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The low-lows and the surprises of my current life...trying to process...
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Estranged family comes back into my life a couple weeks ago. Lots of feels ... some good but a lot of bad. Not long after, my uncle, who was like a second father to me and who I wanted to reconcile with dies before I reached out. Guilt and regret deserved. The day after my uncle is buried, last Friday, I get a Facebook friend request from the current wife of my biological father, who I've never had in my life for nearly the past 38 of my nearly 40 years on earth. I spoke to him yesterday for the first time ever. Neither of us really knew what to say, other than we'd speak again. The same day I speak to him, I get a Facebook friend request from a girl in the same state as him. It turns out I have two other half sisters and a half brother!!! She hasn't talked to him in 5 years as well, but randomly asked his wife on Saturday if she knew who I was!!! I don't think I could make-up the kind of past 10 days or 1.5 months if I tried.

Shame, regret, remorse, bitterness, resentment, joy, closure for estranged family members still living. Not reconciling and being able to speak with my uncle ever again is one of the largest regrets of my life. It is something that I said I wouldn't let happen, and it did. I took it for granted that I had the time, and I didn't. Life is never fair, but this ... this is a real throat punch and deservedly.

Someone like a father to me that I kept at distance for poor reasons suddenly dies and my biological father who I've not spoken to in 39 years suddenly is on the other end of a phone call the same week?!?! I cannot understand it. I have 3 other siblings that have been looking for me??? I believed their existence was more rumor than a real possibility, yet they exist. My weekend was a fog. I'm not sure that I'm processing it all properly.

Gnothi Seauton.
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Re: The low-lows and the surprises of my current life...trying to process... [Ready4Launch] [ In reply to ]
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I’ve been seeing a therapist for a variety of reasons. One of the issues we are working through is guilt.

Try and turn the feelings of guilt into feelings of love.

The love that you had for your uncle and the love that he had for you. You two clearly had an amazing bond...something that can’t ever be broken (the history) despite the fact that he is now gone.

To be honest, you might consider therapy yourself. Just to be able to get all of this out - a good therapist is worth their weight in gold.

Good luck.
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Re: The low-lows and the surprises of my current life...trying to process... [Ready4Launch] [ In reply to ]
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Yesterday is gone and tomorrow is not yet here. All you have is today. Forgive yourself and do good things

Life is full of froth and trouble, two things stand in stone
Kindness in another's troubles, courage in one's own
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Re: The low-lows and the surprises of my current life...trying to process... [Ready4Launch] [ In reply to ]
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I’m not going to speak about the death of your uncle. Nothing that I could say would help you with that.

About your bio-dad and your half “siblings”...

They aren’t your family. They share some of your DNA.

You can turn them into family if you so choose or you can keep them as just some people who are strangers that have some of your DNA.

I met my bio-mom when I was 18 (I sought her out and found her). It was a rather anti-climatic meeting. A few years later I met my bio-dad. Again, rather anti-climatic. No contact for 25 years and then bio-mom found me on Facebook, then later bio-dad did as well. I’m no longer on Facebook but we all follow each other on IG. Between the two of them they have several other offspring.

And that is it. We “like” each other’s posts.

No harm. No foul. No real relationship. No expectations. No disappointments.

My sister on the other hand found her bio-parents, has frequent contact with them and it’s never ending stress and drama for her. All the bullshit we went through with our real parents (the ones who raised us) and now she has to go and find another set of fucked up people to call “family”?

There are reasons why people give up their children for adoption. And while the act is an ultimate form of altruism the reasoning behind it is never good.

Best to let sleeping dogs lie, IMHO.

Good luck.

”look, duffy is a great lover. the best!” -

slowman (owner of slowtwitch.com) 10/01/17
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Re: The low-lows and the surprises of my current life...trying to process... [len] [ In reply to ]
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len wrote:
Yesterday is gone and tomorrow is not yet here. All you have is today. Forgive yourself and do good things



”look, duffy is a great lover. the best!” -

slowman (owner of slowtwitch.com) 10/01/17
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Re: The low-lows and the surprises of my current life...trying to process... [Duffy] [ In reply to ]
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Rainbows are good

Life is full of froth and trouble, two things stand in stone
Kindness in another's troubles, courage in one's own
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Re: The low-lows and the surprises of my current life...trying to process... [Duffy] [ In reply to ]
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"They aren’t your family. They share some of your DNA. "

Man, you and I are agreeing too much today, it is making me uncomfortable. I may have to file a complaint.

My wife's family is a clown show. Her mother and father just were/are not good parents and her brother has been a crackhead for 30+ years. If family makes your life better, great. If they don't, you aren't obligated to keep beating yourself up trying to have a relationship with them.


She hasn't heard from her mother in 2 years maybe, her dad she talks to by text every 3 or 4 months. I have no idea when the last time she saw or talked to her brother, I think over 10 years ago when we tried to give him a car when his was repo'd but he wanted cash instead.


You get to choose who is in your life. If you are not the parent, DNA does not obligate you to anything.

We are so fucked.
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Re: The low-lows and the surprises of my current life...trying to process... [j p o] [ In reply to ]
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I have no genetic ties to anyone in my family. None.

”look, duffy is a great lover. the best!” -

slowman (owner of slowtwitch.com) 10/01/17
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Re: The low-lows and the surprises of my current life...trying to process... [Duffy] [ In reply to ]
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Duffy wrote:
I’m not going to speak about the death of your uncle. Nothing that I could say would help you with that.

About your bio-dad and your half “siblings”...

They aren’t your family. They share some of your DNA.

You can turn them into family if you so choose or you can keep them as just some people who are strangers that have some of your DNA.

I met my bio-mom when I was 18 (I sought her out and found her). It was a rather anti-climatic meeting. A few years later I met my bio-dad. Again, rather anti-climatic. No contact for 25 years and then bio-mom found me on Facebook, then later bio-dad did as well. I’m no longer on Facebook but we all follow each other on IG. Between the two of them they have several other offspring.

And that is it. We “like” each other’s posts.

No harm. No foul. No real relationship. No expectations. No disappointments.

My sister on the other hand found her bio-parents, has frequent contact with them and it’s never ending stress and drama for her. All the bullshit we went through with our real parents (the ones who raised us) and now she has to go and find another set of fucked up people to call “family”?

There are reasons why people give up their children for adoption. And while the act is an ultimate form of altruism the reasoning behind it is never good.

Best to let sleeping dogs lie, IMHO.

Good luck.
As much as I look like my mother and said to resemble my father, I cannot comment on adoption, I agree with this post. My father past nearly 43 weeks ago and am an emotion wreck because he and I had (still have in my mind) the greatest partnership anyone could ever imagine. I have seen and spoken to my mother about a handful of times in the last 25 years. It does not bother me because we have never been partners like with my father. I know my mother stews in drama that would be toxic to my life and bring me down. Should she pass before me (with my knowledge of knowing of illness, etc.), I know it may be sad for a short period of time but without regrets. If I found out months or years later, life may be easier to press on with.
Other than one aunt and one of my father daughters (from a previous marriage) The day of his passing, I have and will not speak to any of my family members because they are all like my mother and will undoubtedly come around looking for something. With them, I will definitely have no regrets for people not worth caring for. It is best for us all to remain the way we are.


_____________________________________
DISH is how we do it.
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Re: The low-lows and the surprises of my current life...trying to process... [Duffy] [ In reply to ]
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OMG - the world is about to end since I actually totally agree with Duffy!

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our real parents (the ones who raised us)

Yes!! I'm adopted and have never ever had the urge to find out who my biological parents are (unless they have money to leave to me). My parents are the ones who where there from day 41 on.

Good luck Ready4Launch.

clm
Nashville, TN
https://twitter.com/ironclm | http://ironclm.typepad.com
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Re: The low-lows and the surprises of my current life...trying to process... [Ready4Launch] [ In reply to ]
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How very cool. Not everyone gets the chances you are receiving. Take full advantage and keeps us informed. It's my feel good story of the day.

"If one does not know to which port one is sailing, no wind is favorable." - Lucius Annaeus Seneca
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Re: The low-lows and the surprises of my current life...trying to process... [Ready4Launch] [ In reply to ]
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I’m sorry that you’re in this place of pain. Nothing I can say will alleviate it. But you’re not alone, and I mean that as a point of solidarity, not comparison.

My life hit a wall a few years ago. What didn’t come apart frayed and cracked. I’m still twisting those loose threads; I’ll never be the same.

In the turbulence, I reached out to my birth grandfather. I’d only briefly known him as a young boy. He was fleeting; his son, my birth father, an unknown. I thought my turbulence could pin down something that fled me, not recognizing that everything was fleeting in my life until then.

We met for an evening. He offered me a Coke and some topical conversation. It felt like visiting someone for a work assignment. I left my number. He said he wanted to see me again, to have me meet the family. The phone has never rang.

Here I am years later and knowing I’m about to hit another wall. I’m more stoic, more prepared, resolved. I am OK, nervous about the unknowns but knowing I’ll be fine. I always have been. But I recognize that my past, my fucked up family experience, has me as one who has lived without really letting anyone in. I’ve lived with edges, borders strong and resilient. But in keeping everyone at the edge of those, I’ve left much of myself alone inside, retreating only for me to come outside and leave much of myself inside. And now I’m tired. Just so fucking tired.

My life has been these edges, and the only way it can emerge from what’s to come is to destroy those. It’s going to be a barren moment, and he won’t be there to share a Coke and coach me through it. But there will be those who are. They’re not “family,” but they’re the ones I’ve left the edges to meet. They’ve been the ones constantly at the edges, throwing provisions over the wall, reminding me they’re there when I’m ready. It’s time to let them in. We have walls to break.
Last edited by: MidwestRoadie: Nov 14, 17 11:38
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Re: The low-lows and the surprises of my current life...trying to process... [ironclm] [ In reply to ]
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ironclm wrote:
OMG - the world is about to end since I actually totally agree with Duffy!

Quote:
our real parents (the ones who raised us)

Yes!! I'm adopted and have never ever had the urge to find out who my biological parents are (unless they have money to leave to me). My parents are the ones who where there from day 41 on.

Good luck Ready4Launch.

I’ve mentioned this before, my son is also adopted. It’s the only thing I know :)

”look, duffy is a great lover. the best!” -

slowman (owner of slowtwitch.com) 10/01/17
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Re: The low-lows and the surprises of my current life...trying to process... [MidwestRoadie] [ In reply to ]
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"I’m sorry that you’re in this place of pain. Nothing I can say will alleviate it. But you’re not alone, and I mean that as a point of solidarity, not comparison.

My life hit a wall a few years ago. What didn’t come apart frayed and cracked. I’m still twisting those loose threads; I’ll never be the same
.

In the turbulence, I reached out to my birth grandfather. I’d only briefly known him as a young boy. He was fleeting; his son, my birth father, an unknown. I thought my turbulence could pin down something that fled me, not recognizing that everything was fleeting in my life until then.

We met for an evening. He offered me a Coke and some topical conversation. It felt like visiting someone for a work assignment. I left my number. He said he wanted to see me again, to have me meet the family. The phone has never rang.


Here I am years later and knowing I’m about to hit another wall. I’m more stoic, more prepared, resolved. I am OK, nervous about the unknowns but knowing I’ll be fine. I always have been. But I recognize that my past, my fucked up family experience, has me as one who has lived without really letting anyone in. I’ve lived with edges, borders strong and resilient. But in keeping everyone at the edge of those, I’ve left much of myself alone inside, retreating only for me to come outside and leave much of myself inside. And now I’m tired. Just so fucking tired.

My life has been these edges, and the only way it can emerge from what’s to come is to destroy those. It’s going to be a barren moment, and he won’t be there to share a Coke and coach me through it. But there will be those who are. They’re not “family,” but they’re the ones I’ve left the edges to meet. They’ve been the ones constantly at the edges, throwing provisions over the wall, reminding me they’re there when I’m ready. It’s time to let them in. We have walls to break.

Last edited by: MidwestRoadie: Nov 14, 17 11:38"

Best wishes. I remember the day when I decided to leave the small closed room that it seemed I had been retreating into. But I never made it out of the fenced yard. The fence got smaller, more attractively kept and in some places even inviting, but it's still there.

To breathe, to feel, to know I'm alive.
Last edited by: Tsunami: Nov 14, 17 19:12
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