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Single and dating a father
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I am 22 dating a man who is 37 and has a 5 year old boy. I love both of them terribly but am having a very difficult time adjusting to the idea of a blended family. I keep trying to get comfortable around his ex and everything was pretty simple in terms of a divorce, they just ended it. But I don't know how to feel about loving a child who is and never can be my biological child. I keep envisioning christmas if I have a child and what am I supposed to do postpone holidays because my boyfriend's son isn't there that day. They have custody so it 4 days a week with us and 3 days a week with his mom. The arrangement is good but I can't wrap my head around going to his events and him not even noticing me when his mom is around. I know everything needs to be certain ways for his son but I want a "normal" life too. ( I know that isn't always how it works) But the main thing is we have been together a year and a half and are crazy about each other, the only stresses we have are not being able to make our own decisions about our family as everything has to be worked out with his mom.

Also I want to move and he can't - unless the mom is willing to let him go but that isn't likely. I don't know what to do? Has anyone ever been in this spot? I feel like I have a lot to offer someone in a relationship and love him with my whole heart but I am afraid this will keep hurting us if I can't let go.
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Re: Single and dating a father [aliciami89] [ In reply to ]
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Yeah I'm in a blended family (my daughter, his son). I'd rather not discuss details on the forum, but please PM me.

AP

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"How bad could it be?" - SimpleS
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Re: Single and dating a father [aliciami89] [ In reply to ]
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aliciami89 wrote:
the only stresses we have are not being able to make our own decisions about our family as everything has to be worked out with his mom.

Also I want to move and he can't - unless the mom is willing to let him go but that isn't likely.


And this situation is not going to change. Love is not enough sometimes and it sounds like a less than ideal situation for his little boy. You might want to seriously consider a man with whom you can start your own family, as compared to resenting what's built in (including the ex-wife) with this guy.

DFL > DNF > DNS
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Re: Single and dating a father [AndyPants] [ In reply to ]
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Pardon my lack of knowledge here, but I am not sure of the proper route for sending a PM. I am fairly new to Slowtwitch. Could you tell me how?
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Re: Single and dating a father [SallyShortyPnts] [ In reply to ]
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What if I don't feel that I resent him and his past? If I want to live the potential life I've envisioned and can make adjustments to a different type of life is that ok? I have never been around divorce and neither was he prior to this, so sometimes I think I wonder is it ok to move forward from that and live life as you dream? But is it every really the same when you separate from your life because your partner decides that the child didn't fix a relationship where both parties were content and thus ended it?

Would I be resenting him if I do always have this little hope of moving? Maybe I am afraid of that a little bit too myself.
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Re: Single and dating a father [SallyShortyPnts] [ In reply to ]
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SallyShortyPnts wrote:
aliciami89 wrote:
the only stresses we have are not being able to make our own decisions about our family as everything has to be worked out with his mom.

Also I want to move and he can't - unless the mom is willing to let him go but that isn't likely.



And this situation is not going to change. Love is not enough sometimes and it sounds like a less than ideal situation for his little boy. You might want to seriously consider a man with whom you can start your own family, as compared to resenting what's built in (including the ex-wife) with this guy.
Very good advice. OP- You want what is not in your cards at the moment which is leading to resentment. I don't know you nor am I your mother but I think this relationship is too much for a young woman of your age to handle otherwise you would not ask for advice. Think about how you want to live and where you want to be without love being a factor in finding yourself in all of this.


_____________________________________
DISH is how we do it.
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Re: Single and dating a father [aliciami89] [ In reply to ]
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I used to do couples counseling in a previous life. The two of you should go to counseling to discuss these issues. You guys need to be on the same page with respect to your long term relationship expectations.

everything has to be worked out with his mom.

And that will always be the case. This is not insurmountable- with some effort you two can make it work. Counseling
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Re: Single and dating a father [aliciami89] [ In reply to ]
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Click on my user name, scroll down, should see a button that says "Send a private message".

AP

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"How bad could it be?" - SimpleS
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Re: Single and dating a father [aliciami89] [ In reply to ]
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I have a blended family. The boy has a dad and a mom, and you are neither. Which is not to say you cannot love the boy with all your heart, and be loved in return. But you are not mom and cannot take on that responsibility. Mom and dad responsibility need to come from mom and dad.

This might be the 2nd issue to digest.

The first might be: you are 22 and he 37. Run for the hills.

My $.02
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Re: Single and dating a father [fishgo] [ In reply to ]
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fishgo wrote:
The first might be: you are 22 and he 37. Run for the hills.

Glad somebody said it.

No coasting in running and no crying in baseball
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Re: Single and dating a father [aliciami89] [ In reply to ]
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I hope that everything turns out for the best for you...
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Re: Single and dating a father [Tri3] [ In reply to ]
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Agreed! You're young and he's divorced with a kid!! Run, bike or swim away from that!!
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Re: Single and dating a father [genkigirl1] [ In reply to ]
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genkigirl1 wrote:
Agreed! You're young and he's divorced with a kid!! Run, bike or swim away from that!!
Oh damn, that was funny. I was gentle in my statement regarding your age but no matter how one looks at this, it is a rebound relationship.


_____________________________________
DISH is how we do it.
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Re: Single and dating a father [aliciami89] [ In reply to ]
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I'm in a similar situation with my 2nd wife - 15 yrs age difference, two kids from my first marriage, however wife had also been divorced. But we were 47/32 when we first started dating. Honestly, there is a lot involved in this time of situation and at age 22, its probably not likely you're mature enough for it. Find a guy your own age.
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Re: Single and dating a father [aliciami89] [ In reply to ]
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22! Girl, I understand you are crazy about him now but you will be surprised at how much you will grow personally between the age of 22 and 30. Give yourself some time, no need to get married and worry about the future and if you do work it out with this man, you can't put your needs before the needs of the child and his father so realize that moving is out of the question. A lasting relationship is about compromise and the compromises you will need to make will be to support the relationship of your mate and his kid.

__________________________________________________
Twitter: @jayasports
Web: http://www.jayasports.com

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Re: Single and dating a father [AndyPants] [ In reply to ]
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Sorry but it didnt work. My e-mail is aliciami89@gmail.com if that could work for you.
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Re: Single and dating a father [jen-g] [ In reply to ]
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Thank you for the advice, this was great advice. I like the idea of taking my time to determine what I do really need/want out of life. We are both very open about everything and therefore good with moving slow regardless.
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Re: Single and dating a father [squid] [ In reply to ]
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Thanks for this too. I do want to go to counseling as I feel it would be very valuable to the both of us. I think we could get alot out of it and learn more about each other and learn to accept that life is not always as it "should" be.
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Re: Single and dating a father [aliciami89] [ In reply to ]
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If you are 22 now and have been together for a year and a half that means you have been dating him since before you could legally drink. And he was 35.

I dont know you and I dont know him but if you were my daughter I'd tell you to find someone else regardless of how great he might be. I'd question what kind of man dates someone who isnt even 21 when he is 35 and has a kid. I'm sure you are an amazing woman and probably think you two are an exception to problems a 15 year age difference can make. Maybe you are but it sounds like you have an even bigger hurdle than just age. Divorced with a kid brings some huge baggage and you clearly know that in your gut but your feelings are getting in the way of clarity.

Trust your gut. Talk to to people like AndyPants who know about blended families. Think long and hard about staying with him. His kid will always come first and that is how it should be. If his kid doesn't come first then you should be even more worried.

I hope you find happiness either way.

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Jen

"In order to keep a true perspective on one's importance, everyone should have a dog that worships him and a cat that will ignore him." - Dereke Bruce
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Re: Single and dating a father [JenHS] [ In reply to ]
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"His kid will always come first and that is how it should be. If his kid doesn't come first then you should be even more worried."

So very true. That is great advice. However, that does change (sort off :-) when the kids finally leave the nest. My 2nd wife never had kids and was regarded for many years as the "evil step mother" by my kids, but that has changed now that they're on their own and now mature enough to appreciate her situation.
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Re: Single and dating a father [aliciami89] [ In reply to ]
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I am married to a man with a son from a previous marriage. We now have a son together. If I had to do it all over, I WOULD NOT, marry someone with a child from a previous relationship. I know it can work, but it is sooo much drama and stress. It is just not worth it. It has honestly caused such a strain on my marriage that I am considering a divorce (not the only reason, but one of the main). DON’T DO IT. You will regret it, TRUST ME, I do. And another thing, most likely, the kid is always going to be more loyal to his mother, regardless of the relationship he has with you. And if you EVER say anything, you will be the bad guy.
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Re: Single and dating a father [arosedas] [ In reply to ]
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A second husband or wife will always play second fiddle to the children from the first marriage. That's just the way it is. Of course the kid will always be more loyal to the maternal mother than the 2nd wife. If they don't there is something wrong with the between the parent and the kid. But it can still all work out fine in the end. Sorry to hear that isn't for you.
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Re: Single and dating a father [aliciami89] [ In reply to ]
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I am in a very similar situation. I am married to a man with twin six year old boys. He is also 9 years older than I am.

Here are the most important things to know:


  • first think about what YOU want. Love is blind and we forget that. After a wedding and you get to your married life you won't be able to move. Your life becomes intertwined in your husbands and the kids. . . and unforutnately his ex. I am lucky and know my husband woudl do anything for me including allowing me the time and space I need to train for Ironman races. I love the boys and can tolerate their mom, it is NOT easy however. Answer the question what do YOU and only YOU want...the answer may suprise you.
  • Couples Therapy/Marriage counseling - we still go to counseling even though we are married. I think it allows you to be completely honest and have a third party call you out on how you may be erroneously interpreting the others intention or communication. This is VERY important in a family like this.
  • If you know you won't be able to love a child who is not yours, you have no reason to even question whether you should be in that relationship. It is hard to know you did not give birth to the kids, but you can create a very special, loving, and rewarding relationship with the child. I almost enjoy it more than if they were my children...i think it makes me feel even more special when they think of me or miss me. It means I'm important to them even though I am not their mom.
PM me if you have any questions or want to discuss further. I'm really happy to help.
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Re: Single and dating a father [LDV] [ In reply to ]
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Thanks LDV. I have definitely found this very helpful. I learned from my first relationship that love can be blind and then when I met Doug I found out just how blind I was into almost getting married to someone who was just not for me.

His son and I get along really well. I have known him since he was 4 and we have grown much closer. Its interesting trying to determine what is right for one or another. How does anyone really know and when you find someone who meets so many of your interests and has similar wants in life, its rare to think anyone else could ever fill that place.

Thanks again for the help!
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Re: Single and dating a father [aliciami89] [ In reply to ]
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I am single, and have dated some divorced men with kids. I understand the appeal. Men with kids tend not to have the It's All About Me complex prevalent with some never-married bachelors. They have had to take care of others, communicate, compromise, learn to live with others and their needs, build something communally. They've been in at least one very long relationship, and are not morbidly fearful of commitment/marriage. Those are all great things.

There are also negatives, some of which have been mentioned here already.

I do want to encourage you to read "Dating the Divorced Man" by Christie Hartman. It will bring up additional issues to think about. Among other things, it is extremely common for very-recently-divorced people - even the most emotionally stable among them - to not settle down with the first or second person they date post-divorce, even if they really love you. "Rebounds" are common, even if there is not a mean or insincere bone in his body. He may need to "process" his way through a few relationships before he settles down. Do you want to be his "process"?

- Oleander
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