Boil the water, add the mac with a PINCH of salt - don't buy that cheap no name shit either! Not sure how much to make? Take a guess double it. FFS your little spawn are going to inhale it anyway- after all it's FN mac & cheese.
How long do you boil it for? How the fuck would I know? If you live in Denver or Calgary I'm gonna say fn longer than some dude named Jason in Halifax. Besides, I like mine sacrilegiously over done. Al dante? WTF! We're making mac & fucking cheese here and the last time I checked those hungry little fuckers screaming for food don't give a flying fuck about Michelin Stars. Just cook the shit; get it done, get 'm happy!
Gonna put Cheez Whiz in it? Do you normally feed your little child wolves plastic? So just fuck off with that idea right off the hop.
Gonna use pre-shredded cheese like cheddar, mozza, asiago? Go for it, there's only one person that's gonna make America grate again, and that's Trump not you!
Now drain the water off of the now beautiful plump macaroni, add butter, not fucking margarine! FFS this is mac n cheese, the shit ain't healthy to begin with so fuck it. taste over health.
Add the cheese, the more the better.
Stir in whole milk as needed to help make that cheese creamier. NO not that skimmed shit we drink every day of the tri training period - fuck that, taste over mother fucking health. Besides, FFS the little crew of fucking adorable urchins need fat in their fucking diet. It's good for them, makes 'em strong, helps them develop quicker so when can kick the little fuckers out of the house sooner! See win fucking win!
Now, by this time you should have a superbly smooth cheese sauce for that mac n fn cheese. Total awesomeness, except I forgot to put in the 1/2 lb of fucking chopped up alder smoked bacon & fresh mushrooms. Oh and ffs drain the damned bacon fat thoroughly - we want bacon taste not the bacon grease. And for fuck sakes, get your hands off the shitty bacon bits, throw it in the fucking bin on top of that jar of cheez whiz. Holy shit wait! WTF am I gonna eat with the soda crackers later? Fuckfuckfuck - I'm outa cheez whiz!
Now back to the regular programming, stir in the bacon too - toss the mushrooms somewhere, maybe even in the fn mac n cheese! Just don't you fucking dare tell my wife of 23 years it's the one place I don't like fresh fucking mushrooms.
Oh, and some of you assholes will point out this concoction should be baked too, ahhh - don't have fucking kids eh? That's nice, here's your Michelin fucking star!