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How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent?
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I woke up last Wednesday in the middle of the night to my wife crying. Her father has been sick for a while. Mostly escalating muscle pain. They flew down to visit for Thanksgiving, but he had issues breathing on the flight back. That morning he took a higher than usual dose of Prednisone and apparently that can cause lung weakness at high altitudes. He refused oxygen. So he has been home, but never full recovered from that flight.

Last week he went into surgery to determine the cause, as they have been unable to diagnose. He had a heart attack coming out of surgery, and complete organ failure. His body has gone septic and he is in an induced coma. She left that morning by 5:00 am.

Her parents have been more like parents to me than my own in my adulthood. So this isn't coming from somebody who doesn't care for their in-laws, but how long is reasonable for somebody to leave their spouse and two kids under the age of 5. She is now saying it will be NEXT SUNDAY? My kids are asking a lot of questions, she doesn't want me to answer. At what point is it too much to tell her she needs to come home. I'm getting frustrated. Am I in the right? Or is this likely own selfishness or lack of empathy? In the last day it went from a minor thought to pressure cooker in my head. Maybe things will be better during the work week when there is stuff to do, and less time to think about it.


"In the world I see you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Towers. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying stripes of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned superhighway." T Durden
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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It's a shitty situation. You're damned if you do and damned if you dont.

Young kids shorten the acceptable duration as would other members of the family to help care for him. I would say a week, maybe two tops. It is unfair on her part to not want to answer the questions... "Grandpa is sick, we don't know what's wrong, and we hope he will be better really soon now!"
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [owen.] [ In reply to ]
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I think the oldest knows. I slipped, but caught myself, and the Rabbi approached us after school pickup friday. He was also at a birthday party today (his kid was there) and he inquired. Both times the kids were there.


"In the world I see you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Towers. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying stripes of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned superhighway." T Durden
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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Sorry that you're in this situation.

Personally, I would say let your wife do what she needs to do.

Easy for me to say not actually being a single parent and having to fend off questions...but I think in the long run, your wife will be eternally grateful.

Just my 2 cents
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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I agree with giving her whatever time she needs but giving the kids some info. Can you hire a babysitter to help with some of the kid duties, or someone to clean the house for the next 2 weeks, etc - people to do some of the stuff your wife normally does?

Proud member of Fishtwitch and the ST Grammar Police
disclaimer: PhD not MD
Last edited by: tigerchik: Dec 22, 13 16:50
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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How far away is your father-in-law?
Can your wife fly home for a few days and then back?
Can your family go there for a few days.
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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How long has she been gone?



---------------------------------------
Fruit snacks are for winners
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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I'm terribly sorry. Does your wife have siblings who are willing to come help with her father? I would try and give your wife as much time as she needs right now. Also, is there anyway you and the can take a few days and go visit with the kids? I'm sure she could use some support during this difficult time. BTW, you're not being selfish, these situations are difficult for all family. I'm sorry the family is going through this during the holidays. Hang in there.



"Though she be but little, she is fierce" ~Shakespeare | Powered by HD Coaching | 2014 Wattie Ink Triathlon Team | Facebook | Instagram | Twitter
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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I think it depends on whether or to he will recover or not. If it is definite that he will recover, then expect her home sooner. If there is a chance that he won't, then let her stay. This is her father and she should be with him if he isn't going to make it.

My wife went through something similar with her father, but it was terminal and we knew it. Still, with young children it was tough and I wanted her home. I let her stay and I am glad I did.

While it was tough to be without her, I got over it and there is no resentment that she wasn't there when he passed. She also has no guilt for not being there for him.
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [bmeer] [ In reply to ]
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Since Thursday morning. Before dawn.


"In the world I see you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Towers. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying stripes of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned superhighway." T Durden
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [timboricki] [ In reply to ]
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Virginia. We live in Florida. No family here. All up there.


"In the world I see you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Towers. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying stripes of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned superhighway." T Durden
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [kmh1225] [ In reply to ]
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Her whole family is within an hour and a half. Her sister, her and her mother have been rotating.


"In the world I see you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Towers. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying stripes of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned superhighway." T Durden
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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First, I am socially inept if I say anything offensive or bothersome, sorry I don't mean to be rude here.

From your description, it sounds like this could be the end? would you really want her leaving if it is?

It does not sound like this is an issue of financial need. I don't understand why you would not tell the kids Grandpa is sick and mommy went down to help make him and grandma feel better, when grampa is better she will be back.

Since you mention Rabbi I assume you are Jewish, so Christmas may not be a big issue. Yes to me you are lacking empathy, If this were a simple knee or hip surgery then sure a few days a week. But it sounds like this is bigger, and needs what ever time it takes.

Just my opinion with limited knowledge of the situation.

Just Triing

Triathlete since 9:56:39 AM EST Aug 20, 2006.
GM employee, The views and comments posted are my own and in no way reflect those of GM. - Required legalize from employer.
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [rick_pcfl] [ In reply to ]
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To complicate things, he apparently said DNR before the surgery. He is a medical professional who happens to work at the hospital he is at, UVA. My mother in law confirmed he said something like that, but when told what DNR means she said he didn't say that. You would think as a medical professional he would have documented that.

If he did say that and wakes up, he will be pissed. My wife is worried about that. If he does, which is an uphill battle, he will likely be depressed the rest of his life.


"In the world I see you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Towers. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying stripes of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned superhighway." T Durden
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [kmh1225] [ In reply to ]
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"I would try and give your wife as much time as she needs right now."


X 2
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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Sorry to hear, but I also agree that you should give your wife all the time she needs. Its her dad so be as supportive as you can and don't put pressure on her to come home until she's ready.

You can handle your own cooking and being alone for awhile with the kids big guy. After all you've got 23 guns in the house to keep you safe.:-)
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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Same caveat as DavHamm above: if I'm a dick, I didn't mean to be.

I myself spend about a month in hospital a couple of years ago. The hospital I stayed in was a specialized trauma hospital and about an hour's drive from our house, with no traffic. Since that's a myth, my wife usually spend about 2 hours down to see me and about 3 back home. The result was that she had to farm our kids (7 and 5 at the time) out to various friends, everyday after school, and sometimes before school as well. She would typically be home just in time to put them to bed, but there were days she missed that to. The moments she did see our kids, she was irritable, tired, and generally a mess.

But my kids dealt with it. And I think they did because they knew what was going on. And having lived through that, they're better human beings. They understand that life is not all sunshine and roses and cool gifts for christmas, but that crises happen. And that you have to grit your teeth and deal with it, but that a lot of people who you didn't expect it from will be there to help you. So even if I would have preferred that the entire thing didn't happen, I don't see it as a completely negative experience for my kids, especially in the long run.

Applying that to your situation, I'd say that I would ignore what your wife said, tell your kids that mom is gone because she loves grandpa very much, that grandpa may be dying, and that it is important for her to be there. And you deal with single parenthood for a couple of weeks. All three of you will manage.

Citizen of the world, former drunkard. Resident Traumatic Brain Injury advocate.
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [owen.] [ In reply to ]
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Sorry to hear, don't rush her ( aka don't ask her when she is coming ) if you rush her and she come home and passes you will bear the brunt of her emotions.

___________________________________________
http://en.wikipedia.org/...eoesophageal_fistula
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cerebral_palsy
Canadian Record Holder 35-39M & 40-44M - 200 m Butterfly (LCM)
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [Jan de Visser] [ In reply to ]
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Kinda like the seven weeks my youngest spent at Alberta Childrens Hospital. I took the whole time off looking after my 3 year old son and my wife who was recovering from almost bleeding to death.

___________________________________________
http://en.wikipedia.org/...eoesophageal_fistula
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cerebral_palsy
Canadian Record Holder 35-39M & 40-44M - 200 m Butterfly (LCM)
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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TheForge wrote:
Since Thursday morning. Before dawn.

If its only been like 3 days I think you're way over reacting.
I remember when my Gpa (we were very close) had a massive stroke in 2003. It was terrible for the family. He had a quintuple bypass in 2006 I think. He was in a medically induced coma for about a month and my family went up their almost daily, 45-60minute drive. I was 5hrs away and couldn't make it down much but wish I did. He finally passed after having a massive brain stem stroke 3 years ago.
I think you give her the time she needs on this. Everyone has different ways of dealing with things like this. Just bc you would deal with it one way isn't going to be the same as her. Everyone grieves differently.



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Fruit snacks are for winners
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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Giver her all the time she needs and inform the kids of what is going on and why mother is not around. Every person deals with illness differently and this needs to be respected especially in your case.
A few months ago my father was in a lot of pain and in quick decline only to find out his kidney was failing due to hydronephrosis. After spending 9 days in the hospital and very weak (136 lbs.), we decided he needed to move into the house with me. I am able to watch over and take care of him in a way that he trusts and understands. It is a lot of work but my job, I believe. People in my circle know that my time is my time when dealing with my father and pressure me none.


_____________________________________
DISH is how we do it.
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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How can you be frustrated after taking care of your children for only 4 days? Seriously? You need to HTFU and support your wife right now. It's not that hard to take care of children on your own. Single parent families do it all the time, 24/7. Certainly you can handle it for a week or two. Your wife needs to be with her father right now. Just be quiet, tell her everything is fine at home and let her come home when she feels she is ready.
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [DawnT] [ In reply to ]
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DawnT wrote:
How can you be frustrated after taking care of your children for only 4 days? Seriously? You need to HTFU and support your wife right now. It's not that hard to take care of children on your own. Single parent families do it all the time, 24/7. Certainly you can handle it for a week or two. Your wife needs to be with her father right now. Just be quiet, tell her everything is fine at home and let her come home when she feels she is ready.

What Dawn said. You come across as an ass. But I come from the place where my mom went into the hospital and passed before I could get there.

clm
Nashville, TN
https://twitter.com/ironclm | http://ironclm.typepad.com
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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TheForge wrote:
Virginia. We live in Florida. No family here. All up there.

I don't know your financial or employment situation.
How long is the drive? 9-12 hours?
Are you off of work at all over the holiday? Can you take some time off?
Pack the kids in the car at around 7pm. They'll sleep in the car. You will need coffee and a nap when you arrive.
Go visit your wife. I bet she is aching to see her children. Stay for a few days or a few hours. Whatever feels right.
Drive home. Work for a few days. And then drive back again the next time you are off of work.

Yep- It will suck. Long car rides with kids is terrible. But your wife is losing her father. If not soon - It will happen in the near future anyway. Support her. Support her family.
But - That is what families are for. When things sucks - Families get together and deal with things together. You will either cheer each other up or you will be sad together. But the point is for you to be together.

If you can't afford it - Too bad. Rack up your credit cards. Spend your savings. Spend it on babysitters. Spend it on plane tickets. Spend it on hotel rooms. Support your wife and her family. They are your family too.
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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You'll figure it out. You'll be able to make it work, even if imperfectly.

End of life care is terribly difficult for all involved because there's no roadmap and this makes it challenging to manage it logically. This is one of those instances where unconditional, graceful support of your wife and her situation will only help. It's what marriage is really made of. Take care.
Last edited by: kiki: Dec 23, 13 3:59
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [cerveloguy] [ In reply to ]
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X3 on giving her the time she needs. I've been on both ends of this where my wife had an unexpected death in her family a few years back and had to go down to FL for a week, and I was home with our daughter (2 yr old at the time). She did the same for me when my dad was sick last year and my siblings and I were rotating through in helping take care of him before he passed. It can be tough and stressful at times, but it's the best you can do for her.



"You can never win or lose if you don't run the race." - Richard Butler

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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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How do I put this delicately? Hmm, can't. If my wife called and told me I needed to come home from my possibly dying parent's bedside after 4 days I would tell her to go fuck herself. This is one of those things that can't be taken back. Don't say anything at all that will make her feel even worse than she already does. You can tell her that you miss her and hope she can be back soon, but no way you go anywhere near a guilt trip.

We are so fucked.
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [j p o] [ In reply to ]
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I didn't say anything, she knew I was frustrated, but we both agreed it was the kids being a handful. We'll get through this. I think with the weekend there was just too much time to dwell on things, too much fighting between my 4 and 2 year old.

I'm not very close to my parents, so the concept of leaving for an extended period of time to care for a parent is somewhat an alien concept to me. But when things settled down for the weekend, I was able to put it in perspective.


"In the world I see you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Towers. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying stripes of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned superhighway." T Durden
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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TheForge wrote:
I didn't say anything, she knew I was frustrated, but we both agreed it was the kids being a handful. We'll get through this. I think with the weekend there was just too much time to dwell on things, too much fighting between my 4 and 2 year old.

I'm not very close to my parents, so the concept of leaving for an extended period of time to care for a parent is somewhat an alien concept to me. But when things settled down for the weekend, I was able to put it in perspective.

The wonders of the internet. You get to float your bad idea out there and have people keep you from doing something stupid. :)

We are so fucked.
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [j p o] [ In reply to ]
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j p o wrote:
TheForge wrote:
I didn't say anything, she knew I was frustrated, but we both agreed it was the kids being a handful. We'll get through this. I think with the weekend there was just too much time to dwell on things, too much fighting between my 4 and 2 year old.

I'm not very close to my parents, so the concept of leaving for an extended period of time to care for a parent is somewhat an alien concept to me. But when things settled down for the weekend, I was able to put it in perspective.


The wonders of the internet. You get to float your bad idea out there and have people keep you from doing something stupid. :)

It was more for my own catharsis. I know how to lead and manage people, not raise two boys.


"In the world I see you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Towers. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying stripes of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned superhighway." T Durden
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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TheForge wrote:
j p o wrote:
TheForge wrote:
I didn't say anything, she knew I was frustrated, but we both agreed it was the kids being a handful. We'll get through this. I think with the weekend there was just too much time to dwell on things, too much fighting between my 4 and 2 year old.

I'm not very close to my parents, so the concept of leaving for an extended period of time to care for a parent is somewhat an alien concept to me. But when things settled down for the weekend, I was able to put it in perspective.


The wonders of the internet. You get to float your bad idea out there and have people keep you from doing something stupid. :)

It was more for my own catharsis. I know how to lead and manage people, not raise two boys.
Side turn from the subject: you do not know how to raise two boys? As a parent you need to learn yesterday. Anyone who belongs to you needs to be taken care by you. Your wife needs to take care of her family as do you, on your own. If something came up or happened and the wife is not around, who is left to handle business? You! 2 and 4 year old kids can be a bit much but it is not an eternity and will change for the calmer so deal with it for now. Remember, they will have to take care of you too.
I am not close to my crazy mother but will take care of her as much as possible when the time comes. I know she would do some wacky shit if
I were coming to my end but she too would look after me.


_____________________________________
DISH is how we do it.
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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I've been through this...twice. Most recently when my mother in law passed away in November and my wife was at the hospital every day from October 28 to November 14 when her mom passed. I also have two boys.

A few pieces of advice:
  • You need to give your wife the time she needs. No doubt she has a ton of guilt being away from you and the boys. Support her.
  • Tell your kids the truth. Now. Especially your four year old. Kids know when something is wrong.
  • How do you not know how to raise 2 boys? Huge issue - you need to figure that out fast. Here's a hint - the currency of children is time. Give them your time and undivided attention.
  • Use this time to get to know your kids, spend time with them, love on them. You won't regret it later.
Last edited by: atl_tony: Dec 23, 13 9:01
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [travelmama] [ In reply to ]
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travelmama wrote:
TheForge wrote:
j p o wrote:
TheForge wrote:
I didn't say anything, she knew I was frustrated, but we both agreed it was the kids being a handful. We'll get through this. I think with the weekend there was just too much time to dwell on things, too much fighting between my 4 and 2 year old.

I'm not very close to my parents, so the concept of leaving for an extended period of time to care for a parent is somewhat an alien concept to me. But when things settled down for the weekend, I was able to put it in perspective.


The wonders of the internet. You get to float your bad idea out there and have people keep you from doing something stupid. :)


It was more for my own catharsis. I know how to lead and manage people, not raise two boys.

Side turn from the subject: you do not know how to raise two boys? As a parent you need to learn yesterday. Anyone who belongs to you needs to be taken care by you. Your wife needs to take care of her family as do you, on your own. If something came up or happened and the wife is not around, who is left to handle business? You! 2 and 4 year old kids can be a bit much but it is not an eternity and will change for the calmer so deal with it for now. Remember, they will have to take care of you too.
I am not close to my crazy mother but will take care of her as much as possible when the time comes. I know she would do some wacky shit if
I were coming to my end but she too would look after me.

I was using that as a figure of speech. I know the nuts and bolts, but not the finer points. I tend to be more authoritarian than my wife on some things and too lax on others. So when she is gone, it becomes somewhat inconsistent. For instance, they have been fighting a lot, so I gave them both a pair of my old boxing gloves and let them go at it for a few minutes. Problem was, it became fun for them.


"In the world I see you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Towers. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying stripes of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned superhighway." T Durden
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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TheForge wrote:
I was using that as a figure of speech. I know the nuts and bolts, but not the finer points. I tend to be more authoritarian than my wife on some things and too lax on others. So when she is gone, it becomes somewhat inconsistent. For instance, they have been fighting a lot, so I gave them both a pair of my old boxing gloves and let them go at it for a few minutes. Problem was, it became fun for them.

Wait,, why was it a problem that it become fun?

Just Triing

Triathlete since 9:56:39 AM EST Aug 20, 2006.
GM employee, The views and comments posted are my own and in no way reflect those of GM. - Required legalize from employer.
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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I feel for your wife on so many levels. Sounds like you are actually parenting your two children for the first time in your life. Welcome to it. No one knows what they are doing. It's really hard. Normal little kids are non-stop and do things that make you want to put pins in your eyes on an hourly basis. But, they are alive and healthy. Your wife's father is not. Let her be. I'm sure she understands what you are going through, but she needs to be where she is.
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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M brother and sister-in-law just went through this. She went home to be with her grandfather that she was extremely close to. She was able to be with him when he died and she is very thankful she was. She told me she would have felt guilty if she wasn't there to see him and care for her family.


If I was married to you and you demanded I come home I'd tell you to fuck off. The kids will get over two different parenting styles for a week or two or however long it takes. If you can't take care of your own children that's just sad for them. Part of being married is helping the other person through something like this, not making it all about you and how hard it is making your life.

Sheesh.

I know you wrote the send post about calming down but I wrote that anyway for when you freak out about a 2 and 4 year old again.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Jen - @ultragrrl

"In order to keep a true perspective on one's importance, everyone should have a dog that worships him and a cat that will ignore him." - Dereke Bruce
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [JenSw] [ In reply to ]
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If I was married to you and you demanded I come home I'd tell you to fuck off. The kids will get over two different parenting styles for a week or two or however long it takes. If you can't take care of your own children that's just sad for them. Part of being married is helping the other person through something like this, not making it all about you and how hard it is making your life.

x2

This is what marriage is all about. You do whatever you can for your spouse. I just lived this. My father in law died after laying in the ICU for over 2 weeks. My wife was by her Dad's side. I have five kids and I wanted nothing more than for my wife to be at her Dad's side and to be there for her mom. That was my role. I would never be able to forgive myself if my wife missed that opportunity to be there for her parents. My only regret was that I could not be there too.

I honestly cannot believe that someone would consider calling their spouse and ask them to come home from their ailing parent's bedside because kids are a handful.

Sorry to pile on, but, wow.


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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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TheForge wrote:
For instance, they have been fighting a lot, so I gave them both a pair of my old boxing gloves and let them go at it for a few minutes. Problem was, it became fun for them.

This sounds kind of genius. Give them some rules, let them go at it for a minute with gloves, then go to their corners. Of course it will end in tears but you'll have a blast in the meantime. (If anybody's nose gets broke you didn't hear this from me.)
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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It sounds as though you get away with pretty much abhorrent behavior all the time, why do anything different now? Why not just demand she take the kids with her so you can continue hanging out with your internet friends?
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [j p o] [ In reply to ]
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j p o wrote:
How do I put this delicately? Hmm, can't. If my wife called and told me I needed to come home from my possibly dying parent's bedside after 4 days I would tell her to go fuck herself. This is one of those things that can't be taken back. Don't say anything at all that will make her feel even worse than she already does. You can tell her that you miss her and hope she can be back soon, but no way you go anywhere near a guilt trip.


I agree with this line of thinking. I wasnt married at the time my dad was struggling with life, and my boys were teenagers but they understood I would do whatever i could to help my mom, so If i up and left for a couple days it just had to be that way. If i had a spouse at the time I would have expected nothing less but understanding of the situation.

I think if I was asked to come home I would get real pissed. I couldnt imagine asking someone to come home while their parent is on their death bed



---------------------------------
Hold my Beer and watch this!
Last edited by: dhyoung9: Dec 23, 13 11:57
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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Quote:
For instance, they have been fighting a lot, so I gave them both a pair of my old boxing gloves and let them go at it for a few minutes. Problem was, it became fun for them.

Sounds like you're doing ok as a parent :-)

Proud member of Fishtwitch and the ST Grammar Police
disclaimer: PhD not MD
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [saltman] [ In reply to ]
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saltman wrote:
It sounds as though you get away with pretty much abhorrent behavior all the time, why do anything different now? Why not just demand she take the kids with her so you can continue hanging out with your internet friends?

Its funny how the people who I have demolished in every political and economic debate here are piling on with stupid comments like the bolded. For the record, my post count was almost non-existent after she left last week.


"In the world I see you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Towers. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying stripes of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned superhighway." T Durden
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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TheForge wrote:
saltman wrote:
It sounds as though you get away with pretty much abhorrent behavior all the time, why do anything different now? Why not just demand she take the kids with her so you can continue hanging out with your internet friends?


Its funny how the people who I have demolished in every political and economic debate here are piling on with stupid comments like the bolded. For the record, my post count was almost non-existent after she left last week.

Wow once again we all bow to your superior intellect, but the world is pretty lucky to have idiots around who know how to parent 2 and 4yr olds for a few days without freaking out.

Just Triing

Triathlete since 9:56:39 AM EST Aug 20, 2006.
GM employee, The views and comments posted are my own and in no way reflect those of GM. - Required legalize from employer.
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [DavHamm] [ In reply to ]
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DavHamm wrote:
TheForge wrote:
saltman wrote:
It sounds as though you get away with pretty much abhorrent behavior all the time, why do anything different now? Why not just demand she take the kids with her so you can continue hanging out with your internet friends?


Its funny how the people who I have demolished in every political and economic debate here are piling on with stupid comments like the bolded. For the record, my post count was almost non-existent after she left last week.


Wow once again we all bow to your superior intellect, but the world is pretty lucky to have idiots around who know how to parent 2 and 4yr olds for a few days without freaking out.

I'm glad you recognize this, now if only a few others here would come to that same conclusion.


"In the world I see you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Towers. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying stripes of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned superhighway." T Durden
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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TheForge wrote:
To complicate things, he apparently said DNR before the surgery. He is a medical professional who happens to work at the hospital he is at, UVA. My mother in law confirmed he said something like that, but when told what DNR means she said he didn't say that. You would think as a medical professional he would have documented that.

If he did say that and wakes up, he will be pissed. My wife is worried about that. If he does, which is an uphill battle, he will likely be depressed the rest of his life.

Just wanted to warn you. My Aunt was in a similar situation with a verbal DNR and had a heart attack with organ failure. The whole family was very hopeful she would recover. When she finally was conscience enough to know what was going on, she had the doctors pull the plug. It took over 7 weeks from her surgery to regaining conscience. Once she made herself clear and they agreed she was lucid enough to make the call, less than 6 hours before she passed.

If it was my wife, I would let her take all the time she needs. If you don't already, get them into full time day care or look for a short term nanny.
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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TheForge wrote:
saltman wrote:
It sounds as though you get away with pretty much abhorrent behavior all the time, why do anything different now? Why not just demand she take the kids with her so you can continue hanging out with your internet friends?


Its funny how the people who I have demolished in every political and economic debate here are piling on with stupid comments like the bolded. For the record, my post count was almost non-existent after she left last week.

You set-yourself-up for this beatdown. You entered their area and tried to play a game you cannot. OUCH!
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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Be a man for fuck's sake.

Marriage isn't always a perfect balance between what you put in, and what you get out. Right now your wife needs to be the priority. Let her be... Help her to be. Any pressure you put on her now to come home (and help with what you should have no trouble handling on your own) could have life-long consequences to your marriage.

Her dad is dying. Show your wife the love and respect she deserves, and stop thinking about how it affects you. This isn't about you.

To answer the question from the subject line - however long is needed.
Last edited by: lakercr: Dec 23, 13 13:20
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [Old Hickory] [ In reply to ]
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Yes I did. Serves me right putting my personal internal conflict in the open and on the weekend. But I accomplished my goal. The responses grounded me enough where I didn't impulsively say something I couldn't take back. Means to an end.


"In the world I see you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Towers. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying stripes of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned superhighway." T Durden
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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___________________________________________
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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cerebral_palsy
Canadian Record Holder 35-39M & 40-44M - 200 m Butterfly (LCM)
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [realAlbertan] [ In reply to ]
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https://twitter.com/...967123918848/photo/1

___________________________________________
http://en.wikipedia.org/...eoesophageal_fistula
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cerebral_palsy
Canadian Record Holder 35-39M & 40-44M - 200 m Butterfly (LCM)
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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"I know how to lead and manage people, not raise two boys.""


I would seriously doubt #1, but for kids they don't come with an instruction manual. My kids are 24/29 so I've been where you are going. Expect to make a lot of mistakes as a dad because you will , just like every other parent. Look at this as an opportunity to establish an early bond with your sons while your wife is away and concentrate on this and give the wife the space she needs. The glass is half full, not half empty.



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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [realAlbertan] [ In reply to ]
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realAlbertan wrote:
https://twitter.com/realABswim_tri/status/415298967123918848/photo/1

WIN!

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Jen - @ultragrrl

"In order to keep a true perspective on one's importance, everyone should have a dog that worships him and a cat that will ignore him." - Dereke Bruce
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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Give your wife whatever she asks for in this circumstance. Make everything as easy as possible for her. First, its simply the right thing to do. Secondly, you could never take back this kind of regret, nor make it right after the fact. Your wife will resent you for the remainder of your marriage and she'll forever hold a grudge. Just like first impressions that you only get one chance to make, you also only get one chance to make a last impression too. Do it right and don't be selfish. My mother just died on Sunday the 15th of December. It was the hardest thing I've had to cope with, don't make this anymore difficult on your wife than it already is.
Best wishes,
Adam
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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TheForge wrote:
Yes I did. Serves me right putting my personal internal conflict in the open and on the weekend. But I accomplished my goal. The responses grounded me enough where I didn't impulsively say something I couldn't take back. Means to an end.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You are not the only person who has aired internal conflicts with the knowledge that a beat down will ensue. I'm in favor of using any process that helps one arrive at the right conclusion. ST is a wonderful tool if not taken too seriously.
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Re: How long is a reasonable amount of time to leave family for a sick parent? [TheForge] [ In reply to ]
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TheForge wrote:
Yes I did. Serves me right putting my personal internal conflict in the open and on the weekend. But I accomplished my goal. The responses grounded me enough where I didn't impulsively say something I couldn't take back. Means to an end.

Glad to hear it. Your wife will appreciate your support and will remember what you did for her and her family.

By the way, I agree with Amy - no one who is raising kids for the first time knows what they're doing. We all fake it and figure it out as we go. You're not going to do things the way your wife does them, but that's the beauty of having 2 parents. The other side of this situation that you're in is that you might just appreciate your wife a little bit more when you realize everything that she does day in and day out.
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