TY for starting this. I'm coming up on almost 5 million miles lifetime. Keep in mind that for 12 years I regularly traveled b/t Australia & LAX, so this actually wasn't that hard, but I've been a road warrior (in various forms) for a LONG time. So a couple of thoughts:

1. Fear of flying is very, very real. I "contracted it"/realized it 1 year out of college---we skidded and almost crashed coming into CLE in the winter & my fraternity-brother next to me was in death-grip-armrest mode. His fear literally "lept" and I spent the next 7-10 years doing Lords Prayer (and I am not religious) on every take-off/flight. I am highly sympathetic to fellow passengers who are new to flying and/or scared of. I have handed out plenty of Xanax in my day...
2. I have only ever been nervous on a plane, outside of the above 7-10 years of take-off nervousness; earlier this year, flying out of SJC to NYC. SJC isn't my airport & I rarely fly out of there so I don't know any of the crews (btw, if you fly regularly, especially on a particular route with a particular airline, you will get to know the crews (very good thing)). This was a 7am depart, and at the last minute b4 first class boarding about 10 big guys showed up, like 3-4 of them 270-300 lbs and 6'3++. Not to profile, but yeah on airlines I profile and they definitely fit the profile. And it was obvious that 1/2 of them had never, ever flown before. Boisterous/rude/jackass-herey first and foremost (they may have been drunk, but definitely had zero etiquette training). There was one guy who was the "leader" and tried to keep his posse in check, but it was not happening. I was first down the bridge and I told the lead attendant "you might have a problem coming"....problem really was they heard that, and then full FU mode was on. The never-flowns got on the plane & didn't take a seat. The major-FU's guys were literally FU-ing every person that boarded, but most of their abuse was towards me. The lead FA gave them about 2 minutes of this and then TSA + airport police + a couple of plain-clothes literally stormed the plane. It was a shit show....it didn't help that the never-flowns did not speak english, so you have orders being shouted in english, with posse-leader (who faced a WTF reality check once he saw what was happening) literally screaming in farsi at his posse to STFU and sit down. Within 60 seconds it was over, but it was serious chaos during that minute. IMHO the only reason they weren't off the plane was b/c they were in first class. After the shit-storm subsided, captain came out & told them "you are on this flight, but you will never be on another XYZ airlines flight again". The seat next to me became occupied by a gentlemen who politely asked to change seats so he had the aisle, and who I would never decline. Flight itself was un-eventful--they all basically passed out. Disembarking was fun...they started up with the verbiage upon landing only to have TSA "greet" them at the gate for a chat. I doubt I'll ever see them on a flight again.

---

____________
"There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old's life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs." John Rogers

This was me as a 16 year old on an Aeroflot flight from some airport somewhere in the former USSR to some other airport somewhere in the former USSR. Back in 1991 or 1992. They smelled HORRIBLE, there were chickens loose on the plane and the bathroom was closed because someone brought their ferrets on the plane and let them loose in the toilet. There was also some crazy delay, where they let everyone off the plane, but we had to stay “near” the plane on the tarmac until the crew slept. But the old Russians freaked out when we tried to sit on the asphalt, sighting some Russian fable about fertility, making us stand or sit in luggage carts or conveyor belts in the sun. I was with a volleyball team and it took us like 48-60 hours to get home. I can’t remember exactly but it was nuts. We got home the day before the coup. That was an amazing trip! 2 weeks nowhere near Moscow. Home stays with Russian players, block housing, and fist fights between our hosts who had disagreements over politics. Very eye opening for a 16 year old!

---

**********************
Harry: "I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this."
Loyd: "I was thinking the same thing. That John Denver's full of shit, man."

Flying from Moscow to Siberia several very rough looking passengers were clearly and obviously smoking in the bathroom. It was like a relay race. FA’s said nothing. At first i thought maybe different regulations there, but when I hit the head it had the same no smoking signs you see everywhere else.

I have no idea if these guys were connected politically, criminally or if the crew on this flight just DGAF. Didn’t see it on any if our other flights.

People passing gas. Jeezzzzz. A few times so freaking nasty.

Copenhagen to NY......bathroom looked like someone aborted a term baby in it. Almost lost it, but had to go.

Lastly, always morons who don't know how to queue up. Lines winding into walking paths in airports with zero knowledge of the perfectly good wall nearby.

Before I retired I did a lot of air travel.

Flying into Barcelona the woman next to me thought we were ditching in the sea (we were turning round to land!). I went from fast asleep to thinking I was dying in 0.5 seconds.

Fox coat lady on a flight into Milan decided she was more important than anyone else and wanted special attention from FA including being allowed off before anyone else. Didn’t go down too well.

Flight into London everyone in 1st 3 rows was kicked out of their seats so Margaret Thatcher and her entourage could join the flight at the last minute. Was last flight out so we ended up being stranded over night.

Flight from Boston to London had 3 passengers on it. FA put drinks trolley out and said help yourself for whole flight.

Worst flight ever from Middle East to London in Business. A guy refused to sit next to me and insisted I be moved. Not sure if cos I was white or female but either way I wasn’t moving. Politely said no. He kicked off but eventually went and sat in coach. Got dirty looks from all the blokes for the whole flight.

What a great topic.

I fly about 40-50 flights per year; almost every one is domestic, so if I have a shitty flight, it'll be over soon.

Flew to Amsterdam last year and was astounded by how many people went to the bathroom in their socks or bare feet. As others have said, the bathrooms are NASTY!

I flew, in the exit row, with five members of the Seattle Seahawks. These guys were offensive and defensive linemen and they were huge. I'm not sure where they were headed, but they all had on their Super Bowl rings, which were also huge. I am in the financial field, so they had tons a questions about reducing their tax bills and they shared a few stories. They signed autographs for the other passengers and posed for pictures. Very nice guys.

Had a flight that was delayed for about an hour; we stayed on board and in our seats at the gate. A guy a few rows behind me fell asleep and was the loudest snorer I have ever heard. Even with my noise-cancelling headphones, I could still hear him. The pilots came back to see what was causing the noise and the gate agents would walk onto the plane just to take in the experience.

Flew with an actress that had been a "guest" on the Maury Povich show. One of those episodes where a woman tells her boyfriend that the baby isn't his because she has been sleeping with his brother. Not sure how true it was, but she swore the entire thing was scripted.

As I boarded a flight, I noticed the most beautiful woman I had ever seen was already in the seat next to mine. During the entire flight, she clipped her toenails and used a pumice stone on her feet. When I got up to exit the aircraft, I noticed my navy blue suit had pumice stone dust and skin cells all over the pant leg.

Flew a couple of times with Detroit's infamous mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick. When he flew, he was known for taking an unusually large number of bodyguards. If I recall correctly, it was more bodyguards than the mayor of New York used. Everyone in his group flew first class. One flight, the entire first class section was occupied by myself, one other passenger, and the mayor's group. A couple of people from his party were given seats in coach and he was a complete ass to the flight attendants, myself, and the other first class passenger. He wanted me and the other first class passenger to change seats with his coach-flying bodyguards. He and his group cajoled, tried to intimidate, and threaten myself and the other passenger. The other passenger switched, I didn't. One of his bodyguards said the mayor would make a few calls and have the FAA ban me. I told him to have the mayor make the call. While he was calling the FAA, I would call the Detroit newspapers. He might be the biggest dick I have ever encountered.

Compare/ contrast that to Detroit's previous mayor Dennis Archer whom I had met once or twice and lived next door to his press secretary and family. Nicest people that you could meet.

You are absolutely correct. I met Mayor Archer a few times while he was the mayor and also had an occasion or two to work with him after his term was completed. He was very gracious and a great ambassador for SE Michigan.

Interesting read in this thread. I'll share this about how even when you think you know someone on a flight, you never really know....

Earlier this year, I and one of my folks' ("Bill") were doing quite a bit of travel between IAD and ATL on a client project, and we spent a bunch of time together. We would regularly get the upgrade to biz class on our trips out and back. On one of the trips I see his wife w/him at the gate and he says that wifey's decided to make the trip to ATL this time and meet up with friends while he and I worked on the client project during the week.

He and I lucked out w/the upgraded seating again, but his wife was in regular coach. So I offered to swap my upgrade w/hers so they can both be up in biz class, and maybe sit together. Not a big deal for me, especially since it's not a long flight. But they refused my offer, and were insistent in their refusal. I chalked it up to the fact that it was because I was the boss, and they didn't want the "awkwardness" of putting me out. Upon boarding, he gave his wife his first row seat, I settled into my seat a row behind, and husband made his way to coach.

When we landed, his wife and I deplaned first and were waiting for him to emerge. While waiting she thanked me for the offer I made earlier, but then leaned in and said,
"Truth be told, I really didn't want to sit next to Bill, but the upgrade was a nice experience".

Ok, I thought.

A few minutes later, when Bill and I are in a car together heading to the client site, Bill leans over and says,
"Hey, thanks for offer to give up your seat, but I really did not want to sit next to her. At all. I hope she enjoyed biz class".

They divorced not too long after that. You just never know.

Flew with an actress that had been a "guest" on the Maury Povich show. One of those episodes where a woman tells her boyfriend that the baby isn't his because she has been sleeping with his brother
---

Oh, THAT episode of Maury. Glad you narrowed it down for us.

---

---

---

Take a short break from ST and read my blog:
http://tri-banter.blogspot.com/

Was in a similar situation with Eminem and his posse in 1st class to Australia back when he was big. However they were travel pros and could not have been nicer.

---

____________
"There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old's life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs." John Rogers

Used to be married to a DL pilot. Traveled a lot with him and for work...

I could bore you with the standard Indian guy with the horrible breath who fell asleep on me on the way to Singapore, or the Hassidic Jewish guys out of their seats and arguing / fighting with flight attendants as we are tearing down the runway at JFK to Tel Aviv, but no, have the "i was that guy" airplane horror story...

Despite it being the restaurant at the Four Seasons, I'm going to guess it was the oysters at the "last supper" in Australia that did it. Three hours about of Sydney to LAX on a 15 hour flight... Buried in a window seat in coach on a triple 7, just as everyone is nodding off in the post dinner coma, the rumble from down under jolts me awake. After the 3rd dash to the bathroom, I was able to convince my seatmates to let me have the aisle, and when things went plaid, the flight attendants graciously blocked off my own personal bathroom with beverage carts to destroy with impunity. At one point I was so delirious, I just sat down in the galley with my head pressed against the icy cold wall of the plane, and passed out until the next round hit. Anyhow, god bless those flight attendants. Finally stumbled back to my seat after 6 hours of hell and was completely fine by the time we landed at LAX.

I have not met anybody esp strange on a plane. I think I may have averted a few disasters though. Last year a patient comes to see me about a month after being released from hospital after a psychotic break likely the first manifestation of schizophrenia. He is in to see me about travel advice about going to his buddy's destination wedding in Sri Lanka. My advice, "Don't go" How are you going to cope with the stress of 24 hours of flying and what happens if you have a repeat of a month ago. He says, "I'll think about it" I say, "you should" Yesteday he is back to see me again for something else. So I asked him what happened with the wedding. Turns out he didn't go and the capper is the loving couple is already divorced.

---

They constantly try to escape from the darkness outside and within
Dreaming of systems so perfect that no one will need to be good T.S. Eliot

Similar story to yours, but mine involved salmonella tainting organic peanut butter that I consumed during my finals in my first semester of grad school. I passed out on my flight from CLT to PVD because I had been up since 3am dealing with dual eruptions, and then the volcano quaked me awake. I found my way to the bathroom in the back of the plane, and thought it would be great to just lean forward and rest my head for a moment to collect myself.

Fast forward 15 minutes later with the flight attendants banging on the door, I hastily finish, wash up, open the door, and...promptly pass out in the back of the plane.

I came to with a gentleman, the only doctor on the manifest, taking my blood pressure (98 over holy shit from what I remember), and the FAs on the line to chat with the cockpit to let them known my status then and every five minutes for the rest of the flight. Apparently I was a minute from having the flight diverted to an emergency landing and pissing off hundreds of people for Christmas. Whoopsie.

---

Level II USAT Coach | Level 3 USAC Coach | NASM-CPT
Team Zoot | Tailwind Trailblazer
I can tell you why you're sick, I just can't write you an Rx

I've traveled a ridiculous amount the last two years and have seen a lot of bizarre things, but the cake-taker has to be what happened in United business/first on a Newark to LA flight earlier this year. While still boarding, I'm talking with the woman next to me and I start to notice a buzzing sound. It keeps going, and I decided to check my bag in the overhead to see if somehow my electric razor had turned on. The sound seemed too loud to be that, but it was worth checking.

As soon as I stand up, I see what's causing the sound. The woman immediately behind me is holding a huge wand massager with the business end pressed against her lower lower abdomen. I sat back down laughing and told my seatmate "You're not going to believe this, but..."

I was flying from SFO to Munich for work. Fortunately I was working for a company that let us travel in business class on international flights. I was sitting behind an English speaking lady in the aisle seat and a non-English speaking gentleman in the window seat. They were not traveling together.

It became apparent after we took off that the gentleman was going to do his best to maximize his business class seat investment. He was quite enamored with the little bag of comfort items that are given out (cheap pair of socks, toothbrush, paste, ear plugs). I saw him snag the bag from his seatmate when she got up to go to bathroom. I don't think she ever noticed. Before the flight even took off, he downed 2 glasses of champagne and 2 glasses of orange juice and gestured for another round.

When it was time for dinner, he grabbed three of those little cups of nuts and the FA had to ask him to take only one until everyone had been served. Since I do not believe he spoke English, I think he was Chinese or Taiwanese, the FA was not able to convince him, so she gave up. I got my nuts, so I did not really care and this was becoming entertaining. Next, he kept reaching over his seatmate with his empty wine glass anytime the FA approached his row. I lost track of how many refills he had.

After dinner when everyone was getting ready to get some shut-eye, the lady in front of me hit the FA call button. The FA came over and they had a hushed conversation. I could see her seatmate was very interested in what was being said. A few minutes later, the FA returned and gave the lady a small package. The lady got up and went back to the bathroom.

The gentleman hit the FA call button and was quite excited. Since there was a language barrier, a lot of hand gestures and pointing ensued. The FA was really struggling to understand what he wanted. Think charades at 30,000 feet. Finally, the lady came back to her seat. More charades commenced with the lady in the middle of it. I think the FA finally was able to understand the gentleman also wanted whatever the package was that she had given to the lady. The FA kept shaking her head and I could hear her that he really didn't want it, but he was very insistent. He seemed to feel whatever another business class passenger got, he should also.

The FA left and came back with a similar package. The gentleman grabbed it and tore it open. My year was made when I saw him pull out a feminine napkin. He turned it over in his hands and seemed to be somewhat bewildered. He looked over at the lady who simply shrugged. He finally smiled and removed the sticky tape strip and wait for it.... placed it over his eyes like a sleep mask.

The entire section got to enjoy the sight of this gentleman sleeping with a maxi-pad taped to his face.

That's gold!

---

Eliot
blog thing - strava thing

You win the thread. That is awesome!

---

"You can never win or lose if you don't run the race." - Richard Butler

I travel a lot for leisure and have experienced and seen a lot of what has already been posted. Many years ago I was sitting midway in economy and there was a group of smelly Hasidic Jewish men sitting in the back. We were traveling from JFK to Brusselsand the entire time they were loudly going at it as if they were all alone. Flight attendants could not quiet them down so I got up and told them to shut the fuck up, which they did. Same scenario while traveling from Basel to Bodrum, only the group were drunkards.
Three weeks ago on a flight from France to Madagascar, the guy sitting next to me quickly scarfed down everything one his tray but the tray itself. I gave him my food and it too, was gone in a flash. Same happened on the return with a different dude. I understand flying can be stressful for many but airplane food is great enough to take off the edge.

---

_____________________________________
DISH is how we do it.

Surprised there aren't more entries to this thread. Having traveled hundreds of thousands of miles for work over the past 30 years, I have a few memorable moments...but I'll give you two in which I got to play a role - perhaps I was the strange denizen?

1999, flying from Washington to Baku on Lufthansa, we had just settled into the dinner service when the dreaded "Is there a doctor on board?" announcement is made. I see a young blonde woman a few rows ahead of me raise her hand and make her way to the back of the plane with a flight attendant. A few minutes later, a follow up call comes "Is there anyone on board who speaks Russian?" As a Russian speaker, I raise my hand and am escorted back to the crew area where there's an older Azerbaijani woman lying back on a bed in the crew rest area (pretty nice actually). The German doctor has me ask a few questions in Russian and I translate the responses in English. Long story short, the woman was suffering from a really bad case of heartburn and indigestion. I go back to my seat...of course my meal is long gone and there's no replacement in the offing. The flight crew took my address - I'm thinking I'm going to get a nice flight voucher or upgrade coupon. Apparently, the value of my assistance was four nice apples from Harry and David. I hope the doctor did better!

2000, flying from Ashagabt, Turkmenistan, we depart at the usual 0330 takeoff time on Lufthansa again. This time I'm flying out with a small number of US Marines who had come out to survey the Embassy for a security guard detachment. All of us had eaten in one of the few decent restaurants before the flight. One of the younger enlisted men had made an interesting selection at a restaurant in a former Soviet landlocked desert country - lobster. A few hours into the flight, he came to rue that decision, having spiked a high fever and puked his guts out in the lav. Again, a doctor is called and again it's.a young, attractive German doctor (maybe this is their version of the air Marshalls?). She pulls out the impressive Lufthansa med kit and, assessing the young man's condition - high fever, inability to hold anything in his stomach, quickly concludes the answer is an acetomenophin suppository. I will never forget the look of utter humor on the commanding seargant's face as he's trying to explain to the young Marine that what he's holding in his hand is not, in fact, a "big ass Tylenol" but that he's going to have to shove this where the sun don't shine. The look of utter horror on the young Marine's face was probably only compounded by the fact he was looking at the best looking woman he had seen in the past month in Turkmenistan.

There's about Frankfurt Airport - it's the international aviation equivalent of a Greyhound terminal. I've seen some of the weirdest stuff there - even after they finally shut down the ubiquitous Dr. Mueller sex shops - what is it that somehow makes the urbane international traveler decide that the airport is THE place to pick up porn?