The official rules to live by for the elitist triathlete.
Badly parodied off The Official Rules of the Euro Cyclist.
-----------------Endorsed Bikes and Parts-----------------
- Shimano Gruppos
- SRAM Gruppos
- Zipp Anything
- Hed Anything
- Blackwell Research Wheelsets
- EDGE Wheelsets
- Cervelo Bicycles
- Felt Bicycles
- Specialized Bicycles
- Scott Bicycles
- Ceepo Bicycles
- Kestrel Bicycles
- Cannondale Bicycles
- Look Bicycles/Components
- Argon 18 Bicycles
- Blue Bicycles
- Orbea Bicycles
- Kuota Bicycles
- Quintana Roo Bicycles
- Elite Bicycles
- BH Bicycles
- Guru Bicycles
- Oval Componentry
- Profile Designs Componentry
- Continental Tires
- Giro Helmets
- Louis Garneau Helmets/Clothing
- Kiwami Race Wear
- Zoot Anything
- Speedo Swim Wear
- TYR Swim Wear
- Malmsten Swim Goggles
- Oakley Sunglasses
- Rudy Project Sunglasses/Helmets
- Tifosi Sunglasses
- Spuik Helmets/Clothing
- Orca Clothing
- Blue Seventy Wetsuits
- Sidi Footwear
- Newton Running Footwear
- Avia Footwear
- Skinz Compression Clothing
- 2XU Apparel
- Yankz Laces
--------------Other Endorsed Products-----------------
- Gatorade Sports Drink
- Accelerade Sports Drink
- Hammer Nutrition Products
- Clif Nutrition Products
- GU Nutrition Products
- PowerBar Nutrition Products
In tribute to The Official Rules of the Euro Cyclist created by the geniuses Dom Guiver and Mike Flavell.
***************** -THE OFFICIAL ELITIST TRIATHLETE CODE OF CONDUCT- ***************
1. An aerodynamic appearance is required at all times while swimming, cycling, and running. The only thing separating the Elitist Triathlete from greatness is the air and/or water and thankfully, one can spend inordinate amounts of money gaining the ability to cheat it in every facet imaginable.
2. Training shall be based solely upon oneâ€™s ability to talk it up to other triathletes. Backing up oneâ€™s wild claims of 8 hour rides with a quick 20 miles at the end is highly encouraged, but not always necessary due to the fact that any other triathlete one talks to will usually lie about what they did to show you up anyway.
3. There is a grace period of one year that one may wear anything other than spandex though it is HIGHLY frowned upon. Spandex is highly encouraged in ANY AND ALL situations.
4. Other than the hair on oneâ€™s head, the Elitist Triathleteâ€™s entire body will be COMPLETELY shaved at ALL TIMES when in race season and a minimum of legs in the off-season. This is not only one of the most aero things one can do to oneâ€™s body, but also distinguishes the Elitist Triathlete from Elitist Cyclists. Failure to comply will render the triathlete looking like a fool.
5. Oneâ€™s body must contain a MINIMUM of 3 different sets of tan lines. Oneâ€™s race suit tan lines, oneâ€™s speedo tan lines, and oneâ€™s cycling outfit tan lines. This also helps distinguish the Elitist Triathlete from Elitist Cyclists.
6. Other than long rides/runs, it is FORBIDDEN to wear socks at any time. Instead, the Elitist Triathlete will wear any number of shoes that are designed for sockless wear and preferably have some kind of speed-of-entry advantage. If one develops blisters, one will need to suck it up princess.
7. Certain races dictate certain race apparel. However at no time is it ever acceptable for a man to wear something not covering, at the minimum, his chest. The abdomen is completely fine showing as you will need to show your dedication to your training by having nothing less than a ten pack.
a. Sprint distance races are the only time in which it is acceptable to wear any off combination items, though strongly discouraged.
b. Olympic distance races require at least some form of standardized triathlon gear and it is highly encouraged to wear an ITU style unitard with the zipper in the back and oneâ€™s country/last name on the front.
c. Half Ironman and up it is FORBIDDEN to race in any article of clothing without prominent sponsorship logos. The only exception to this rule is to race in a swimming brief and place prominent sponsorship tattoos all over oneâ€™s body, while keeping in mind that the chest must remain covered.
8. Oneâ€™s bike frame may not cost less than $2,000 and must have an aero appearance above all else. Actual wind-tunnel testing is encouraged but not required as some designs are just brilliant from common sense. (See the Kestrel Airfoil)
9. One shall race on Zipp wheel-sets or Hed wheel-sets only with the minimum wheel depth no less than 50 mm. Though fading in popularity, it is still HIGHLY encouraged to ride a disk rear and a Hed Tri-spoke front. In fact, other than the Ironman World Championship, one should never be caught without oneâ€™s disk wheel. Campagnolo Boras, Mavic Cosmic Carbones, Fullcrum Racing Ones, and Lightweights are incredibly Euro and should be treated with extreme apprehension.
10. Clinchers are only acceptable in training and it is FORBIDDEN to ride with them in a race. Tubular tires are vastly superior in all circumstances and one must always carry a spare tubular tire behind his seat regardless of one's ability to change a tire in a race.
11. Sunglasses must be extremely radiant and obnoxious. The general rule of thumb is, if you think a rapper would wear them, youâ€™re good to go. Sunglasses must be worn under the straps as this means you pulled off a very quick transition.
12. Hair must be kept very neat and short, almost military-tapered in appearance. It is extremely frowned upon to have long hair, unless one is Ironman World Champion Faris al-Sultan. Even then, it is only okay if one adheres to the exception found in Rule 7c and wears a bandana with their country's colors.
13. A road helmet must be worn at all times in training and may only be raced in an ITU race. A matching aero helmet is required to race in and it must comply with all American safety standards. If it fails to, Charlie Crawford WILL find you and he WILL eat your lunch.
14. At no times is it ever acceptable for the Elitist Triathlete to be caught without his helmet on other than when said triathlete comes indoors, which should be kept to a strict minimum as there is nothing good inside, ever.
15. Water bottles should be chosen on the sole basis of how aero they are. It is highly encouraged to have anything requiring the use of hose to go from a large aero reservoir to your mouth.
16. If one finds themselves with a flat tire in a half or full Ironman race, one must throw their bike and hurl obscenities about how one can't possibly win the race now that one has no power. Crying is HIGHLY encouraged.
17. Work out apparel may be used more than once and it is encouraged to do so as this hints to others through odor that one is very dedicated to their training.
18. Upon completing an OFFICIAL Ironman, one has 24 hours to seek a tattoo artist to tattoo the M-Dot logo on one's leg. The M-Dot may not exceed 3 cm by 3 cm and must be located on the right leg, directly above the right ankle bone. If one wins Kona, one must instead get the Hawaiian Man of Power.
19. When getting water at water stops, one must make an effort to get the volunteers as wet as possible. This is best accomplished by throwing water on one's self from the side.
20. When one wins a race, one must grab the tape and raise it in the air over one's head which must be pointed to the sky. Screaming is HIGHLY encouraged. If no tape is available, it is advised to simply act as if there was tape there anyway.
21. Post-race composure is paramount to one's image. At no point should one ever look tired.
22. Post-race activities should include talking to reporters about:
a. How one made a gutsy move that nobody expected and that was one's key to the win.
b. How the course was less than par and hard to follow.
c. How one was simply feeling a win before even getting into the water.
23. If the Elitist Triathlete loses a race one should show signs of apparent injury and anything to show that it wasn't one's fault for losing. It is HIGHLY encouraged to either drop out mid race and/or argue with the Race Director as if that would make a difference.
24. One must be willing to wear a speedo brief or equivalent to any and all banquet type atmosphere. National Championship post-race events are prime locations for partial nudity.
25. Handlebar tape must either match one's bike or provide some sort of nod to vintage triathletes. At no point should one ever have two different colored tapes or anything that clashes with one's frame.
26. Top Gun style mustaches are HIGHLY encouraged for Ironman races. Otherwise, facial hair is forbidden.
27. If planning on getting in a training ride with a group of cyclists, the Elitist Triathlete should make a point to show up on his rig instead of an acceptable road bike. It is imperative that one also makes a point to pull the entire ride and always complain when people want to stop to grab water/use the restroom.
28. One should wait until the VERY LAST SECOND to put on one's wetsuit, regardless of how tricky it is.
29. If possible, one should make a big deal of and brag about one's eating disorder and dedication to training on any interviews they can arrange.
30. If one lives in a colder climate, they must relocate for approximately 2 months to Arizona or Florida.
31. The second best thing to winning the Hawaiian Ironman is not finishing second, it is setting the course bike record with no concern of how bad one will do on the marathon.
32. It is FORBIDDEN to have the green/purple/white color combination. This flags the Elitist Triathlete for being a member of Team-in-Training and subsequently, a road hazard.
33. One's blood type must be clearly found on one's rig. Paramedics will not accept this as proof, but it is still necessary.
34. At no point in the race should one be smiling. A strong look of composure is the only acceptable sign of life. However, is one is a female, it is perfectly acceptable and highly encouraged to laugh and joke around with male athletes when passing them.
35. Only the following should ever enter the transition area: a bicycle with everything needed to ride, running shoes, a running hat, a race belt, and a USA Triathlon monogrammed towel that is only big enough to rest under one's running gear, or over top should weather turn nasty. The gear sans bicycle may be carried in a bag, though the bag must be as small as possible and fit in to a place as to not disturb anyone else. Crates and/or buckets are STRICTLY FORBIDDEN.
36. Transitions are to be performed with the shoes on the bike with rubber bands holding them up right. One will run with the bike GRABBING THE SEAT ONLY and hop on the bike past the dismount line. This should be absolutely flawless and if said triathlete falls, this is an unwritten rule of self-disqualification.
37. Upon approaching the dismount line to enter T2, the Elitist Triathlete will not ever come to a complete stop. At the minimum, entry speed should be approximately 15 to 16 miles per hour. One will be completely off one's bike exactly at the dismount line, no more, no less. This is to display one's perfection and dedication to training that are crucial to one's image.
38. Upon attaining a pro card, one is to hold a higher standard to themselves than anyone else. Violation of any "finesse" rules above are only acceptable if said professional self-disqualifies themselves after violating said rules.
39. One must always be in a state of "training," whether it be in the winter or summer, the word is to be applied to any form of physical activity.
40. One should always look down upon and be condescending of those who are not training. This can either be accomplished by outright ignoring someone or can be applied in passive comments about how one is doing a good job but would fold under the pressure of REAL training. Adherence to Rule #2 is paramount.
41. If one cannot make the Olympic Team in one's own country, say, New Zealand, one must relocate to another country much weaker in the sport, say, the United States.
42. Running calf sleeves are STRICTLY FORBIDDEN AT ALL TIMES unless one can run 10 kilometers in under 35 minutes off the bike.
43. If one is a female competing in ITU racing, it is strongly discouraged to wear anything covering any part of the legs. It simply looks far too Ironman-like to race in at that level of the sport.
44. Powermeters are to never be used in races lower than a Half-Iron distance race as one must be going at a hella-mother-fuckin'-balls-to-the-walls pace in an Olympic or shorter.
45. In Olympic distances or shorter, computers and heart rate monitors are acceptable in races of B status or lower, though even B is discouraged. All A races must be raced in a manner that would suit the motto of HTFU.
46. One must always make sure that one is completely outfitted in every way possible by carbon fiber. This is absolutely essential as it can add to Rule #1 as well as lowering the weight of everything. EVERYTHING MUST BE AS LIGHT AS POSSIBLE. The only exception to this rule is if one is over the age of 55 when everything must be steel because, "Steel is Real."
47. Triathletes, being an elite breed of human, should only engage in romantic situations with other triathletes. Activities shall include, but are not limited to: co-ed training rides (as long as one acknowledges that it is a recovery/light aerobic base level ride), carpooling to a race, and challenging the All-You-Can-Eat offers at buffets after a race/long-training day.
48. Any romantic encounters with non-triathletes (with the exception of cyclists or marathoners) are HIGHLY discouraged as the other party would have no idea how to deal with triathlete activities (i.e. being busy the entire day with training/eating/sleeping/working and also starting the day at 5 am)
49. Alcohol may only be consumed, though minimally, during the two weeks of the year the Elitist Triathlete takes off for reflection on their Elitist Deeds and their future Elitist Deeds/Purchases. The exception to this rule is the Memphis in May triathlon when one must get as hammered as possible before the Pros take off. Another exception is the entire Wildflower Triathlon weekend.
50. One should make a point to count calories in front of non-athletic co-workers (I almost included non-athletic friends but... let's be honest...) and then proceed to comment on how fat one is becoming. Adherence to the general tone of Rule #7 is imperative.
51. Upon encountering a formidable Elitist Cyclist whilst riding one's rig, the Elitist Triathlete must pursue said cyclist, ride uncomfortably close in one's aerobars, and talk about how Lance is going to destroy the Tour de France this year whilst acting completely oblivious to the sport of cycling (regardless of one's knowledge of cycling).
*Bonus points may be attained if one can mention any of the following: "Lance Armstrong was a much better cyclist than Merckx," "Cycling is such a boring, loner, and solely individual sport," and/or "Is this a recovery ride for you? I was just wondering because you look like you're going a little slow."
52. If one is ever in any form of training and/or racing in one of the three disciplines, one must display something to indicate that one is a triathlete. This can range anywhere from having outrageous tan-lines whilst swimming, wearing a tri-suit whilst cycling, and/or having over-sized quadriceps whilst running.
53. If one is an ITU triathlete who is getting slower and decides to move up to 70.3s or Full Ironmans, one must abandon all former racing techniques. Though one could easily conform to the 15 second drafting technique with other riders and keep things interesting, one must instead crush the field on the bike and not look back. Ironman is entirely individual and should be treated as such.
54. One must make a point to always wear one's race wrist bracelet for a long period of time. Each race is different.
a. National Championship = 2 weeks
b. 70.3 Ironmans = 3 weeks
c. Ironman = 1 month
d. First completed Ironman = Til it falls off
55. When consuming gels, one must smoothly extract at least 95% of a packet's contents without swerving or dropping below a speed of 20 MPH. When gel extraction is complete, the foil packet should be neatly folded (Origami is always preferable) and placed in one's rear jersey's pocket. The foil tear-tab may be discretely flicked to the curb to "bio-degrade" (Preferably in the stomach of an endangered species). Never is it acceptable to extrude gel onto one's top-tube, or any other component of the bike for that matter.
56. If one is to become romantically involved with a non-triathlete, no more than two months may elapse before they have convinced said non-triathlete to start training. Further continuation of the relationship shall be dependent on completion of a triathlon within four months. Remember at all times that one's true "significant other" is his or her bike, and time should be allotted appropriately.