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I feel trapped and don't know what to do--
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I am really in a quandary about what to do in my life right now.

I am divorced and share custody of my young children w/ an ex that lives in our same town. I am a professional (professional partnership)and my current business is suffering financially. Things will be better, but in the end I would move if I could--and could do MUCH BETTER financially in another town. But if I leave, I would have to leave my children. There is no way my ex would pick up and move with me--and there is no way I could get full custody of our kids. The youngest is ten years away from finishing high school.

I feel stuck. trapped.

I don't see a way to achieve full happiness in my professional situation without moving(my business is very niche and no way to go on my own in this town)---and I can't move for 10yrs because I won't leave my children.

Any ideas?
Josh
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Re: I feel trapped and don't know what to do-- [joshramsey] [ In reply to ]
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I think this is a common situation - maybe not the reasons, but the not being able to move post divorce - but married or not, your kids need to come first and yes that means sacrifice -

is there any way to expand professionally virtually and with travel? you could modify the custody to be every other week (common) so that you have a whole week to travel....

---

cat
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Re: I feel trapped and don't know what to do-- [joshramsey] [ In reply to ]
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Josh,

An interesting quandry. You recognize that you would be more successful by moving away but you say you can't do it for 10 years. Let me ask you a question.

Would you rather your children grew up seeing their father being frustrated and trapped and potentially financially unsuccessful , or being successful and happy somewhere else? Kids feel and see a lot of things and if you think your kids won't feel the impact and emotion of your life you're underestimating them.

You don't say how far away you need to move, and it may mean you need to restructure your visitation and custody, but in the long run it is probably the better thing to do. Otherwise you would be harboring anger and resentment that will eventually flow over to them, especially if you make any kinds of comments that you are staying for them. Staying and wallowing in your misery doesn't do anyone any good.

Just my two cents.
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Re: I feel trapped and don't know what to do-- [joshramsey] [ In reply to ]
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my vote is move so you can actually afford to make a living and help put them through school and provide. it is what, 6 hours from coast to coast, in a flight? come on, that's nothing.

consider, the more money you make, the more options you have, even if it's long distance.

kids adapt and when you have to make a huge effort to see them, the time is move valuable and well spent. i think it is short sided not to consider good opportunities, and keep yourself in a failing culture/environment. this is a road to nowhere and if you stay in it, eventually you really won't have any options and you will be stuck.

it's a tough business culture these days and to make it requires sacrifice. you have to do what you've got to do, and if moving is a part of that, then there you go. i think the longer you stay, the more you'll be stuck. eventually the market will leave you all together and opportunity will have passed you buy.

with funds you can create options, even if you have to fly coast to coast twice a month, at least you'll be able to afford it. being broke in a failing business offers no options; i have a hard time advising anyone to chose that ticket.
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Re: I feel trapped and don't know what to do-- [kittycat] [ In reply to ]
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I'm inclined to think that he should stay because of the potential of the kid feeling abandoned in favor of a job. My parents aren't divorced but I always felt my Dad's job came before me, especially when he traveled on my birthday or missed important events.

The question is whether the kiddo would feel abandoned and whether that is tougher than feeling like he stayed and might resent it. Seems to me the potential for the abandonment issue is worse. Keeping kiddo protected from any feelings of resentment is the responsible thing to do if he decides to stay.

But, I'm not a parent so all parental advice of mine should be taken with a grain of salt.

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Jen

"In order to keep a true perspective on one's importance, everyone should have a dog that worships him and a cat that will ignore him." - Dereke Bruce
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Re: I feel trapped and don't know what to do-- [jenhs] [ In reply to ]
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In Reply To:
But, I'm not a parent so all parental advice of mine should be taken with a grain of salt.
I would disagree with you there. You're not a parent, but you are/were a kid and your advice can come from there. I'm not a parent, but in questions like these (not, "which diaper is better", etc) I think we can all chime in. Almost better to think from the kid pov than the parent here.

For me, I would have wanted to see my dad move to be happy. I also encouraged my parents to get divorced for many years (they're still together lol). I think I was a pretty well adapted kid and understood "life" better than most at my age. Depending on how mature your kids are, why not sit down to a family meeting (perhaps your ex should be included, and perhaps you should talk to her first before you sit down with the kids too) and talk about the options in front of you. Let your kids tell you how they feel!


______________________________________
I know I'm promiscuous, but in a classy way
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Re: I feel trapped and don't know what to do-- [joshramsey] [ In reply to ]
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How often do you see your kids? There's a big difference between moving away from kids you see every day and kids you see every other weekend. If you only get them every other weekend, I agree with some of the post that you could just restructure that time, and possibly gain more quality time because the visits would be fewer but would probably last longer. My ex and I lived in separate states for two years. Before that he had been an every other weekend Dad, but during those two years, he had the kids for the summer and I had them for the school year. They formed much stronger bonds during that time. Much of this also depends on what type of relationship you have with your ex and if she would be willing to work with you.
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Re: I feel trapped and don't know what to do-- [jenhs] [ In reply to ]
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if he stays that is no guarantee the kid won't feel abandoned. he could live in the same house every single day, and the kid could still wind up "abandoned". there are no guarantees, period.

i feel it is the responsibility as adults and parents to make good decisions on all fronts--including career and being able to earn to provide opportunity like college.

in 10 years the kid will be out of high school, and then what for the dad? McDonalds?

it is entirely possible to have a strong relationship that is remote. with earning, there are options. without earning, no options.

it's not like moving is a ticket to never land. if it doesn't work out, then move back. but i feel it is worth trying, especially in the present circumstances which are going down the proverbial toilet. that is the ticket to neverland.
Last edited by: kittycat: Jul 19, 08 5:37
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Re: I feel trapped and don't know what to do-- [braylan] [ In reply to ]
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In Reply To:
How often do you see your kids? There's a big difference between moving away from kids you see every day and kids you see every other weekend. If you only get them every other weekend, I agree with some of the post that you could just restructure that time, and possibly gain more quality time because the visits would be fewer but would probably last longer. My ex and I lived in separate states for two years. Before that he had been an every other weekend Dad, but during those two years, he had the kids for the summer and I had them for the school year. They formed much stronger bonds during that time. Much of this also depends on what type of relationship you have with your ex and if she would be willing to work with you.
This is the situation---I have my kids 50% of the time--we split up the week and alternate fri-sun. They are my WORLD!! We all live within blocks of each other---their school within blocks--my office within a mile. My heart would be ripped out if I left them---and I can't imagine that any amount of *resilience* (what they use to say I had a lot of as the child of divorce myself) on their part would make them "OK". Their mom is in a long term relationship with a man whos business is grounded here---and his ex-wife kids are here also. Nobody is going anywhere.
J
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Re: I feel trapped and don't know what to do-- [joshramsey] [ In reply to ]
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We are in the same situation - well, I am in your NOW situation and my BF is in your POSSIBLE situation. I have K half a week every week (my ex lives 5k away), where as my BF has his son two weeks out of every four. Those other two weeks, he is 400km away with his mom. My BF has looked at moving the 400km away to live in the same city, but he would sacrifice a huge amount of salary (close to half), have no real professional career options and heck we live in a nicer city. So he stays here. It's not ideal for sure. If we could wave a magic wand we'd all be in the same city - this one (Vancouver) - not the other one (Kelowna). Once his son starts school, he won't be able to do more than summers, school holidays, and long weekends with his son - or move where he doesn't want to...

It's all about what kind of relationship you think you can have with your kids. If they are old enough, ask them what they would think of seeing Dad only every X weeks. Keep in mind that you could try it and if it doesn't work out, you can move back.

AP

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"How bad could it be?" - SimpleS
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Re: I feel trapped and don't know what to do-- [joshramsey] [ In reply to ]
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You sound like an amazing father. I probably would not leave either. How old are you if you don't mind me asking? My youngest has about 9 school years to go and sometimes I feel like counting down, too. I'll only be 44...life will begin!
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Re: I feel trapped and don't know what to do-- [braylan] [ In reply to ]
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In Reply To:
You sound like an amazing father. I probably would not leave either. How old are you if you don't mind me asking? My youngest has about 9 school years to go and sometimes I feel like counting down, too. I'll only be 44...life will begin!
40----be 50 then. but well preserved! ;-)
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Re: I feel trapped and don't know what to do-- [kittycat] [ In reply to ]
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It isn't an easy decision, that is for sure. Providing financially for your kids is important but so is being there when something goes wrong. Being in the same town means being available for plays and recitals and little ceremonies. Or, if god forbid and accident happens, being there right away and not having to wait for the next flight.

I personally would stay. I'd take a second job if necessary to put money aside for college or whatever is needed but I would stay.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Jen

"In order to keep a true perspective on one's importance, everyone should have a dog that worships him and a cat that will ignore him." - Dereke Bruce
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Re: I feel trapped and don't know what to do-- [jenhs] [ In reply to ]
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In Reply To:
It isn't an easy decision, that is for sure. Providing financially for your kids is important but so is being there when something goes wrong. Being in the same town means being available for plays and recitals and little ceremonies. Or, if god forbid and accident happens, being there right away and not having to wait for the next flight.

I personally would stay. I'd take a second job if necessary to put money aside for college or whatever is needed but I would stay.
I agree-
I don't need a second job--just won't be as financially rewarded as I could in a larger community. And my call is tougher here also--<sigh>.

Just don't know how life got here!
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Re: I feel trapped and don't know what to do-- [joshramsey] [ In reply to ]
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In the grand scheme of things, 10 years is not that long. Your kids will only be kids for a short amount of time...you've got the rest of your life to be rewarded financially, and you'll still be young and in great shape. I also plan on being well preserved...the whole triathlon thing is good for that. You joined the right forum...many of us are in the same boat. Have you checked out the "Parents, how do you afford a bike" thread?

"Just don't know how life got here" - doesn't matter, it's there. Give yourself a good swift kick in the ass, go for a ride to clear your head, and come up with a workable solution. HTFU
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Re: I feel trapped and don't know what to do-- [joshramsey] [ In reply to ]
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My husband was in the same situation. When I met my husband his son was 6 years old. The mom lived only a few blocks away. We saw my stepson every other weekend and every Wednesday night. We never missed a baseball, soccer, track or school program. While I know my stepson gained immensely from having his father around, my husband was the real winner. That boy means everything to him. One of the first things that attracted me strongly to my husband was his dedication to his son and what a hands on parent he was. My stepson just graduated college this May. He's one of those young men that will make the world a better place. Although my husband hated our town and desperately wanted to move many times, we both knew it wouldn't happen until my stepson graduated High School. You have to make peace with your decision but being a parent is such a HUGE gift in this life. I'm glad we didn't miss the little things on a daily/weekly basis. Although we struggled financially in the beginning, my husband found a way to become successful in our city. I hope you can make it all work for the best of everyone involved. I can say from a personal standpoint though, that a little boy becomes a man so quickly. That time is irreplaceable. Best wishes and peace.
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Re: I feel trapped and don't know what to do-- [joshramsey] [ In reply to ]
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Money can't buy happiness.

My dad worked 3-4 jobs to keep us afloat when we were young. But I don't remember the type of house we lived in or the car we drove or the clothes that I wore. I cherish the memories of going to ballgames with my dad or playing catch in the backyard. You have no more imprtant role in life than that of a parent.

Speaking as a scared and sleep deprived fathe of a 3-month old who is already smarter than I am.
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Re: I feel trapped and don't know what to do-- [davec] [ In reply to ]
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In Reply To:
Money can't buy happiness.

My dad worked 3-4 jobs to keep us afloat when we were young. But I don't remember the type of house we lived in or the car we drove or the clothes that I wore. I cherish the memories of going to ballgames with my dad or playing catch in the backyard. You have no more important role in life than that of a parent.
I grew up without one of my parents--I know what it is like. I would never do that to my kids. They are my world.
I'll just have to make the best of what I have been dealt. I am doing better than 99% of folks-----but just wish I could have all areas of my life better optimized. Don't we all.
Josh
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Re: I feel trapped and don't know what to do-- [joshramsey] [ In reply to ]
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I'll just have to make the best of what I have been dealt.

Exactly. I think this is the best comment you could have made. Stay where you are. Your kids need you. They need that day-after-day-after-day of just being there. If your business isn't doing as well as you want it to, then see what you can do locally to make it better. Is there something you can do online that would improve things? Can you branch out into a related industry? You might want to think about hiring a business coach to get an independent point of view of how you can expand or how you can mix things up to make your situation better.
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Re: I feel trapped and don't know what to do-- [joshramsey] [ In reply to ]
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Move. People put too much stock in quantity. Most parents who live in the same house barely see their kids. I believe quality time will foster deeper relationships between you and your children. Like someone mentioned, the world is not that huge. Unless you're moving to another country, it's doable. Few questions you have to ask yourself are;

1. Will you truly be happier if you moved? New jobs don't always pan out the way you foresee it.
2. Will you be able to provide quality time with your children? Including their important moments.

The grass isn't always greener on the other sides. But sometimes it is.
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Re: I feel trapped and don't know what to do-- [joshramsey] [ In reply to ]
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It sounds like you have already made the decision to stay, but are still struggling with the repucussions. As a father of three, my STRONG advice is to stay. As others have posted, if you were seeing them only occasionally, the long-distance situation might work, but not in the situation in which you describe yourself. One last piece of advice (since you did ask): If you decide to stay, you need to purge the "should have, could have" thoughts about moving somewhere else - especially around the kids. Don't make them think that you are giving up something better only because of them. They need to know that you are with them because you want to be there 100%, and that nothing else would make you happier. They will be grown before you know it and you will be so glad that you were there to see it and support them. This may be especially true during the teenage years, when they may need someone outside of their house with whom they can confide.
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Re: I feel trapped and don't know what to do-- [Large] [ In reply to ]
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In Reply To:
It sounds like you have already made the decision to stay, but are still struggling with the repercussions. As a father of three, my STRONG advice is to stay. As others have posted, if you were seeing them only occasionally, the long-distance situation might work, but not in the situation in which you describe yourself. One last piece of advice (since you did ask): If you decide to stay, you need to purge the "should have, could have" thoughts about moving somewhere else - especially around the kids. Don't make them think that you are giving up something better only because of them. They need to know that you are with them because you want to be there 100%, and that nothing else would make you happier. They will be grown before you know it and you will be so glad that you were there to see it and support them. This may be especially true during the teenage years, when they may need someone outside of their house with whom they can confide.
Certainly. Agree with all the above.

Divorce just sucks.

Anyone that has children and is feeling unhappy for any reason in their marriage *PLEASE* talk to your spouse and get into counseling ASAP. I had no clue what was happening----and then she wanted a divorce---and then found out about her affair. All of a sudden I was out of the house, seeing my kids 50% of the time, having to start over. All because she "wasn't happy and didn't love me anymore". Huh?? She was done before I even found out.

She feels like she did this FOR THE CHILDREN. If she isn't "happy" then how can they be--That they are BETTER OFF. Right.

Just so sad.

J
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Re: I feel trapped and don't know what to do-- [joshramsey] [ In reply to ]
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I vote for you sticking out... I wouldn't trade the relationship I now have with my adult children (33,28,& 26) for anything. We went through some really tough finacial times and put up with some shit jobs but they are just a memory that wilts into a dark and distant past... I do carry some guilt that I could have done better financially but my granddaughter is the beneficiary of that :)

Jay
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Re: I feel trapped and don't know what to do-- [joshramsey] [ In reply to ]
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Divorce is hard, but when your kids are asking you to...

I agree with the others and stay. I have learned that money isn't everything. Yes, it makes me happy for a brief time, but it's nothing like watching your kids grow up. If you move you will regret it, and your kids will remember that you chose a job and working with strangers over them. The money may make you feel powerful, but is that really more important than showing your kids that you are dedicated to them? You never divorced your kids...don't move.
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Re: I feel trapped and don't know what to do-- [SBRBaby] [ In reply to ]
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In Reply To:
Divorce is hard, but when your kids are asking you to...

Kids didn't ask for it---kids never had a clue it was coming. It was all about her.....

J
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