I don't know how to critque writing, but I liked it and would keep reading if there was more.

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http://www.rdsupplier.com "making race directing easier"

The general scene setting is pretty good, though I find the whole Type A/ Type B, mom pregnant section a bit awkward in its placement, as it disrupts the flow of the narrative without adding anything. In a snippet like this it is difficult to say if that belongs here or a bit later.

I would question the use of past tense in the narrative - is there any reason you couldn't set the conversations or evolve the whole thing using present tense?

Punctuation - lose the hyphens - this is not an e-mail/chat. Good sentence structure should almost never require them.

You could also tighten the wording in places. Lose some modifiers that don't add much, try not to repeat whole phrases etc. The text will flow faster and keep the reader engaged.

For a rought first draft, it is not bad, mostly needs a bit of tightening. But really I would need to see more to give you some advise.

Note I did freelance editing for Canadian Geographic as a supplement to grad school. That is more of a narrative non-fiction style, so I have some biases.

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Jim
"In dog beers, I've only had one"
http://www.shakercolonial.com/
Creating custom made furnishing to your requirements

Thanks so much for your feedback, I will definately use your advice.

If you want to send a whole chapter - I can do a sample edit on it for you. It is a good learning experience. Biggest thing is not to take it too personally (hard thing for aspiring authors to learn - I always found it tough), and secondly, a good editor will be concerned on form and flow, and not content. Too many try to change the message. A hard thing for editors to learn is to stay neutral. Their job is to suggest changes, and you are completely free to ignore them if you feel it does not suit your aims as a writer.

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Jim
"In dog beers, I've only had one"
http://www.shakercolonial.com/
Creating custom made furnishing to your requirements

I am not an editor or an English major or anything even close to someone who should be giving advice to a writer. However, I do enjoy reading and you did ask for our opinions, so I'll give you mine. The setup to the story that you gave is interesting, but it was a bit predictable. I like stories that actually make you think. How about the kids playing a game other than tag? Something you've really got to think back to remember. Add some detail to the neighborhood that brings back things most of us have forgotten about that time. What music was playing, what car was the Dad driving, what bikes were the kids riding, etc. Put us in the story with more description of the surroundings. The introduction and description of the twins is also very predictable. Make it different and more interesting. Lastly, I think I would have started with the Dad leaving and then develop the rest of the chapter. Contrast the horrible fact that the Dad left (and wasn't coming back) to the wonderful day of outside play the kids were having.

Just my opinion. Take it for what it's worth.

The idea of having characters that are Irish twins (or triplets) is intriguing...that dynamic will be interesting to develop.

I do think the whole explaining of the brith order, etc. is a bit awkward in its placement--almost seems like you're trying to cram too much information into the firts couple of paragraphs. Let it unfold naturally--don't force your readers into a glut of information.

Along with that, make your readers work a bit...challenge them, don't give them Dick and Jane and their dog Spot. The eventual plot may be all fine and crafty and intriguing--but this is all a bit...mmm...vanilla? If what you're trying to set up is the "normalness" of the world you (the protagonist) were in, the actual "vanillaness" of it, to contrast strange events later on (i.e. dad abducted by alients wearing galoshes and humming Japanese kabuke music) then I can see where you're going with it...but you'd want to make it less generic, if that makes sense. Dawn had a right-on suggestion when she said make the kids not playing tag.

If your goal is to set a scene of bucolic vanilla-ness, do it without being cliche or overused. Does that make sense?

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mmm-mmm-Momo Charms
Handmade beverage charms, jewelry, and miscellanea
http://momocharms.wordpress.com

I used to do some freelance writing for consumer pubs but that is very different from fiction so take this for what it's worth. My quick opinion is that the details need to be fleshed out more to make the readers connect with the story that's being told. For someone who's never been to Huntington Beach make us understand what it's like there. Perhaps average middle-class is different then what is average middle-class in Indiana? Could you ride your bike to the local 7-11 or was there a highway nearby you couldn't cross. Did some kids have backyard pools (above or below ground) and could you hear the sounds of children playing in the water in the distance? Flesh out all the little details so that by the end of Chap 1 we feel like we know these people and have some sort of emotional connection to them. I would also perhaps flesh out the relationship with the father (or perhaps you do that in later chapters) so that we can understand the toll it took on the family not only emotionally but mentally. If you're trying to do this from the perspective of a child you could always say the fact that after dad left you sometimes heard her crying late at night or talk about a time she flew into a rage at something or another. Bringing out the emotions will also help the reader feel emotions for the characters. Course the hardest part of all of this is that you want to drop those details in subtly so it's almost like the reader "finds" these little gems that presents them with the whole picture rather than simply stating - we lived in on street x, had a pool, mom had brown hair, blue eyes, etc...

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http://smallfoodbiz.com
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"Show, don't tell."

Fabulous advice. :-)

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mmm-mmm-Momo Charms
Handmade beverage charms, jewelry, and miscellanea
http://momocharms.wordpress.com

Yes, thank you very much. I appreciate everyone's input. I have already started a second draft based upon what everyone has said so far.

I was about to mention show, don't tell as well.

One other thing with first person POV is to always be aware of how your lead character really would be thinking.

Awkward infodump:

I'm five foor eight, have short blonde hair, green eyes, and usually wear jeans and a sweatshirt.

_How many times would something like that go through your head in daily life? (unless you're a narcissist)

Creating a relevant time to use that description:

He'd dumped me, and it hurt. And I've never been one of those people that likes to be alone when they're sad, so I decided to go out to dance away my sorrows. I pulled off my usual jeans and sweatshirt, and replaced them with a short dress that showed off my long legs at their best. The barette came out my my short blonde hair, and I worked some gel through the bob to give it more body. Make-up followed. Not too much, but the mascara emphasized my green eyes, and a little bit of blush gave my cheeks a good contrast to the eyes and green dress.

I third? the "show, don't tell" advice. The reader should be able to "see" the scene clearly. What color is the grass, does it smell freshly cut, how blue is the sky..all that kind of stuff. Also, I've also been told that back story (mom pregnant, etc.) shouldn't be spelled out so much. It's not really necessary and the details can come out in the flow of the narrative-the same thing-show us, don't tell us.

There wasn't a lot of dialog, but when you do more the best advice I ever heard was to literally say it out loud. if it sounds awkward when you say it, re-write it!

Finally, not sure where you live, etc...but have you signed up for a writing class? Local community college or adult schools often have decent fiction classes. When I lived in rural PA I took an online fiction class at Gotham writing classes (http://www.writingclasses.com/) that was really, really good. Lots of great critiquing and the instructor was a published fiction writer who really nailed things.

I too am an aspiring author-it's on the HUGE list of things I want to do in my life. Although right now that is low on the list and haven't written for a while.

Good luck and stick with it!

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Bra Diva
Find a sports bra that won't let you down!
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I will take you up on that.

Because I read the newspaper everyday and my work I am used to thinking in the who, what, where, when mode. I am used to telling and not "showing" as a couple people mentioned I do. I appreciate that.

I will be honest, this passage just barely scratches the surface of the entire story. I spoke with my Mom for two hours last night about this incident, my childhood, why my father left and how it affects who I am today.

I am just beginning my journey and hope by writing about my past it can help me understand who I am today.

To go in a completely different direction, I say keep writing. Just get it on paper! I write a lot for work and a fair amount for pleasure, and the hardest thing is getting SOMETHING (ANYTHING!) on the page. Then go back and edit, edit, edit! Omit needless words! Omit needless words! Omit needless words! The editing process is by far the most time-consuming part of writing -- it's agony getting the first draft down on paper, but it's nothing compared to ruthlessly critiqueing and cutting out the crap you wrote. (And I write crap every day!)

Everyone's giving great advice, and it's advice I use when editing. But if you try to do all of this on the first draft, you may well end up paralyzed. Speaking from experience ...

Dictation is also fabulous if you end up not knowing how to write what you want to say. Just say it! (And, of course, find someone to type it for you.) It's easier to resist the temptation to edit as you go along. (Same is true for writing things out longhand, which is another thing I often do.)