Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey was made for this kind of contemplation. https://thanh3.wordpress.com/...ghts-by-jack-handey/
24) Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: â€śMankind.â€ť Basically, itâ€™s made up of two separate words, mank and ind. What do these words mean? Itâ€™s a mystery, and thatâ€™s why so is mankind.
23) If youâ€™re a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet itâ€™s real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
22) I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because theyâ€™d never expect it.
21) For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, hereâ€™s a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
20) If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while youâ€™re in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I donâ€™t know what to tell you.
19) Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
18) Canâ€™t the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the confusion and problems theyâ€™ve caused?
17) If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
16) To me, itâ€™s always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, â€śHey, can you give me a hand?,â€ť you can say, â€śSorry, got these sacks.â€ť
15) I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, â€śI helped skin Bob.â€ť
14) Itâ€™s funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.
13) If youâ€™re a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
12) When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school weâ€™d all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasnâ€™t until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
11) Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
10) If youâ€™re in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe itâ€™ll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
9) I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they donâ€™t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
8) To me, clowns arenâ€™t funny. In fact, theyâ€™re kind of scary. Iâ€™ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
7) Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, youâ€™re a mile away and you have their shoes.
6) One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. â€śOh, no,â€ť I said, â€śDisneyland burned down.â€ť He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
5) If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like enchiladas, because thatâ€™s what Heâ€™s getting!
4) It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
3) If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe youâ€™ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
2) If youâ€™re a cowboy and youâ€™re dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
1) If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is â€śGod is crying.â€ť And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is â€śProbably because of something you did.â€ť