I was bulimic/anorexic from 17 to 36 yrs old, had a brief reprieve when I got pregnant with my son, and then almost hit bottom again, but I started going to Overeaters Anonymous - it has been the only thing that has worked for me (other than being pregnant!) Been through all kinds of therapists, medication, self-help etc. It is currently saving my life. ED's suck, and I wasted so many years obsessed. I feel your pain. Its no way to live.

About 11 years of anorexia before I started climbing back out, but therapy had very little effect on me. If you think things will get worse quickly without therapy, then the therapy is working for you. Not as well as you'd like, but it's helping.

For me, recovery happened in spite of myself. At age 31, I found a new career and a new set of friends, and I was so caught up in learning my new career and enjoying the company of my new friends that I lost my laser focus on what I ate and when I ate it. I was happy, and I realized that I wouldn't be as happy if I insulated myself from those new friends with my obsession about food. It wasn't like flipping a switch. It happened gradually.

I'm now 47, and the anorexia started when I was 20. I've been a healthy weight since I was probably 32 or 33, but I still struggle on a daily basis with my relationship with food. I'm still a healthy weight, but it's still a daily struggle -- not to keep weight on, but to live without letting thoughts of food/how much I eat/how much I ate/what I will eat/when I will eat/what my weight is/what direction my weight is moving dominate me. I have those thoughts; I just don't let them run my life anymore.

As you say, it's exhausting if you let it consume you. I think the trick is finding other things on which to focus, which you find even more important than the laser focus on food and weight.

It's been just over 8 years since mine started, and it's still a part of my life, every damn day.

I wasn't "cured" when I left the hospital. I wasn't "cured" when I stopped seeing a therapist. I'm still not "cured." Part of me thinks that I never will be. I wonder if it's a bit like being an alcoholic. You know how people in AA will say they've been sober x years, but they're still an alcoholic? We might not restrict, or binge, or drive ourselves into the ground with exercise, but we always know we could if we felt like we needed to.

I don't want to say that I've learned to accept my body and how I look. Because I haven't. I don't want to say that I look in the mirror and see some beautiful girl looking back. Because I don't. What I have learned to do is (most days) be able to look in the mirror, shrug, and decide that I have more important things to worry about that day. And some days, it's enough.

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_____________________________

http://konabound.tumblr.com/

It can be done, but it comes from within when things come together. Don't despair. Accept where you are now (you still want recovery) and validate the progress you have made (yes, you have made progress), while you continue to work toward something even better-- balance.

"Eating in the Light of the Moon" by Dr. Anita Johnston is what helped me understand and embrace my body and femininity.

"Intuitive Eating" by Elyse Resch helped me relearn what it means to be "full" and how to eat according to my body's needs.

You already know that as female athletes we have to work just a bit harder to find the proper mix (carb, fat, protein) to fuel our bodies and thus keep our systems in harmony. If we don't get the proper mix, we set our systems up for a crash.

Stay stong.

How do you define recovered?

For me I still have a tendency to sometimes binge eat (which is how I gained weight after I was anorexic) but it's not as bad as it used to be in college which was 2-6 years after I hit rock bottom with anorexia/exercise bulimia.

BUT I have to say I think doing Ironmans has helped me in that I now recognize that I need to eat to fuel my training and also since IM training is so intense and time-consuming I no longer feel compelled to go work out for hours after eating a lot.

Well, I am recovered in the sense that I am a healthy weight (er, maybe even a bit TOO healthy at this point :p)...but I think the mindset and the struggle is always there.

I do have OCD, though, which I think compounds the situation.

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mmm-mmm-Momo Charms
Handmade beverage charms, jewelry, and miscellanea
http://momocharms.wordpress.com

I haven't posted in a while, and I don't know if you remember me, but you sent me a very kind PM when I was having trouble with my daughter some years ago.

{{Hugs}}. I did not have an eating disorder, but a body image issue bought on by parents who were obsessed with weight. I don't think eating disorders are prevalent in the African-American community (we do have the highest rates of obesity, well maybe it's an eating disorder of another type). I am 52, been in therapy for about 3 years as the result of 2 abusive marriages and some other stuff and realized that I was obsessed with weight and food. I had been very thin then overweight and now at a healthy weight, if a little on the low side of the healthy weight. I find it times of stress, I go back to the incessant weighing, restricting what I eat, exercising. I don't know that I will ever be over it, I can go a month without weighing, but when I look in the mirror I still see a fat person, and I have to tell myself that the mirror is a lie. I look at my clothes and realize that I am not.

I think it is a life long struggle, sorta like what one other posters said about being sober but still being an alcoholic. Just don't give up!

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_______________________

wow...

quick Q for all posters: do all of you see a fat person in the mirror? regardless of the actuality?

just curious, as I do daily... :-(

AP

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"How bad could it be?" - SimpleS

Sometimes, depending on the time of the month. But I try to remember that "Fat is not a feeling," and then I try to figure out the underlying issue at the moment.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKPaxD61lwo

good point, TOM definitely makes a difference...

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"How bad could it be?" - SimpleS

Yup. Kinda sad, huh?

Yes. And I also tend to see things that no one else does. I mean, to a degree, that's true with anyone about anything... but I think there is a sense of hyperawareness that comes with having an ED and a disordered body image.

I am about 7-10 lbs heavier than I should be right now. NO ONE would notice that. But I do, and I see it daily...and that sends me into a cycle of poor eating habits.

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mmm-mmm-Momo Charms
Handmade beverage charms, jewelry, and miscellanea
http://momocharms.wordpress.com

I hear ya... sometimes I think "well I'm fat already so another bag of chips won't hurt" LOL but admittedly that doesn't happen very often... as long as I don't buy the chips, I'll be safe ;-)

AP

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"How bad could it be?" - SimpleS

I hate it when people say that. Damn SF website and that 'fat is not a feeling' thing.

A lot of times, feeling fat is a "cover" for some other emotions. But you can be retaining water and feel fat... or have it be that TOM and feel bloated/fat...

You can feel THIN and no one prohibits saying that, so the converse must be true.

---

maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

I have never seen myself as fat. I have always seen thin, I currently see myself is thin. My issue (I am told) is that I like the look of absolute bones with no "meat" on them.

Am skinny, have always been skinny, will always be skinny, just not as skinny as I would like.

---

maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

  
"You can feel THIN and no one prohibits saying that, so the converse must be true."[/reply]

Not so. A person cannot "feel" fat OR thin; neither are emotions.

Every now and then, I'll glimpse myself in the mirror naked and think, "she's really thin", but only for a brief moment. I almost always see a person 25 pounds heavier than I am. Sometimes I just don't look. Through therapy I "know" that there is not a fat person in the mirror, but I still see her. I never say, oh well I'm fat so another bag of chips, but rather, I need to not eat or only eat salad for the next couple of weeks. It is a struggle, but I keep working at it.

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_______________________

I think that's similar line of thought--when I say "fat", I realize that I am not grossly obese or even overweight. I just see a person who is much heavier than they WANT to be, if that makes sense?

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mmm-mmm-Momo Charms
Handmade beverage charms, jewelry, and miscellanea
http://momocharms.wordpress.com

Yes.

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maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

I never thought I saw myself as fatter than I really am, but two nights ago, my husband downloaded the pictures from his cellphone onto the computer and there was a picture of a really skinny girl, but her face was turned away. I said, "Who is that? She's so skinny." And he was like, "Um. Honey. That's you." YIKES.

I went from bulimic in college, to anorexic in gradschool, spent a few years healthy and began binge eating. Yuck. Now I guess I'm somewhere between. I binge. I don't purge. I'm not overweight. But I might exercise a little too much to compensate for overeating.

Honestly, I'd love to just eat like a "normal person". Whatever that is.

A person cannot "feel" fat OR thin; neither are emotions.

actually you can feel fat or thin. To feel is not just an emotional quality, but also a tactile one.

"actually you can feel fat or thin. To feel is not just an emotional quality, but also a tactile one."
[/reply]

There are primary (basic), secondary, and tertiary emotions. "Fat" or "thin" are none of the above.

Absolutely to the hyperawareness mmrocker talked about. When I look in the mirror, I see every extra ounce of fat. I see where it is and know how much weight I have to lose to get rid of it. I don't see an obese person. I see someone who weighs more than she wants to.

As another poster said, I also remember the exact moment I decided that weight loss was the most important thing in the world to me. A boyfriend I adored looked at me and commented that I'd put on a lot of weight. I was mortified. Made the decision there and then that no one would EVER think that about me again. That was nearly 30 years ago.

For the enlightenment and curiosity of myself and perhaps others, would you care to elaborate?

I don't know how many times a day I hear one of my friends or any stranger on the street remark that they are "feeling fat," or "having a fat day." I don't see how "feeling fat" isn't some sort of emotional state.

If you are a medical professional, or at least someone with some schooling in psychology, psychiatry, cognitive science, etc. it would be useful if you define your jargon, instead of flatly disagree. Perhaps you would like to offer something constructive to the OP, and the rest of us, if in fact you are so educated in the science.

Fortunately for me my therapist will accept "I feel fat" or "I feel thin" as a feeling

---

maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

Fat is what a marshmallow feels like, or a snowman. Fat is what an ice climber feels when he dons a down suit. Fat is what a pufferfish feels when it is scared. Fat is what squirrels and bears feel like when they hibernate.

Thin feels like disappearing; thin feels like spinning in a mirror until, even with the ballet skirt on, you are one long line. Thin feels like the sharp edges of bones. Thin feels like a stick person does; or a wire hanger.

Healthy is the awful place ahead of thin where everyone tells you that you look so wonderful and good and you smile, while screaming inside that you want the bony lines back. Healthy is the awful place where you have those annoying pillows of puppy fat referred to as "breasts." Healthy feels like twice the size you should be, an invisible zipper of your spine, the knowledge that any second now, if you wanted, you could peel off the uncomfortable puppy-fat skin.

---

maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

Can you imagine that?


A person walks into a shrink's office:

P - I feel fat.
T - You can't "feel" fat, stupid. Fat isn't an emotion.
P - Now I feel fat and dumb... :(

---

<If you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough>
Get Fitter!
Proud member of the Smartasscrew, MONSTER CLUB
Get your FIX today?

Often if I am "feeling fat" there is some OTHER emotional reason behind it, but the fat feeling is still valid.

An example: if you binge (eat way more than a normal amt of food in one time, usually really high calorie/fat content) and don't purge (you don't make yourself throw up) you will wake up the next day feeling fat. You might also feel mad at yourself for bingeing; happy that you didn't purge (all kinds of medical complications there); out of control; hopeless... but you will also have all the calories from bingeing stored as fat, or glycogen molecules stored with water, and that IS extra weight. And you can physically feel fat.

Maybe it's not an emotion but a physical feeling? Like feeling sick to your stomach?

---

maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

I don't deny that plenty of people "feel" fat (or dumb, or short, or anything else that isn't an emotional state).
Neither do I deny that their feelings are valid, or that their feelings have merit and cause.

I just think the little scenario I concocted was funny. :p

---

<If you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough>
Get Fitter!
Proud member of the Smartasscrew, MONSTER CLUB
Get your FIX today?

I have a hunch our "expert" on emotions knows how to google and copy and paste.

Khai- I completely agree with you. Who the hell cares what defines an emotion. You feel fat, you feel fat. It's real to you, and that's what matters.

Tigerchik- in response to your original post and what you posted just above, I would have to disagree when you said you're not getting any better. It seems to me that you are able to identify your thoughts, feelings and emotions (however you might define that word) with an amazing amount of introspection. Clearly, your therapy IS working, and you should keep at it, no matter how lows your lows are, or how discouraged you feel.

Secondly, I gather from some of your other posts that you are a graduate student, first year? Well, I do not have an ED, but as a fourth year graduate student myself, what I can offer you is: you must stick with the therapy and concentrate on the positive, and your improvement over the past 8 years. Graduate school is full of professors and other students who enjoy reducing others to a mere puddle, and it's often easy to find yourself feeling out of control. I also caution you, compared to undergraduate where one receives grades, and there are often right answers, graduate school is (in my experience) finding out most of your hard work is wrong, and could always be better. On the other hand, I do believe that it's a time in your life in which your mental and social development goes through key stages. Perhaps you will find that the graduate student environment is exactly what will help you make it a few steps closer to enjoying being healthy.
Good luck.

mellorite,
It is really more of an art than a science. Thank you for calling me an expert, but I have never made that claim and I am not one under the Federal Rules of Evidence. You'll have to excuse me for being particular about my word choices. In my current line of work, misapplication of a word can negatively the outcome of a legal case. If you are really interested in learning about emotions and understanding emotion regulation and dysregulation, I would suggest (as a doctoral student)reading some of Marsha Linehan's work as she is the "expert" on the most effective (lowest rate of recidivism) treatment for EDs, which is dialectical behavior therapy. The emotion often underlying the "fat feeling" is actually shame, but it varies. That said, I did not intend to invalidate any person's emotions.

I can think of instances in which that makes a lot of sense.

Someone on SF suggested DBT to me. I have done CBT which has been helpful.

---

maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

Mellorite-

I am fantastic at identifying thoughts, feelings, and emotions. I am fantastic at expressing them.

There's a leap from identifying the emotion and picking a positive coping skill, and sometimes that is REALLY hard to do. I have WAY more symptoms than I want right now.

Yup, grad student :D

---

maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

You're defining feeling in a very restrictive way- you're defining it as only an emotion. Feeling can be defined as more than simply an emotion. Having said that, I would agree that strong emotion is likewise involved in the perception.

Progress the last couple days =
No bingeing or purging.
Not undereating by TOO much.

The only problem with the anorexic symptoms is that carrot and pepper sticks get old really fast.

---

maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

That's about how I feel about myself too.

Like the AA analogy, I consider myself a recovering anorexic. Depression is/was my bigger issue and I rarely feel like I am hanging by more than a thread or two. I am not sure that I will ever be completely cured, but I haven't been at a medically problematic weight for almost 4 years though I've never really been far off (My counselor considered that to be under 105 at 5'6''). I go through phases. If I am training a lot and have a busy life, I eat healthily. If I am not training much and/or I have a lot of free time, I spiral into my depression and don't eat (I play mind games with myself so that I don't think about food at all and therefore never get hungry and simply don't need food). Sometimes my body image is a little distorted- naked in the mirror is never flattering and I see potential for improvement even though I'm just barely on/off the size chart for most women's clothing (I will have to go to work in a potato sack if The Limited ever makes their 0s and XS's any bigger). I just do my best to keep myself busy, in training, and around friends. That way, I don't have excessive time for introspection or privacy to hide my lack of eating and I feel good physically.

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"When the going gets tough, get going!"

Yay, Tigerchik. Have you ever had your resting metabolic rate tested? I found out I was grossly underestimating my caloric needs even when I thought I was replacing expended energy. No wonder I was having weird cravings. RMR tests eliminates a lot of guess work so you can focus on getting the right mix.

No. I imagine it's probably pretty high - as a kid, I ate a ton and was still reed thin. I think about that sometimes... I probably could get away with eating plenty and still be thin... (and then the eating disorder thought chimes in: or I can undereat and lose weight really fast.)

I've thought about it; could very easily have it done at school. But what if it came back low for some reason? (even if it were the testing equipment screwing up) --- I would develop more fear over eating.

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maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

Unstructured time is a huge trigger for me. Retrospectively, I can say that the reason I went from being OK out of high school to relapsing in college was going from a lot of structure to very little.

I have learned to structure all of my time but if I get to some afternoon that I have planned out, and want to read a book instead, I can do it and change that plan. But just having that plan initially is very helpful. Vacations are great for a couple days but not having much to do over them becomes a nightmare.

I've had that need for structure for all of my life - my mom says as a kid I was always asking where we were going and who would be there. On snow days I would create imaginative worlds like playing "ski lodge" and create a schedule for the day (xc skiing, read, snowshoe, etc).

I think introspection - for me at least - is helpful. I spend an hour or so a day writing in my journal about the day and whatever comes to mind. It's a huge part of processing stuff for me.

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maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

First a disclaimer: I'm a guy without an ed and not an expert in the field. I have known several women with ed's very well over the years (and I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night, j/k). A couple of thoughts:

1. Tigerchik, it definitely sounds like you have something of a handle on your ed, that is great. Have you spoken with your therapist about why, exactly, you want to be ultra, ultra skinny? It sounds like you can see the reality of your body and health quite well through the ed haze, so a discussion of why you want to be a weight that you know is not healthy might be really beneficial (although you've probably done this already).

2. From my exeriences with people close to me who have eds, you never recover (like others have said). Rather, it seems that most with eds will be in recovery for the rest of your life. Accepting this and not getting down on yourself because you're not 100% "cured" might actually help recovery.

3. Quick and easy exercise to do at home for those of you with body image issues (most of you have done this, I bet). Get a huge sheet of paper (bigger than you are). Trace what you think represents an accurate outline of yourself on the paper (try to make it the same size and shape you think you are). Then lie down on the paper and have someone else trace around your body (in a different colour). Look at the two. One friend I know who suffered from an ed really made a significant breakthrough (not close to "cured," mind you) after doing this. It really helped her to see that her perception of herself was far from reality (she probably drew a size 16 person when she was a size 2).

Good luck to all struggling with this.

I've been undereating for the past five days. Today, I ate like a normal person... three meals, two snacks, one dessert even... and I feel horrible because tomorrow I'll wake up THE SAME. Not any smaller.

Humph.

---

maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

But you'll wake up tomorrow with the physical strength to keep going another day.

Good for you.

---

_____________________________

http://konabound.tumblr.com/

I can do that when I undereat too.

It WAS nice yesterday to eat a truffle that dad tossed to me as a surprise - "catch!" it just made me smile; and it felt good (and tasted good) to eat dessert with my family rather than just sit and make conversation [as I usually do when they eat dessert].

---

maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

I've never had a problem with just "not" eating nor have I purged BUT I constantly think about what I'm eating, what I just ate and what I'll need to do to work off the calories.

and to answer this question:

ABSOLUTELY. In fact last week I described to my husband 2 separate conversations I had with people.

Person1: You are cold because you have NO fat on your body Leslie.
ME (to husband): Do you know what 'x' said to me today?! He said the most horrible thing. He told me I had no fat on my body?! Why WHY would he say that to me; LIE right to my face. It was so mean.

Person 2: You are so Tiny
ME (to husband): It happened again but this time with a stranger. WHY is everyone saying that when it's not true?

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I woke up this morning 4 pounds heavier than normal and I AM IN AN ABSOLUTE PANIC. I HATE that my thoughts, and at times my self worth depends on how I perceive myself when I look in the mirror. In my heart I know I'm not a cow I just can't convince my head to listen and I'm exhausted with the internal fight happening. So for the rest of the day (and until it's gone) I'll be obsessing about 4 pounds. Four pounds I have to get off before (in my mind) I'll need to sign up for Biggest Loser.

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____________________________
Life is Short...Run Long

It sounds like you could benefit from some therapy if possible. It's no fun to walk around all day obsessing about what you've eaten/burning it off.

This is day 9 for me of no bingeing, no purging. I am undereating a little but at least I have 2 symptoms under control. This is the longest I've made it without either in a long time and I am rather proud of myself. (it feels good too :-)

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maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

You should most definitely be proud!!!

My 23yo daughter has an ED...restrictive eating. She/we tried individual therapy for a year with no improvement. She agreed to go into a residential therapy setting, taking a semester off from college. After 2.5 months, she emerged as a new person. Yes, she still has an ED, but three years later, it is well under control.

I remember her telling us that she never would have come to grips with her condition if she had not been in a 24/7 setting. One hour per day, three days a week just did not work. Having been involved in numerous family therapy sessions, I agree.

I mention this as a suggestion and truly wish you luck!!

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Headed to my counselor tomorrow to have "the talk" among others.

Great job on your 9 day accomplishment. If you don't keep a journal write your feelings down right now so that when you hit a rough patch you can reflect on how powerful you feel during these good moments.

I know that ED are not restricted to women. I often wonder; however, (since women are affected by it more) what is it about us that often makes this problem so prevalent.

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____________________________
Life is Short...Run Long

The female:male ratio is, I believe, because of societal and media ideals about what women's bodies should look like.

I do indeed keep a journal.

Good luck with your counseling appointment today. For me, onward to Day 10!

---

maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

A happy story; I am glad for your daughter.

I symptom-swap... I may not be b/p right now, I am undereating though. I much prefer anorexic symptoms to bulimic ones. This is one problem perhaps: I only want to recover from the bulimic symptoms, I will happily keep the anorexia part of my head. My therapist looks at me and says "but you can't do that and you know it." Which is true. It is (oooh fun bad joke :-) like having your cake and eating it too. (and not getting fat from it)

Hospitalization is not something I'd consider unless I got seriously terribly ill again.

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maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

False body images from magazines, tv, etc. We don't let our daughters view porn or violence, but we let them emerse in media that can cause illness that is potentially fatal!!

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And this very statement has me thinking. I have 2 daughters (5 and 3 1/2). At what age do I start educating them on 'reality' vs 'perception' when it comes to the media?

I've fallen victim to it; or have allowed myself to be. I want to help them see themselves as the beautiful creation they were designed to be and they are perfectly made AS IS. But honestly I feel like I'm going to be fighting an uphill battle and have no idea where to even start (or when) with them.

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____________________________
Life is Short...Run Long

this site has some resources for younger girls:

http://www.campaignforrealbeauty.com/

and has links that may net you some reading material.

good luck - cheers!

-mistress k

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__________________________________________________________
ill advised racing inc.

You are smart to start now!

Anorexia is the 3rd most common chronic illness among adolescents

95% of those who have eating disorders are between the ages of 12 and 25

50% of girls between the ages of 11 and 13 see themselves as overweight

80% of 13-year-olds have attempted to lose weight

A good article: http://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/...y-image-preteen.html

Good luck!!

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I've been wondering the same thing. I've been struggling with ED's for 11 years now. It bounces around from anorexia to bulimia to exercise bulimia. Right now. I only saw a therapist for most of 2009 and that seemed to really help with the bulimia. However, I've noticed that I've really only been able to get a grip on the physical part of the eating disorder (i.e. the binging and purging), but mentally, I struggle daily. Especially now that I'm recently engaged I'm so stressed about getting skinny for my wedding. It's very difficult just to get by day to day because the thoughts really do consume every minute of every day it seems like. Tonight, for instance, was my off day from training and I won't go out with my fiance because I can't stand the idea of putting on jeans or anything fitted on a day when I didn't work out. I kind of feel like it's something that may never go away.

I spoke with a friend last night - a woman who had an eating disorder, recovered from it, and is now a physician who treats women with eating disorders. She said if you still have an eating disorder, you haven't done the work in therapy to deal with the underlying causes of it, period. IOW full recovery IS a true thing if you commit yourself to treatment.

Today will make 2 weeks without bingeing/purging for me. I am undereating a little bit (little meaning maybe 200-300 calories). But already a lot of the thoughts have gone... I immediately think of healthy coping skills... and if this is happening after only two weeks, I trust her that if you really honestly and truly deal with the underlying causes and learn other coping methods, you will fully recover.

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maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

I have struggled with an eating disorder/body dysmorphia for 18 years. I have been in therapy since I was 19 (am now 32), have tried in-patient for 3 months, and have done intensive OP. Like others on here, I frequented the something-fishy site for many years.

I'm still not recovered (to many others' frustration), and still struggling with whether or not I really want to be. I fear that it is a life-long illness - whether it is in active form or latent. Eating disorders in adults is an especially taboo subject, and I have found it difficult to find people around me that might understand my illness (that I never discuss). However, I found that the book Lying in Weight: The Hidden Epidemic of Eating Disorders in Adult Women by Trisha Gura is an insightful, helpful book to read. She looks at the idea of recovery from a realistic perspective - not only having considered herself recovered (yet still subsisting on salad meals), but also observing the stories of many other real women who have struggled (some who still struggle) with anorexia and/or bulimia. Gaining: The Truth About Life After Eating Disorders by Aimee Liu is also an interesting book. Both focus on people with histories of EDs and where they are now, in their adult years.

I don't think that there is an answer to "how long will it take to recover?" It's all relative to our unique selves, how we see the world, how we want to see the world, how we want to fit into it.... The books I mentioned both offer hopeful, empowering outlooks to reconsider our lives and our lifestyles.

...It would be interesting to know the prevalence of ED histories (or active EDs) in triathletes. I find that the exercise component "excuses" some of my behaviors so that they look normal to some; I imagine that others are in similar boats with me. If only we could be as open face-to-face as we are on-line. I'm almost positive you would each discover that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

This is my 18th day without bingeing or purging.

However,
-rather than restrict, I ate enough yesterday and am on track eating enough today. My ED is berating me for this, saying "you're not gaining weight but you are keeping the weight and puppy fat you have" which is of course unacceptable.
-I have been thinking/obsessing over food ALL FREAKING DAY. It is so annoying.

can someone just make it go away... please...

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maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

Good for you tigerchik - I'm rooting for you. As someone who struggles with weight on the other end of the spectrum, I know what it is like to think about food all the time. You are doing something really hard and should be proud that you are being honest with yourself.

Good for you tigerchick - that is awesome!

Just remember, those thoughts are just thoughts, not actions. You do not need to act on them, and they will pass. Just make it to bedtime and you have another day under your belt towards recovery. I know its really hard to eat 'normally', it feels like so much. I have been doing the same, and also have limited weighing myself to only once a week, which is hard to do.

Just know that you are not alone and the thoughts will lessen. Just tell your ED to get lost, and don't let it have power over you.

Thank you both for the support.

So I have a calendar with stickers on it; I put a sticker on for every day without bingeing/purging. I did wind up doing that last night :-( so no sticker for yesterday. My first thought was "back to day one" but it's not really... I have seventeen stickers in a row; the majority of this month is already covered in stickers :D I can get back on track today, look at the blank day yesterday and think about what I learned.


Easier said than done of course but I really like the idea. "Get lost!" I will so use that.

thanks.
xoxo
tc

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maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

I'm sorry you have issues with food too :-(

My latest recovery idea is to try some art therapy. I have been in therapy for a reaallllly long time so I am good at talking; I am good with words; I am phenomenal with writing. Lately I am tired of words - tired of all the words spinning through my head - I like the idea of creating a picture and not having to speak. My mom is an art teacher (or was before I was born!) so we have tons of art supplies in my house. Maybe I'll move my room around and have a wall I can make a mural out of (I could cover it in paper) and then stick stuff up as I do it. Tired of feeling. Tired of thinking. Tired of processing. The idea of art, creation, something "spontaneously" happening seems wonderful. So that is my goal for today: try some art. Like Frida Kahlo.

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maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

I think art sounds like a real good way to get stuff out, and a chance to explore your creative side other than by writing. Very cool! Would love to hear how you found out.

I know how hard it is for you - today will be my third day without binging, and even though my weight loss is going well b/c my workouts are (thank goodness for computrainers), I'm still dealing with other things through food rather than confronting them. So I am very proud how good you've been doing - you rock! 17 days is amazing, and you are right, you have all of that to build on, even if you slipped yesterday.

Good for you girls! 3 days w/o bingeing is a great accomplishment - I find that since I have stopped using food/exercise to numb things, I have to start dealing with them - the scary part!

Tigerchik - I said "bug off" cuz I did not want to say "F off" online LOL! Anytime I feel the urge to turn to food, or restrict, I just tell myself that it will not "fix" or change whatever is bothering me. Usually I am not even aware that something is bothering me = that is what I am working on now, is figuring out what prompts these episodes in the first place.

Something that has also been helping me is committing to NOT thinking hurtful thoughts about myself (and my body, my food intake etc) and be KIND to myself.

I have recently started 'fresh' after making it 33 days, and 29 days before that. One day at a time - I have told a friend to start counting for me and tell me once I have made it to a month! The mounting pressure of "x" days is too much for my competitive, ED mind.

I am glad we are sharing on this. I think I might have to try some art therapy as well.

I had a good day yesterday.

Today I purged.

One step forward one step back. I need to do the journaling or art or talking or whatever (it's usually journaling that works) and dig into what's causing all this... why am I not doing that? Because sitting with the feelings and sorting through them sucks. I am not sure why my brain hasn't made the connection that purging is way more un-fun than writing about all the feelings.

I had a really good morning, too. I had a calc exam and wrote some absolutely brilliant answers. I walked out of it absolutely grinning. I have some idea of what is causing all this but I've talked about it, I've written about it, and I thought I was done dealing with it.

Please lock me in a psych ward with a treadmill, a math book, and some nice canvas and paint ;-)

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maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

Tomorrow is a new day; look at your stickers and be encouraged. You have made some serious ground!

It's all about forward momentum; setbacks are normal, just keep pressing on like you are doing. I think you have some amazing fight in you.

~an equally jacked up food freak; just in a different way~

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Life is Short...Run Long