest in doing Tri's though (hates running). It's his own damn fault. The year we were married he says, "hey, you are a swimmer and a runner, want to try a Triathlon"....after my 1st one I was hooked. Running is my first passion but there is something about taking your body to the edge of Triathlon and back that feeds my spirit.

I'm going to turn 36 this summer and when I'm 40 I will do another IM if I haven't done one earlier than that. But...I will NOT let go of my desire to do something that feeds my spirit. I would be dishonoring everything I'm trying to teach my little girls. So he's gonna have to stick it....I just have to come up with the right words to say that so it doesn't cause a huge riff between us and so he'll stop being a boob and be the loving supportive man I married.

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Re: "Next you'll tell me you want to do another IM" [wolffpack] [ In reply to ]
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well shoot if he got you into it then he is totally being a jerk.
stick to your guns, do the shorter races now (your kids need you too much for the longer stuff right now)

then put them in a tri when they are 5 and 6!

my boys are doing their first today (they are 10 and 12) but the youngest group is 5,6....it has become a whole family thing - the older one loves helping me train (he times my LT sets running). They race today, I race tomorrow.....

then your husband will have to go along for the ride!

---

cat
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Re: "Next you'll tell me you want to do another IM" [wolffpack] [ In reply to ]
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In Reply To:
Running is my first passion but there is something about taking your body to the edge of Triathlon and back that feeds my spirit.

I'm going to turn 36 this summer and when I'm 40 I will do another IM if I haven't done one earlier than that. But...I will NOT let go of my desire to do something that feeds my spirit. I would be dishonoring everything I'm trying to teach my little girls.
It's clear from this that doing these races is pretty important to you. Does your husband know this? if not, tell him and if he is in general as supportive as you say, that may resolve the problem. Appeal to his desire to support you, and if that doesn't work then at least you better understand the nature of the problem you have.
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Re: "Next you'll tell me you want to do another IM" [wolffpack] [ In reply to ]
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I'm a guy so you may not want my advice. I think my at and I are very intune with eachother. When we aren't, it is as simple as "this is something that I have to do as a person, please remember to love me for who I am."



"your horse is too high" - tigerchik
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Re: "Next you'll tell me you want to do another IM" [wolffpack] [ In reply to ]
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I can understand why his comment would upset you. I bet he's just afraid if you sign up for an IM that it will take you away from the family more and I know my husband gets nervous about that too. He ends up being very supportive because he wants me to be happy but his initial response to things isn't always great. Change scares him. Maybe if you do want to do longer races then you can sit down with him and work something out you both can be OK with. It's so hard for me to do lots of training with young kids but at certain times of the year I do more and always can work out a schedule with my husband. Try having a long talk with him about what you both want for your future together. I'm sure he wants you to be happy and have goals in life too. Maybe you just need to remind him of that. ;-)
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Re: "Next you'll tell me you want to do another IM" [wolffpack] [ In reply to ]
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I think a lot of this has to do with the male ego. Id wish for a bf/husband who'd be so proud I was doing it, instead of one who felt it was a competition...even though HE isnt in tris anymore, maybe he feels somehow wimpified that you are, and are interested in going longer? also I find that somehow even men with families have time to train, but women? we still train and are expected to keep on top of household chores. Maybe that is something that scares him also?
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Re: "Next you'll tell me you want to do another IM" [wolffpack] [ In reply to ]
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I can certainly understand how upset you are by this comment, but I think you have to approach this whole conversation with a calm, logical head. First of all, give yourself time to cool down. Do not bring up this topic again when you are upset. There is a reason he has said this to you. The way he said it was idiotic, but you have to figure out the reason he said it. My husband will be ticked off at something really stupid and will not say anything for a long time. Then, his frustration builds up and then it finds an outlet in some other way completely. If he had just said something initially, then the whole blow up thing could have been avoided.

So, once you are calmed down, find time when the kids are asleep to talk to him about it. Explain to him how important staying in shape is to you and how you'd like to continue racing, but at a much lower level than previously (at least that's what it sounds like you want to do). Figure out how many hours a week of training time you need and what impact that will have on him and your kids. Lay it all out in front of him. Emphasize how important this is to you and how important it is for your kids to see you taking time for yourself and staying in shape. Then, ask for his support and work through any problems he has with it. His problems may seem really silly to you, but if he considers them problems, then you can't get upset and you have to find a way to work them out. Find a way where you can both have your individual time to pursue your interests and you can also have some time together. You need to schedule time together in order to keep your marriage strong. Your tri training used to be that time together, but it's not anymore. You'll have to find something else to do together on top of what you do for yourself. (in fact, that could be what's bothering him - he's upset because you used to do training together, but you don't anymore and now you don't have anything that you do together)

Good luck with it. I'm sure you'll find that supportive husband somewhere under there!!
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Re: "Next you'll tell me you want to do another IM" [DawnT] [ In reply to ]
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Very good advice. My husband is usually totally shocked that I'm upset about something he said. If I can explain camly what's bothering me then we avoid the whole screaming fight that could have happened. That's always a good thing, especially when kids are around. I try to bring it up in a way that he won't become defensive like, "I know you probably didn't mean it this way but this is the way I took it".
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Re: "Next you'll tell me you want to do another IM" [DawnT] [ In reply to ]
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So I'm finally calm enough now to have a conversation with him. I think my 43 mile bike ride helped yesterday (first long ride for me in....a LONG time....years). YIPPEEE!!!!

He is quite the passive agressive type so I'm certain that there is something underlying his comment that is bugging him. Now that I'm not so pissed off, I'll be able to talk to him about it. I think it will help too that I made the suggestion that he go fishing this morning (that will earn me bonus points in the conversation later and will help him 'open up' since he'll be in a good mood).

Can't a girl just do a little swim, go for a bike ride and then run without all the drama involved. Sheeesh.... :)

Thanks for all your thoughts. They really helped me get off my Huffy Bike.

Leslie

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Re: "Next you'll tell me you want to do another IM" [wolffpack] [ In reply to ]
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They always refer to women as being "drama queens", but I think many husbands are vying for that title too. Good luck!
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Re: "Next you'll tell me you want to do another IM" [wolffpack] [ In reply to ]
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Just wondering how this all turned out... ?
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Re: "Next you'll tell me you want to do another IM" [dupeetriclub] [ In reply to ]
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In Reply To:
Just wondering how this all turned out... ?[/quote]
This is SO sad. We haven't been alone long enough for me to even bring up the subject. I tried to start a conversation before bed regarding 'other' stuff and planned on included this issue and was told "you want to talk now?" In his defense he does have to wake up at 5am for work every day so although irritating I understand. So.....my plan right now is to wait until Saturday. Two things about Saturday work well in my favor. #1 I'll be doing my first Tri (sprint) in 3 years and I want him to see what it does for me (even when I'm so severely undertrained its pathetic - but I don't care) and #2 after I'm finished my parents are taking the girls and we are spending the rest of the day kayaking around a local river (plenty of time to talk, I'll have a captive audience).

wish me luck. :)

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Re: "Next you'll tell me you want to do another IM" [wolffpack] [ In reply to ]
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Good luck with your race and with the chat! I know we're all hoping things work out!
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Re: "Next you'll tell me you want to do another IM" [wolffpack] [ In reply to ]
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Yes, I'd be WAAAY pissed off. But, you're right, cool down first. Then talk to him. Just because you have little kids, your life doesn't stop. DH and I both are triathletes. That takes a lot of juggling (and good early morning babysitters) but the one rule we have is we don't both train for an IM at the same time---for the sake of the kids. So, we basically trade off years or whatever. Right now I'm training for IMFL so the boys hang out with their dad on weekend mornings and then after I get home we all go do stuff. And, I'm lucky to pretty much have the summer off from work so that helps a ton. Just talk to him, explain that you need something for "you" (you'll be a happier and healthier mommy) and that you support his fishing but he needs to support you too. And, it's going to take some give and take. Good luck!
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Re: "Next you'll tell me you want to do another IM" [cuds] [ In reply to ]
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LOL.. let me tell you, Bree and I both have our moments when our men say crap like wolff's just did. I just keep it off the blog and email her my rant instead!

WP, sorry your hub had a moron-moment. Perhaps he thinks you're going to cut into his fishing time? If you seriously wanted to get into it again, he'd probably support you in it, it sounds like this was kind of a one-time dumbass thing to say kind of thing.

Hope the sprint goes well, welcome back to triathlon!

Rachel
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Re: "Next you'll tell me you want to do another IM" [wolffpack] [ In reply to ]
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oh, let it go. he is on his man period. just let him stew in his own shit and you make your own way. he'll be on board, you know what i mean.
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Re: "Next you'll tell me you want to do another IM" [wolffpack] [ In reply to ]
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So we went out to dinner last night and talked. He says he supports me doing the shorter stuff just not the longer stuff right now. For now shorter is fine with me because that's what I wanted to do anyway. But, if I decide to go long anytime soon....I see a storm coming. Whatever, I'm not going to even worry about that right now. I think he's just scared of me being gone all the time and jealous. The last time I signed up for IM he said "dang it, now I have too". Not sure why he feels like he has to do it if I do. Again, whatever...

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Re: "Next you'll tell me you want to do another IM" [wolffpack] [ In reply to ]
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In Reply To:
My compromise (and decision) with having little one's and wanting to spend quality time as a family together is to choose shorter distance events.

....

For now shorter is fine with me because that's what I wanted to do anyway. But, if I decide to go long anytime soon...

I assume you took this decision (to go short) as a couple before deciding to have kids? Do you think you have the unilateral right to change your mind? I am sure if you said to your husband that you're looking forward to doing some short stuff this summer he'd have been totally ok with it and supportive, OTOH when you mentioned how you read the IM reports and are 'missing it' he didn't hear 'I am going to enjoy doing short stuff', he heard 'I am going to settle and do short stuff until I get back in tri shape and then we'll see' which given your last 'if I decide to go long anytime soon' seems like he read you pretty well.

It's your marriage, your kids, your husband, so you are going to have to choose what to do, hopefully you will both come to a mutually agreeable arrangement and this will pass soon. Best of luck.
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Re: "Next you'll tell me you want to do another IM" [Marco in BC] [ In reply to ]
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In Reply To:
I assume you took this decision (to go short) as a couple before deciding to have kids? Do you think you have the unilateral right to change your mind? I am sure if you said to your husband that you're looking forward to doing some short stuff this summer he'd have been totally ok with it and supportive, OTOH when you mentioned how you read the IM reports and are 'missing it' he didn't hear 'I am going to enjoy doing short stuff', he heard 'I am going to settle and do short stuff until I get back in tri shape and then we'll see' which given your last 'if I decide to go long anytime soon' seems like he read you pretty well.[/quote]
Holy Crap Marco in BC I NEVER EVEN CONSIDERED THIS. Right after he said "Next you'll tell me you'll want to do another IM" he said "I know how you are". I never even thought this direction because I was only thinking I wanted to do sprints and Oly's.

Inside YES I want to train and do 1/2 and Full IM distances. BUT...on the other hand, I also feel deep within my heart that my little girls need me at home more right now so I'm more than happy and willing to put it on the back burner until they get older. I'll never get this times back with them while they are so young and I want to take in every moment. I have my entire life to do longer distance races. But you (and my husband) are right. When I get into shape the desire in me to push myself is hard to resist. I just have to continue doing shorter races to keep me satisfied for now until the time is right...and right now I know that its not.

Thanks for you awesome insight. I feel like a boob not picking up on that myself.....LOL

Leslie

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Re: "Next you'll tell me you want to do another IM" [wolffpack] [ In reply to ]
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When I get into shape the desire in me to push myself is hard to resist. I just have to continue doing shorter races to keep me satisfied for now until the time is right...and right now I know that its not.

glad to have been helpful, and if I can suggest something, which might or might not for you, is to pick a date in the future when you think it will be ok to train longer, write it down somewhere (journal? diary?) and then put it out of your mind and enjoy the shorter stuff... sometimes the act of committing/writing it down helps quiet the 'I wish I could do it sooner' kind of feelings you will probably get as you race short and start seeing IM-branded hats and IM finisher shirts around the transition area.

Also you might want to start a small IM-fund b/c I have the feeling that after waiting so long to go long again you might want to do so in style when the time comes ;)
Last edited by: Marco in BC: Jul 2, 08 10:30
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