I feel your pain. My youngest son, who will graduate high school this year, has already been to the funerals of two close friends. The last one was one of my Boy Scouts. It's every parent's nightmare.

i remember 3 days before graduation our principal announced that our class would be the first in his tenure not to lose someone during their senior school year. well that jinxed it, as some idiot classmates decided to go squeeze in one last senior kegger and one guy ended up dying. I think every one of our deaths involved drinking and/or driving.

the main thing to watch for in your nephew is signs of depression.

this is one of the things i hate about my job.

within the last week:
* a teenager shoots himself in the head with a rifle while on the phone with his ex-girlfriend. because she broke up with him.

*a jeep wrangler full of teens flips at 0300 hrs, killing a passenger and injuring seriously 2 others (the front seat passenger was wearing a seatbelt; she walked away with a few very minor bumps/bruises ... dont tell me setbelts dont save lives); the 18 year old drivers bac was .244.

i truly dont understand the teenage mind.

my thoughts will be with you today as you attend the funeral.

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*****
"In case of flood climb to safety"

the main thing to watch for in your nephew is signs of depression.

And long term.

This isn't something that just goes away. Extreme experiences, like that, overcook your fight/flight system for good. At that age your responses are pretty stunted to begin with, even an adult would have trouble.

In the twelve or so months roughly spanning either side of my HS Grad I went to six funerals of classmates. All male, all booze-driving specific. One was a close friend.

In those days no one bothered to "counsel" anybody. If it's effective or not technically isn't the point, it's the fact that someone tried. If you had questioned me then, you probably would decide that I was toughing it out okay.

I'm 44 and my experience with death early has had a big effect on my relationships, my work life and my education. I can't say that I became a full blown existentialist but there is a hard shell cynicism and a subsequent depression that can invade your life if you're not careful. Like many people I've struggled to maintain a positive outlook (my wife calls me "up beat negative") all my adult life.

What can I possibly say to him?

I suppose the best thing you can do is continue being a good uncle to him. Try to use your skills as a teacher to make sure he learns the important life lessons that can be learned in this situation. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and him.

Bernie

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"Slowbern has always made astute observations."-Casey 03/10/2009
2013-2014 Detroit Lions---13-3 until proved otherwise.

Wow. The funeral was tougher than I expected. Despite all the talk about the teens, i wasn't ready for this.

Sseeing the picture show images of him as a toddler and little boy was too much. As the father of a 5yo son, it was overwhelming. As a teacher, you only see them as teenagers, full of bravado and indestructability, and you forget that to two parents out there, this student will always be viewed as "their little boy". That was a kick in the heart, if not an outright stomp.

The speech by the inconsolable older sister was just breathtaking. I don't even know what I can say about it. Pain like that doesn't go away quickly ... if ever.

The descriptions of this kid were, from my point of view, spot on. Too often at funerals, the deceased is made out to be something they're not. Not at this one. The description of "gentle giant" was accurate. A big, strong kid that was tremendously friendly, and always smiling. A kid that could have easily been a bully, but chose to be the complete opposite. A kid that, based on appearance could easily have been the unemotional bad-ass, but chose to be a real person.

In class, and in the hallways, I called him "The Admiral" and gave a saulte b/c [1] his name was identical to the San Antonio Spurs star from The Naval Academy (with the same nickname), and [2] the kid was as big of a sports fan as they come ... wore nothing but jerseys. Matter of fact, if I had to say one bad thing about him, I'd say it was too bad he was a cub fan (he'd enjoy that comment). So, here's my last "salute" to "The Admiral" in honor of him being a friendly, smiling, real person ... when those characteristics aren't always revered by that age group and gender. 17 quick years.

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-- Every morning brings opportunity;
Each evening offers judgement. --

How unfortunate. Hopefully in his short life he was able to positively affect those around him and made positive lifelong differences. It never seems to be the Assholes that die.

Bernie

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"Slowbern has always made astute observations."-Casey 03/10/2009
2013-2014 Detroit Lions---13-3 until proved otherwise.

Three of my classmates died in a rollover in our last year of highschool. Bad road conditions, everyone was sober. I remember being surprised, as a 17 year old who thought he'd live forever, as to how upset all the teachers were. You just don't have the same value on life as a 17 year old as you do when you've gained a few years.

I'm sorry to hear this.

There's nothing you can say to your nephew. He is entitled to feel bad and any human would, whether we are at fault or not ... But he can't let it ruin his outlook. We just have to be there for people when that happens.

I empathize completely. At Christmas, we lost a wonderful girl who I taught last year. The story was she was unbelted to reach over to get something out of the back seat when her BF lost control and wrecked on an icy patch of highway. He feels incredible guilt.

We lose kids every year here. Statistically, we have the highest teenage accident rate in the nation: Montana is about the worst in the nation and our county is the worst in the state. If we upped the driving age to 21, it would do the world a lot of good. Not saying that's possible or practical ...

Anyway, you have my sympathies.

As family, your responsibility is to support him (and the rest of his family) in any way you can, and without qualification. He is certain to suffer for what happened.

The objective truth, though, is that he has gotten off quite lightly. Where I come from, from what you describe he would almost certainly be charged and convicted of manslaughter or culpable driving causing death. He would be unlikely to avoid a jail term.
Firstly, he drove with a passenger without a seatbelt. In my state, that is an absolute liability offense. Secondly, he failed to safely control the car. Animals on the road are a forseeable hazard, which he should have been able to avoid without rolling the car three times. It sounds like speeding must have been a factor. This might not have been underage drinking or "crazy" driving, but it sounds tragically avoidable.

There wasn't much objective or truthful about your post. The only fact you stated correctly was that one passenger wasn't wearing a seatbelt. Everything else was blind conjecture, and I can't imagine what useful purpose it might serve.

Where I come from, from what you describe he would almost certainly be charged and convicted of manslaughter or culpable driving causing death.

Manslaughter? The driver swerved to avoid a deer? Do deer dart toward the roads where you come from?

Firstly, he drove with a passenger without a seatbelt. In my state, that is an absolute liability offense.

In Illinois, only front-seat passengers are required to wear seat belts. Toddlers and infants are the only back seat passengers required to be belted in.

Secondly, he failed to safely control the car. Animals on the road are a forseeable hazard, which he should have been able to avoid without rolling the car three times.

True animals on the road are a foreseeable hazrad. Animals, running out of tree/bush on the side of the road are not. The animal ran toward the road, the driver swerved, the car tumbled. The driver had to choices: [1] Swerve, [2] ram the deer. Either way, damage ensues. I have always been taught to "not swerve" ... I guess, easier said than done.

It sounds like speeding must have been a factor. This might not have been underage drinking or "crazy" driving, but it sounds tragically avoidable.

Let's try not to make too many critical assumptions and then go with them to reach unfounded conclusions. It almost seems as if you're trying to ruffle my feathers or something. Did I do something to you in the past or what?

I know you are an anonymous poster, so I am not holding you to any accountability or any sort of standard or anything ... but did it ever occur to you, based on such little information presented, and given the result of the event, that perhaps your "definitive" comments and "tact" should most likely have not been written? I know it's the internet and all, but c'mon.

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-- Every morning brings opportunity;
Each evening offers judgement. --

My daughter was in a car roll over with three other 16 yr old girls several years ago. The one girl in the back seat with no seat belt was seriously injured but fortunately recovered. Thank God my girl had only minor bruises. No booze, just driving too fast in poor conditions down a mountain pass in B.C.

It's every parents nightmare. I lost two high school buddies in a motorcycle accident. My parents died a thousand deaths every time I rode my motorcycle after that. You don't really appreciate that until you become a parent with teenagers.

I gotta say TT you handled that post with a fair degree more tact than I would have had I replied. Very intelligent and articulate reply..too bad the same could not be said of Bone (resisting the urge to type head after that post)

HOLY CRAP!!!

Pretty sanctimonious here.

First, why is the driver's responsibility to ensure his passengers are belted in? Doesn't ANYONE believe in personal responsibility anymore? If a passenger CHOOSES not to wear a seatbelt, it isn't my fault if he gets hurt in an accident. How are animals a foreseeable hazard? What kind of socialist country do you live in, because I'm guessing it isn't the US. Here in IL if I'm a front seat passenger in a car, I get the ticket and not the driver.

Do you have any idea what you are talking about regarding deer? Deer come running through the woods at a very rapid pace and can go from invisible in the woods to in the middle of the road in a second. Particularly on roads boarding onto a forest (the trees can begin only a few feet from the road). No human being can even react to an external stimuli in under a second so he's doomed from the start. And how do you know if speeding was a factor or that the accident was avoidable at all?

The truth is you just like to judge people and situations with little to no facts and with no regard to "objective truth". Glad you get some excitement out of denigrating someone's nephew who just survived a terrible accident.