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Attending a Funeral
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Weird situation in a million ways. My wife's cousin's dad died. He and my wife's aunt had been divorced for over 20 years, her current husband basically raised the kids, guy who just died was abusive to her during their marriage, not a trustworthy guy at all, yet she kept a nice relationship with him and helped him out in a lot of ways because of wanting to maintain a good facade for the kids (probably enabled him to keep taking advantage of them, really). I only met him a couple of times, never said anything more than "Hi" to the guy. Respect to the deceased, but this is a guy I chose not to associate with in life for a reason when there was the opportunity.

One of Mrs. MWR's cousins is the type of person who takes everything personally, freaks out about everything, cannot handle her emotions...an emotional train wreck. Mrs. MWR and I don't really associate with her more than what's required (especially since the one time I had to publicly kick her out of Little MWR's bday party for her dramatic showing...).

Now the aunt & cousin are sending a text to all of us imploring everyone to come to the funeral then some get together at their house. It's visitation for a short bit, immediately followed by funeral, then the get together...in the middle of the freaking work & school day. Little MWR ain't missing school for that, I'm not keen to miss any work for it because I have deadlines looming and frankly I wouldn't expect this aunt & cousin to go to my dad's funeral, and I sure ain't keen on going to a house where people smoke inside & making myself vomit.

And yet I don't want to cause any drama for Mrs. MWR to have to deal with either...although all of the drama would be created by them and their weird expectations. I'm a "keep the peace" kind of guy, so part of me thinks maybe I should hit the visitation and leave out of respect for the cousin but I don't even want to do that since it'll still eat a couple of unproductive hours out of the middle of my work day and, truth be told, my respect for this cousin is quite lacking anyway & our relationship is purely one of obligation.

What's the collective LR "wisdom" say?
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Re: Attending a Funeral [MidwestRoadie] [ In reply to ]
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What does Mrs. MWR say? I hate the lies that are told at funerals. I'm not saying we have to say negative things about the deceased but why is it okay to say how great they are when sometimes they were not. I am sorry about your loss is a good default phrase for me

Life is full of froth and trouble, two things stand in stone
Kindness in another's troubles, courage in one's own
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Re: Attending a Funeral [MidwestRoadie] [ In reply to ]
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Just trying to sort out the relationship to Mrs. MWR - the Aunt is the blood relative to your wife (sister to your wife's mother or father) and the dead guy is just some bozo she married and then divorced 20 years ago (although he is the father to your wife's cousin)?

If that's the case, then I personally wouldn't go.

But I hear you regarding the potential for drama. I'd follow your wife's lead, but if she's leaning towards not going then let her know an anonymous stranger on ST agrees with her choice.
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Re: Attending a Funeral [len] [ In reply to ]
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She's torn. He was at least her uncle for a time, but it's been so far ago that she doesn't have any of that connection or feeling, but does with her aunt's current husband (who is one of the best & most milquetoast guys you could ever hope to meet). The deceased couldn't even remember her name the last time they randomly saw each other, but did take the opportunity to insult my sister in law, who's in the same boat as me with this (she's also about the sweetest woman on the planet). Mrs. MWR in one moment says "screw 'em; you don't need to go," and in the next says "keep the peace so I don't have to deal with it and go to the visitation," and in the next says, "I can't believe they're trying to get you to go; they probably just want to make sure people actually fill the seats."

I'm leaning toward not going and using a word that's still somewhat new in my vocabulary, "No," and then shutting down any of the crap that's said to me or Mrs. MWR when aunt attends Little MWR's bday party in a couple of weeks (which the cousin is barred from attending for life now).



len wrote:
What does Mrs. MWR say? I hate the lies that are told at funerals. I'm not saying we have to say negative things about the deceased but why is it okay to say how great they are when sometimes they were not. I am sorry about your loss is a good default phrase for me
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Re: Attending a Funeral [MidwestRoadie] [ In reply to ]
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I would defer to the wife. If she wanted me to go I would suck it up and do it. If she gave me a pass and said she would attend alone I would take the pass.

Nothing worse than going solo to a family event and then having everyone ask you where your spouse is and wonder why they didn't show up.

Your couple of unproductive hours at work excuse is pretty thin, especially when you are posting about it in the LR.

There are plenty of family members on my wife's side and my side that I don't care much about, we tend to defer to the person who is related, she has gone to things with me that she didn't want to and Lord knows I have attended some of her family stuff that I didn't want to. You are going for your wife if she asks you to, that's it.
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Re: Attending a Funeral [MidwestRoadie] [ In reply to ]
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Skip it. Your wife can go to represent the family.
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Re: Attending a Funeral [Apollo71] [ In reply to ]
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Yup, that's the relationship.

I think Mrs. MWR will be cool with me not going at all. No chance I'd be able to stay for the whole drama anyway since I have to make sure Little MWR gets off the school bus.

This aunt/cousin remind me of the ones on my side that I finally was able to cut ties with when my mom died & then totally severed them when her mom (technically my grandmother) died. I'm guessing that'll be the case when Mrs. MWR's grandpa dies. We just have no appetite for the dramatic, whereas this aunt & cousin seem to get their primary sustenance from creating drama.



Apollo71 wrote:
Just trying to sort out the relationship to Mrs. MWR - the Aunt is the blood relative to your wife (sister to your wife's mother or father) and the dead guy is just some bozo she married and then divorced 20 years ago (although he is the father to your wife's cousin)?

If that's the case, then I personally wouldn't go.

But I hear you regarding the potential for drama. I'd follow your wife's lead, but if she's leaning towards not going then let her know an anonymous stranger on ST agrees with her choice.
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Re: Attending a Funeral [MidwestRoadie] [ In reply to ]
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MidwestRoadie wrote:
Yup, that's the relationship.

I think Mrs. MWR will be cool with me not going at all. No chance I'd be able to stay for the whole drama anyway since I have to make sure Little MWR gets off the school bus.

Is she close with that part of the family or will she be flying solo? If she doesn't have people there to hang out with, you need to convince her not to go (but it has to seem like her idea). Otherwise you are going too.

We are so fucked.
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Re: Attending a Funeral [windywave] [ In reply to ]
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windywave wrote:
Skip it. Your wife can go to represent the family.
Yes!


_____________________________________
DISH is how we do it.
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Re: Attending a Funeral [travelmama] [ In reply to ]
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I think you skip it and try to get your wife to give herself a pass as well. If you get a bit of grief for it later it probably won't be as bad as having to go.

Life is full of froth and trouble, two things stand in stone
Kindness in another's troubles, courage in one's own
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Re: Attending a Funeral [MidwestRoadie] [ In reply to ]
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I don't think I could attend the funeral of some abusive piece of trash. It sounds like your wife is giving you a pass so I'd take it.
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Re: Attending a Funeral [MidwestRoadie] [ In reply to ]
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Schedule a colonoscopy for that time slot.

_____________________
Fester from Detroit, Mi
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Re: Attending a Funeral [MidwestRoadie] [ In reply to ]
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Sometime - many times actually - my wife does not really want to attend something but does not want to damage her relationship with the host, so it falls on me to be the bad guy that does not let the family, or her, attend. This is a role I am very happy to take if it gets me out of attending social functions, and my wife gets to let me take the blame...everyone (that I care about) is happy.
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Re: Attending a Funeral [Sideways] [ In reply to ]
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That actually sounds preferable to the funeral.

Sideways wrote:
Schedule a colonoscopy for that time slot.
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Re: Attending a Funeral [Dapper Dan] [ In reply to ]
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This may be the route I go when I talk with her tonight. I messaged her a little earlier and told her that I don't think she should attend or feel obligated to for her aunt or cousin. Her other cousin is awesome and it was his dad, but they weren't close at all, so I told her the only reason she should consider either of us attending is if it's to show respect to him. I don't think he'll care if we're not there and given the lack of any relationship between Mrs. MWR and his dad (and his estranged one himself), I highly doubt it's anything he'd give any mind to.



Dapper Dan wrote:
Sometime - many times actually - my wife does not really want to attend something but does not want to damage her relationship with the host, so it falls on me to be the bad guy that does not let the family, or her, attend. This is a role I am very happy to take if it gets me out of attending social functions, and my wife gets to let me take the blame...everyone (that I care about) is happy.
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Re: Attending a Funeral [MidwestRoadie] [ In reply to ]
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you go to a funeral not for the deceased but for the survivors - and if you have a connection to any of them you should go.
Besides, American workers are way-over production anyways - your work will be fine without you for a couple of hours
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Re: Attending a Funeral [MidwestRoadie] [ In reply to ]
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Funerals are for the living. If the living in your life feel it's important for you to take part then do so (if you choose) for them. That can be the reason you need in your mind to make the trip.

If you can't see a good enough reason for you, then don't attend.

IMHO, nobody is obligated to attend anyone's funeral.

It's only smellz.

- Rocco Siffredi
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Re: Attending a Funeral [MidwestRoadie] [ In reply to ]
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I'm w/ DD... Sounds like you'd be doing your wife a solid to somehow convince her not to go (or even mercifully sabotage her plans if it comes to that), and go ahead and take the collar for it. I try to encourage my wife to not feel so duty-bound to take a big bite every time her family serves up a shit sandwich, when the pathos becomes a cost borne by the whole rest of our household.
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Re: Attending a Funeral [MidwestRoadie] [ In reply to ]
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There has been many a funeral on my hubbies side of the family that he has gone solo. He is fine with that. If I know the person or the person has impacted out family, then I go.
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