Are these Jokes?
If not I need to set up my site. "Talentless fat guy to Kona in 5 years."

To "finish" and IM. You need a $500 used road bike. If you can afford $2000+ for entry fee, lodging, food, etc.... you can find $500 for a cheap used road bike and throw some $50 aerobars off e-bay. Hell, I have a set of Syntach clips-ons he can have for $10 plus shipping.

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TrainingBible Coaching
http://www.trainingbible.com

I might donate $100 to get a personalized letter and race report. Or perhaps $250 so I can get his sweaty Jersey.

This all has to be in pink font.

Gotta give him props for trying