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My sister was quite surprised when I told her I didn't know if I want to have children
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I was emailing my sister recently, and somehow we started talking about children, family, etc. I mentioned that I wasn't sure if I wanted to have kids or not, and she was very surprised - almost like she couldn't believe it. I can understand where she is coming from, though. She's wanted to have children for a long time; and, two years ago she got pregnant but had to "abort" (not sure if that is the right word) because of an ectopic pregnancy. It took her a long time to get over this, but she and her husband will be trying again soon I'm sure.

So, that got me thinking: what are some reasons that people DO want to have children? I think about it on and off, but I'm completely sitting on the fence and feel like I could go either way. (maybe a little too heavy for a post-debate morning? :)
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Re: My sister was quite surprised when I told her I didn't know if I want to have children [matti58] [ In reply to ]
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A little light, post-debate reading for you...

http://forum.slowtwitch.com/...post=1637640#1637640

and

http://forum.slowtwitch.com/...post=1636153#1636153


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"Go that way, really fast. If something gets in your way, turn." - Charles De Mar
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Re: My sister was quite surprised when I told her I didn't know if I want to have children [P2SLowry] [ In reply to ]
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Thanks! The mighty Slowtwitch-machine comes to the rescue once again :)
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Re: My sister was quite surprised when I told her I didn't know if I want to have children [matti58] [ In reply to ]
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I think one of the stupidest things people do is to have kids because other people tell them they're supposed to have them. There is such pressure on married couples to have kids and I think that is just ridiculous. There is nothing wrong with two adults in a loving marriage not wanting to have kids, but one of the first thing out of people's mouths is "When are you going to have kids". The pressure from the families is often intense. People need to live their lives and stop getting pressured into such important decisions, particularly if they're not sure their marriage is 100% sound.

If you don't want kids, then that's great. Don't have them. Live your life, not someone else's idea of what your life should be.
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Re: My sister was quite surprised when I told her I didn't know if I want to have children [matti58] [ In reply to ]
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Having children is the best thing that can happen to anyone. To try and put into words the joy and love a child will bring to your life, and you to theirs, is impossible. But not everyone is cut out to be a parent and that's no disgrace.

"The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do."
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Re: My sister was quite surprised when I told her I didn't know if I want to have children [DawnT] [ In reply to ]
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I agree with you, Dawn. I've never been the type of person to do things based on others' expectations of me - never. And, maybe I'm lucky in a way, but being "pressured" to do X or Y has never been an issue for me. I'm certainly my "own person" if I can put it that way. I guess I'm curious as to how one "knows" if they want children. Maybe it's some overwhelming biological need or something? If so, I don't feel that....yet :)
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Re: My sister was quite surprised when I told her I didn't know if I want to have children [matti58] [ In reply to ]
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Wife and I...2 dogs, no kids--zero regrets.


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Pass the weak, hurdle the dead.
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Re: My sister was quite surprised when I told her I didn't know if I want to have children [matti58] [ In reply to ]
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Having kids is the most "unselfish act" because you are giving yourself to someone who is 100% dependent on you. Someone else's needs are more important than yours.

Triathlon is a very "selfish" sport, so it doesn't surprise me that there are many men and women who do not want to have kids.

Some people find happiness in people and loved ones and others find happiness in money, luxury items, $5000+ tri bikes, putting in countless mindless hours of training to qualify for Kona, vacations to the Caribbean, Porsches, etc.

The question you have to ask yourself: Is your happiness tied to your selfishness and down the line worth not having children? Do you want to be surrounded by a bunch of meaningless luxury items and triathlon medals from races? Or enjoy the interaction of a family?

Is it worth it not to have children because the most important thing in life was yourself?


At some point people will realize that live isn't "All About Me". If you had to give up swim, bike, run (triathlon) tomorrow, would you still be all about yourself? I'm making this point because triathlon is a short-term thing, although some people do the sport into their 70s. But the majority do stop racing and being competitive at some point. Think beyond the next 10 years and figure where you want to be in life. Do you want to be alone with no significant other?

Just think if your parents decided to NOT have kids, you would never be alive faced with the decision/dilemma on whether or not you wanted to have kids.

I will probably get a lot of flame responses from this. If you don't want to have kids because you are not cut out for being a parent, then don't. But don't have kids because of material things because money can't buy the joy from having and loving a family.


I will also post this to the other related threads.
Last edited by: trigirl19: Oct 16, 08 8:32
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Re: My sister was quite surprised when I told her I didn't know if I want to have children [matti58] [ In reply to ]
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You know, there are still days that I can't do something I want to because of child commitments where I'll wish for a split second that I didn't have that responsibility. Of course, every time I see those 2 year old faces smile or hear "I love you, Daddy" or watch them playing with their trucks or "reading" books or playing together or learning something new, it's all worth way more than not getting that new P3C or getting to do my 75 mile group ride or whatever it was I wanted to do.


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Steve Perkins
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Re: My sister was quite surprised when I told her I didn't know if I want to have children [matti58] [ In reply to ]
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I don't think everyone always knows for sure. Some people want children from a very young age. I grew up with lots of nieces and nephews around, which was great, so I always thought I'd want lots of kids. I was also the youngest of 7 kids and I loved growing up in a big family. I used to tell my husband that I wanted 4 or 5 kids. Even after the first, I continued to think that. After I had my second child, I just knew I was done and that two was enough.

I always knew I wanted kids, but not everyone is like that. Some people aren't sure, some people are sure they don't want kids, some people change their mind as they get older or as their life situation changes. I think it's similar to saying "How do you know you want to get married?". You just get to a point where having kids just seems so right and not having kids isn't an option any more. If you never get to that point, then that's fine.

From my experience, many women come to point where they want kids before the men do. I think it's important for the couple to wait to have kids until both are ready. I was ready way before my husband was, but we waited 5 years before trying. Those years were really great and I'm glad we waited now because our relationship was so much stronger when we did finally have a baby.
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Re: My sister was quite surprised when I told her I didn't know if I want to have children [steveperx] [ In reply to ]
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Thanks for your post. Do you ever think about what happens when they grow up? I think that's one thing that does scare me...what happens when they get to jr. high age? Maybe I'm negatively biased, but I grew up with a brother and sister that were always getting in trouble....partying, underage drinking, and pot. My family was constantly fighting because of this; usually, I just slipped away to let the others fight it out. I know I'm oversimplifying, but it seems that when kids get to jr. high age, they turn into complete assholes. Having to manage and deal with all of that "shit" doesn't seem very appealing in any way.
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Re: My sister was quite surprised when I told her I didn't know if I want to have children [matti58] [ In reply to ]
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A lot of my friends about my age do not have kids, and are not going to. I was always of the mind I could go either way, but was not overly concerned with it. As time goes by, I have no regrets, and it is still possible it could happen, but I'm not searching it out. I believe the biological drive to pass on ones genes, is weakening overall in the more educated. I think it is some species survival switch that has turned on because of the over crowding of the planet. There are all sorts of switches in our brains like that. ANd having a kid switches a different one on. When people have a kid, even when they didn't really want one, or were indifferent, it clicks on, and you see a version of a stepford wife in the parents. You have heard it described in most of the posts here where people have had kids. I wouldn't stress about it, if it comes the switch will turn in you, and you will not remember your old life, or long for it for more than a few seconds. You will have been absorbed into the collective, resistance is futile.......
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Re: My sister was quite surprised when I told her I didn't know if I want to have children [matti58] [ In reply to ]
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I'm not sure if it was a biological need or not. I can just tell you that at 28 I wanted nothing to do with kids. Like a lot of people I had a girlfriend and a dog and that was OK but I also think that period was mostly about me establishing myself in my job and being free to do what I wanted when I wanted. However, at 35 I knew I was making a mistake not having them. Call it maturity or whatever you want. I made the right choice in having kids later in life and I could never see myself without them now. I think it was in the movie "When Harry Met Sally" that Harry said the good thing about being a man is you can have kids when you are 80. You just can't pick them up... ;)

"The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do."
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Re: My sister was quite surprised when I told her I didn't know if I want to have children [matti58] [ In reply to ]
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Of course I do. It scares the crap out of me. But there are too many things that could happen to spend time worrying about it. You just accept that there will be challenges and address them as they come up.


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Steve Perkins
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Re: My sister was quite surprised when I told her I didn't know if I want to have children [trigirl19] [ In reply to ]
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"Having kids is the most "unselfish act" because you are giving yourself to someone who is 100% dependent on you. Someone else's needs are more important than yours."

Thank you very much for your feedback. If I'm understanding you correctly, are you saying that not having kids is selfish? If so, I don't understand that. I've heard that from lots of people (not directed at me), and it blows my mind that some people think that. But I respect your thoughts. Thanks for sharing.

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Re: My sister was quite surprised when I told her I didn't know if I want to have children [matti58] [ In reply to ]
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I didn't want anything to do with kids when in my 20's. I changed my mind in my early 30's. Best thing I ever did.

From a purely economic point of view kids may not make a lot of sense. DINK's have more disposeable income than families, but consider that my parents are now in their 80's and they've got my brother and I plus four grandchildren to pamper them in their old age. I'd hate to be that age and be all on my own.
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Re: My sister was quite surprised when I told her I didn't know if I want to have children [matti58] [ In reply to ]
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Not having kids is selfish if people are so caught up in the "now" of wanting the BMW or wanting to qualify for Kona, etc. and putting those priorities over their personal lives. But if they are unfit parents and would not love and take care of their kid (if they were to have kids), then they are better off not having kids. Didn't mean to come off as if I were attacking you at all. To the contrary, I respect that you are giving it some serious thought.

To often people in their 20s and for men in their 30s are so caught up in material distractions that they do miss out on other things. Then later in life, after the new BMW has warn off, they've done Kona 5 times, or they've wasted 15 years of their life and 20hrs per week trying to qualify for Kona, they live to regret their decisions on not having kids. I've seen a couple of very competitive triathletes who are now in their 50s who live kind of pathetic lives (alone who's full time job is working at a running shoe store scraping to survive with no real close relations) who has regretted not paying more attention to their personal lives. Those are exceptions to the rule though since a majority of triathletes do have some semblance of a personal life with a significant other in their life.

If you are in your 20s, you have plenty of time and I would not recommend making any hard decisions either way. Anyone who has had kids never regrets it. Anyone who has not had kids makes some excuse that they world is already over populated. Each side will give you their point of view.

I think you'll know deep down whether you want them in time, and that comes with maturity. Lucky for you that you are a man and don't have the time issues that women have, if they were on the fence.
Last edited by: trigirl19: Oct 16, 08 9:21
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Re: My sister was quite surprised when I told her I didn't know if I want to have children [DawnT] [ In reply to ]
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Good points by Dawn. My wife and I were married for 14 years before our daughter was born this past March. I don't know how many times we heard over the years from friends, family and co-workers with children "When are you going to have kids?" or "How come you don't have kids?" or even worse "You have it so easy because you don't have kids" or "You don't know what you're talking about because you don't have kids". We weren't sure if we wanted to start a family or were ready to start one, and we certainly weren't going to just because people were telling us we had to. In the meantime, we were both happy and training for IM's together and able to take the occasional trip and it was great, and we eventually got to the point that we felt ready to have a child. Now that our daughter is here, she is the best thing that has ever happened to us. Neither of us have any regrets in waiting as long as we did or feel like we are missing out on anything now.

There is no shame in not wanting to have children or in waiting because you aren't sure if you are ready or want to have them. The worst thing to do is have them for the wrong reasons because other people are or because they said you should. It is your decision (you and your spouse/SO) and yours alone.



"You can never win or lose if you don't run the race." - Richard Butler

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Re: My sister was quite surprised when I told her I didn't know if I want to have children [trigirl19] [ In reply to ]
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Your post is overly simplistic and a good example of black and white, either/or thinking. Life, and people, are much more complicated than that. Most people I know are able to find happiness in people AND train for tris, take vacations and making money. it's not an all or nothing proposition.
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Re: My sister was quite surprised when I told her I didn't know if I want to have children [matti58] [ In reply to ]
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I think I would disagree with trigirl19 somewhat. Having kids is a somewhat selfish act. We had kids because we wanted kids. OTOH, she's correct that not having kids can be considered selfish, too, although, I'd argue that people who recognize they can't or don't want to take on the responsibility of parenthood are also at least acting in what they consider to be the best interests of their potential children. So, either way, you're being somewhat selfish and somewhat unselfish depending on how you want to look at it.

The decision to have or not have kids is a personal one. Not everyone can or should be a parent. It's a LOT of work (just ask my wife ha ha!). You need to give up a lot of what you want so that your kid(s) can get what they need. You're bound to screw up on some things. There is no gurantee that your kid will turn out how you want him/her to. It's scary. BUT... there are an awful lot of rewarding moments that can make it more than worthwhile. It all really depends on who you are and what you want out of life. It's a big decision, and not one to be entered into lightly. Fortunately you do have some control over when that decision needs to be made.


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Steve Perkins
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Re: My sister was quite surprised when I told her I didn't know if I want to have children [cerveloguy] [ In reply to ]
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"I changed my mind in my early 30's."

If you don't mind me asking, what caused you to change your mind?

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Re: My sister was quite surprised when I told her I didn't know if I want to have children [trigirl19] [ In reply to ]
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I really disagree with you. Not having kids is not selfish at all. Some people just don't like kids. Some people like kids as long as they belong to someone else (and those people make great aunts, uncles, friends, etc). Why would you force them to raise children when it's the most important job anyone can have? Having kids because other people expect you to or thinking that the kids are going to save the marriage is selfish. Anyone who brings a child into a marriage that is not 100% sound is selfish.
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Re: My sister was quite surprised when I told her I didn't know if I want to have children [DawnT] [ In reply to ]
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What could be worse then to become a parent and not want your kids? Please,if you really don't want kids act on your thoughts. Men and women get your eggs/sperm frozen just in case... Then get a vasectomy or tubes tied. Don't let an abortion be your birth control answer when that's not necessary.

"The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do."
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Re: My sister was quite surprised when I told her I didn't know if I want to have children [trigirl19] [ In reply to ]
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In Reply To:

If you are in your 20s, you have plenty of time and I would not recommend making any hard decisions either way. Anyone who has had kids never regrets it. Anyone who has not had kids makes some excuse that they world is already over populated. Each side will give you their point of view.

I think you'll know deep down whether you want them in time, and that comes with maturity. Lucky for you that you are a man and don't have the time issues that women have, if they were on the fence.
Are you kidding??? If anyone who has children doesn't regret it, why are so many children being dumped at hospitals? Last week a woman drove to Nebraska from Michigan to legally dump her 13 year old child.
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Re: My sister was quite surprised when I told her I didn't know if I want to have children [DawnT] [ In reply to ]
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I don't want to argue because many times it gets twisted around to these 4 scenarios:

Having Kids:
1. People are selfish for having kids because they wanted them. Which is probably the worst rationalization of calling the most selfless act of having kids - as selfish?
2. People are unselfish for having kids because they have to sacrifice but have the joy of having a family.

Not Having Kids:
3. People are selfish for not having kids because they prioritize "me" over anyone else.
4. People are unselfish for not having kids because they will spare themselves for being a bad parents if they brought kids into the world.

It depends on your point of view. No one likes to be called "selfish". Whatever motivation it is to have kids or not have kids, be it selfish or not is their own choice. But at some point, focusing on yourself, taking that vacation to Europe for the 10th time, grinding out another 20 hrs a week trying to qualify for Kona, etc. At some point, you do realize that there is something more important in life and more important than just self-serving yourself and your own needs. I'll leave it at that.
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