Hey all,
Never thought that my first ever post to Slowtwitch.com would be describing my mauling, er, attack, er, bite in the back, by a seal while warming up for the Breath of Life Olympic up in Ventura, CA. I saw that it got mentioned in another thread so I'm re-posting my write-up of the incident here. This originally was posted to the LA Tri Club email list this morning. The attached image is my back, post-race. Enjoy.
Konrad
Konrad Ribeiro, LA Tri Club
Yes. It is true. While warming up for this past Sunday’s Breath of Life Triathlon, I was bitten on my back by a seal. No, not a U.S. Navy special ops commando but an actual marine mammal. As a general rule, being bitten by a pinniped is not part of the normal risk associated with triathlon. As I learned this weekend, a nip in the backside by a seal, while not common, can certainly change the complexion of your race. The lifeguards told me that some marine mammals are having a reaction to a chemical called domoic acid. Domoic acid is a marker of what we generically call “red tide.” It causes neurological dysfunction in things like, oh I dunno, seals, making them act erratic and often aggressive. As a side note, there have been news stories about seals and sea lions being aggressive in other places as well.
Anyway, give the photo at www.latriclub.com/photos a look and you’ll see the teeth marks just above my right kidney. Fortunately, the wetsuit protected me pretty well and the teeth didn’t go through the skin so the marks are contusions more than punctures. For those concerned about rabies, don’t worry…the seal is safe. Hahaha.
Anyway, it occurred to me that there are two sides to every story. It would be far too easy for me to say “Yeah, I was swimming around minding my own business, attempting to warm up for a triathlon when I was attacked without provocation by a lunatic seal” knowing full well that the seal might have a different point of view. Obviously, the seal has a different version but isn’t able to use a normal keyboard to distribute his side of the story. After numerous interviews with his friends and other (more friendly) seals, I’ve included his version as well. So in the spirit of the classic book “The True Story of the 3 Little Pigs” (the timeworn tale as told from the WOLF’S point of view) I submit two views of Sunday morning.
Here we go.
Konrad: I went to the beach during the “mandatory” pre-race meeting in order to get a long, uncrowded warm-up and to suss out the swim course. As I entered the water (darn cold, BTW) with one other guy, we remarked about how calm and peaceful it was. [authors note: That’s called foreshadowing.]
The Seal: I was swimming around near shore minding my own business. Admittedly, I was still annoyed that the lifeguards kicked me off the beach where I had been sunning myself for the past few days. Two odd looking creatures (my friend the dolphin calls them “people”) in fake blubber began to clumsily get into MY ocean.
Konrad: We made it through the surf and while still shivering were approached by a seal. It came REALLY close to us and we made “seal noises.” You know, kind of a barking sound like the ones at SeaWorld. We were pretty stoked that it was so bold and didn’t hesitate to swim around us.
The Seal: All of a sudden, these two idiots start taunting and challenging me. At first it’s all mumbo jumbo. I can’t understand a word they are saying. I’m swimming toward them and the one guy in the silver cap says “Hey, flipper. Bite me.” Oh no he didn’t. First off, Flipper was a dolphin. Secondly, you do NOT come onto my beach and say “bite me”. And using a pejorative Antarctic fur seal accent, to boot. Dude. Uncool. I swam away to cool my jets.
Konrad: The other guy swims back to shore so I continue out to the first buoy. The water is starting to feel a bit less chilly as I loosen up. I pass a couple of lifeguards on paddleboards and ask a question about the course. I continue on to the buoy, round it and begin coming in. I see the lifeguards again and stop to chat about the water temps, etc. Suddenly, the seal pops up again and after a brief hesitation, begins swimming right at me. One of the lifeguards says “Oh, you’re so lucky. How cool is that. Its coming over. You are so lucky…”
The Seal: I’m starting to let my anger go and chase down some breakfast. A school of bait fish was nearby and I needed to get my mind off the morning: The lifeguards on the beach, those idiot swimmers, and the one guy telling me to bite him. I’m just about “over it” when an uncontrollable urge to go back and wreck his day overcomes me. Since the last red tide, I’ve had these urges to go OFF on anyone and anything: Sea lions, dolphins, other seals. And now I have some LAND ANIMAL telling me to BITE HIM?! Dude. No way. I just LOST IT. So I pop my head up and I see him talking to two other people. At least they have the good sense to be floating on foam logs. So I start swimming at him. Fast.
Konrad: Now he is swimming right at me. Fast. It is totally apparent to me that this is going to end badly. I define “badly” as “with a piece of my body in his mouth.” I’m just not sure which piece. I’m pretty much freaking out. My first thought is to swim away. Uh huh. Right. My biggest concern was that if I swam away, he’d bite my foot and I’d be done with racing for a while. So I’m doing back stroke so I can keep my eye on him. My next thought is to protect my face. I don’t need him gouging my neck or eye. He’s about 5 feet away and the lifeguard is STILL saying “How cool is this!” Lady, how does “not very cool” sound?
The Seal: Look at those feet! I’m going to put a hurting on that punk.
Konrad: At the last minute I pull my feet in and turn my back to him. I figured that if I get bit on the arse, the worst that happens is that I can’t ride a bike for a while. Which doesn’t matter at all since I haven’t been riding it much anyway. And I can stand up all day at work if I have to. So I turn. The last thing I see is the beast diving below the surface and I feel a strong impact (that bugger must weigh 100+ pounds) and…CHOMP! AHHHHHHHHH!!!! I wail like a banshee.
The Seal: CHOMP! Darn, that wasn’t a foot. But it was pretty meaty. Must’ve got his back. And for god’s sake, stop screaming like a two year old. If I had wanted to draw blood, believe me. Have you ever seen what I can do to a salmon?
Konrad: At this point, I literally, not figuratively, leap onto the lifeguard’s paddleboard. The bite has apparently not been fatal. This is good. The following exchange takes place:
Konrad: “Ahhhh! I just got f*@k!nG bit by the seal!!!”
Lifeguard 1: “Are you kidding?”
Lifeguard 2: “Are you kidding?” (As he pulls his feet up from the water. Don’t think I didn’t notice.)
Konrad: “Son of a b!t@ch that hurt. Get me the heck out of here. Mother...(and on and on. You get the point)
Lifeguard 1: “Are you serious?”
Lifeguard 2: “Um, I think he’s serious”
Konrad: “Do those things have rabies??? Wahhhhhhh….”
The Seal: Ha! Oh baby did that feel good. That’ll show ‘em. You do NOT come into my waves and bark at me. Next time I’m taking a digit. Five bucks says he’s on the beach in ten minutes crying like a baby. You better believe there ain’t NO ONE coming into my ocean today…
Konrad: Moments later, I’m on the back of a jet ski heading in. Jamie Silber and Brad Hall, true blue friends, are waiting on the beach and are clearly concerned. After confirming that (a) yes, I just got bit by a seal and (b) it wasn’t fatal or probably even serious, they burst into laughter and a line of humiliation that goes something like this: YOU GOT BIT BY A SEAL! THAT’S INSANE! OHMIGOD! WE’RE GOING TO TELL EVERYONE!
Lovely.
So you see, it wasn’t really The Seal’s fault. He was a victim of circumstance and my unwillingness to act in a respectful manner. I hold no grudge and accept full responsibility for speaking in a language that I do not know or understand while in an environment that is not my own. I will be more circumspect in the future. Oh yeah, the race: I ended up winning my age group in the swim (I had very strong motivation to get out of the water as quickly as possible). The bike was fine but I cramped like hell on the run. Some attributed the meltdown to undertraining. Others to electrolyte depletion. Still others to dehydration. But, gentle reader, it is quite clear that the massive cramps that seized both quads and a hammy were obviously the direct result of PTSD, Post Traumatic Seal Disorder.
Hope this sets the record straight. Swim safe,
Konrad
Konrad Ribeiro
Konrad
konrad@konradonthemic.com
http://www.konradonthemic.com
Race emcee services
Never thought that my first ever post to Slowtwitch.com would be describing my mauling, er, attack, er, bite in the back, by a seal while warming up for the Breath of Life Olympic up in Ventura, CA. I saw that it got mentioned in another thread so I'm re-posting my write-up of the incident here. This originally was posted to the LA Tri Club email list this morning. The attached image is my back, post-race. Enjoy.
Konrad
Konrad Ribeiro, LA Tri Club
Yes. It is true. While warming up for this past Sunday’s Breath of Life Triathlon, I was bitten on my back by a seal. No, not a U.S. Navy special ops commando but an actual marine mammal. As a general rule, being bitten by a pinniped is not part of the normal risk associated with triathlon. As I learned this weekend, a nip in the backside by a seal, while not common, can certainly change the complexion of your race. The lifeguards told me that some marine mammals are having a reaction to a chemical called domoic acid. Domoic acid is a marker of what we generically call “red tide.” It causes neurological dysfunction in things like, oh I dunno, seals, making them act erratic and often aggressive. As a side note, there have been news stories about seals and sea lions being aggressive in other places as well.
Anyway, give the photo at www.latriclub.com/photos a look and you’ll see the teeth marks just above my right kidney. Fortunately, the wetsuit protected me pretty well and the teeth didn’t go through the skin so the marks are contusions more than punctures. For those concerned about rabies, don’t worry…the seal is safe. Hahaha.
Anyway, it occurred to me that there are two sides to every story. It would be far too easy for me to say “Yeah, I was swimming around minding my own business, attempting to warm up for a triathlon when I was attacked without provocation by a lunatic seal” knowing full well that the seal might have a different point of view. Obviously, the seal has a different version but isn’t able to use a normal keyboard to distribute his side of the story. After numerous interviews with his friends and other (more friendly) seals, I’ve included his version as well. So in the spirit of the classic book “The True Story of the 3 Little Pigs” (the timeworn tale as told from the WOLF’S point of view) I submit two views of Sunday morning.
Here we go.
Konrad: I went to the beach during the “mandatory” pre-race meeting in order to get a long, uncrowded warm-up and to suss out the swim course. As I entered the water (darn cold, BTW) with one other guy, we remarked about how calm and peaceful it was. [authors note: That’s called foreshadowing.]
The Seal: I was swimming around near shore minding my own business. Admittedly, I was still annoyed that the lifeguards kicked me off the beach where I had been sunning myself for the past few days. Two odd looking creatures (my friend the dolphin calls them “people”) in fake blubber began to clumsily get into MY ocean.
Konrad: We made it through the surf and while still shivering were approached by a seal. It came REALLY close to us and we made “seal noises.” You know, kind of a barking sound like the ones at SeaWorld. We were pretty stoked that it was so bold and didn’t hesitate to swim around us.
The Seal: All of a sudden, these two idiots start taunting and challenging me. At first it’s all mumbo jumbo. I can’t understand a word they are saying. I’m swimming toward them and the one guy in the silver cap says “Hey, flipper. Bite me.” Oh no he didn’t. First off, Flipper was a dolphin. Secondly, you do NOT come onto my beach and say “bite me”. And using a pejorative Antarctic fur seal accent, to boot. Dude. Uncool. I swam away to cool my jets.
Konrad: The other guy swims back to shore so I continue out to the first buoy. The water is starting to feel a bit less chilly as I loosen up. I pass a couple of lifeguards on paddleboards and ask a question about the course. I continue on to the buoy, round it and begin coming in. I see the lifeguards again and stop to chat about the water temps, etc. Suddenly, the seal pops up again and after a brief hesitation, begins swimming right at me. One of the lifeguards says “Oh, you’re so lucky. How cool is that. Its coming over. You are so lucky…”
The Seal: I’m starting to let my anger go and chase down some breakfast. A school of bait fish was nearby and I needed to get my mind off the morning: The lifeguards on the beach, those idiot swimmers, and the one guy telling me to bite him. I’m just about “over it” when an uncontrollable urge to go back and wreck his day overcomes me. Since the last red tide, I’ve had these urges to go OFF on anyone and anything: Sea lions, dolphins, other seals. And now I have some LAND ANIMAL telling me to BITE HIM?! Dude. No way. I just LOST IT. So I pop my head up and I see him talking to two other people. At least they have the good sense to be floating on foam logs. So I start swimming at him. Fast.
Konrad: Now he is swimming right at me. Fast. It is totally apparent to me that this is going to end badly. I define “badly” as “with a piece of my body in his mouth.” I’m just not sure which piece. I’m pretty much freaking out. My first thought is to swim away. Uh huh. Right. My biggest concern was that if I swam away, he’d bite my foot and I’d be done with racing for a while. So I’m doing back stroke so I can keep my eye on him. My next thought is to protect my face. I don’t need him gouging my neck or eye. He’s about 5 feet away and the lifeguard is STILL saying “How cool is this!” Lady, how does “not very cool” sound?
The Seal: Look at those feet! I’m going to put a hurting on that punk.
Konrad: At the last minute I pull my feet in and turn my back to him. I figured that if I get bit on the arse, the worst that happens is that I can’t ride a bike for a while. Which doesn’t matter at all since I haven’t been riding it much anyway. And I can stand up all day at work if I have to. So I turn. The last thing I see is the beast diving below the surface and I feel a strong impact (that bugger must weigh 100+ pounds) and…CHOMP! AHHHHHHHHH!!!! I wail like a banshee.
The Seal: CHOMP! Darn, that wasn’t a foot. But it was pretty meaty. Must’ve got his back. And for god’s sake, stop screaming like a two year old. If I had wanted to draw blood, believe me. Have you ever seen what I can do to a salmon?
Konrad: At this point, I literally, not figuratively, leap onto the lifeguard’s paddleboard. The bite has apparently not been fatal. This is good. The following exchange takes place:
Konrad: “Ahhhh! I just got f*@k!nG bit by the seal!!!”
Lifeguard 1: “Are you kidding?”
Lifeguard 2: “Are you kidding?” (As he pulls his feet up from the water. Don’t think I didn’t notice.)
Konrad: “Son of a b!t@ch that hurt. Get me the heck out of here. Mother...(and on and on. You get the point)
Lifeguard 1: “Are you serious?”
Lifeguard 2: “Um, I think he’s serious”
Konrad: “Do those things have rabies??? Wahhhhhhh….”
The Seal: Ha! Oh baby did that feel good. That’ll show ‘em. You do NOT come into my waves and bark at me. Next time I’m taking a digit. Five bucks says he’s on the beach in ten minutes crying like a baby. You better believe there ain’t NO ONE coming into my ocean today…
Konrad: Moments later, I’m on the back of a jet ski heading in. Jamie Silber and Brad Hall, true blue friends, are waiting on the beach and are clearly concerned. After confirming that (a) yes, I just got bit by a seal and (b) it wasn’t fatal or probably even serious, they burst into laughter and a line of humiliation that goes something like this: YOU GOT BIT BY A SEAL! THAT’S INSANE! OHMIGOD! WE’RE GOING TO TELL EVERYONE!
Lovely.
So you see, it wasn’t really The Seal’s fault. He was a victim of circumstance and my unwillingness to act in a respectful manner. I hold no grudge and accept full responsibility for speaking in a language that I do not know or understand while in an environment that is not my own. I will be more circumspect in the future. Oh yeah, the race: I ended up winning my age group in the swim (I had very strong motivation to get out of the water as quickly as possible). The bike was fine but I cramped like hell on the run. Some attributed the meltdown to undertraining. Others to electrolyte depletion. Still others to dehydration. But, gentle reader, it is quite clear that the massive cramps that seized both quads and a hammy were obviously the direct result of PTSD, Post Traumatic Seal Disorder.
Hope this sets the record straight. Swim safe,
Konrad
Konrad Ribeiro
Konrad
konrad@konradonthemic.com
http://www.konradonthemic.com
Race emcee services