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The Slowtwitch Rules
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Just braindumping... Inspired by the "Don't overthink it" thread and the Velominati, I think we need a set of basic ground rules for the uninitiated triathlete (but with less of the pretentious wank of the latter).

For starters:
  1. Dan Slowman is right. So shut up and listen.
  2. Resistance is Useless. Thou shalt do everything possible in your budget to minimise rolling and aero resistance. Read the link above. Ignore it at your peril.
  3. It's not all about the bike. It's about your position on the bike. Your meatsack contributes way more drag than the inanimate carbon rods it's perched on. So get your fit sorted.
  4. Your last bike fit sucks. Post a video here and we will tell you why.
  5. Your saddle is too high.
  6. You suck at swimming because you don't swim enough. Do more.
  7. Also your swimming stroke sucks. Post a video and we will tell you why too. But mostly you suck at swimming because of #6.
  8. Don't ask which saddle to buy. You're all individuals. (Crowd: "Yes! We're all individuals!") Just keep buying saddles until you find one that works, or your scranus has hardened up.
  9. Love indoor training. Triathlon isn't about enjoying the outdoors, getting social, or feeling fit and energetic. It's about suffering in solitude for countless hours in your own pool of sweat until you hit a certain metric number and/or qualify to get an M-dot tattoo.
  10. Trucker hats.
  11. The correct number of miles to run is i-1 (where i is the number at which you get injured).



Got some more to share?
Last edited by: MattyK: Feb 25, 18 16:27
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Re: The Slowtwitch Rules [MattyK] [ In reply to ]
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Your swimming stroke sucks because your last bike fit sucks?
Last edited by: Diabolo: Feb 25, 18 15:52
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Re: The Slowtwitch Rules [Diabolo] [ In reply to ]
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Diabolo wrote:
Your swimming stroke sucks because your last bike fit sucks?
Fixed (I shuffled some things...)
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Re: The Slowtwitch Rules [MattyK] [ In reply to ]
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12. All of the advice should have been written in pink font but we're too lazy to actually change the font color. Unless, of course, it was good advice. Then normal font color was on purpose.






Take a short break from ST and read my blog:
http://tri-banter.blogspot.com/
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Re: The Slowtwitch Rules [MattyK] [ In reply to ]
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#3 can't be true otherwise Canyon would release their aero data and Lionel Sanders may have won Kona had he not been on a Louis Garneau apparently???
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Re: The Slowtwitch Rules [MattyK] [ In reply to ]
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not bad ... but just google urban dictionary slowtwitch for another good take.

_____________________________________
What are you people, on dope?

—Mr. Hand
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Re: The Slowtwitch Rules [scofflaw] [ In reply to ]
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scofflaw wrote:
not bad ... but just google urban dictionary slowtwitch for another good take.

Thanks for posting, i had no idea slowtwitch had made it to the Urban Dictionary. :)


"Anyone can be who they want to be IF they have the HUNGER and the DRIVE."
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Re: The Slowtwitch Rules [scofflaw] [ In reply to ]
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This just made my day
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Re: The Slowtwitch Rules [MattyK] [ In reply to ]
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Any pain you have is easily diagnosed and correctable through community advice thereby negating the need to see a real medical professional.
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Re: The Slowtwitch Rules [AndrewL] [ In reply to ]
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"The Rules" are a super dumb gimmick
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Re: The Slowtwitch Rules [MattyK] [ In reply to ]
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You must add Zwift at least 3 times in #9.

Team Zoot So Cal
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Re: The Slowtwitch Rules [Karl] [ In reply to ]
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Karl wrote:
You must add Zwift at least 3 times in #9.

Yes, or Trainer Road. And if it doesn't get kudos on Strava then it never happened.

13. A triathlon event consists of 6 events:
  • Swim
  • Transition
  • Ride
  • Transition 2
  • Run
  • Make excuses

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Re: The Slowtwitch Rules [MattyK] [ In reply to ]
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MattyK wrote:
Karl wrote:
You must add Zwift at least 3 times in #9.

Yes, or Trainer Road. And if it doesn't get kudos on Strava then it never happened.

13. A triathlon event consists of 6 events:
  • Swim
  • Transition
  • Ride
  • Transition 2
  • Run
  • Make excuses


#7. Nutrition. Or lack thereof. Nevermind, just take BASE salt.....that's all you need anyway.

Pink? Maybe. Maybe not. You decide.
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Re: The Slowtwitch Rules [japarker24] [ In reply to ]
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japarker24 wrote:
#7. Nutrition. Or lack thereof. Nevermind, just take BASE salt.....that's all you need anyway.
Nutrition is a subset of Excuses.
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Re: The Slowtwitch Rules [MattyK] [ In reply to ]
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MattyK wrote:
Karl wrote:
You must add Zwift at least 3 times in #9.

Yes, or Trainer Road. And if it doesn't get kudos on Strava then it never happened.

13. A triathlon event consists of 6 events:
  • Swim
  • Transition
  • Ride
  • Transition 2
  • Run
  • Make excuses

Where’s T3?
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Re: The Slowtwitch Rules [MattyK] [ In reply to ]
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12. Use the search function (even though it sucks!)
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Post deleted by windschatten [ In reply to ]
Last edited by: windschatten: Feb 25, 18 23:16
Re: The Slowtwitch Rules [windschatten] [ In reply to ]
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# There is no budget. The more money you spend, the faster you go.

I have worked extremely hard over the years and may be able to dispel this theory. Only a few more years and thousands of dollars to go.

# It's all about the illusion of looking fast whilst racking your bike before a race.
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Re: The Slowtwitch Rules [MattyK] [ In reply to ]
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MattyK wrote:
You're all individuals. (Crowd: "Yes! We're all individuals!")
I'm not
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Re: The Slowtwitch Rules [scofflaw] [ In reply to ]
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scofflaw wrote:
not bad ... but just google urban dictionary slowtwitch for another good take.

Great way to start a gloomy Monday rest day.

All I Wanted Was A Pepsi, Just One Pepsi

Team Zoot, Team Zoot Mid-Atlantic

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Re: The Slowtwitch Rules [Toefuzz] [ In reply to ]
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Toefuzz wrote:
MattyK wrote:
Karl wrote:
You must add Zwift at least 3 times in #9.

Yes, or Trainer Road. And if it doesn't get kudos on Strava then it never happened.

13. A triathlon event consists of 6 events:
  • Swim
  • Transition
  • Ride
  • Transition 2
  • Run
  • Make excuses


Where’s T3?

Probably best to have T3 straight after the run, then you can save all of your excuse making for one session at the end...
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Re: The Slowtwitch Rules [awenborn] [ In reply to ]
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awenborn wrote:
Toefuzz wrote:
MattyK wrote:
Karl wrote:
You must add Zwift at least 3 times in #9.

Yes, or Trainer Road. And if it doesn't get kudos on Strava then it never happened.

13. A triathlon event consists of 6 events:
  • Swim
  • Transition
  • Ride
  • Transition 2
  • Run
  • Make excuses


Where’s T3?


Probably best to have T3 straight after the run, then you can save all of your excuse making for one session at the end...

Back when I used to golf I was taught to have your excuses in line before you started. For example, while warming up at the driving range make sure to mention your sore back, lack of sleep, etc. With that in mind, maybe T3 should actually be prior to the start of the race. Perhaps a porta potty?
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Re: The Slowtwitch Rules [Toefuzz] [ In reply to ]
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12. You must post at least one thread about Lionel Sanders, any threads about any other pro Triathletes you must attempt to derail on subject of Lionel Sanders.
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Re: The Slowtwitch Rules [elf6c] [ In reply to ]
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elf6c wrote:
"The Rules" are a super dumb gimmick

The only ones that count

http://www.velominati.com/the-rules/

"What's your claim?" - Ben Gravy
"Your best work is the work you're excited about" - Rick Rubin
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Re: The Slowtwitch Rules [RandMart] [ In reply to ]
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Rule #1: There is a special Circle of Hell for those who fudge their Training Logs

In my mind this is how they're laid down

First Circle: People Who Fudge Their Training Logs
Second Circle: Bike Thieves
Third Circle: Race Bandits, Bib-Swappers, Bib-Copiers, and Those Who Take TWO Finishers Medals
Fourth Circle: Dopers, Course Cutters, and Other Assorted Cheats [may include people having extramarital affairs with a Coach or Running Partner, but not always]
Fifth Circle: Gamblers, Sportswriters, and People Who Make up Charity Scams
Sixth Circle: Sports Agents
Seventh Circle: Team Owners
Eighth Circle: League Commissioners
Ninth Circle: Al Davis ... Alone for now, but saving spaces for Jerry Jones, OJ, Joe Buck, The Krzyzewski/Pitino/Calipari Triumvirate and Roger Goodell

"What's your claim?" - Ben Gravy
"Your best work is the work you're excited about" - Rick Rubin
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