Good morning!
Well, I did the beer mile (well 1.5 miles. 3 laps, 3 beers) and figured I would give a race report.

So weather was iffy, overcast and maybe 65 degrees. Started to drizzle a tad at the start of the race. There was a good 15 people involved. Some in costumes and some not. I was in the speed category. It was not a day to mess around. I was going to slam beer like a champ and run like the wind....or so I thought.

The beer provided (sponsored by a pub) was cans of Michelob Ultra. Now, I am all about this beer as it is my beer of choice. Watery and not that high alcohol content. Good race beer. Only issue was, they were ice cold! It is so hard to chug ice cold beer. I knew that was going to be a hurdle. The course was also 3 laps around the block. One stretch was a bunch of offset concrete planters so you couldn't pick your line, you had to dodge and weave planters and people walking their dogs.

So the announcer says go and I slam my beer in 5-6 seconds flat, turn it over my head to signal I finished and take off. Now prior to this race I didn't eat all day but I did have a pre race beer because - well I was at a bar. The liquid of the Gods felt so good running down my throat into my empty stomach. I run the first lap at about a 6:30 mile pace, as there was no stretching and it was cold and rainy and I am WELL ahead of the next person. I did not slow down ending the 1st lap (which was advice given to me by the twitchers - but alas I didnt listen). I am winded at the 2nd beer. It was very hard to chug and breath at the same time. It took me a good solid minute to get the 2nd one down. Ice cold and not delicious at this point. I was about 30 seconds ahead of the next person - who ended up being this 5'0, 100 lb girl. She gets to her beer and SLAMS it. I mean holy crap. Any lead I had, I lost. She drank it like water. Was struggling a bit but I was impressed. I finished mine and dumped it over my head. Took off again. This time I tried to regain my lead so I really took off, no idea about pace but it was a dead sprint. By the last half of the second lap is when the carbonation hit me. I full know what a shaken up soda bottle feel like. A few purps and some scary moments of maybe vomiting but held it together.

Got to the 3rd beer and last lap. This beer was not going down smooth. It hurt. From the first sip to the last. Pure torture. It probably took me about a minute to get this one and not puke. I struggled. Then I see what I did not want to see, about 15 seconds after me comes the girl. Not only could she drink beer like a seasoned trucker, but she was also FAST. My fears came true when she slammed the beer FASTER than the first. HOLY SHIT! I mean I was disgusted but at the same time a part of me fell in love. It was a beautiful sight. A cute 5'0 nothing girl all sweaty in the rain, hair blowing in the wind, glimmer in her eyes, slamming that beer like she was at a college frat party. It was glorious. It took whatever breath away that I had.

I had about 1/3 of the beer left and she takes off. In front of me, in the lead. I will not get chicked in beer mile. I slam the rest of mine and take off. I am at a dead full sprint and I am dying. Jumping over the planters, up and down curbs, in hot pursuit. I catch up to her halfway through the last lap and pass her. I thought I was going to have to run and vomit at the same time, but she didnt vomit so I couldnt let myself. I get to the last little bit and did the over the shoulder check and she is not around the bend yet so I am in the clear. I cross the line in 9 mins and some change (total time). She comes in slightly after me.


All in all, it was the most painful and worst 1.5 miles I ever had to endure. There was a bar across the street with people for the college football games and probably 300 people spectating this and my fear was I was going to vomit at the finish. I didnt, thankfully, but good lord, I wanted too. At this point I am def a bit drunk.

We finished, i get my trophy, and decide to celebrate with another beer at the bar across the street. I get some high fives walking into the outside area of this bar as the game goes on and some girl buys me a beer which I gladly accept. She then asks me to chug a beer with her. OH NO, I thought. This is not going to be good. I can't let the people down so I compose myself and proceed to slam a miller light in about 3 seconds. Crowd at the bar claps and cheers and laughs at the site of me dying still shirtless with my bib on my britches.

I decide I need to go home. Call the Uber. Off I go to lay on my couch and bail on my friends because I was not going to go out to the bars that night.


To answer some questions:

My race equipment was running shorts. I was going to rock the speedo, but I could not find a flower pastel colored one for under like $60. I WILL NOT race a race in a serious speedo. That is weird. So I had the On Running Cloudsurfers, running shorts, a wristband to keep my hand drink ready, and that was it. Minimalist.

I did indeed miss the sign from the girl at the bar - I was bloated and really not feeling on my confidence game. She was in a cute little sun dress and a blonde little thing about 22 years old (I am 29, but look 24) so I could have but ALSO I am in the midst of seeing this girl who is also super pretty, independent, and supports me fully in my quest to not socialize,race, be selfish, and buy expensive items that I "need". I know me and I also know when to NOT f*ck up a good thing. Therefore, I decided, it was time to take my drunk a$$ home before I did something stupid. I deserve a +1 for that haha

I will see if I can find pictures