First off thanks to anyone who reads this and weighs in with a thoughtful answer. I really have no idea what to do or not do but the opportunity to be able to ask a large diverse group of women for help is just flat out amazing.
So here is what I am dealing with. I'm 36 and my wife is about to turn 36 at end of october. We have two kids. A girl who is almost 8 and a boy who is 3. My wife has been a full time reporter then did PR for several public school districts. She decided to stay home after the birth of our son and has since turned to freelance work and is a regular stringer for the area newspapers. I joke that she works more at her job than anyone I know who said they didn't want to work anymore. She writes 7-9 stories weekly while also doing a quarterly newsletter for a local credit union. This is purely her choice as we do not need her to work if she did not want to. So that is where we are currently.
Here is the issue.
I feel like my wife is slipping into depression. Im not sure the direct cause but here are some things that I think are direct contributors.
1. She is a pretty extroverted person (I never thought she would be content to stay at home with kids). I think she misses the day to day adult contact that she got from work and spending the majority of the day with a 3 year old i'm guessing doesnt cut it.
2. She has always been a pretty petite girl. After our daughter was born she lost most of the weight but I definitely got the feeling that she didnt feel it was worth it to whip her body back into shape if we were going to have more kids. After the birth of our son she really did start making an effort and got her weight back to her normal range which was around 120ish. However in the last year her weight has just continued to rise and while she will not tell me I think her weight is approaching 140. I had an injury this summer and put on a little weight. However im back to training and think that it will not be very long before i weigh less than her. which i know wont help the cause. She has an interview for a story today and last night i spent an hour watching her trying on clothes and crying because nothing that she wanted to wear fit. This is a situation that I have no idea what to do in.
I love my wife and I think she is one of the most beautiful woman I have ever met. I tell her that all the time. In fact im easily the more romantic of the two of us and I try pretty often to show her how much I care about her. But right now i am stumped and just dying inside watching her suffering. I have been hearing more and more that in womans eyes men are fixers and always want to fix things even when women dont want them to. I admit I see a problem and I want to fix it or help her get better. At this point I don't know if that would do more harm then good.
Housekeeping items. She has been to the doctor and had her thyroid checked recently and its ok. She eats better than anyone in the house but still neglects herself and basic needs some times. I can come home from work some days and she admits she has not had a single thing to drink all day. Says she was too busy. While her doctor (a woman) has disagreed with her she is pretty convinced she is pre-menopausal which seems to really bother her. I cant even begin to pretend I understand what all that means to a women.
So im totally at a loss. My attempts to fix things have failed. I recently offered to watch our kids and her best friends kids as often as once a week so they could get out together and have some girl time for a few hours but was told they were both to busy to commit to something like that.
We are members at the YMCA. its 5 min away. I have told her repeatedly that I will take care of the kids, dinner, whatever. If there is a class she wants to take or if she wants to go work out to do whatever she wants. She has never gone. Says she doesn't want to go alone. doesn't want to be seen in workout clothes. I get home everyday at 3:30pm from work so there is plenty of time between when i get home and when kids need to go to bed that she could go.
we will occasionally go on bike rides together or walks in the neighborhood. But they are always very laid back and sporadic. If we were walking 3-5 miles a day that would be one thing but its more like 1-2 miles once every week or so. She has a stationary bike at home and will ride it for 20-30 minutes. However I have seen her riding and she is in zone1 maybe 2 so I know its not really doing that much for her. Better than nothing but it could be a lot more productive. However I feel like I will be shot with lazer beams if I suggest she needs to push harder.
So thats where I am at. I feel like I am losing my wife and there is nothing I can do. But I dont even know if I should be doing anything. Should I just let her be and not try to fix things. Let her figure it out on her own and not help her? Will she resent me for trying to help her?
A groupon popped up two days ago for smart laser lipo that seems to be a phenomenal deal and at the cost even if it only worked ok which it appears from my reading it would at least be that good and would be worth it to me if the end result were that she was happier with herself. But I dare not even suggest that. Or should I? If I went ahead and just bought the package and told her would she hate me or secretly be excited?
I just don't know.
I assume nobody will be able to give me the magic answer im looking for and i know there are probably a million details about our situation that i should have included. If there is anything I have left out that any of you feel would weigh heavily on the situation ask and I will answer as best I can.
Like I said earlier I love my wife more than anything. Were getting ready to celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary. She is my best friend and the most important person in my life. I would literally do anything to never see her struggling and crying like I did last night.
Please help me if you can.
thanks
________________________________________________
God's in his heaven, alls right with the world -Nerv
So here is what I am dealing with. I'm 36 and my wife is about to turn 36 at end of october. We have two kids. A girl who is almost 8 and a boy who is 3. My wife has been a full time reporter then did PR for several public school districts. She decided to stay home after the birth of our son and has since turned to freelance work and is a regular stringer for the area newspapers. I joke that she works more at her job than anyone I know who said they didn't want to work anymore. She writes 7-9 stories weekly while also doing a quarterly newsletter for a local credit union. This is purely her choice as we do not need her to work if she did not want to. So that is where we are currently.
Here is the issue.
I feel like my wife is slipping into depression. Im not sure the direct cause but here are some things that I think are direct contributors.
1. She is a pretty extroverted person (I never thought she would be content to stay at home with kids). I think she misses the day to day adult contact that she got from work and spending the majority of the day with a 3 year old i'm guessing doesnt cut it.
2. She has always been a pretty petite girl. After our daughter was born she lost most of the weight but I definitely got the feeling that she didnt feel it was worth it to whip her body back into shape if we were going to have more kids. After the birth of our son she really did start making an effort and got her weight back to her normal range which was around 120ish. However in the last year her weight has just continued to rise and while she will not tell me I think her weight is approaching 140. I had an injury this summer and put on a little weight. However im back to training and think that it will not be very long before i weigh less than her. which i know wont help the cause. She has an interview for a story today and last night i spent an hour watching her trying on clothes and crying because nothing that she wanted to wear fit. This is a situation that I have no idea what to do in.
I love my wife and I think she is one of the most beautiful woman I have ever met. I tell her that all the time. In fact im easily the more romantic of the two of us and I try pretty often to show her how much I care about her. But right now i am stumped and just dying inside watching her suffering. I have been hearing more and more that in womans eyes men are fixers and always want to fix things even when women dont want them to. I admit I see a problem and I want to fix it or help her get better. At this point I don't know if that would do more harm then good.
Housekeeping items. She has been to the doctor and had her thyroid checked recently and its ok. She eats better than anyone in the house but still neglects herself and basic needs some times. I can come home from work some days and she admits she has not had a single thing to drink all day. Says she was too busy. While her doctor (a woman) has disagreed with her she is pretty convinced she is pre-menopausal which seems to really bother her. I cant even begin to pretend I understand what all that means to a women.
So im totally at a loss. My attempts to fix things have failed. I recently offered to watch our kids and her best friends kids as often as once a week so they could get out together and have some girl time for a few hours but was told they were both to busy to commit to something like that.
We are members at the YMCA. its 5 min away. I have told her repeatedly that I will take care of the kids, dinner, whatever. If there is a class she wants to take or if she wants to go work out to do whatever she wants. She has never gone. Says she doesn't want to go alone. doesn't want to be seen in workout clothes. I get home everyday at 3:30pm from work so there is plenty of time between when i get home and when kids need to go to bed that she could go.
we will occasionally go on bike rides together or walks in the neighborhood. But they are always very laid back and sporadic. If we were walking 3-5 miles a day that would be one thing but its more like 1-2 miles once every week or so. She has a stationary bike at home and will ride it for 20-30 minutes. However I have seen her riding and she is in zone1 maybe 2 so I know its not really doing that much for her. Better than nothing but it could be a lot more productive. However I feel like I will be shot with lazer beams if I suggest she needs to push harder.
So thats where I am at. I feel like I am losing my wife and there is nothing I can do. But I dont even know if I should be doing anything. Should I just let her be and not try to fix things. Let her figure it out on her own and not help her? Will she resent me for trying to help her?
A groupon popped up two days ago for smart laser lipo that seems to be a phenomenal deal and at the cost even if it only worked ok which it appears from my reading it would at least be that good and would be worth it to me if the end result were that she was happier with herself. But I dare not even suggest that. Or should I? If I went ahead and just bought the package and told her would she hate me or secretly be excited?
I just don't know.
I assume nobody will be able to give me the magic answer im looking for and i know there are probably a million details about our situation that i should have included. If there is anything I have left out that any of you feel would weigh heavily on the situation ask and I will answer as best I can.
Like I said earlier I love my wife more than anything. Were getting ready to celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary. She is my best friend and the most important person in my life. I would literally do anything to never see her struggling and crying like I did last night.
Please help me if you can.
thanks
________________________________________________
God's in his heaven, alls right with the world -Nerv