Khai--you should PM Hinds57 as our good friend went to sleep a few days after Christmas last year and never woke up. Stu was early 40s. Dave (Hinds57) talked a lot to Stu's wife, so I'm sure he may have some advice for you.

But also remember, everyone deals with grief in their own way. When my mother passed, I just wanted to be by myself and not deal with people. The best thing was all the messages I got from lots of STers. Some of them, I still have on my computer.

Let us know what you need, OK?

clm

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clm
Nashville, TN
https://twitter.com/ironclm | http://ironclm.typepad.com

OH Khai I'm so sorry to hear about your friends passing. Just tell her how sorry you are and ask if there is anything you can do for her. Some of the things that people did for me after my son died that I found really touching:

A lot of people wrote me letters and usually incluced something my son did or said to them that they found touching. I will treasure these forever.

Some people came to my house during the funeral and cleaned it up and made coffee etc. I didn't have to worry about "entertaining" people after the funeral.

People just came to the funeral or my house after the funeral and told me how sorry they were. Just that simple gesture meant so much to me.

Also as time passes I was touched that some people still remembered me during the following holiday season. Just saying"I'm thinking of you and your family during the holiday season" meant the world to me.

So, so sad.

I would just want my friends to be around to help me with whatever I needed. Visit her and call often. Don't push yourself on her, but make it clear that you want to help her with whatever she needs. It's hard for some people to accept help, so just gently offer it over and over. Put yourself at her disposal and tell her you are available for whatever she needs. Include her in your get-togethers. She may not accept at first, but eventually she will. Make sure she has someone to be with over the holidays.

Bring dinner over one night, even if she isn't hungry right then, she won't have to cook one night.

Shovel her driveway or chores that her husband may have done around the house.

If there are kids, (and you know them) take them out for the afternoon to give her some time.

Call out of the blue and just say your were thinking of her at this time

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Proud member of the Guru Cartel, EH!

A little over a year ago my niece passed away quite suddenly. She was 24 years old. I know right after the funeral there were plenty of people who brought over food and did a lot of things for my brother and his wife. They both greatly appreciated all that was done for them at the time but talk now about that month afterwards being a blur. The thing that they found to be hard over that first year is that people seemed to not know what to say to them and so they never mentioned their daughter and felt awkward so some avoided them. They both have said that what they appreciated was the ability to talk about their daughter when they felt like it and to be included in gatherings, even if they weren't up to attending, just to be invited meant a lot to them. I agree with what others have said and would also include that over the next year she will have many low points and they usually happen unexpectedly, having someone to call on "just to talk" would mean a lot. My sister in law talks about just doing routine chores and all of sudden something will remind her of Melissa and at that moment having someone to call and just talk to is very helpful. My sympathies to the family. They are lucky to have a friend like you who is looking to help.

Shovel her driveway or chores that her husband may have done around the house.

This is what I was going to suggest too. Sometimes people don't know how to verbalize what they need so they say "nothing". Find things to do for her. Bring in the mail and sort it, clean up the house, buy groceries including frozen foods that make it easier to cook, shovel driveway as suggested. Just be around and do what you can to lighten the load of everyday life.

I'm really sorry you lost a friend. I'm sure it is a very difficult time for you too.

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Jen

"In order to keep a true perspective on one's importance, everyone should have a dog that worships him and a cat that will ignore him." - Dereke Bruce

I was really sorry to hear about this situation. My condolences to you on the loss of your friend.

Try not to have a devastated or guilty look on your face whenever you see her. Over time, she will need to move on and it doesn't help when people treat her differently.

Take care and I think your thoughtfulness will be a blessing to her.

Thanks all for your helpful ideas and examples. Luckily she lives in an apartment building so all of the external stuff is taken care of, and her parents came out to stay with her through the New Year - so she isn't alone in the evenings/mornings, etc. I'll try to come up with something mealwise as she doesn't really cook (he took care of that along with the bike maintenance). She signed up for IMC again, so there will likely be a lot of stuff she might need help with there as well, as Simon always dealt with the bike/logistics. Linda's job was to go fast. :p

I'm really glad I was able to be at the hospital to handle all of the non-family who came out to visit. She was in no place to deal with them, so I was able to be helpful to her there...


As for me, I'm still feeling like it's pretty surreal - and wouldn't be hugely shocked to have my phone ring with him asking about dinner and a ride. I know it isn't going to happen, but it doesn't feel *real* to me just yet... It's going to take some time for all of us.

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<If you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough>
Get Fitter!
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Khai, I read a book a long time ago titled Widow, or My Life as a Widow, or something. I think it was written by the woman who wrote Christy. It has been a loooong time since I read it (I got a boxed set of her books for Christmas once), but a few things have stuck with me. First, she said the week following her husband's death and dealing with the funeral arrangements were completely surreal, busy, etc., but once that time had passed, and the new reality sunk in, that is when it gets really bad. Lonely.

She also recommended not making any big decisions (buying/selling a house, etc.) until at least a year had passed. Her point was that you're just too raw to think straight. Perhaps one of your gifts would be to get her this book (and I apologize in advance for not doing all of my research before posting). I'll hit Amazon after I finish this and post the book.

I'm older (50) but I routinely bike with women older than I am (60-70--they're awesome--but that is beside the point). Many of them are widows. Once the reality sinks in, she needs to get involved with some of those women who have dealt with this. I'm generally struck with what worked for them (other than they all bike), was to pursue interests that got them out of bed in the morning. One loves opera, another is a docent at a local museum, a third person works and hopes her co-workers doesn't know how old she is.

I'm sure there is a support group out there for her and I'd encourage her to go to share her emotions. If she has a definite hobby or avocation, look for ways to encourage that. If she is into cooking, can you enroll both of you in a class? Does she like the theater? Get tickets. The point is that she is really hurting, rightfully so, but she needs to get out there and redifine her life at a certain point. Make no mistake, it has been redefined.

FWIW, my widow friends miss the hell out of their husbands. Of course. But they have gone on to lead (at least from the outside looking in) very satisfying lives.

I'm just so sorry for your loss.

I think someone here touched on this already, but I remember something my mother said after my dad died. They had been together 48 years! During the funeral and first couple of weeks everyone is around and asking what the can do. It's not during that time that she'll need the most help. It's a month or two, or six, or a year later that she'll need friends the most. Here are some things that I think would have made a difference to my mom.

- Don't exclude her from social events because she doesn't have a husband anymore.
- Openly remember her husband for the person he was (good or bad!)
- Call up just to talk.
- Don't stop doing the things you've done together in the past.
- Don't force her to do something she doesn't want to do (like take up a new activity or sport)...when she's ready she'll let you know that she's ready for something new.
- Don't make her feel forgotten by her friends because she's not part of a couple anymore.

My parents social world was wrapped up around playing bridge and dancing. Both are things that couple tend to do together. My mom obviously never got invited to any of these things after my dad died. It broke her heart to think that people only wanted to see them as a couple. So she started to do other things, and even went for coffee with other male friends. I thik that once she even went to a bridge club with another man and some of the women thought she might have been "on the prowl" -- like give me a break...a 65 year old woman doesn't fit that bill.

I have a neighbor whose husband is critically ill right now, and she knows he will die in the next couple of years. She's expressed some of these same fears. Quite honestly, I never even thought about it much until both her an my mom expressed some of the same thoughts.

I saw her last night. I was delivering flowers for Julian because neither of us had any idea as to what her address might be (I always just met them outside the building to ride) and he can't hand deliver due to living in England.

Anyway, I sort of assumed that someone would be home, so I didn't call or anything first. (Khai == SMRT) Naturally no-one picked up the phone when I buzzed up, so I tried her cell - no dice. I tried one of her sisters in law, also no dice. So I texted her cousin in law (on vacation in St Lucia) hoping he'd know her apt number. I figured if I could at least figure out in which unit they lived I could get someone to leave them outside her door. I stopped about a dozen people going in/out of the building and asked if they knew them, but no dice. I got a lot of funny looks, and one guy made an elaborate show of pushing the door closed. Right. Buddy, if I wanted to be in the building I'd have been inside 1/2 an hour ago instead of freezing my ass off outside hoping to run into a neighbour who knew them. Finally I decided to have someone leave them by the mailbox and then leave messages with her and the family to ensure that she knew they were there so that they'd get picked up.

Then, walking back to my car, I ran into her while she was out walking the dog. Apparently she'd been on the phone with an old friend for around an hour, hence not picking up the line when I buzzed. We went and got the flowers and she insisted on bringing me upstairs, where I was greeted by the whole damned family - including the sister in law I'd been trying to call (she had left her phone in the car).

Anyway, I think she was happy to see me and liked the flowers, but it was the story of my being a dumbass that probably made the moment. She looked good - well, about as good as anyone could be given the situation. Her brother came in from Dubai, and she's surrounded by the "super-family". Lots of support, which is awesome to see.


Thanks for all the suggestions - I'll definitely keep including her in stuff (though with all the snow we aren't exactly riding much...) and
will make sure I call/drop by, etc.

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<If you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough>
Get Fitter!
Proud member of the Smartasscrew, MONSTER CLUB
Get your FIX today?

All you have to do is be around and she'll be smiling ;)

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I know I'm promiscuous, but in a classy way

I 2nd this. Just be there for her. Call every few days and check in, etc. You have no idea what a little support can do for someone in this situation.

N~

Once the snow and nonsense clears, we can all go for a ride, heck we can ride almost every weekend until IMC ;-) I know P and I can pull some stupid shit tokeep her entertained hee hee!

Seriously, let's make sure she doesn't just retreat into a shell of training solo. I could see that happening.

AP

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"How bad could it be?" - SimpleS

Andy, I jsut spotted this hence the delay. Keep me updated please. I have my medical on the 27th of this month and if I get through I will know with in 2 months. Provided I can sell the flat I will be over by early July and will be a willing training partner. I assume Linda is still planning to toe the line.

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"How bad can it be?" - SimpleS

Hi, I don't mean to hijack this thread, but I was wondering about this same topic and there is no sense to have two threads on the same thing.

My hairdresser (who I have been with for 19 years), lost her husband in September. She got through the holidays OK but told me she is dreading Valentine's Day.

Would it be considerate or boorish to send her a Valentine? Maybe with a little goody in it like a Starbucks card. Thanks for any ideas.

I haven't lost anyone along these lines....(unless you count my getting dumped about a week ago "losing" - which doesn't even come close)....but I would think a welcome distraction and any token of thought would be welcome. You might not make it totally better (who really could...) but I do think that when someone is hurting, anyone else reaching out and letting that person know that they aren't alone and that there is someone thinking of them is a good gesture.

Further, if you have the opportunity to make them smile or help them out in any little way (coffee helps many things) then it's even better and sweeter of you. Kudos to you, in my opinion, for thinking of her.

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AW

I think that it would be a nice token of your friendship. This is coming from a cat who's always claimed that valentine's day is bunk and tells his girlfriends that straight up and in advance - but if she's already expressed the sentiment that it is going to be a difficult time for her, I think that a small treat that shows you're thinking about her and that you care would be really nice.

I'd be inclined to skip "traditional" valentines like flowers and chocolate and go with something that you know she'd like but that may not necessarily have romantic connotations. Coffee is always a winner in my book, but I don't know the woman. :)

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<If you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough>
Get Fitter!
Proud member of the Smartasscrew, MONSTER CLUB
Get your FIX today?