Dear Red States:
We're ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics, so we've decided we're leaving.
We in New York, Mass and CA intend to form our own country and we're taking all the other Blue States with us.
In case you aren't aware that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Md, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, Vermont, the rest of the Northeast, and DC also.
We believe this split will be beneficial to the entire nation and especially to the people of our new country called "The Enlightened States of America" (E.S.A).
To sum up briefly:
You get Texas, Oklahoma, AZ and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research, the best beaches, and we'll take all of the creative gay people you don't want anyway.
We get Barack and Michelle, Bill & Hillary, Andrew Cuomo, Elizabeth Warren, and Dianne Feinstein. You get Bobby Jindal, Rick Perry and Todd Akin.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.
We get Apple, Intel, Microsoft and all the smart technology. You get WorldCom, the Koch Bros, and all the coal/oil pollution.
We get Harvard, Yale, Columbia, UC, Stanford and Princeton. You get Ole' Miss.
We get Silicon Valley, NYC, San Fran, Seattle and 85 percent of America's venture capital and best entrepreneurs.
You get Alabama and Arkansas.
We get two-thirds of all the tax revenue. You get to make the red states pay their fair share.
Our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition states, so we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of angry single moms and deadbeat dads.
With the Blue States in hand we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines (you can serve Ripple at your state dinners), 90% of the best cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the US low sulfur coal, all the living redwoods, solar power, the Sequoias and condors, all the Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, UC, UCLA, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all the obese Americans and their projected healthcare costs, 92% of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all the Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, plus Rush Limbaugh, Glen Beck, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We also get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you very much. You get Appalachia…
You get the 38% of those in the Red states who believe that the world was created in 7 days and that Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, the 62% who are pro-life for fetuses but not for the kids who are actually born or their Moms, those who believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, the 44% who know that evolution is only a theory, the 53% who still believe that Saddam was part of 9/11 and had weapons of mass destruction, that Obama was born in Kenya, and the 61% of those crazy bastards who even believe they have higher morals then we do.
We're taking all the good weed too. You can have that crap they grow in Mexico.
Sincerely,
A Citizen of the Enlightened States of America
We're ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics, so we've decided we're leaving.
We in New York, Mass and CA intend to form our own country and we're taking all the other Blue States with us.
In case you aren't aware that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Md, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, Vermont, the rest of the Northeast, and DC also.
We believe this split will be beneficial to the entire nation and especially to the people of our new country called "The Enlightened States of America" (E.S.A).
To sum up briefly:
You get Texas, Oklahoma, AZ and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research, the best beaches, and we'll take all of the creative gay people you don't want anyway.
We get Barack and Michelle, Bill & Hillary, Andrew Cuomo, Elizabeth Warren, and Dianne Feinstein. You get Bobby Jindal, Rick Perry and Todd Akin.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.
We get Apple, Intel, Microsoft and all the smart technology. You get WorldCom, the Koch Bros, and all the coal/oil pollution.
We get Harvard, Yale, Columbia, UC, Stanford and Princeton. You get Ole' Miss.
We get Silicon Valley, NYC, San Fran, Seattle and 85 percent of America's venture capital and best entrepreneurs.
You get Alabama and Arkansas.
We get two-thirds of all the tax revenue. You get to make the red states pay their fair share.
Our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition states, so we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of angry single moms and deadbeat dads.
With the Blue States in hand we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines (you can serve Ripple at your state dinners), 90% of the best cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the US low sulfur coal, all the living redwoods, solar power, the Sequoias and condors, all the Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, UC, UCLA, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all the obese Americans and their projected healthcare costs, 92% of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all the Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, plus Rush Limbaugh, Glen Beck, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We also get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you very much. You get Appalachia…
You get the 38% of those in the Red states who believe that the world was created in 7 days and that Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, the 62% who are pro-life for fetuses but not for the kids who are actually born or their Moms, those who believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, the 44% who know that evolution is only a theory, the 53% who still believe that Saddam was part of 9/11 and had weapons of mass destruction, that Obama was born in Kenya, and the 61% of those crazy bastards who even believe they have higher morals then we do.
We're taking all the good weed too. You can have that crap they grow in Mexico.
Sincerely,
A Citizen of the Enlightened States of America
