Nope, your actions are your problem, her feelings about them are her problem.

Really, if the OP has an issue with his wife's eating, he needs to talk to her. Unless of course he wants to restrict her access to money and lock all cupboards and the fridge.

I see. So, if the husband has an affair, the affair is "his problem" and her subsequent depression is "her problem," right?

If I leave the toilet seat down and pee all over it in a drunken stooper, the anger wifie feels when she sits on it the next day is "her problem," right?

---

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. - Will Rogers

Emery's Third Coast Triathlon | Tri Wisconsin Triathlon Team | Push Endurance | GLWR

Men and women should be equal.

Sorry I couldn't resist.

---

They constantly try to escape from the darkness outside and within
Dreaming of systems so perfect that no one will need to be good T.S. Eliot

I like the way you think. Especially after a number of beers during the football game last night so I thought i would take that theory for a spin. Turns out, that is, in fact, MY problem. Telling her it is her problem is also, apparently, another one of MY problems. So, realizing I made a grave miscalculation, I swiftly pivoted and told her she was fat.

Gonna be a great day. Thanks LR.

This reminds me, I played football in college and my teammate was hell bent on putting on weight. Every night at dinner he would eat until he was about to throw up. It was both hilarious and sad as people urged him on every night.

---

"What's your claim?" - Ben Gravy
"Your best work is the work you're excited about" - Rick Rubin

Hi all, sorry for the delay in getting back. I started a new job, had some assignments to finish up, and was spending a lot of time watching Netflix with the wife. I wanted to thank you all because this allowed me to think through things and take this much more gently than I perhaps otherwise would (I haven't said or done anything thus far.)


Here are my replies to most comments in this thread.


*TriBanter:
I talk about this subject, my wife gets mad. It's better to work this through gently.


*Knewbike:
She seems unlikely to be depressed. She eats her anger and frustration at her work, and this isn't healthy.


*Sanuk:
Serious chronic illness runs in the family, and a lot of it is diet-related. She's in much better shape than some others, and she's aware of this. It's one reason she eats healthy (just quite a bit of it)


*Slink:
I think it's been about 9 genuine compliments for every comment, and they're about food and health rather than her appearance.


*ericMPro:
If I put out smaller plates she goes back for seconds. If I cook her the amount I'd like to eat for myself, she'll frequently look for more after the meal.


*EndlessH20:
I suppose I didn't consider the Women's because this is a pretty sensitive issue for a lot of people. I thought this forum would give me answers that considered where I'm coming from. Very sure she's not pregnant.


*Harbinger:
If my wife finds something I'm doing annoying, she'll let me know. She has no problem with 2-3 beers a week, and has very good things to say about my sexual skills.


*Dr_Cupcake:
Most of us think things that we wouldn't say to people we know.


*Fasterthanslow:
I definitely make less of things full of sugar and fat. Sometimes I'd like to be able to make a batch of cookies and have it last a week rather than a couple of days, so this can be frustrating - in that case I end up not cooking it at all.


*Kiki:
We do indeed have a burden of care. But that extends to loving that person despite their faults (and I know I have a few). There's a tension here.


*Brownie28:
I'm concerned about this actually. I know that the stress and restrictions of having kids might end up with my wife looking like every other suburban mother, rather than the petite and athletic woman I enjoy seeing each day. Your suggestions are thoughtful and considered. We try to keep well, so these work for me.


*Slink:
She otherwise looks after her health so I'm not as concerned about that. She just loads up the plate more than other people - it was at a dinner party we hosted that I realized just how much.


*chriskal:
Great suggestions.


*Jkca1:
It's unlikely to be self harm, but it often is stress related. She's talked to a counsellor about a few things recently which has helped.


*Gotsand:
Great ideas.


*BCtriguy1:
Those are all true. At the moment though it's just a few pounds each year. That place of love is still enough to poke anger, particularly because she recognizes the truth in some of the statements.


*burnthesheep:
Accountability is hugely important.


*Harbinger:
I don't want my wife telling me not to have a beer, and she doesn't want me telling her not to have a cookie or a second plate of pasta. If she told me that I was getting fat from drinking beers (I'm not, currently) then that would be fair enough in my opinion.


*JasoninHalifax:
I haven't brought this up in the last month, for good reason.


*j p o:
She's complained about not being able to lose weight. She still gets annoyed if I tell her she's eating too much.


*gotsand:
Respect, love, and annoyance.


*rick_pcfl:
She's always liked being healthy, and always loved gorging on carbs. There are some stresses (work isn't what she wants at the moment), but life always throws stress at you.


*JasoninHalifax:
I love my wife. I don't want a fat wife. I will still love my wife if she is fat.


*Bretom:
Fair comments.


*BCtriguy1:
I appreciate this, and know that I've responded the same to criticisms. I had much more of a problem with anger a few years ago, for example. Slow and steady with the occasional comment from a place of caring might be appropriate. Or it might just get her very angry.


*JasoninHalifax:
My wife also tells me if it's been three days since I went to the pool.


*j p o:
This is a triathlon forum? I sold my tri bike two years ago...


*Skipjack:
170


*BCtriguy:
You can value something but still have your behavior take you in another direction. Unless there's urgency or greater importance, it won't happen.


*edbikebabe:
Annoyed, not embarrassed. But yes, that's all mine.


*SH:
The problem is that I'm not fat. I'm reasonably lean, and I eat a really healthy diet. I don't for imagine she'll adopt intermittent fasting, because her current response is to eat whenever she's hungry, even if it's junk and she's eaten just an hour or two before.


*rick_pcfl:
You can't get run over in the pool.


*Moonrocket:
A group activity could be a great idea.


*Dr_Cupcake:
Nowhere in my vows did it say that I can't be annoyed. Neither did it say that we're not allowed to annoy the other one.


*fierceSun:
That could work. I'll suggest we go to the beach (we live in Australia) some weekend soon.


*NormM:
Speaking of mothers gives me an idea. Her mum has been on a health thing after a heart disease diagnosis. She's lost a lot of kilos and is now slim, and even started running. If I say something about how slim her mother is...


*RCCo:
Mostly good food. But take today for example; pancakes with butter and jam, a fruit scone that a sick relative didn't want, bread, a healthy lunch of noodles and greens, baked a batch of buttery madeline biscuits, and then a healthy dinner. It's not the meals that are unhealthy, it's the quantities and things in between.


I know that the things I eat in between between meals are the 5% between my goal body fat percentage and what I'm at currently.


*Shoff14:
I'm actually concerned that 4-5kg on her small frame now represents 10-15kg when we start having kids. I have friends with wives who are fat after having kids, and that's something I'd like to avoid. Most people seem to say "there's nothing I can do about the weight gain", when that's manifestly untrue.


*rick_pcfl:
lol


*Perseus:
One thing we've done together is the body scans. She thought she was in a good body-fat range, but to see that she was well above her range was a shock. It's about time we did those again together.


*JasoninHalifax, et. al.:
Not dead, still married.


*zedzded:
She's in another country, that will have to wait.


*j p o:
Wow, just wow.


*ACE:
If all else fails.


*RandMart:
Classic Seinfeld!


*JSA:
Thank you. I like to think we have a good relationship and can talk to each other about things that are important to us. But on this matter I wanted outside counsel.


*Edbikebabe:
Those are your words, not mine.


*JSA:
More or less.


*Edbikebabe:
"Really, if the OP has an issue with his wife's eating, he needs to talk to her"
Hence the reason for asking strangers on the internet for their advice. Saying the wrong thing is likely to make things worse, not better, for both of us.


*Everyone:
Thank you for your thoughtful and hilarious replies.

---

'It never gets easier, you just get crazier.'

My wife eventually came around and put a lot of work in the last 1.5 years to loose the baby weight. No matter what you do, if you don't have kids yet your wife's body will not be the same, in some ways you need to accept that or don't have kids.

I have an idea! Has she been to the doctor's recently? Maybe the MD would bring it up.

---

maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

The main thing to remember is the motivation to want to exercise and lose weight (not interchangeable but related ...) has to come from within herself. The best thing you can do is to support her through this journey (and it is an intense and difficult one, I have first hand experience with me partner) and to remember that any criticism from dearly beloved can cut very very deep .. so very important to be empathetic and tactful and super supportive and provide positive feedback to positive behaviours whenever you can.

I agree with the others that you can’t expect her to remain her (previous?) hot and sexy self forever and what do the vows say again? if she already has a bit of weight issues now, it’ll be a much more difficult journey after you guys have kids. Exercising is not always on the top of the priority list for busy parents and it’s best that you set your expectations now (be less annoyed) and remember those vows ...

Good suggestion to check in with the doc but if she doesn’t care about what the doc says (again, first hand experience with me beloved one) .. then you’re still stuck at square one. Support her when you can, if she makes comments that she’s not fitting into her clothes or getting turkey neck arms ask her for her thoughts, what she thinks is happening and what can be done to fit into those pants ... but never show that you’re judging her.

what does/did her mother look like as she aged?
that's a good view of your probable direction.
yeah, there are exceptions, but our parents are a good guide as to where life is taking us.

if i go a week without working out or eating bad, or both, i start looking like my dad, fast. he hasn't worked out for 50 yrs and has smoked his entire life. it's amazing, and scary, how fast our bodies change, for the worse, as we age.

---

ΜΟΛΩΝ-ΛΑΒΕ
we're doomed

I feel like this is such an interesting discussion and it has really had me thinking.

I grew up with a very weight conscious Mom but my Dad did not live a healthy lifestyle. Mom got after him about too much butter on his food or big helpings or smoking or whatever else. But Mom wanting him to take better care of himself did not change his habits. His declining health finally made him change his habits which is what Mom had told him all along. From my perspective I can't see how you saying anything to her is going to make her change because it has to come from her own inspiration to want to change.


Now fast forward to me and my husband. A couple of years ago he bought me a Fitbit because he didn't know what else to buy me for Christmas. I didn't even want one because I knew I would get all rigid about the numbers and that is exactly what happened until the stupid thing quit. I started logging everything and watching the calories in vs calories out. I put the fork down in a hurry when I start logging all my food and tracking activity and I am not even anything close to being overweight. It becomes a weird game of numbers for me but I will absolutely refuse seconds, sweets or salty snacks when I hold myself accountable by logging what I'm eating. So, he didn't say a thing, just gave me the present and I found my own inspiration.

I suggest you help her burn calories. Getting bent about food is just no fun. But exercising and doing activities is totally fun! Start planning and bring her with you on the adventures.

The adventures need to be legit. They should be a combination of endurance, nature and the potential for trouble, like getting lost or overestimating your abilities. You have to make it fun. The burden is on you to make it entertaining— tell some funny stories. Sing to her.

Because she’s more active, she’ll be too busy to eat. Also, exercising hard can kill your appetite. When you know you’re active, you feel more responsible for giving your body healthy fuels. It’s mean to give your body crap when it’s working hard for you. Finally, once she’s seen some results, it gets easier. Being thin and strong tastes better than any cake or other junky food.

"When everything goes wrong - that's when adventure starts" - Yvon Chouinard

---

"What's your claim?" - Ben Gravy
"Your best work is the work you're excited about" - Rick Rubin

Congrats on the new job! I hope it's all going well.

Someone suggested posting your question on The Women's forum. I don't know if you've done that, but I thought it was a great idea. As a woman, I can tell you that a woman's link to weight and her response to comments on food, looks, and weight are VASTLY, completely different than men's responses and perspectives. I hate to say it, but even in this day and age we measure our worth almost completely on our weight and looks. Some women have been able to move past that - lucky them! Not so much for the rest of us although we'll never admit it. It's a dark secret we keep to ourselves.

Any discussion with a woman about food, even if it's about food/health,not weight, is going to be interpreted as "You think I'm fat and ugly and don't want me anymore." Many of us can be quite delusional about our weight and health if only to protect ourselves from concluding that we're worthless and unlovable. Your original idea of "gentry trying" is a sound one. And as many other posters suggested, if you can't think of a gently strategy, then drop the topic. You may have to be the one who will need to change their perspective about your wife's eating habits if nothing else works.

May I suggest an indirect strategy of focusing on your eating? What if you told your wife you were worried about your health and you wanted to cut sugar/fat/meat/whatever from your diet? Again, as a typical woman in a marriage, I always feel responsible for making sure my husband eats well. I prepare all meals, do the grocery shopping, etc. It's probably based on a stereotype of woman as homemakers, but it's still a powerful driver. If my husband decides he wants to change his diet I transform into a Woman On A Mission. I go to crazy lengths to make sure I cook the recipes that suit his new diet, get the low fat/sugar/meatless/whatever groceries, etc. And of course, I have no choice but to eat the meals I prepare for him so I get the benefit of all this too. And if my husband wants to go for walks because he's worried about his health but wants me to join him, I'm all in. If I have to go for walks for my own health I'm less motivated.

Would something like that work in your situation?

you say this is not a physical activity problem. yet, have you considered buying her a peloton for the holidays? the marketing looks like it fits your scenario pretty directly.

Based on the commercial, the peloton might only work if the spouse is already thin and also documents on video that she's using it.