It kind of sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Yep!

Do you know any female triathlon friends that could help her?

Maybe you can draw the line at creating a training program for her vs. being her personal trainer through her workouts. If she is looking for someone to be accountable to then you need to tread lightly and obviously let her know routinely that you love her regardless of what kind of shape she is in.

I've done something somewhat similar with my wife (although losing weight was not necessary for her). My advice is to keep your distance. That is, act as a resource for articles, books, DVDs, etc that you have found useful, and try not to give too much advice that is specific to her (like "I thought you said you were going to work out today. Are you going, or what!?!?!") If she wants more than that, I agree with others that it's a recipe for disaster. Buy her a gift certificate for a personal trainer, etc.

take the 1K you'll spend on marriage counselling and buy her the best trainer sessions you can for 3 months or however long you can get, and try to include a girlfriend of hers that is reasonably into working out.

if you don't want to do that--doing a workout together might be the best way to go about it; hike, lunge together, and push her along. if you can "squeeze her in" 3 times a week, you might actually have some fun with her in a workout type of arena.

another option is to try to get her into yoga or pilates, this way the pressure is off of you.

lastly, as far as cooking and diet goes--i think this requires a "sit down", which is what i call a serious/straight shooting conversation that is no bullshit. if she's not ready, then she's not ready.

if she's ready, well, then figure out the plan very soon, she's looking to you for the help she needs, so don't duck out of it.

Like everyone else has eluded to. Get her a personal trainer! It can even be a friend (Female or male if you are comfortable with that) Then be the best cheerleader/friend/training partner she could ask for.....unless of course you like to sleep on the couch and argue a lot. Or maybe .........your wife is from a different planet than most:)

My first experience was ...well...er...The second time however (I had no input what so ever) we got it right! We work on how we can train together now, not how our training plans can be laid out to work together. She has even done a few sprint triathlons!
Rick

Nothing good can come of this....

'Get back in shape' is pretty fuzzy.

What is it she is after?

She likes the feeling she gets after exercising?
The idea of trying a race (say a run or a tri) sounds fun?
She'd like some muscle definition?
She'd like to just find *some* kind of exercise that is *enjoyable* so that it can become a lifestyle?
She is really not into exercise but does want to lose weight? (In which case, focus on the food aspect)
Etc.

The most useful and loving thing you can do as a spouse, is to be an open minded, good listener. Try to help her define what she really wants to create for herself.

Listen well before you speak. The more she can get clear on what her ideal outcome is, the more committed she will become, to getting there. It will not work to try to insert an agenda that is not hers.

Then decide together if your personal involvement is the best way to achieve that; or if it's better to involve outsiders (a personal trainer, Weight Watchers, a women's running group, a female training buddy to go to a gym with, etc. etc.).

The best of all worlds (for most people) is probably to have that outside support system, *plus* a spouse who is providing additional encouragement. If she needs good cop-bad cop, opt for playing good cop yourself and help her to hire somebody who will be the bad cop ;)

Great advice everyone! Thanks!

Who says great advice cant be had on slowtwitch? ;)


I am going to sit down and piece this one together, right now I am going to see what her goals are, give her a few general ideas and then get some outside folks to handle the details and motivation. Once I put the people and plans together with her goals, I will be a cheerleader.

Like kitty said, the food part will be a little tougher. We have already had a few pissing matches over that. It got reall ugly when she bought a case of Coca Cola. I just grabbed it all from the fridge and took it to work, without telling her. That has happened with some other unhealthy food that has found it's way into the house. It has gotten ugly, but the ladies at work seem to like it! I really don't want that tasty crap around the house to tempt me either.

"No, not training your spouse to do things like putting down the toilet seat or emptying the dishwasher :) "

LOL!! Definately a man thing.

I wouldn't dare try to train my wife in anything.

I would buy her a gift certificate to a trainer and stock the house with healthy snacks and set a good example.

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mmm-mmm-Momo Charms
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I met my fiance at a race, so we already had the fitness bug in common. However, he has a lot more experience than I do. I did use him as my only coach for a while. It mostly meant someone to get workout ideas from, and someone to ask "am I being lazy, or do I really need to skip the workout?" as well as "am I getting better, or going overboard?" since it is easy for me to end up at an extreme. He also helped me come up with workouts to do, especially on the bike and in the pool as those were the new ones for me. I think it worked well, but both already having a founding in the sport helped it. It was never really an issue of hearing something I really didn't want to hear, but more another pair of eyes checking over my training.

Now that we're both new to training with power I work with another coach who can help me get the most of that, but I still use Mike for feedback and double-checks on myself.

So it can work, but I found it worked best once I had ironed out goals and thoughts and got feedback in those areas. He also is good about letting me start the conversation, so it's more of a mentor situation I guess than really coaching.

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Miles of Life --- Powered by MarkyV

I agree that you should limit your role in this. A personal trainer or an online program, something that's NOT YOU is the best option. That said, you have a really important and influential role as her spouse! You can help her by offering to join her in workouts, purchase and make heathy food, and encourage her. You will be a very valuable support to her reaching her goal. :)

I have played the role of "coach" to my husband since I've been doing endurance sports for longer, and it's generally pretty civil and fun for both of us. But it has defintely caused some problems- I tend to take it really personally when he doesn't follow my advice and I've rubbed a few "told you so"'s in his face... basically I'm bossy and bratty about it. Now I will help him set up a training program and then try to keep my mouth shut. It's hard, but I know it's better for him to learn some of the lessons on his own. That's likely how it will be with your wife too- she'll feel better if she can achieve her goals on her own! But I bet she'll be excited to share her progress with you knowing how super supportive you are.

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Training for: Barb's Race HIM 8.2.08

GOKARTN,
Don't let the naysayers get you down, you can definitely provide the guidance and support your wife needs. Many elite athletes are coached by their significant others; the first that comes to mind is Samantha McGlone.

Personally, my boyfriend coaches me and it works really well. He gives me a schedule at the start of each week and then is always there to help me make necessary adjustments. We train together once or twice a week, but the rest of the time I am on my own or with some of my training partners. We also live and work together, so one might think that sharing a sport so closely would push us over the edge, but it honestly doesn't. Depending on your wife's background she might need a different support structure (she might like it if you can join her for more workouts, give really detailed advice, etc).

The first month of being coached by my boyfriend was by far the hardest. It is a different dynamic, and if she's anything like me it'll take her a while to get used to being told what to do, even though she wants to be. You always need to remember (and so does she) that it was her idea to begin with. If it's rocky in the beginning my advice would be to work through it and give it an honest go for at least 3 months. You need to give it enough time so that improvement can be seen.

Weight is always a touchy issue, and though it seems that her biggest goal is weight-related and not performance, you don't need to address it. Let her guide herself with food. If you go grocery shopping sure, bring home some fresh fruit and whatnot, but it would also be wise to bring home her favorite dessert after she's completed a rigorous week or training. If you're training her right, the weight will come off without her even being conscious of it. Obsessing over a diet while increasing training volume will be a disaster, you helping your wife get into a sport won't be.

Best of luck,
Amy.

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-Amy
Powder7 Ski Shop, Golden, Colorado

my boyfriend trained me for a while when i was rowing competitively and it was pretty much a disaster. It caused a lot of arguments, and eventually we came to the conclusion that we had a happier relationship when there was no coaching involved. friendly advice, bouncing ideas off eachother, all that is fine. full blown "me trainer, you athlete" mentaltiy is risky.

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"What am I on? I'm on my bike busting my ass for six hours a day. What are YOU on?" - Lance Armstrong

another thought i had is: does she want to spend more time with him?

your post is spot on!

Though I agree that this may be a bad idea for him to train her, as everyone below seems to agree, I have to ask why? When I decided to give tri a try (coming from cycling) I had my wife train me in swimming. It didn't create any issues and why should it? She's better at it than I which is why she trained me. I trained her in cycling for a while - I was a much more experienced cyclist. No issues. I'm just having a hard time understanding why a spouse learning from a more knowledgeable spouse is considered an automatic recipe for disaster. Maybe this is all some sort of poor self-image collateral issue? Confused.

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"Oh man, it's going to take days to kill all these people!" - Jens Voigt

Nononono!!

My ex-gf is a professional trainer and wouldn't even work out with me besides runs and rides.

Lots of potential for long term trouble there.

Cheerleading for her though... that's a good place to be at all times for whatever she wants to do.

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Breakfast is for Closers

If she really wants you as her trainer, here's another idea: Give her a training plan and tell her you're always available to help if she has questions or needs feedback. Then step away. If things aren't working and she asks for your input, you have a license to tell her things she doesn't want to hear. Otherwise, you don't need to say a thing.

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"Real winners aren't content with yesterday's victories"