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non athletic spouses and sig. others?
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Just wonderng how many of you are married or dating coach potatoes and if this is a negative in any way on your relationship?

Obviously there are a lot more important things in a relationship than just doing triathlons, but I feel much more tuned in with my second wife than my first because we have the same hobbies - triathlon, scuba diving. My ex and I had very few of the same recreational interests. I never thought about it with the ex, but now definately feel that's a big plus for my relationship being into the same things.

Any thoughts?
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Re: non athletic spouses and sig. others? [cerveloguy] [ In reply to ]
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Both my hubby and I were couch potatoes prior to 2003 (when I started on this long crazy road called triathlon) I definitely influenced him to start exercising and later to do tri's with me. He did my first HIM race with me (his second tri ever, crazy boy) and wants to stick to short-course stuff now, but gained a much better understanding of why I train the way I do, etc. (Prior to this, he would "helpfully" encourage me to be doing more speed-intervals and whatnot.)

Lately, he's become more of a runner/cyclist and is way less structured about his training, but I really appreciate having someone that will run, ride or swim with me when I need the motivation/company. It also makes it much easier to plan a long ride on Sunday when I'm not sacrificing precious "us" time. I definitely don't think couples have to spend every second together or even have the same hobbies, but I do think it's helpful for them to at least understand the other person's hobbies - in terms of what needs those hobbies fulfill.

My .02,

Michelle

------------------------------------------------------------
The beatings will continue until morale improves
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Re: non athletic spouses and sig. others? [cerveloguy] [ In reply to ]
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My hubby doesn't do anything. His idea of biking is riding his Harley. We got a treadmill and for the first couple days he tried it then his shins hurt and he refused to get new sneakers. He can't run 5 minutes without stopping. He is super supportive of me, though. I admit I'd rather have him with me on long training days and not come home to him napping on the couch, though. Worse, he hates housework and won't do it so coming home after a 100+ mile ride and seeing dirty dishes almost send me over the edge.

I try not to give him a hard time though. My athletic endevors came 5 years into our marriage. So far, he has run/walked 3 5ks with me in the last year and I'm hoping to get a couple more out of him this year. He is incredibly stubborn and won't do something merely because I asked him to so I don't bother anymore.

We've been married for 11+ years and we are happy. I'd still like him to have a better understanding of what I love about this but he goes to all my races that I ask him to and only complains when we have to get up at some ungodly hour and drive 50 miles. But, as soon as we get there he is all smiles and is a very good sherpa. He know how important it is to me and would never ask me not to race or train.

To be fair, he does stuff I have no interest in either. Specificly he is a gamer. Very different hobby!

I love him and he loves me. That's what matters.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Jen

"In order to keep a true perspective on one's importance, everyone should have a dog that worships him and a cat that will ignore him." - Dereke Bruce
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Re: non athletic spouses and sig. others? [cerveloguy] [ In reply to ]
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I consider myself incredibly lucky. My husband and I were 100% couch potatoes when we met in college. We both had brief on-again/off-again 5k-running-and-walking careers before I discovered endurance sports. My husband got bored being alone on weekends and decided to follow in my footsteps. He of course quickly surpassed me in speed and skill and became a very fast marathoner. Now he races road bikes and dabbles in cyclocross. Between us we've lost over 100 lbs over the years, too.

Our lives could very easily have turned out differently, and I can't imagine what it would be like. We have pretty different circles, me with my triathlon people and him being el presidente of his racing team, but we can obviously relate and discuss and understand each other's "hobby" very well. And when there's cycling on TV, there is no argument about what channel to watch. :)
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Re: non athletic spouses and sig. others? [cerveloguy] [ In reply to ]
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My husband and I were both avid rock climbers when we met, so we had that in common. Pervious to that I had been a swimmer all my life, though I wasn't swimming at that time. I picked it up again on a local master's team and started doing tri's soon after, but we still always climbed together, I'd ride my bike out to the crag and we'd climb and put the bike in the car and go for beers after, for instance.

Now we don't climb as much but he's taken up mtn. biking and has a passion for that, so though we don't do the same things all the time anymore he understands that this is what I love and I understand that's what he loves, so we make time for each other to do our own things, and time to hang out together.

So I guess that while we don't always enjoy the same exact things, we're similar types, if that makes sense, so it works out well. I don't really think I could be married to a couch potato, though...
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Re: non athletic spouses and sig. others? [Ariel] [ In reply to ]
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We have pretty different circles, me with my triathlon people and him being el presidente of his racing team

But there's a little bit of overlap :)

My boyfriend of 6 years was a swimmer when we met and got into triathlon with me. We took soem fun trips to races together. Since I've begun dating again it seems like I've been dating non-athletes. Not couch potatoes per se, but none of them would be out running at 5 am. One cited falling off his bike at the age of 4 as a reason he doesn't cycle now. 25 years and he's still not over it.....kj

---------------------------------------
Awww, Katy's not all THAT evil. Only slightly evil. In a good way. - JasoninHalifax

Last edited by: Katy: Mar 7, 08 15:35
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Re: non athletic spouses and sig. others? [Katy] [ In reply to ]
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[reply][b]We have pretty different circles, me with my triathlon people and him being el presidente of his racing team[/b]
[b][/b]
But there's a little bit of overlap :) [/reply]

HAHAHAHA. Yes, Ariel's hubby is the bomb!

I can't imagine being involved with anyone who is not athletic in some sport. (Doesn't have to be tri or cycling; karate and swim coaching works).

clm

clm
Nashville, TN
https://twitter.com/ironclm | http://ironclm.typepad.com
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Re: non athletic spouses and sig. others? [ironclm] [ In reply to ]
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I think it would be pretty difficult. My wife is a long-time swimmer and a good one. Even still, she started to resent the amount of time I spent on training when I first started triathlon. Two years ago, she did her first tri, and has been hooked ever since. Now, we both go out of our way to hold down the fort (with the kids, dinner, etc.) so that the other one can train. It's the best.
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Re: non athletic spouses and sig. others? [cerveloguy] [ In reply to ]
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i really can't imagine dating someone who didn't at least recreationally work out. it is just too hard for me to wrap my brain around people who literally don't give a crap about taking care of their body, getting outside etc. I train enough that someone who did not also do sports, would probably get resentful of the time i spend out there, since i don't do the training at 3:30 am nonsense. My boyfriend won't train with me most of the time (we have different coaching schedules around different races), but often we are training at the same times, so we're not taking time away from eachother.



"What am I on? I'm on my bike busting my ass for six hours a day. What are YOU on?" - Lance Armstrong
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Re: non athletic spouses and sig. others? [cerveloguy] [ In reply to ]
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well, he's no couch potato, but he thinks I'm nuts, affectionately so. His main focus is Karate -- at a very serious dojo, not the strip mall variety where they hand out black belts like candy.

He's coming around to the tri stuff but it was almost world war III when I got my new tri bike. He just can NOT wrap his brain around the expense of triathlon. He also can't wrap his brain around the fact we're not poor. (i'm still de programming from warped, mentally ill mother)

While I can understand him not wanting to participate in tris, I wished he was more interested in cycling. He'll go out for a shorter ride, but nothing more than 20 miles.....
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Re: non athletic spouses and sig. others? [cindyloohoo] [ In reply to ]
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My BF doen't workout, but he's no couch potato. His thing is dirt track racing, which he is very passionate about. He supports me, but doesn't come to my races (I don't ask cuz he races on weekends too). The good thing is his hobby is WAY more expensive than tris, so there's no problem with my getting a new Guru crono (yippee!). Overall he's a great boyfriend, and I wouldn't trade him for a tri-guy!





Come crawling faster
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Re: non athletic spouses and sig. others? [cerveloguy] [ In reply to ]
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High School sweet hearts 28 years ago...

My husband....I'd call him a motorized athlete. Me I've always been athletic (I was gymnast until mid 20's).

We used to have fun with our snowmobiles, quads & chainsaws. But as friends divorce those activities diminish. He loves yard work & helps maintance of my family's 96 acres. He's currently rebuilding a 1968 Mustang. He's busy 3 seasons of the year... He's not athletic...but he loves physical labor. But pretty much a couch potato in the winter.

Together.... we watch NASCAR , yard work, hike, etc. He's not what you'd call a "fun" person and I struggle with that sometimes.

He's very proud of me and supports what I do. He doesn't run/ride or swim with me .....BUT ....He'll drive to find me on country roads in the summer to bring me water on long run days.

Most important ....he accepts my many hours of training, traveling and racing with my male friends.

So to answer your question....
are you married or dating a couch potato........I'm married to a winter couch potato
Is it a negative in any way ....... 20% yes......80% no
Last edited by: oh: Mar 8, 08 13:33
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Re: non athletic spouses and sig. others? [cerveloguy] [ In reply to ]
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My ex was not much of an athlete and quite overweight when we were dating and throughout most of our marriage. I was a runner then found triathlon very soon after our wedding. I didn't think much of it as he was mostly very supportive of my athletic playtime. And, I'll say it then get me some Meowmix, I think he really liked having a thin and fit-looking wife. During the last couple of years of our marriage, he decided to lose weight and got into cycling. I was so happy for his improvement in health and self-esteem and was really looking forward to having a cycling buddy. Good Lord was I wrong! He became very competitive, aggressive, and downright mean about trying to outsprint me up the driveway at the end of our rides. He became very frustrated that he couldn't climb as fast or ride as long as I could and made our riding together no fun at all. I couldn't do anything right. If I "beat" him up the hill or at the "finish line", he would be terminally sulky. If I didn't, he'd say that I was patronizing and let him win and would be terminally pissy. Obviously, the problem ran deeper than not being compatible cyclists but our inability to communicate and work through an insecurity.

My fiancee is a fellow triathlete who swims, bikes, and runs faster than me. I really don't care because I'm just happy to have someone who is emotionally stable and secure with themselves who will also train with me. In fact, I think it's been really good for me to train with him because I push myself to try to keep up.

Ultimately, I don't think you HAVE to engage in similiar hobbies to make a relationship work. Bringing together two people, their baggage, their different wills is work enough. When it all clicks, it IS awesome when that person will go riding/running/swimming with you and got you a pair of gorgeous Ksyrium SL with carbon hubs instead of an engagement ring!
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Re: non athletic spouses and sig. others? [cerveloguy] [ In reply to ]
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I personally could not be in a relationship with a non athlete. I did my first tri the year we got married, but that didn't really change anything. Extra points to my DH for his patience though. He has dealt with a lot of nervous pre-race nights, and done his fair share of spectating.

17 years later, he is looking for a tri of his own this year.

I would have a hard time living with someone with whom I did not share recreational interests. At least, some???
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Re: non athletic spouses and sig. others? [cerveloguy] [ In reply to ]
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Yes, and increasingly after 10+ years of trying to make it work, yes.

Although I was athletic as a kid, neither of us were active when we married 15 years ago. 3 years into our marriage I was diagnosed with a severe case of sleep apnea. After corrective surgery I regained enough energy to start exercising again, and it became a way back to a healthy life for me - I lost 40 lbs, kept it off, and gradually worked up to doing my first Ironman last year. She grew up on a farm as a non-athlete in a family of athletes (both parents and siblings) and was dragged to an endless series of races. Since I know she's been a bit burned out on attending races of any sort I've never asked her to come with me to one except for IMC last year.

She is an extremely devoted mother /grandmother to her two 2 kids and their kids, to the point of neglecting her own life, interests, health, etc. As her kids have grown and moved out I've tried (with some success) to suggest that some interests of her own would be a good idea. To the extent that she has any energy (no exercise + gross overweight don't help here) she does a bit of gardening and some other light yardwork (activities I burned out on as a kid), and a work-related professional organization.

7 months of marriage counseling has been a mixed bag. The good is that we think a lot of each other as people. The not-so-good is that it has served to clarify how little we now have in common. We don't fight about anything, but at the end of the day there just isn't that much to talk about either. We're roommates with largely separate lives.
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Re: non athletic spouses and sig. others? [chrisesposito] [ In reply to ]
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While my Hubby doesn't do Tri's, he is very active. He is great about helping me with me Tri stuff...scouting out new routes to run/ride. He is my main support. We work together and are together most of the rest of the time. So my training time is my me time and also gives him a break from me :) We do other stuff together hike, camp and just stuff. He does come to my longer races but the shorter stuff is just me, that way he gets a break from tri talk and I can just focus and get ready to race. So it works for us that only one of us is in this time and money consuming sport.

Chris

2015 Season: American TTT
Ironman Louisville.
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Re: non athletic spouses and sig. others? [cerveloguy] [ In reply to ]
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So a couple weeks after I started college, I ended up dating this metalhead art major who had a real distrust of organized sports and athletes. He didn't understand why I 'wasted' so much time in the pool.

But he knew what I was doing was important to me, and he didn't miss one of my home swim meets in four years of college.

We've been together 17 years now. (and damn, that makes me sound old)

Working out together isn't essential; understanding isn't even essential. What is essential is that you support the other person even if you don't quite get what they're doing.

These days, the art guy is a runner, and we'll do an occasional run race together. I love those times because after all the time he's sat around at meets and races on my behalf, it's nice to feel like I'm doing something with him.
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Re: non athletic spouses and sig. others? [FLA Jill] [ In reply to ]
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Jill, that is a cute story. I'm glad you guys can share the sports now.

My DH had a "social" sports background (LAX, baseball, basketball) but had a similar amused disinterest in endurance sports at the beginning. He doodled around the periphery of me and my running friends until someone offhandedly commented that they didn't consider him a 'real runner'. A 3:18 marathon soon followed, and the rest is history.

But he is only now facing down the swim and the idea of tri's. It is hard for him to deal with results not coming easily to him.
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Re: non athletic spouses and sig. others? [chrisesposito] [ In reply to ]
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Chris E - that is kind of sad. You seem so discouraged. Since you have gone through the effort of posting the history here on the forum, do you need some ideas? It sounds like your wife might need to feel like she is more a part of things. I do not think two spouses ahve to share the exact same sport or recreation to be happy. But if I try an dput myself in her position, it seems like she might need to find some validation to 'equal' all the cool things you do.

OK, this might sound nuts, but since you mention she is a bit overweight this is what comes to mind. is there any way you guys could swim together? Maybe make it a goal to relay an open water event this summer? Or tell her you are sick of swimming, you need her to step up to the plate and swim the tri leg of a race with you. Support her through her learning and cheer her on as she saves the day and saves you the trouble of doing a swim leg. Age , gender and weight are not necessarily limiters in swimming so that is why I am suggesting the swim idea. plus , see "body image" thread, swimming helps build body confidence.

Just some ideas, i don't expect you to drop everything and implement them, but just an example of a line of thinking you might be able to adopt, and brainstorm accordingly. good luck.
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Re: non athletic spouses and sig. others? [cerveloguy] [ In reply to ]
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my dh is a 6'3" disabled Vietnam era Marine. he did his athletic thing forty years ago when he was a kid on Parris Island and those silly F14 phantom jets or whatever number/letter they were. couldn't love him more now if he had both feet & a terrific ticker. i love him for who he is, not what he can or can't do. it's not about the wrapping, it's the gift inside. he's the one for me!
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Re: non athletic spouses and sig. others? [WeRide] [ In reply to ]
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My husband played sports in HS -football and baseball. But now just plays on a softball team in the spring and summer and is starting to take up golf. He occasionally goes jogging...although I am trying to get him to do that more. He encourages my tri training and what's great for me is that he does most of the housework and all of the cooking :)

Team Danbury Audi - Triplet Mommy!!!
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Re: non athletic spouses and sig. others? [cerveloguy] [ In reply to ]
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Currently, I'm single, so no one to worry specifically about this question with, but in the past I mostly dated gals who were athletic. My last girlfriend wasn't really athletic (unless you counted getting drunk, flirting and text messaging other guys a sport! But really, I'm not bitter.)

My problem with a lot of gals I have dated is trying to convince them that they don't have to be rockstars in whatever sport or exercise we would do together. I look at it as time spent together. If I'm faster than they are (in swim/bike/run), I can still go out and do those with them and enjoy it. If they are faster than me, all the better! To me, it's about the time spent together, talking, laughing, etc.

I'm heavily into golf these days. I would love to meet a gal who golfed well, but mainly one who understands golf and appreciates it. Again, I take it seriously when I play (meaning, I'm always trying to improve), but I love to go out and play with someone, even if they aren't that good, because I want to enjoy their company.

I don't really like it it when a gal I'm dating say's, "no, I don't want to go do "x" because I'll slow you down or I'm not any good, etc." I don't really care if you are fast or play a sport well - to me it's just something we can do together and enjoy the time spent.

Overall having a mate that does the same sports/exercise you do can have pros/con's, but I think the most important thing is that the mate understands the sport you are in (or vice versa) because if they can appreciate what it takes (to do an ironman, to run a marathon, to shoot bogey free golf ... or whatever it is you are doing), then they don't resent it so much.

Also, I think if you are the "sports' person in the relationship, you have to realize that the "non" sports person may not want to hear about your training, racing, etc. every second of everyday. Find the ground that bonds you together the majority of the time and your own individual hobbies won't seem so monumental.

- Dennis
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Re: non athletic spouses and sig. others? [dreaming~big] [ In reply to ]
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....best post I have seen in a long time.
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Re: non athletic spouses and sig. others? [Dmcminn] [ In reply to ]
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I was a runner when I met my husband, a slowly deteriorating runner; he encouraged me to try cycling and now I love it. (Swimming maybe not so much : } ) Anyway he is so much better than I am, he's a fast runner; fast cyclist and above average swimmer. While we could never run together, even on his easy days he can't run that slow!, we do cycle together. When he's training for an IM, I do 80% of his cycling workouts with him. We manage it by having him pull me and by working my schedule so my hard days are his easy days. It works out pretty well although there have been times when I've gotten alittle frustrated with myself if I end up getting dropped. I have to remind myself that there are plenty of guys who get dropped by him regularly.

I think if you meet someone who really enjoys the sport then you can workout the issue of working out together sometimes. I must admit that at first I did feel threatened by the women who can run with him, there's about 3 local athletes who can do that. He runs regularly with the same group. But he assures me that he feels exactly like dream~big says, it's the gift inside that really counts. Being able to share a love of endurance sports at least allows a level of understanding that is helpful when it comes to the time and focus needed for IM type training, it isn't as necessary to be able to do it all together. I think however, reassurance can be a wonderful relationship builder.



Nor do I use punctuation in the way a child sprinkles glitter over a ribbon of glue on construction paper - Trash Talk
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Re: non athletic spouses and sig. others? [lesson989] [ In reply to ]
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When I met my booyfriend I wasn't that much of a "mover." I grew accustomed to being rather lazy due to illnesses that kept me down a lot. I told him that I wanted a bike because I don't care to drive so much. He thought that was a great idea and took me to the bike shop on one of our dates. He gave the idea of biking some thought. I bought a bike and about two weeks later he did the same. I was stoked because I thought "finally I have a man who wants to be active with me." Together ee rode at least once a week in the summer (I ride at least twice depending on the weather and work). Summer ends and since then, we have gone riding once...back in October. I think he gave his bike away.
Now that I am trying to get back into the fitness craze, he does NOTHING! I got him to do one 5k walk on the beach. He did but he had to take a bunch of snacks along the way. I ran the entire distance and waited for him. I run races, half marathons and do fun rides. He stays at home to do nothing. He is a golfer and doesn't golf unless someone calls. The calls come once every few months. I encourage him to get out and do more. It is too much to ask of him. I just let it be.
I am not his mother and can't tell him what to do. I just do my own thing and try to set a positive example. I hope that one day he will catch on but my fingers are not crossed. I always stated that I wanted to date an active man who was going to kick my butt out on the playing field. I still want him. I want him to be my current boyfriend because he is a gem. Sad to say, a lazy gem.


_____________________________________
DISH is how we do it.
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