Your wife doesn't sound very nice.

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My triathlon training blog

Sorry to hear that. I have no advice - but I hope someone does.

My mother-in-law and sister-in-law hate each other. Doesn't help the sister-in-law is completely and totally fucking batshit crazy. End result has been there is no contact between the 2, grandma doesn't get to see her grand daughter, and her son is a complete pussy who has let this happen and not done a damn thing to help it. He also doesn't have much contact with his parents any more that we all think is as a directive from said wife.

We've tried to lightly intervene but it didn't work. My husband and his brother don't talk much any more either. It sucks. We've left it in my brother-in-laws court - he needs to nut up and stand up to his wife, or leave her ass - that's about the only thing that will end this rift.

Unfortunately for our sake - if anything is ever to be done - the past will have to be brought up and dealt with. There is no moving forward without clearing out the past. That's the hard part, and the longer it lingers - going on 4 years now, the worse it gets.

Good luck.

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Harry: "I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this."
Loyd: "I was thinking the same thing. That John Denver's full of shit, man."

Classic chick cat fight, stay out of it.

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Hold my Beer and watch this!

How is that helpful?

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Jen

"In order to keep a true perspective on one's importance, everyone should have a dog that worships him and a cat that will ignore him." - Dereke Bruce

Hmm, been there with in-law issues but never to the degree that you are citing. I agree it will be another hurtful battle with no winners if your brother and his wife find out about the pre-school request. My only advice and I am no expert is to try to be loyal to your wife first, sadly even before your brother in this situation. No matter how unreasonable it all is and even darn right ugly your patience and loyalty has to lie with your wife. You don't have to agree with what she did and you should have serious adult conversations about why it was not acceptable BUT only privately. Try to reduce the friction by having the true adults, your brother and you, act as adults and hope that the petty or more childish behaviour by your wife and sister-in-law diminishes over time. If not try to keep their contact to a minimum. Good luck.

This all the way. OP reads like the NJ housewives.

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DISH is how we do it.

Personally, and contrary to most, I'd haul them both in and call it. Make it very obvious. If they're both party to it (which you've suggested in the subject), then they're both behaving childishly and selfishly. Make it very clear that this is a long term relationship for all of you including the children and you expect them to put their differences on the table now, hear each other out, deal with it and both come up with a better way to move forward.

You wouldn't put up with this crap in the workplace and it shouldn't be any different at home. It disrespects all the relationships in your family and provides really destructive role modelling for the kids. If they want attention, tell them to find it in another more positive way.

As a dude you obviously want to try and fix things. I have some long winded family issues, and I advise you as one dude to another, stay the fuck out of it, you won't get anywhere.

This always seems to be a woman thing doesn't it? At least guys will drink beer together, put up with each other and let it go afterwards. My wife doesn't really like my sister in law and vice versa, so whenever I do anything with my brother we usually just leave the women at home. Its sad, but that it is the way it is.

It sounds like your wife has taken this to a different level by involving the kids. That was just low IMHO.

This was a strategy I was contemplating. I was going to bring it up with my brother and ask him to gently nudge his wife to some nice gestures directed at my wife and at the same time I'll nudge my wife to try the same. Its really difficult to keep contact at a minimum since we live less than a mile apart and both have young kids the same age. The grandparents are close to everyone too so its hard to come up with excuses why we cant do things all together.

My sisters-in-law (two of them!) developed an irrational hatred of me, stemming from pretty much the first time they ever met me. After ten years of suffering this one way hatred and getting no support from my husband (who pretty much told me to just ignore them), the situation came to a head over an email barrage.

When his brother accused him of receiving extra favour from the parents and my husband defended himself listing the countless chores he has done for his parents to show that he is not taking advantage of them for babysitting, that email he wrote was attributed to me (!) with my sisters-in-law saying that they would now cut ME off (FOREVER). I watched this ridiculous email exchange between them since I was being cc'd on everything.

Finally after the cutoff letter, I wrote back saying that I did not write my husband's email (I actually told him not to send it!) and that I intended to stay married, so for the sake of our children so they could have the pleasure of having cousins, we should get along. I said that they would always be welcome in my house for dinner.

That pretty much ended more than a decade of catty sniping. It was all one way--they hated me and I didn't know why they were so vitriolic. All I wanted was for them to like me. I suspect jealousy was at the root of it. My mother-in-law didn't help matters by telling my SILs what a great job I'm doing raising my kids and what a crappy job they were doing raising theirs. I have repeatedly told my MIL *NOT* to interfere with how they raise their children.

Hard to believe, but six years later we hang out together, and just this past weekend we were over at their house to have dinner (and my daughter was sleeping over) and the next day we did a hike together. Our kids love each other. We are not best friends, but we see each other frequently.

There really isn't a subtle way to end the war. Someone who is more mature needs to extend a sign of peace. There is no need to discuss imagined slights. Everyone loses in your situation. I can't imagine things could get any worse in your case. If your sister-in-law wanted her daughter in the same preschool as your daughter, then that suggests that your wife is the one who feels more hatred.

Unless your wife can see that it is mutually beneficial to everyone to be on a friendly basis, then nobody wins.

So not always a woman thing. Probably usually, but I could regale you for hours with the crap my uncles have pulled on each other - including millions of dollars in legal judgements against the family business (which now exists in name only after about 70yrs) all trying to get to his younger brother. Ugliness, greed & just plain nasty people. It's trickled down through our generations as well, cousins no longer speak & no one sees each other. At least with the two of us that are still good being only children, it makes our Christmas shopping much easier.

Not even mentioning the other half of the family that I don't even know, have never even met & have no care to see - all because of a disagreement with my grandparents about 55yrs ago.

There's no subtle way to do anything when it comes to family. Subtlety leads to more accusations of back-stabbing & favoritism & on down the line. Just stick them in a room with boxing gloves, or at the very least ask them to have a respectful conversation with ALL parties present. If for no other reason than the children, the grown adults should be able to at least be reasonable. Family is something that comes in handy sometimes. I wouldn't really know.....but I can imagine. I know not having family can be kind of lonesome.

And remember, people can be really, really mean when they're hurt & afraid. Anger is nothing but fear projected. Good luck getting to the bottom of it.

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AW

Why not get grandma involved, dudes shouldnt get in the middle of this shit. you and your brother talk to grandma and have her do the girl to girl thing with both of them and explain to both of them, that this cat fight isnt good for anyone and they need to get on with it.

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Hold my Beer and watch this!

Not in the least. My husband and his brother haven't spoken to each other in years because the brother is a dick. No, not all guys will drink beer and put up with crap. Sexist comment.

As for advice, I second the the idea that you must take your wife's side - even if you don't agree with her all the time. And don't bring it up or try and fix things. It'll probably make it worse and you end up being the bad guy.

As for the comments about her being nasty, perhaps there was something that lead up to the event of calling the school? Not getting the full story and I highly doubt slagging off this guy's wife is going to help him.

Agreed that it's not just a woman thing. I know plenty of warring brother pairs, some very underhanded nonsense. With some men, it's a pissing contest that extends from childhood into adult life.

The more I know about other families, the more I appreciate it that my own family members still speak to one another.

First off, you and your wife need to have a serious talk about what she did. IMHO that was unacceptable - to bring the kids into this mess is totally unfair to them. Once you and her have your shit sorted out (privately), one of you call the preschool and rescind that crap.

If your wife doesn't like the SIL, then she can be the adult here and just avoid or minimize the situations where she is in contact with her. For example, maybe your wife doesn't go to family gatherings any more. She can grow up and (a) exclude herself from settings in which she does not want to participate to allow you and your kids to hang with family or (b) figure out a way to resolve the unresolved issues with the SIL.

FWIW, I hated my ex's sister too. We just decided to minimize our contact as much as practical, and mutually agreed to be on mature/best behaviour at family gatherings. It sucked, cuz man I hated her. So I skipped some of her family's events, and she skipped some of mine. We still hate each other but now we don't ever have to see each other again :-)

AP

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"How bad could it be?" - SimpleS

I agree with AndyPants. Bringing the children into this is not fair to the kids. It does nothing but inflame the situation.

The entire side of my husband's family is nutso. But, the last thing I want in my life is drama caused by crazy, bitter, petty people. So, when we are at family gatherings with his family, I manage to control my eye-rolling and sarcasm for a couple of hours. Seriously, we are all adults, can we not just act like it. And, if I am not in the mood for dealing with crazy, then I just "have a migraine" and stay home. The last thing I want to do is prevent my husband from seeing his family.

My husband can't stand my brother and his wife. Most of the time when I visit them, he "has to work".

I also agree with the person who said your wife is mean. She should be encouraging you to spend time with your brother and his kids. She shouldn't put you in a situation where you are forced to choose. That's selfish and childish. She should be supporting your family interactions, not setting fire to them.

"I second the the idea that you must take your wife's side - even if you don't agree with her all the time."

I disagree with that. He should sit down and talk to his wife. Dragging the kids into this was wrong and its wrong IMHO to just blindly agree with his wife just because she's his wife, especially when she was in the wrong. You're making it seem like its strictly a choice between his wife or the rest of the family. I'd rather see some sort of a compromise reached even if that means letting the wife know that her behaviour was hitting below the belt.

We don't know what lead up to the phone call though, do we? Sorry but it is rather stalker like to have some family member show up at your kid's school and try enroll them in the same class - more so when there is a history of not getting on. The SIL sounds off in my opinion and seems to be wanting to create drama.

No one said anything about "blindly" agreeing to anything. You're a couple and you show a united front for others. Any notion that there is an issue between them over this could be like blood in the water for a shark. It will also cause serious issues between them in THEIR relationship if they don't look like they have it sorted out in front of others. I have seen couples break up because of family issues where the other didn't support the spouse that has problems with a family member. It isn't pretty. One can let their spouse know they are not happy with the situation and deal with it but deal with it at home. When it comes down to it, is it worth the marriage because that may be what it costs. If it isn't, then side and sort something out - like agreeing to rotate who attends what family function . If it is? Then either get divorced or live with the drama.

I 100% agreeing that getting kids involved is out of line but keeping them out of the issues seems to be what the wife was trying to do with contacting the school. I certainly wouldn't not want to have to deal with my husband's brother and his kids in my kid's class. Seems she feels the same. How many schools are there in the area? I doubt just the one. Sounds like the SIL is trying to cause issues.

Family dynamics can be so challenging and hurtful as well as wonderful and supportive.

I don't know all the facts but believe you need to put your immediate family first. Protect your kids if being around relatives is harmful to them.

I see in my family folks that have similar tenancies often don't like each other. Controlling type people don't like others who are controlling.

My MIL is racist and since we adopted our non white children 18 years ago she hasn't visited us and rarely talks to my husband. Our girls don't even know who she is. They have meet her twice. We choose to protect our kids from that toxic environment over trying to get along with extended family and hurting our children.

My parents both passed away last year. They tried to make everything fair for the estate and life. Yet feelings were hurt and it was a very trying time. My brother hasn't spoken or contacted me for 3 months, he is the executor and also a Phd in Psychology. I can't imagine how the whole death/estate issue will be for families that are so nasty to each. My MIL will be broke so it won't be an issue when she passes away.

I don't know the answer but hope things improve.

Whoa, what? A broke racist? I've never heard of that before.

I did not read a damn thing anybody said in this thread. the only thing i have to say is people need to grow up!! Life aint all sunshine and rainbows i get that but the little things people fight about and "the past" bs it really is not that big of a deal. I had stupid drama like that in my life and guess what i said to hell with this and bought my enemy roses and apologized. what you need to do is handle the situation like a man get both the women in the same room together and figure it out asap. It all stops NOW! control your destiny. it is not worth it one bit. Stop the nonsense, Stop the games, take back what is yours!

what you need to do is handle the situation like a man


How is this different than handling it like an adult?



take back what is yours!


What is his?

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Jen

"In order to keep a true perspective on one's importance, everyone should have a dog that worships him and a cat that will ignore him." - Dereke Bruce