I kept my name. It was easier. Our marriage certificate has both names, not hyphenated, but I am using only my last name. It's never been an issue for anything, plus my last name is easier to spell :)
oh, and my husband didn't really care either way...

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my support:

Pacific Multisport

i changed mine legally, but still use my maiden name at the office since i've been working here longer than i've been married and my clients all know me by my original surname. husband gently encouraged me to change my name, and i had no objection to doing so. no kids for us, either, so that wasn't a factor - i just considered it part of getting married.

at least people don't constantly mispronounce my "new" (it'll be 8 years next week) name!

cheers!

-mistress k

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ill advised racing inc.

My family has a history of dropping our middle names and keeping our maiden name in its place. So my legal name is now my first name, maiden name, married name and I like it. My middle name was Elizabeth which really had no family history anyways. So keeping my maiden name in there is really nice, I feel like I'm getting the best of both worlds without the crazy hyphenation.

I kept my name, partly out of laziness and partly because it just felt like the right thing to me. I'd spent a number of years trying to build some name recognition with my then-career and didn't want to lose that. Plus, I really enjoy the "reverse sexism" of them calling the hubby Mr. Draeger. Makes me giggle every time...

M

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The beatings will continue until morale improves

I got married to have kids, so I made my maiden name my middle name (as someone above did). Legally I am First Name Maiden Name Married Name. I wanted to have the same name as my kids. Now that I am divorced still works for me - I got a better sounding name in marriage.

IF I chose to ever marry again (and even 7 years after divorce cannot imagine ever marrying again) I doubt I would change my name.

I did not have mine changed legally, although when I filled out the wedding license application, I listed my name as Megan Marie DH'sLastName MyLastName (no hyphen). That way, the two are not linked, and I could go by one or the other, or both--in either order.

But like I said, I didn't change mine legally. I do, on occasion, use Gerst Rocker as my last name(s), but by and large I am Megan Rocker everywhere. I never, ever go by Megan Gerst.

I never intended to change my name when I got married. DH made a few half-hearted attempts to convince me to, but when I burst in to tears and hysterics getting the wedding license b/c I didn't want to change it, that was pretty much the end of the discussion :p

My thoughts were this:
1. I like my name. I find it rather awesome.
2. All of my work and whatnot is under my original last name. What's more, most everyone addresses me by that name (including my husband). Very few people call me Megan.
3. I like my name. It is the name I came with.
4. I think the tradition of the wife always taking the husband's last name is silly. I mean, I guess I can see why two people who are married might want the SAME last name, for convenience sake (or for a bonding thing or whatever)...I just don't think it should always be a one-way street. I don't care if OTHER people change their name--but for me, I think it's silly.

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mmm-mmm-Momo Charms
Handmade beverage charms, jewelry, and miscellanea
http://momocharms.wordpress.com

Depends on what his last name is...

If it is something like MacGhilleseatheanaich then keep your name, but if it is not that bad change it. In my opinion keeping your last name is sorta like a pre-nup. It conveys a sense of finality to the relationship.

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Heather Sweet
http://thesweetsadventure.blogspot.com/

I really like the last name I grew up with and didn't want to lose it. Hubby gently leaned on me to take his last name which surprised me. I hyphenated, as you know. If I had to do it all over again I would have kept my maiden name and not added his name. Swift is too cool to give up.

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Jen

"In order to keep a true perspective on one's importance, everyone should have a dog that worships him and a cat that will ignore him." - Dereke Bruce

I took my husband's last night though there are times I wish I had kept my maiden name. His last time is difficult to spell and is commonly slaughtered when pronounced. I am sort of traditional with these things.....

I know someone who hyphenated her last name and her husband's (both long last names) and regretted it. Every place from health insurance to airline reservations would get mixed up with the long last names and hyphenation so I didn't want to do that either.....

I knew a couple who actually combined their last names to make an entirely new one. I'm not married, but if I do get married I can't imagine changing my last name. I like it, and if I changed it I wouldn't feel like ME anymore. But I think it's fine when women choose to take their husband's name. To each their own.

My first wife never changed her name. She had an unusual rare surname and the name would die out after her since there were no males in her extended family, but the kids took my surname and used her maiden name as their middle names. My second hasn't changed either, but we never intended to have kids.

I have been married to my wife for almost 8 years. We are both 37 years old.
If she did not take my name, it would have been a deal breaker.

Ditto, except I had my tears n' hysterics a month or so before we got the marriage license!

Now that we're thinking about kids, DH has brought it up again a few times, but I just say, "No." He's not too torn up about it! :-)

People always say to me "OMG, what if you have kids" :o

My response is usually one of two things...for one, if we did, their last names would be like I did on my marriage license: First Name, Middle Name, HisName, MyName. NO hyphen. Gerst and Rocker are both short enough to use together. When they are 18, they can go by whichever they choose. For two: LOTS of folks manage to walk around with a combined surname as a matter of course in other cultures, and their heads don't explode.

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mmm-mmm-Momo Charms
Handmade beverage charms, jewelry, and miscellanea
http://momocharms.wordpress.com

Well, exactly! My parents got divorced when I was 4, and my mother changed her name back -- we managed to survive without any real issue!

Good idea on the birth certificate. Hadn't thought about that. Of course, we haven't thought about a lot of things yet!

Megan, if I married you, I'd take your last name :-)

I once went on a date with a guy whose last name was Running. I thought that was pretty cool.

What?!?? Really? Yea!

See you in September?

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clm
Nashville, TN
https://twitter.com/ironclm | http://ironclm.typepad.com

We're THINKING about it. No decisions yet. We really like the life we currently lead! Selfish, yeah, I know!

I take it you're making the rounds in September? I should be around.

my wife just added my last name to her whole name so it's Firstname Middlename Herlastname Mylastname (no hypen). She usually goes by Firstname Herlastname at work with some long time clients, but with new people, she'll go with Firstname Mylastname. Regarding kids, she's mentioned wanting the kids to have her last name as a middle name, especially because her family is all girls, and the name dies out after them.

I didn't change my name when married 7 years ago. I got married and started a new job all within a week so it would have been difficult to change my name the week after I started at a new job. (Really I was just lazy.)

No issues so far but last week i got a new kitten and the in the paperwork he was listed as Thor hislastname. Since the kitten is technically mine It felt odd. I assume it is going to feel odd when I have kids too but don't see it as a big deal.

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If you have kids, you can always go the Spanish route. Kids get last name of both parents without hyphen, e.g. Kidsgivenname Dadlastname Momlastname, with a further example from pro cycling being Alberto Contador Velasco. One other difference in the Spanish system is also that in marriage the woman doesn't change her name, and the kids get the combo last name from both parents. I always kind of liked that system, it seems a bit more logical.
Friends from Puerto Rico (use same naming system) have told me that applications (credit, school, etc.) are not set up to handle two last names without a hyphen, which can cause some bureaucratic stupidity (system takes last name in list, which may suddenly "create" Kidsgivenname Momlastname, while other forms or is typically known by Kidsgivenname Dadlastname).

I changed mine as it was easy to do with all the immigration paperwork done at the same time. His is easier to spell although people have trouble pronouncing it correctly but only because they don't read well apparently. If I didn't need a greencard to be able to stay here, we'd probably be living in sin rather than being married at any rate.

Is that a joke?

all my life I thought I'd change - my family name is SMITH for heaven's sake, and married a guy with a super unique last name, but hell, I grew into my name and didn't want to change it.

we don't wear rings either. :) kids all took his name, though they are now questioning why we did that.

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http://harvestmoon6.blogspot.com
https://www.caringbridge.org/visit/katasmit

this is the same in Mexico. If you don't have a paternal and maternal name, the form filler outer will just ask if he can add one in for you. I've had this happen all over. It is really hard to deal with forms if you don't have 2 last names. :)

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http://harvestmoon6.blogspot.com
https://www.caringbridge.org/visit/katasmit

I'd keep it. That's just me. K has her dad's last name. He wanted me to use his as well and I didn't mostly because I had my own business at the time and had a lot of business contacts that were key to the industry I was in (he didn't like that too much).

In Canada, hyphenating is a legal name change, so major hassle if you want to go back, but assuming your husband's last name is just that - an assumed name, so you are allowed to use both (keep your bank accts etc in your maiden name if you want, and have other settings for married name i.e.: social, work). Not sure if that's the same in the USA tho. If it is, you can use it whenever you wish. ID is a pain tho. ;-)

I'd say don't.

AP

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"How bad could it be?" - SimpleS

Nope. Not a joke. I have a great marriage complete with kids, my fulltime job, her at home with the kids, my IM training, her half marathon and sprint tri training. I am not an old school "barefoot and pregnant" type of man, but the tradition of the woman taking on the man's last name is/was a big deal to me.
We do a pretty good job of sharing the family duties. She probably wished I cleaned around the house more, but I do things that my father's generation never did (plenty of diapers, kids lunches for school, help with bathtime, make dinner most nights, etc).
When we first got married, she was still working and kept her maiden name on business cards. Once she quit work and we had the first of 3 kids, she is now Mrs. Timboricki.
We have friends in which the wife did not take on the husband's name. Wifey and I both think the husband's are p*ssies.
I guess the important thing is to make sure that the Mr and the Mrs have the same views on this. If the wife wants to keep her name and the huband is cool with this, then go for it. If the husband has initial trepidation, it might wind up being a big deal later. Much like most other things in a marriage, you need to talk about it.

Wow Tim, I think many might think you and your wife are living in the stone ages with thinking your friends are pussies for not demanding their wives take their names. I had my maiden name for 31 one years and I will have it until I die. I have worked too hard in my job, made too many contacts and have too many publishing and whatnot in my maiden name for me to change. Why should I? I am not my husband's property which is pretty much where the name change originates.

I live in a country that doesn't allow the locals to hyphen their names but does for foreigners. I can't even be bothered with that - too much time and money to get passports, visas, credit cards... all changed. Kids? They will get their first name, a middle name, my family name and then my husband's. Four might be a tad long but sorry, my name stays. Unless my husband decides to give up his but I can't see that happening.

Ah yer being hard on Timboricki... he sums it up well here:
"I guess the important thing is to make sure that the Mr and the Mrs have the same views on this. If the wife wants to keep her name and the husband is cool with this, then go for it. If the husband has initial trepidation, it might wind up being a big deal later. Much like most other things in a marriage, you need to talk about it."

That really is what it is about.

AP

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"How bad could it be?" - SimpleS

Thanks AP. It is all about preferences. Heck, some women won't date a guy that is "short", some won't date a guy who is "xyz religion". I guess if my wife really put up a fight about her last name, we would have talked it out and compromised somewhere. I was raised Jewish. She is Catholic. I could care less either way, so we are raising the 3 Timboricki girls Catholic. I get the last name and she gets Jesus. We are even.

Kept my last name. My step dad adopted me and raised me when my mom and bio dad got divorced and walked away from us. Step dad raised me as his own and gave me his name.. That was a huge deal to me and my mom, so I saw no reason to change it when I got married. I go by the hyphenated version in some situations, but still prefer my last maiden name. My husband was a little thrown when I told him I was not going to change it, but when I explained why he understood. We don't wear rings either and dont want kids :) guess we are a bit odd :)

"It is all about preferences."

Indeed it is which is why I don't get why your friends with wives who kept their are pussies.

Like other, parents are divorced and remarried. My mom took my step-father's name. I didn't. Never a problem - which why I might see the point of changing mine. For those who did, why did you do it?

Huh? Recent advances in medical research have revealed that this is not a biological necessity.

My partner has her own name, and we are not married. Our kids have my surname, but her surname is their middle name.

My sister married and kept her name. Their first child took her surname, their second her husband's.

I've always found the desire to change one's name in adulthood a bit odd. It's certainly not something I would ever want to do, nor ask or expect someone else to do. It's completely a matter of personal preference, though. People are entirely welcome to call themselves what they like, and I'm happy to accommodate them.


PS. This is my first visit to the "wimmins" room. It's very......polite here, isn't it? Compared to the boy's/Lavender room, I mean.
PPS. Swift and Rocker are, indeed, two of the coolest names imaginable. If I'm ever taken by the impulse to change my name, I think I'll go with one of those.

I tried to tell him he could change HIS name (so did half his family and friends :p), but he said nope. It's okay...I'm the way cooler one anyway. Can't hand a name like mine to just anyone :p

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mmm-mmm-Momo Charms
Handmade beverage charms, jewelry, and miscellanea
http://momocharms.wordpress.com

[/quote]

Thanks AP. It is all about preferences. Heck, some women won't date a guy that is "short", some won't date a guy who is "xyz religion". I guess if my wife really put up a fight about her last name, we would have talked it out and compromised somewhere. I was raised Jewish. She is Catholic. I could care less either way, so we are raising the 3 Timboricki girls Catholic. I get the last name and she gets Jesus. We are even.[/quote]
It goes the other way too. If I was marrying I guy who refused to let me keep my name, THAT would be a dealbreaker. And while I think I'm right, and you're wrong, the world needs a little more tolerance of people accepting ideas they disagree with. So cheers to you guys, as long as your wife really doesn't care she changed her name.

I was raised Jewish. She is Catholic. I could care less either way, so we are raising the 3 Timboricki girls Catholic.

You're a pussy for giving in on this. :)

Yeah, I hear ya. If that was the only reason why, I would be John fricken Wayne.

I kept mine though I did consider changing it for a while. Apparently I got so annoying about it that B eventually told me he wasn't going to give me his last name just to shut me up! :)

Honestly, I'm glad I kept my name. It's 'me' and I'm comfortable with it. That being said, I use his last name socially a bunch especially if we're doing something with his work.

The only two times it's been a pain are when I can't remember whose name I make dinner reservations under and when twice now the IRS doesn't think I've filed my taxes because apparently despite the fact that my SS# is on the tax form, the last name thing has them confused.

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http://smallfoodbiz.com
</blatent self-marketing>

If/when I get married I'm going suggest that we both change our names to "Rocker". :D

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<If you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough>
Get Fitter!
Proud member of the Smartasscrew, MONSTER CLUB
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I will welcome you into the Cult of Awesome :)

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mmm-mmm-Momo Charms
Handmade beverage charms, jewelry, and miscellanea
http://momocharms.wordpress.com

OMG, I almost spit my wine onto my computer!

Jodi

If you like your name, keep it. It's as simple as that. The tradition is so overrated and means so little these days. More power to you!

It's only a big deal if you make it a big deal. I work in academia and some people insist on the PhD after their name or use Dr. but most just go by their first name. Not sure if that example speaks to you, but my point is that it's only an issue if you make it one.

I took my husband's last name because it would mean more to him and to his family than it would for me to keep my old name. I miss my old name though, Erika Olson sounded like a good name for a nordic skiing champion.

Ah yer being hard on Timboricki... he sums it up well here:
"I guess the important thing is to make sure that the Mr and the Mrs have the same views on this. If the wife wants to keep her name and the husband is cool with this, then go for it. If the husband has initial trepidation, it might wind up being a big deal later. Much like most other things in a marriage, you need to talk about it."

While that is totally valid, this is where he loses me:

We have friends in which the wife did not take on the husband's name. Wifey and I both think the husband's are p*ssies.

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Awww, Katy's not all THAT evil. Only slightly evil. In a good way. - JasoninHalifax

Yeah I just ignored that part ;-)

AP

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"How bad could it be?" - SimpleS

My sister and I weren't given middle names when we were born, so we always looked forward to when we got married, our last name would become our middle name and we'd finally have middle initials!! Sister kept her maiden name for work purposes, that lasted about a year, then she changed it there too. Was a very easy choice for both of us to take our husbands last names. Never even considered not doing it. Maybe old fashioned thinking, but that's just me I guess!

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Harry: "I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this."
Loyd: "I was thinking the same thing. That John Denver's full of shit, man."

Katy - Sorry, kinda rude. I have been thinking about my statement a little bit and I have come to this conclusion - The particular husbands that I am referring to would be considered "that word" whether or not the wife took their last names. The important thing is that my wife and I both agree on it.

Are you afraid to say that word because your wife "has jesus"?

Thanks for admitting that was a lousy thing to say. As it was.

Where do you fall on the political spectrum? ;-)

Liberals tend towards hyphenated names and conservatives tend towards adopting the husband's name. (Really.)

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"100% of the people who confuse correlation and causation end up dying."

Hello ladies,
I'm in the process of changing my name right now. I have a chosen name (It's kinda odd to just change your name, lets say later in life), and my wife/roomie is mad that I have decided to change my last name too. I am trying to leave that life behind and start anew, and I feel dragging my last name with me will always be a source of unnecessary baggage.

So, do I change my whole name, or just my first?

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"When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace." Jimi Hendrix

What exactly is a wife/roomie?

As the ladies above have pointed out already it is a personal preference. I'm pretty traditional and so changed my name. Didn't think it was that big of a hassle and I haven't regretted it.

I can't tell you how relieved I am to hear that, Mrs. MOP. ;-)

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"100% of the people who confuse correlation and causation end up dying."

This may sound weird. But my husband wasn’t keen to change my last name; he said my maiden name will always remind him of how we met in high school. According to him if Spiderman gets married to Mary Jane, he wouldn’t change it to Mary Parker or Mary Jane Parker cause Mary Jane would always remind him all about his high school days and every moment he spend with her as Mary Jane Watson.

When I think of Mary Jane, Spiderman is NOT the first thing that comes to mind.

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"When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace." Jimi Hendrix

My wife (Ex, but still legally married)
My roommate.

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"When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace." Jimi Hendrix

well gee thanks for that insight. Marriage is not a biological necessity but since you have not noticed we live in a society. While you and your family are fine with all having different names, I am not. YOU find it a bit odd but for centuries it has been the norm. Thanks for the science lesson.

I'm left he's right...heh-heh...

My family and I don't all have different names. We all have the family and given name that we have had our entire lives. You're the one who decided one day that you needed a different name. Your insults notwithstanding, not wanting to swap names is not indicative of not living in society. You could, if you were inclined, learn a little more about naming conventions (and marriage, for that matter) in various societies, both historically and in the present day. Your preference is not "the norm". It is a single convention among many, nowhere and never universally practiced. I've already said that anyone (you included) is welcome to call themselves whatever they like, and I'll respect their choice, but if you are bothered that I find the urge to change one's name midlife bit odd, then that's an insecurity you'll just have to deal with.

uhm you insulted meuf - I do not see where she insulted you.

and really you think your sister's version of each kid with a different last name does not prompt people to think different dads or divorce???
we live (or at least most people in this discussion) in the US of which the 'norm' has been that women change their name at marriage - thus maiden name on forms etc. you can deny that all you want but it is still a fact.

at the end call yourself whatever but I think you attacked meuf for her statement that she got married to have kids - many people do that.

She was insulted that I said I thought changing one's name in adulthood (something half the posters here wouldn't want to do, something she herself doubts she'd do again) was a little odd? Lucky I didn't say it was very odd, she'd be in trauma counseling for life.

Yet saying that I haven't noticed that we live in a society wasn't meant as an insult? - sorry I missed the compliment plainly intended.


Who knows what some whackos think. They are well known and respected in their community, they are happily married and great parents, so I can confidently say that no-one who matters thinks that. If someone is clueless and thinks (the horror) "different dad or divorce", so what? Would you prefer that they actually be divorced, but my sister and her son have her ex-husband's name so that ignorant people might be fooled into thinking "same dad, no divorce"?

It might not fit into your cherished "norm", but I'm pretty sure what is best for children is a mother and father who love them and each other, not favouring one naming convention over another and the "traditional" marriage first, divorce later route.


I'm sure that the fact that more than 96% of the world live outside the US, and might not precisely follow your conventions, is confusing and frightening to you. But you also have the problem that these "norms" that are so important to you are not even followed by a huge proportion of your fellow Americans. Have a look over the whole thread. There's a lot of posters (including meuf!) who either haven't, or would not in the future, change their name at marriage. I'm not denying facts, I'm merely reading the views of your compatriots.

I suppose you think Alexia, Megan, mdraegerpnw, JenHS, (now) meuf and (millions of) others are unAmerican? Here's a norm I'll bet you hate. The US for a long time (less so now) had a reputation as a supporter of individual liberties and freedom of self-expression. I'll bet you'd be proud to hammer a few nails in the coffin of that ideal.

I recall saying that myself.


And you're wrong. I didn't attack her for her statement. I pointed out that it is not necessary, there are other successful alternatives. Getting married won't do anything to help children, changing names won't either. Being together and committed to the family will.

My answer to the poster's original question is the same as I'd answer to most of life's important questions. Focus on what matters, on what works, on what you really want (or if you become a parent, on what your children really need).
Your response of course would be: socially regressive strangers might make false assumptions based upon superficial misreading of things they don't understand, so you need to focus on that instead.

let me make my views perfectly clear for you BoneIdol

I changed my name when I married as I wanted my children to have the same name as me. I, like TriGrrrl live in the US - not the other 96% of the world, and I do find it odd when children and parents have different last names.

I still have my married name - my maiden name is my middle name.

I have NO intention of ever marrying again.

But I have no plans of any more children. That would present a different dilemma but happily I am fairly certain those days are done.




oh and since you did not seem to notice before your diatribe, the OP was asking married ladies and this is the women's room - not the lavender room.

this is the women's room - not the lavender room.

With all due respect, there's not a rule precluding men from posting here.

From my experience, I would advise against it, unless you really, really want to, or have some really specific reason to change it.

I decided to change my name, because we had been living together for 9 years before then, and it seemed like a pain to have different names, and I liked his last name. I just thought it would be easier to pay bills, apply for loans, do all that stuff with the same last name. So, I decided to change it. What a pain in the ass!!! You have to tell everyone. Every credit card, every bank, every loan, social security, dmv, passport, work, EVERYONE. It takes a looongggg time to do this- I really had no idea it would be such a pain. I think I just really, really hate doing that kind of crap, so I may be more irked by it than most, but it has made me kind of regret changing my name. My decision was also tough because I have a good number of publications under my maiden name, as well as a lot of race results, and there were only 2 of me on google. Now only I can connect the dots and I am no longer as unique as I once was, lol :( I didn't think I would care about these things beforehand, and I actually did think about it, but after I changed it, I now think it would've been smarter to stick with my maiden name- just my $0.02!

X2.

And I have to admit I'm pretty surprised at how the tone of this thread has just gone right off the rails. BI, meuf - just agree to disagree and move on eh?

AP

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"How bad could it be?" - SimpleS

I didn't change my name as I find it insulting. Why would you? I reckon he should take your name.
Audrey

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Coaching - Future Endurance

I appreciate the ladies who are more traditional. I find women who keep their maiden name, or use their maiden name at the office, to be almost unaccepting of the fact that they are married to a man. Almost like they want to be married but keep their independence. What, you'll lose business because people won't be able to remember your new name? When I see parents of my kids friends with two different names I think they were divorced or remarried or that the woman doesn't really respect her husband. Like they are not a real family unit - It's not like the man wouldn't be the one stopping it, but I think it's more like she doesn't want to be a family unit. There is no rule that says you have to keep your maiden name, but you will get a lot of raised eyebrows from traditional people thinking it's a bit ridiculous to be married and not have one family name.

Why should I? I am not my husband's property which is pretty much where the name change originates.

Wow, that's a bit harsh on family values, don't you think? Anyway, I don't totally disagree - that is what the entire marriage concept and process is about. The bride being given away at the wedding - ie being given to the groom even by her own father. The creation of a family unit for the purpose of having children etc. The man's responsibilty to support the household and the woman's to be bearer of children and to manage the household... Even the standard vows in the marriage ceremony imply that the woman is now "protected" by the man. Some women today view marriage like a partnership, like they are equals. Nothing wrong with that, but if you want to be a stickler for the finer points, marriage is where the woman technically becomes the man's property. That is the ceremony. If you didn't like the part about the last name, I'm surprised you accepted the part about the marriage concept. Unless, you thought marriage was about showing love, or only about the legal benefits. In which case, love and most legal benefits can be acquired without marriage.

it was a comment on the tone and being attacked for marrying to have kids - not the fact that BI is male.

Neither your paranoia nor your self-righteousness are doing you any favours.

Get over yourself. Nobody attacked you. If you can manage it without fainting, read what was written again. Is that seriously what has prompted your increasingly shrill responses? Then see where you borrowed my use of the word "odd". By your standard, that could only have been a deliberate "attack", right?

I did actually notice that this is the women's room and not the lavender room - see how I pointed it out in my post? And I agree that the post title is addressed to "married ladies". But neither of us is a married lady, are we? So your comment was pointless, and you don't have the right to decide who can respond to your inane posts.

BTW, given that societal "norms" are the source of your sanctimonious attitudes, it's interesting that you have no apparent respect for a long-standing "norm" of parents staying together to provide a stable home for their children. That's a "norm" that actually provides a real benefit to children and society. I suppose you figure you can follow a couple of meaningless "norms", act condescendingly towards those who don't, and then ignore far more important "norms" that don't suit you. Excellent plan to not marry again or have more children, I'd say.

You are a good example of how often self-righteousness and hypocrisy are exhibited at the same time.

Hmm, apparently not.

Although it's a futile attempt, let me try to get this straight: You think that a woman who uses her given name is a) not accepting her marriage, b) wants to keep her independence (whatever that means), c) doesn't want to be a family unit and d) doesn't respect her husband.

WOW WOW WOW WOW.

Michele Bachman, is that you?

First of all, I apologize for spelling Mrs. Bachmann's last name (oh sorry, her HUSBAND'S name) wrong on the previous post.

In all seriousness, to answer your question, it's incredibly important in academics (for example) to have a strong citation record. Once you are published in your given name, you can't go back and edit those journal articles to change to your married name. You are ranked based on your citation record, therefore, it's not advised to change your name in the middle of your career.

Many women change their names legally but still use their given names in their professions, and if you think that's a sign of disrespect, well, that's sad. Although I suspect you're a general nonbeliever in women having professions in the first place, which I won't get in to.

But there are good reasons to still use one's given name, and "losing business" is not the primary one.

Do you also expect a women to stay home and be barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen??

Your views on us poor women are pretty pathetic. I got married married for various reasons - love certainly being one of them - but I don't need to be "protected" nor looked after by my husband. I work, I was fine for all those years I was on my own - imagine that!!

For people who can't have kids, are they not fulfilling your ideals of a family unit?

Oh I also don't live in a country where I get any legal benefits by being a common law spouse. As others have already pointed out, not all of us live in the US and certainly don't have the same mentality about women and their place being lower on the totem pole.

Some of you ladies are truly missing out on the actual historical reasons and the meaning of marriage. Obviously a "family" can mean many things - divorced single parents, two divorced familes coming together, a never married woman or man with children, childless couples, gay couples, etc etc. A family is not defined by the legal laws of marriage. But don't fool yourself into thinking that the concept of marriage wasn't one where the woman was not presented to the man. Look at the ceremony and read the vows, what do you think is happening? And what have been the expectations of those couples and their familes.

I feel sorry for you not because you think I have some pre-conceived notions about family values or the place of women in society, which I don't. I feel sorry for you because you probably walk around thinking that you are superior and more progressive thinking than traditional women who want to be married, be taken care of by their husbands, not have a career and instead raise children, and assume their husbands last name. Trust me, from your attitude, your are not as good as those women.

In all seriousness, to answer your question, it's incredibly important in academics (for example) to have a strong citation record. Once you are published in your given name, you can't go back and edit those journal articles to change to your married name. You are ranked based on your citation record, therefore, it's not advised to change your name in the middle of your career.

Believe it or not there are tools that allow you to link your new name to your old name, or to altogether change the search criteria on published documents. Technology, crazy, I know.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BibTeX

I am going to ignore your name calling (funny that you accuse me of that yet you are the one to engage in this particular behavior) and simply address the bold section.

Sometimes the better thing for children, the more stable thing for children is divorce. Staying in an abusive marriage did not seem to benefit my children nor society.

Your little wikipedia search is cute, and linking your old name to your new name using software is simple. This only serves the person/group who installs the software and organizes their publication library using it. When one uses article databases, such as Web of Science (how real scientists search for publications), to search for publications by an author, only that name will come up in the search. Thus, back to my original POINT: one builds a reputation around the name they publish in, and while changing your name doesn't ruin your career, it may make your first papers less accessible and a bit harder to find.

YOU SAID that women who keep their name in the workplace do it to "keep their independence" and disrespect their husband. My argument was that there is a good reason to keep your name in the workplace that has nothing to do with independence or disrespect. Many successful women change their names and it's no big deal. But some choose not to and you are completely WRONG that it automatically means they disrespect their family unit and/or husband.

you probably walk around thinking that you are superior and more progressive thinking than traditional women who want to be married, be taken care of by their husbands, not have a career and instead raise children,

Huh?! Where did you come up with all that garbage? You sure assume a lot about the motivations of people you don't know.

I didn't call you any names. You have quite a habit of just making stuff up to justify your behaviour. I'm sure that didn't happen with your marriage, though. I'm certain that you were entirely sweetness and light, and the man you chose to be with for all eternity (or at least until you change your mind) inexplicably became "abusive" - like the way I "attacked" you, perhaps. No fault of your own at all. You must just be one of those people stumbling through life being attacked and abused and having failure thrust upon you. And all you've got for your troubles is an abuser's name.

As so often, it's the children I feel sorry for.

quoting you to leave this up

your comments are truly disgusting.

Are you for real or just trolling? Certainly there are various cultural reasons why people get married. No one is ignoring that. However you might like to fast forward to now where many women are able to support themselves NOW and don't need to be married off in order to survive. Pre-convieved notions?? You have blatantly insulted about 50% if the women based on what YOU wrote, not what any of us are assuming you think.

I don't feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for the women you have to deal with on a day to day basis that you dismiss as not being "good" because of your judgmental attitude. No one on here has claimed to be "superior" compared to "traditional" woman. You however have claimed they are better than us. Fine by me. I certainly am not going to care what some person on a poster board thinks of me for not taking my husband's name. More so when they are narrow-minded.

And as pointed out, academia and whatnot certainly don't care about search engines to find maiden names for women. You seem to be rather clueless about how that world works and demonstrate this every time you argue about it. You also might want to step out of your patronizing "historical" comments. Perhaps you would like to do a search on Asian cultural traditions where men take on a wife's name in order to inherit land, companies...

Oh and 'taken" care off? Regardless of what you think, homemakers are the ones that "take care" of the family. So not only have you insulted working women who keep their names, you've also insulted the homemakers too. Well done!

I don't care about the history of marriage.The only marriage that matters to me is mine. I like my name. Two names causes no problems. End of story.

I don't care what other people do. I know some people very much look forward to taking the spouse's name. I know some people are horrified by the "misogynistic oppression" that it symbolizes. I don't care. Do what you want. No skin of my nose.

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mmm-mmm-Momo Charms
Handmade beverage charms, jewelry, and miscellanea
http://momocharms.wordpress.com

genkigirl1 wrote:

Oh and 'taken" care off? Regardless of what you think, homemakers are the ones that "take care" of the family. So not only have you insulted working women who keep their names, you've also insulted the homemakers too. Well done!

x10x10^10

Perhaps you would like to do a search on Asian cultural traditions where men take on a wife's name in order to inherit land, companies...

Perhaps I would, if I lived in or cared about Asian society. But since I live in a Western culture... But if Asian society is your standard, as opposed to a Western standards, then I can assure you that many, if not most, Asian cultures (I'm sured you know there is more than one and they are not homogeneous) have models where the man does not take the womans name.

But now that women can support themselves you don't have to take the name, fill a role, what? What are you saying?

I don't know where you got that I think homemakers are less than their spouses. You need to learn to read.

Continue to snooker your husbands or SO's with all this nonsense and reasons. They're pansies.

Oh.... so you only want to cherry pick info that helps your 'historical" and cultural crap. Please. But since you insist on only caring about "western" culture, you might want to get with the times and realise that "western" culture is changing since we don't need big strong men to look after us weak women. And we certainly don't need to take our husbands' names to show we are property of them.

I need to learn how to read? Perhaps you could learn how to articulate?

Pansies? Well I would much my husband be that than some overbearing, ego inflated prick.

But now that women can support themselves you don't have to take the name, fill a role, what?

For many of us, the role has changed. Independence doesn't mean there's no family unit. It means we choose to be with our partners, not because we need to, but because we want to.

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Awww, Katy's not all THAT evil. Only slightly evil. In a good way. - JasoninHalifax

He is not trolling. Check out his thread in the Lavender Room about "convenience partners".

Frightening. Truly frightening.

I was not going to respond anymore to such narrow minded women, but since you brought up an old thread, trifan actually had a better description of "significant other"

Bed Buddy
Bill Co-payer
Current Cohort
Special friend
The person with whom I'm living in sin with (this one would go over well, don't you think ;)
Person whom I love madly deeply and want to spend the rest of my life with, but don't want to marry, because you know...just in case.

Kind of describes the way some of you treat your husband's and marriage, don't it?

I was not going to respond anymore to such narrow minded women

The irony (or maybe hypocrisy is a better word) of this statement is obviously lost on you.

Lessons we have learned from YaHey:

*Some of us women don't appreciate the historical meaning of marriage.

*Keeping your family, given name, is disrespectful and means you are not a good wife/mother.

*Us "progressive women" walk around thinking that we are better than homemakers.

*All of our husbands and S.O.s are pansies for putting up with our "reasoning."

Allow me to respond, for the last time (and I apologize for contributing to this thread's complete derailing):

Lesson #1: I appreciate the historical meaning of marriage. Mostly, I appreciate that it is different now. I appreciate that I was NOT traded for livestock when I was a 12 year old girl and then raped and impregnated on my wedding night. I appreciate that I don't have to get married in a church, I can get married wherever I want, to (practically) whomever I want.

Lesson #2: I have no strong opinion about taking the husband's name or not. My only strong opinion is to do what's best for your career (and life), as I try to do. I want to be as successful as I possibly can, and if that means I keep my given name in the workplace, so be it. I want to be able to provide for my family too, in addition to my S.O.'s income. That way, we can put away bigger college funds for children, and, maybe we can retire earlier, and we can both travel more, donate more to causes we believe in, and help out our other family members.

Lesson #3: My mom and grandma were homemakers. Several of my good friends are now. They are all incredible. I have never once walked around thinking I am better than ANY of them. I hope that my job allows me to be a homemaker for at least several years, because I think it would be one of the hardest, most fulfilling jobs there are. And being a homemaker does NOT include being "taken care of" by your husband. It means you take care of everyone, the kids, the pets, and even the neighbors, and the family members that just show up unannounced.

Lesson #4: I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that my S.O. can kick YaHey's ASS in everything, namely: sports, intelligence, compassion, thoughtfulness, and certainly in bed. Also, he can cook. And clean. He also doesn't spend two hours a day posting in the Lavender room, ignoring me. So if that makes him a "pansy," fantastic! I'll take it any day!

Thank YOU YaHey, for the lessons! I learned a lot: about how truly grateful I am for my relationship, family, friends and that I don't have to interact with anyone like you on a daily basis.

PEACE OUT EVERYONE!

Well said NPDA!

Narrow-minded... that made me chuckle. Who are the women who date these creeps? I feel for them!