First of all, don't ask if she'll be home in time to help with the kids. She's going out with friends. Occasionally women like to remember that they're not just moms (and wives). If my husband asked if I would be home in time to help with the kids I would feel like he is either expecting me to help (after I've probably done the bulk of kidcare that day usually), doesn't like doing it by himself (that's O.K., I don't either), or is annoyed that I'm not there to help. Anyway, it's bad. I'd just assume she's not going to be home by then and roll with it. If she does come home in time to help, bonus.

This. And it's not like getting the kids ready for and putting them to bed, etc., is rocket science. I'm quite capable of and enjoy doing it myself.

I think she feels like you're treating her like a child who has to check in. I'm sure that's not how you feel, but if my husband was bugging me with texts when I'm out with friends, I'd be pretty irritated. She may be reacting a little passive aggressively by ignoring your texts. I'd back off a bit the next couple of times she goes out and see if that helps matters.

That was my thought also. I don't see a problem with a text if it's significantly past the anticipated time or something like that. But I also know that the controlling husband who texts to know whereabouts all the time is likely to be the subject of the conversation.

I prefer to know how much time i have. A self-quickie or hunting around for the perfect video on my phone.

Good point.

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Civilize the mind, but make savage the body.

- Chinese proverb

What, you need a good plot or something?

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Swimming Workout of the Day:

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2020 National Masters Champion - M50-54 - 50m Butterfly

That'd be a great response, I'd be totally ok with that.

I guess I should add that she's rarely if ever giving any indication about how late she'll be home. So I'm forced to ask. We're not "lets play it by ear" people, ESPECIALLY not her.

When your wife sends you in an errand always(!) make sure you take at least double the amount of time it actually takes to do the errand.

I'm always volunteering to run errands. The best errand is picking up prescriptions from CVS. Because the prescription just might not be ready, or their might be an unusually long line, meaning I can either grab a bite at the Thai restaurant or a drink at the pub located in the same shopping center. Or sometimes just drive around.

Married with 3 young boys so we don't have this situation often but even for standard situations we text each other when we are leaving.

I'n the stay at home dad but my wife texts me when she leaves work. It is simple common courtesy. If she hits bad traffic she texts me. This way I know to delay dinner of hold off putting the boys to bed so she can see them for a few minutes.

Let go of knowing where she is going and who she is with. Make it simply about safety and ask her to let you know when she is on her way home.

I'll have to check my tone, I think it is at worst neutral, but will double check.

We definitely check in on stuff. I make sure to do it as much as is possible, even if I'm just going to be home 5 minutes later than normal so she knows I'll still wake the kids up from naptime so she can keep working out.

If my wife didn't turn me down, I would assume she was cheating.

Dang, I hate this is in my head now, but -

Going along with your "if this has changed recently" theory, she's also been SUPER into working out since about the New Year, and has also bought some new clothes. Additional warning signs?

She felt like she didn't fully bounce back from our second child, so she's gotten really into working out and is probably in the best shape she's ever been in.

O.K., I'm adding on a bit based on your additional posts. First, she's out a lot! Much more than me, which I think factors into the situation.

I think a reasonable compromise would be to have some standing time home by for the recurring events like Zumba. She should also tell the kids that she's not going to be home by bedtime on those nights. For the MNO and friends nights, I'd probably go with the 'assume I'm home by midnight' and no further.

She did tell you. Some time after the kids are in bed. If she isn't dragging in past 2AM then I would have no issue with it.

If you truly don't care about ETA's then why the 2AM limit? After all "Sometime after the kids are in bed could me a week from today at 5AM".

You don't need to know exactly when she will arrive. If I were her I'd say 4AM. Then when I show at 2AM I can say I was early.

But wait I thought you said that if she isn't dragging in past 2AM then you would have no issue with it. So you have no issue with if she says 4AM, but if there is no time then 4AM is not ok? Again, I think this shows that you DO care but simply have a slightly larger window then others as far as "Time frame". That is ENTIRELY different then not having a time frame at all.

As I said earlier my "Time frame" changes even on time of day. Unless I'm planning something that involves my wife the "Window" is much wider open from 8AM to 8PM then it is from 8PM to midnight and midnight to 8AM etc. Leaving at 8AM and saying "Not exactly sure" is different then leaving at 8PM and saying "Not sure". "After dinner" does not mean 4AM.

Again you have an ETA window you're just not asking for a specific time.

All of this also depends on the situation, time, conditions etc.

~Matt

Here's where my wife and I use to establish the appropriate action. What would you tell your children? The other day, I started driving forward and 10 seconds later started putting on my seatbelt. Yep. She asked. "What would you say to one of your children if they did that". She was absolutely right.

So if a child is out, I want to be informed when they head home. Or if they go somewhere other than where they told me. I would do the same for my wife. She would do the same for me. Texts are easy and they work. We do this all the time.

Thanks for a second response.

Zumba is very normal, if she goes to the 7:30 Monday night one she's home at about 8:45 and I've gotten the kids ready for bed and we just pop them asleep.

I think I'm going to ask her a few questions about this (If I'm making her feel controlled or like a kid, if I'm asking with a poor tone) and then end it nicely with I'll assume midnight unless she tells me otherwise.

Apparently asking in the LR for marriage advice is basically the same thing as looking up your own symptoms on webmd. Your wife is cheating on you, and you are dying of brain cancer.

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"People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world."

2 am is closing time, at least in CA.

Up until around 2 am, it's feasible that she's still at the bar with friends. Significantly after 2 am, better chance in bed with someone.

That said, I remember telling my son when he went out on a date, "I want you in bed by 11, home by midnight."

For me, my wife knows that I can be out as late as 2:30am. Id I was to, say, go to Atlantic City and stay out until 5:00am, I'd tell her that. Otherwise, she just expects that I'll be out until 2:30.

This is what I was getting at with JPO. It's not that you don't have an ETA you have a generally known and accepted on. If you deviate from that you check in.

My wife doesn't ask when I will be home from work everyday, it's pretty close to the same time everyday. Sometimes however she does because she has to plan something. I can say "Probably usual time" and it's a relatively known ETA. Same for you if you go do something and you are generally home at 2:30 your wife doesn't have to ask, but you still have an expected ETA. If you deviate from that you let her know, again I see that as a common courtesy that I apply to everyone I know, not just my wife.

If it's an "Occasional" and "Irregular thing" then there is no established ETA so asking a time is not unusual. It really depends on the couple.

Neither me nor my wife are big "Stay out late" types when we do we are generally together. If either of us head out at night for any reason we generally give a time because it's an usual situation for us. If I was doing something regularly, when we were single I was on a mens dart league, there was a "General time we would be home". If it ended up later then that I would call.

~Matt

I have different expectations for a child versus an adult. My husband doesn't have a cell phone anyways, so texts don't work.

Going along with your "if this has changed recently" theory, she's also been SUPER into working out since about the New Year, and has also bought some new clothes. Additional warning signs?

She felt like she didn't fully bounce back from our second child, so she's gotten really into working out and is probably in the best shape she's ever been in.

I'm just going to assume this was supposed to be in pink.

But honestly if she has always been this way and it's just now bothering you because of the kids etc, then talk about and tell her it bothers you and why. If it has been a recent change and previously it was "Yeah I'll be home at "X" with no issues"...well then something else has changed.

~Matt

Up until around 2 am, it's feasible that she's still at the bar with friends. Significantly after 2 am, better chance in bed with someone.

Which is reasonable but at the same time means that ETA's matter. What those ETA's are, when etc will change from person to person and couple to couple. Saying "I don't ever ask" is not the same as saying "I don't care what the ETA is". I don't know any real stable couple that REALLY doesn't care. In this case 2:30 is fine, 4AM, not good. That means there's an ETA.


~Matt

Just rub one out anyway. Therefore, whether you're up when she comes home or not, you got to have sex with SOMEBODY that night.

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''The enemy isn't conservatism. The enemy isn't liberalism. The enemy is bulls**t.''

—Lars-Erik Nelson

If you truly don't care about ETA's then why the 2AM limit? After all "Sometime after the kids are in bed could me a week from today at 5AM".

Because some time before 2AM is a perfectly normal time for someone to come home after a night out. 5AM a week from next Tuesday is an outlier.


But wait I thought you said that if she isn't dragging in past 2AM then you would have no issue with it. So you have no issue with if she says 4AM, but if there is no time then 4AM is not ok?

I don't think I ever said no time frame. If I did I misspoke. Again, 4 AM is outside the norm in my house. I play a lot of poker at other people's house. Sometimes the game breaks up at midnight. Occasionally it goes until 3. If it were to go to daybreak that would be out of the ordinary. I would text for after 4, but I could also be home at midnight (so she knows to get her boyfriend out by 11:45). But we do mock the people who have their wives texting them at 10:30 asking when they will be home. If my wife did that to me I would be annoyed and would either ignore it or give a nonsensical answer like 5 AM a week from next Tuesday.

As I said earlier my "Time frame" changes even on time of day. Unless I'm planning something that involves my wife the "Window" is much wider open from 8AM to 8PM then it is from 8PM to midnight and midnight to 8AM etc. Leaving at 8AM and saying "Not exactly sure" is different then leaving at 8PM and saying "Not sure". "After dinner" does not mean 4AM.

I'm actually much more likely to get annoyed if she left at 8AM and didn't get home until 6 PM than leave at 8PM and get home at 6AM. If she goes out for the night I know she is out for the night. But if she leaves early in the day I may want to do something with her later. I'm not going to make plans for 1:30 AM, by that time I have handled things on my own, twice.

Again you have an ETA window you're just not asking for a specific time. All of this also depends on the situation, time, conditions etc.

And I have a big window. But sure, if she goes to lunch and has no contact until after dinner I'm going to wonder if she is in a ditch somewhere.

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I'm beginning to think that we are much more fucked than I thought.

Your request isn't unreasonable at all. And I have been through similar things with my wife so it may just be a woman thing. I always blame my time in the military but I'm all about information and timelines. If my wife is running to a friends house I ask the same questions for the same reasons. Do I need to bathe the kids and put them in bed? Will you be home before I go to bed? All I'm wanting is a ballpark eta and a text if that changes. I don't see an issue there. Plus, my wife is similar in that two drinks is a wild night for her. I can make her a pina colada and she'll still be drinking it an hour later. Meanwhile, I'm on my 4th beer.

A reversed example of this just happened:
I just went for a run during lunch. I sent a text to my wife telling her I was going running and I would call her when finished (I typically call her during lunch). I didn't call her soon enough after I finished and she called to check on me. I wasn't upset at her for checking on me. I was more upset that I didn't call when I said I would. Besides, we live in Mississippi and the heat index is 104 at the moment so she has a good reason to worry.

Bottom line: If it's midnight and I don't know where my wife is, I have a reason to worry. Just watch the news for 30 seconds and you'll see all about car wrecks and whacko's.

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The best pace is a suicide pace, and today is a good day to die. -Steve Prefontaine

I hope that your wife is not having an affair, and she probably isn't having an affair. However, there seems to be enough smoke here that I would be on the lookout, and I recommend that you don't attempt to dispel your concerns with a full on conversation about this right off the bat. I think you are going to be a bit emotional right now. I think you should just try to chill and observe for a few days before you have this conversation because you may figure out that you don't need to have it, or at least not have it along these lines.

For the OP:

I would cut your wife some slack. When women get together, the intricacies of their demonic rituals can be unpredictable. Translating the incantations is difficult, someone always forgets to bring the bucket of lamb's blood, and it can take a long time to fold up those leathery wings and hooves so they fit back into a human skin-suit once the ceremony is completed. That doesn't even take into account the chit chat that goes on around the punch and cookies table.

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Slowguy

(insert pithy phrase here...)